Okay, Okay

It's no secret that I have been a little grouchy lately.  I know not every plan works for everyone and I also know that Jim loves to disagree with me (You know it's true!) so that was sort of all that I was saying.  I also get frustrated and I'm sure everyone else does as well, with the assaults of information we are given.  This is good for you.  No, now it is bad for you.  Do this.  Don't do that!  You know what I'm sayin'.  It's a wonder we can all get through our day with all the "new" information coming out about what we eat!  So I have friends who swear by South Beach and then have someone else saying it's not good for you, and at times it just makes me nuts.  Why can't there be one plan that just WORKS?  I know, because we are not a one size fits all society (tho my former church thinks we should be) but there are just times it gets to me and gets frustrating.  What to try?  What to do?  What will work?  It is all so trial and error.

Anyway, I did run today!  And it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  I combined walking and running as I did not want to overly push myself after a two month absence from running.  It felt good to get out there and do it, so now I just have to keep doing it between now and the Turkey Trot.  If nothing else, I want my t-shirt!

Tomorrow is Friday and we are having a pre-Thanksgiving get together at a friend's cabin.  Then next week is a three day work week.  The following week is my final week before a week's vacay in California and I cannot wait!

Have not yet logged my food today...sushi was involved so I am a little scared!

Still Have Issues being Inspiring

My older brother and sister are here from California and Texas.� We all gathered at my mother's yesterday for crabs and family time and my brother, who has lost 30 pounds since June, told me I was the one who had inspired him.� Yet I struggle with this.� Maybe it is because of the opinions of people like Cathy at the Y and the feeling that somehow I cheated.� Do I work really hard now and have I worked really hard in the past?� Yes.� Yet I do not see myself as inspiring, which is odd because isn't part of the purpose of my blog to inspire people to get out there and get moving?� Why does it have to be so complicated for me?



After a weekend away from the gym, I was finally not sore at all yesterday, but then today happened and now my legs are killing me again.� Will a kabillion squats ever not make me sore?



Today was insane.� I got up early to clean the house as this was the one night everyone was free to come over for dinner.� So I finished that, got the kids out the door for school, and went to work.� Worked my four hours, and went to do my almost one hour and 45 minute workout.� Raced out of there to the grocery store and got home about 3:30.� Unpacked groceries and flew into the shower.� After dressing, it was de-skin chicken, cut up potatoes and make veggie skewers.� Got potatoes and chicken in the oven and by this time, I was running out of energy, especially given the fact that my freakin' period started this morning.� But about that time, my knight in shining armour of a husband showed up to do the grilling.� I was very happy to see him having been on my feet for a few hours.� So dinner was a sucess.� We cleaned up and then all congregated to the living room for chatter and television.



I'll get to see them again tomorrow for some running around.� Love it when they are here!

There is still hope!

So if you have been reading here for awhile, you may remember me mentioning my friend, Celia, who had her RNY a good ten years before I did.� I had not talked to her in awhile and then out of the blue, she contacted me this week to ask how I was doing and I told her the following:



I am doing pretty well. Stopped losing about a year ago and am not yet where I want to be. Still working out 4-5 days a week but I do struggle with those evil, evil carbs! So I have been maintaining my still newish size 18. But not ready to give up yet. I am meeting with a trainer this week at the YMCA to see what I need to change up to hopefully kickstart my body again. I know I need to get off some of my food choices and it is so weird! My weaknesses are no longer chocolate or cake etc, but chewy sugary crap, like twizzler and orange slices! Strange! But I will kick them; I am determined!



Celia responded with this:



Your losing plateau sounds just like mine! The orange slices sugar covered yummy was my challenge for a while as well. If you remember I told you I was a size 18 for 5 or 6 years then i decided I wanted to be in the under 200 club. So I kicked the carb diet back in gear & lost another 60 some lbs and now weigh 165lbs TA DA!!!!�Recipe is as always work out more then you take in. �SOUNDS EASY... But of course it is not!



