A Year Later

So a year ago, a huge part of my life changed.  A year ago, after not getting any results from the church council, I blogged about my discontent and was attacked by people I had known and trusted my entire life.  I have learned a lot in a year, some good, some not as good.

• I have learned that no matter how much you think you know someone you really don't. 
• I have learned that people who are supposed to be among the most trustworthy will lie to save their own ass or to make themselves look better.
• I have learned that not even church is safe, even though it should be.
• I have learned that people will go to great lengths to be "right".
• I have learned that sometimes good people who should fight for you won't because they are afraid and that this does not make them bad people.  It only makes them fearful people.
• I have learned that there is no replacement for people who know you well and you can be yourself with.  I miss being with these people.
• I have learned that at times God wants me to act, even if I don't want to.
• I have learned that maybe you cannot be spiritually fulfilled and still be surrounded with people you want to spend a lot of time with.  So far in my life, it has been one or the other.

So there you have it.  It has been a hard year.  I am spiritually happy and miss my friends.  I still see them but not as often as I would like and certainly not every Sunday.  I spent some time with them Saturday and there is just no replacement for those relationships.  They are what I lost.  I gained being spiritually fulfilled.

One day maybe there will be both.

In Search of Self Control and a Good Night's Sleep

Ah, the wayward blogger returns.  Seems there is so much I want to do and not enough hours in the day to accomplish much of any of it.  But I really need to start prioritizing a few things or I am going to be totally screwed in the long run and will have no one to blame but myself.

I keep talking about doing things but cannot seem to fit them into my schedule to actually accomplish much of anything but the fact is that if I do not start making myself a priority I am going to put on more weight and the pounds I have gained since last March already need to go.  My head keeps wanting to go back to running as I am thinking it will help keep things under control along with controlling my carb addiction, but my knees and the clock have been disagreeing with me.  But I need to give it another go.  I was never much good at it really but on some sadistic level I apparently enjoyed it as my head keeps returning to the thought. 

I have gone back to kickboxing and have been trying to hit the gym but it is hard.  Yet I know that cannot be an excuse.  I have some tight clothing and I refuse to start buying larger sizes.  Hell to the no.  I grocery shopped healthy today.  I even waffled over some protein powder but let's be realistic...I hated that shit. But I need to go back to eating like a healthy person.  I used to do it easily and am not sure when it got complicated.  I think I got comfortable and complacent and figured my problems days were over and that I could eat like other people and just not think about/care about what I was putting in my mouth. 

The fact is that it will never work that way for me.  I am not one of those people.  They exist; the ones who can eat anything and never gain an ounce but it will never be me.  I need to accept that and move on.  Working on it.

I have still struggled with sleep issues and have just switched over to the Ambien Extended Release.  Last night was the first night on it and it went well.  Here's hoping.