So I have hope!� I have wondered a few times if maybe my body was just refusing to go any lower...probably because that was the easy explanation as opposed to the "I need to re-evaluate my food choices and exercise routine" explanation.



I got home yesterday after the gym and the grocery store and then spent the next few hours in the kitchen.� I worked on last night's dinner, as well as a pot of soup from Sunday's chicken leftovers, a crock pot of turkey chili for tonight, and made a few batches of baked cheese crisps.� Jimnotmike introduced me to these a while ago as a low carb snack, and I elected to make a few of my own.� I did parmesan cheese with garlic and then a small experimental batch of cheddar with cinnamon (they are actually pretty good) and a batch of cheddar with onion flavoring.� If anyone is interested in these, you can find the recipe here .� They are super easy to make.� Essentially, a baking tray, an oven, shredded cheese and whatever spices you have and want to use.� I think next I will try something with some hotness to it.



So I am not officially South Beaching....or maybe I am.� I can't do eggs for breakfast every morning.� I get bored with them and for years we have heard about eggs and cholesterol and that thought won't leave my mind.� My other issue is that my energy gets really zapped on Phase One South Beach, so I am not going to start over.� It's almost like substituting no carbs for no exercise and as I am an avid exerciser, it just didn't work well for me in Phase One.� Energy-wise, it was a really hard two weeks.� In fact my two runs on Phase One were so terrible, I have not run since and I need to remedy that soon.� Don't get me wrong; the coming off all the carbs helped me get things back to being manageable, but the exerciser in me was struggling and the runner in me started dying a slow and painful death.



So tomorrow I meet with my trainer.� I'll let you know how it goes!

What Matters Most?

I am not upset with anyone, but I have to put something out there to hopefully have some folks see things from my perspective.� I write a lot of stuff on here that I don't want certain people to view and I feel safe writing it there because I know these people either don't read my blog or don't do the internet at all (yes there are non-internet folks out there still!).� There are some people in my life who don't read here and I am glad because some of the situations I write about, those people are close to them...and sometimes those people can be loose canons with little to no filtering skills.� While these folks might make my "side" of things, what I don't want is them shooting off at the mouth about anything I have said in reference to my unhappiness with certain things in my life right now, to anyone who may be making that part of my life unhappy.� Not everyone has the capacity to filter or to be quiet and I like that I can vent here without some people, who would be most vocal on my behalf, knowing my thoughts.� If I wanted them to know, I would tell them, but with some things, in order to keep the peace, it is better they not know so that I don't have to live in constant paranoia (like I am now) of them saying something to someone.� I hope this makes some sense.� Just understand that some people close to me are too close to some of the situations I speak of, so it makes me much more comfortable that they don't know anything.



Moving on....



I am not a huge fan of The Anti-Jared , mostly because at times he seems a little impressed with himself and I see this mostly on Facebook.� When he posts a question like "how many times have you worked out this week?" his very next sentence is "Me?� 7 times." I find it annoying.� Almost as if his status was not about how everyone else is doing but more about how well he is doing.� Might just be my perspective.� Anyway, he did�post something yesterday that I liked and related to on several levels; as an individual struggling with weight issues for the rest of her life, as a blogger, as a wife.� You should read it.



With that being read...or said, or whatever, today begins my tightening the reins on my life again.� Am I strong?� Sometimes.� And then there are days at a time I struggle with food.� I have been working out to support my food habits lately and I need to gain control of it again.� I am maintaining my weight loss, bouncing the same pounds up and down again and again.� Though not all bad, it is far from good.� I still have a number in my head and I'm not there yet.� But here's a new's flash:� I AM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING THAT NUMBER.� Yes, it is hard.� You will never, ever, ever hear me say that losing weight is easy.� NEVER.� Keeping it off?� HARD!� Every single day brings with it new challenges and new emotions.� There are always things I have to be so careful of, because they will cause me to eat when I am either not hungry or for me to�make bad choices.� These kinds of things are as follows but are not limited to just those things:



Depression

Boredom

Anger

hurt feelings

Television (don't we all want to snack there?)

Frustration

Comfort



But you know what?� None of these things are GOOD reasons to eat.� They are just reasons...most of them are emotions and we cannot eat those.� One of my favorite things Jared said in his article was "Being a food addict does not mean you are a failure. It does not make you weak. It does not make you less of a person. It means the relationship with food is different."



We have all have had relationships in our lives that we have had to navigate in special ways, because the way someone else managed it would not work for us.� We are not a "one size fits all" world, so there is no one answer for everyone.� But we still have to work out how to navigate our relationship with food so the relationship is healthy.� Any and all relationships can become unhealthy; abuse, neglect, apathy.� Food is right in there with people relationships!� We can abuse it, we can neglect our bodies or we can not care in that moment what we doing to our health.� But don't let the day come where you lay dying and thinking "Why didn't I do something while I was able to do it?"� Don't let that day come!



Sometimes doors can close on weight loss that we had hoped would be open for us.� But I have to believe that the reason is closed is because God knew it would not be a good thing.� Maybe you planned to run a marathon and broke your ankle...maybe God knew if you ran the marathon something else, much worse would have happened and he didn't want you in that place at that time.� Maybe you were denied for surgery because God knew you would not have survived it, due to health or doctor error.� We don't know the reasons things happen as they do, but our health still needs us to take control of it.



So I am taking my control back, one bite at a time.� And it isn't going to be easy.� I love food.� I love to snack. But do�I love it more than I would love being around for my family and friends for many years to come and to be able to interact with them physically and not from a bed completely immobile?�



I hope not.

 

�

Methinks Someone Needs His Own Blog

So Jimnotmike is proposing a guest blogger on Fridays or maybe every other Friday when The Genius has therapy.� Jim, I would be more than happy to have you blog whenever you would like to send me something and that goes for anyone else who would like a guest spot.� I cannot always guarentee a blog post on Fridays, so even if I have several from other people or just Jim to post, I can use them as I need them.� So not a problem.



Kickboxing last night was fabulous and just what I needed.� Michael is great fun and I love getting there early just to chat and we can cover a wide range of topics.� Then there is this older man in my class named Ray, with a gray beard and ponytail and he is a hoot as well.� He and I both stand up front, near Michael and last night, they were both just full of themselves and it was rather contagious, so much giggling amidst sweating ensued and it was a wonderful release for me.� I love that class and I hope he never quits teaching it.



I am having lunch next week with one of my very favorite people ever; our former interim pastor, Phil.� I adore him, love talking to him, just love soaking in some of his wisdom and humor.� He is an amazing person and one of the best men I have ever met in my life.� Seriously.� Not even mildly exagerating on that one.� He is just a good man.�



My mood has been better today, though there are still some evil forces at work within my life. I just keep repeating to myself over and over again: "Perspective".� I don't always know if it is working, but the reminder cannot be a bad thing.



I am more or less still South Beaching.� No bread.� Low carb for the most part.� I can tell the water has been a bit cooler because my water consumption has been sucking.� I have no problem downing 64 plus ounces when the weather is hot, but once it cools down, I just am not as thirsty as during the summer months, but I am trying.� I also have been enjoying an occasional Coke Zero, which is not something I usually do, but we are still talking like one a week so nothing major.� Have been drinking more hot tea too and not sure what that is all about.� A hot cup of regular tea in the evenings and a hot cup of green tea at work.� Ah well, water based, so it counts, right?� I still want to soon hit the canal for a bike trip...maybe next week after work one day.�



And I am planning on the Baltimore Running Festival in October.� I want to go to the health and fitness expo and I am just gonna do it.� Not sure where I am going to drive to or park, but that will be my focus next week.� I need an adventure to break up the monotony and irritation of my life at the moment and this is a perfect excuse.� I'm on it.

Callings, South Beach and Feelings, Oh My.

So for the few who did not ask, the skit on Sunday went VERY well.� I was totally pleased, relatively comfortable and remembered all the lines.� It was nice to get compliments as opposed to "Sorry, we can't cast you." for a change.� I got everything from "Will you do something like this every Sunday?" to "Your sermon was delicious!" to "You had me in tears." to "You have to do something more with this talent."� So, I am thinking of doing something more.� What if my lack of ability to get cast in a regular show is God's way of showing me what He wants me to do?� I have proposed a drama ministry at church, consisting right now of only me, with one skit per quarter.� That gives me time to select one that I feel led to do, memorize it and find the right time to do it for the congregation.



It seems a good fit for me.� I have no need to go back to the Apollo ever.� My last two experiences there with auditions were less than stellar.� There is no theater group in Hagerstown I would want to be involved with, especially as the dinner theater is an eight week commitment and I just don't have the time nor the desire to commit to that length of time.� I have too many other things I want to do.� And I really do not care to travel any further to audition nor perform anywhere else.� The biggest challenge is finding material that appeals to me and has a powerful message as the one Sunday did.� Time will tell.



I fell off the South Beach wagon on Friday and over the weekend.� I have been PMSing and have had my feelings hurt and I am an emotional eater, so at a time when my emotions were all over the place any way and then having something else happen, it all went South (or would that be North?� Ha!)..but I can report I am repeating at least one week of Phase One beginning today.� I hit the gym hard today, working legs and arms as well as core after a session on the elliptical.



Life is a constant struggle, isn't it?� Joys and sorrows, happiness and hurt and food always seems to center around so much of it.� The learning how to eat properly through all the twists and turns is a process; some days are successes and some are epic fails, but what I have learned is that fails are only fails for the moment.� It doesn't really matter that you fail...it matters that you pick yourself back up and get back on the right track.



I'm learning it, one day at a time.

Parents, mind what you say to your daughters

As the kids have been away this week, I have taken advantage of doing a little thrift store browsing.� I found myself at a consignment shop today because it was near where I was running some errands.� I found nothing (overpriced in my opinion but I am a cheap bitch.� Also, who would have thought I would more trouble now finding my size than I would have two years ago and 109 pounds heavier?), but as I was getting ready to leave, I overheard a conversation�by a mother talking to her friend�about the�the mother's�teenage daughter, who was present for this conversation.� It went something like this:



Mother: Yes, she has really big arms.� She plays volleyball, so she has big arms and chubby legs.� I will see a dress or something and think how cute it is but her arms are too big and she can't wear it."



WTF?� The girl is athletic obviously and an impressionable teenage girl and her mother is critiquing her body in a negative way.� C'mon.��I mean really, doesn't the world know that we not only have an obesity epidemic but also eating disorders problems, especially amongst teenage girls?� As women especially, I think we are so critical of our bodies from a very young age.� I remember my mother putting me on a diet at about the age of 8 or 9.� You don't forget those kinds of things.� I was the only kid in my class who was on one and my lunch showed it.� My parents had the best intentions, but it only made me feel different, and it led to a lifetime of feeling different where my body was concerned.� This mother has done something very similar to her daughter, at least today.



Jimnotmike would probably have said something, but I didn't, though now I wish I had, even if it was just to tell this girl she was beautiful, just as she was.� I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that this girl will always remember those words as I have many words spoken to me in the past that I remember and always will.



I have been lacking for blog fodder lately.� I think I am in desperate need of a vacation.� T minus 10 days.

Out of the Blue

You all know who Leisl is....we got back in touch after years of not seeing each other and her friendship has been a blessing to me, as she is another mother raising boys she adopted.� Leisl also runs with me� and is a fantastic writer.� Though I have never suffered the disorder she is writing about, my mother has in the past and occasionally still does to this day.� There is help.



I plead, feverishly, �Dear God, what is happening to me?� Oh God, help me!� Why is this happening to me God?� Help Me!�

����������� Only minutes before, a balmy breeze faintly whisks my hair against my sun dappled face. I catch a fleeting glimpse of the golden glory of the forsythia bushes as I drive the country road. �The moist earth aroma is ancient, yet fresh.� Accelerating the car increases the airflow through the slightly rolled down window.� The whooshing commotion causes my hair to whip more intensely against my dew dusted skin.� The robin�s egg blue sky is feathered with gossamer clouds. I am breathing in measured moments.� The familiarity of the season rushes my senses.�� A swarm of mixed impressions, startlingly, confuses me.� All at once, I feel out of place.� It�s analogous to having bitten into something bitter, expecting a sweet savory taste.� The instantaneous puzzlement crowds my mind and body with shivering sounds, caustic colors, seething scents, tangy tastes and flustered feelings!

�My suddenly saturated hands choke the steering wheel.� An undulating wave of tingling sensations wields its way down from the crown of my head to the bottom of my feet and upward again, increasing the prickling feeling as it reaches my head and face.� I am deaf, except to my hammering heartbeat.�� My thumping heart echoes itself in my head.� The rapidity of my heart rate alarms me and ushers in a careening feeling of doom.� I cannot catch my breath! �I cannot breathe!� I am choking!� I am blistering hot and soaking wet! I struggle to roll the window all the way down!� I need air!� Jarringly the sturdy sound of the impeding air frightens me.� The rush of wind tightens my chest.� A bulky hungry pain remains within my chest cavity.

Hurriedly my left hand tussles with the door handle.� Chaotically I roll the window closed.� I reach my right hand towards the air conditioning unit.� The lengthy shift is punctuated with nausea and amplified by the immediate belief that I AM DYING!� Fortunately, I have a fleeting moment of clarity.� I pull the car over to the shoulder of the road.� The air conditioning pummels my mouth and nostrils.� I have the sensation that I am rocking to and fro between increasing and decreasing in size.� Objects begin to come closer to sight and then rush away into oblivion.� I look out the glaring windshield of my car and see the cobalt blue sky shattering into tiny silvery shards.� I cover my head and wait for the world to crash down around me!� I know I am going to die right here, right now!�� The realization that death is here fuels my fear!

�Dear God, what is happening to me?� Oh God, help me!� Why is this happening to me God?� Help Me!�

My mind challenges my replicating fears, �Why aren�t you answering me God?�

�I repeatedly suggest to myself, �I�m okay�.� I try to speak, but cannot get my breath around the syllables.�� However, this cyclical wish directs my breathing to a more even flow.� My heart rate slows.� I cannot move for an extent of time.� This elongated phase shepherds in a fusion of composure and peace.� Now I am sure, that I MUST BE DEAD!� In diminutive degrees I wrench my hands free from my head, then my face.� My hazy gaze pivots between my trembling hands.� I shout, �Am I dead?� Dear God, am I dead?��

A murmur of a moment slides by, and I sense that I am alive!� Curiously, I feel familiar with myself again.� My inner nature steadily becomes congruent with reality. �Instantly I wonder, �What happened to me?�

Within months I am prone to ongoing episodes of intense physical and mental uneasiness that may last minutes or hours.� Sometimes I experience a series of �attacks� within a one day time frame. Daily the cycle of anxiety grows deeper.� I am exhausted, depressed and embarrassed.� I doubt myself, �Am I going crazy?� I retreat into my home.� I alter my routines.� Another incident may materialize from �out of the blue� trapping me emotionally.� I dread the added dependency on my family.� In response, my husband encourages me to get a health exam.� �After one particularly terrible attack, I agree, �I can no longer live like this!�

On the way to the medical office I pray to God.� Tears spring from my eyes, as I beg, �Please let me be okay.�� My physician suspects that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder.� �Normal� anxiety can be helpful in preparing or motivating us in everyday life, such as preparing for a test or exercising to lose weight.� When physical tension and mental apprehension become excessive, anxiety may begin to interfere with ordinary functioning.� My physician refers me to a psychotherapist for further evaluation.� I am diagnosed with a type of anxiety disorder known as Panic Disorder, which involves experiencing unexpected panic attacks and anticipating additional panic attacks.� According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Panic Disorder �affects about 6 million American adults and is twice as common in women as men.�� Furthermore, I have Agoraphobia, which is prevalent �three times as often in women as in men� as stated in the American Psychiatric Association�s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.� Since I am preoccupied with having a panic attack in an inescapable public area, I avoid any place I can think of!� I confine myself to my home unless I can figure out a way to feel �safe� in another environment.

For the next couple of years, the diagnosis is the outline of my life.� The internal details of my life are the skeleton.� A renovation of my spirit is required.� I aspire to be hopeful. I dedicate myself to the process of becoming better.� But it is not easy.�

I visit my psychotherapist once a week, and on occasion, twice a week.� I commit to exploring painful past experiences, current relationship difficulties, creative identity issues and religious and spiritual belief systems.� As I integrate the work I am doing in therapy with my everyday life, I find that I am praying on a regular basis. �Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth.�� (Psalm 54: 2)� Praying helps me to be able to calmly focus, to be thankful, and it improves my ability to ask for what I need, not only from God, but from the people in my life.� In my fourth month of psychotherapy I begin attending a local Seventh Day Adventist Church, Willow Brook. Over the next year, my newly found faith, church members support and my personal growth are elemental to my safety and self-assurance.� In line with my experience, the Johns Hopkins Health Alerts newsletter reports on a study that was published in the journal, Depression and Anxiety (Volume 23, page 266) stating that those individuals that considered religion as �very important had fewer anxiety, panic, and phobia symptoms and less perceived stress than other participants.��� Furthermore, the significance of religion on the participant was �more important in predicting improvement in panic symptoms than age (or) gender.�

According to the licensed psychologist, Ruth Ann Seidman, Ph. D., there are multiple therapeutic techniques with varying emphasis that are recommended in a treatment plan for individuals with Panic Disorder.� Relaxation training is significant to learning to manage anxiety and panic.� Relaxation techniques include abdominal breathing and visualization techniques.� Additionally, it is important to explore underlying issues that may contribute to the anxiety and identify thoughts that may trigger or intensify panic.� Once triggers are identified, solutions for breaking or interrupting the connection between catastrophic thoughts and physical symptoms can be learned as a coping skill.��� Medication may also be recommended by a qualified doctor.� Another important approach to managing Panic Disorder is to make lifestyle changes, such as increasing exercise and assertiveness, and making a plan to manage time and stress more effectively. Other discovery tools, such a journaling and flash cards with coping statements can be fundamental to managing the anxiety associated with Panic Disorder.� Making these changes may aid in facilitating a healthy association between the mind and body.�

�In regards to this relatively common disorder, Dr. Seidman reminds those who suffer with Panic Disorder, �You are not alone.� Help is available and you can feel better.�� She recommends obtaining a referral from a physician or contact the professional organization, the American Psychological Association.� You can seek advice from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or social worker, or your local mental health clinic.�

Thankfully I have been able to improve my life with the help of God, prayer, family, therapy, friends and my own dedication to my own wellness.� The key component to my unexpected journey through Panic Disorder is skillfully managing my anxiety.� �For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.� (2 Timothy 1:7)



copyrighted by Leisl Weaver Miller.�Material is an�unpublished article for the magazine Women of Spirit

What To Blog About When I Have No Idea

I have so much going around in my mind this week in trying to prepare for next week, that I am totally ADHDing about what to blog about.� I am sitting here trying to cool off while watching The Doctors stick needles in some woman's face and grossing out totally...and then the blog got interrupted by my sugar plummeting due to a couple of Twizzlers.� Yes, I bought some today because my thought was i would take them on the mission trip and then I wound up eating a couple.� They hit me harder than anything else does and I ate them like two hours ago!� But it might not have been just them...I had not eaten since about 11:30 and after a couple of Twizzlers I went for some fruit and I probably needed some protein.� So just had a whole wheat english muffin with some all natural peanut butter so hopefully all will be well by kickboxing time.



I still have things to pick up prior to our early morning departure on Sunday for a seven hour drive.� I am looking forward to the mission trip; not to the drive.� I have some snacks for the car picked up, and some of my own healthier staples ready such as my whole wheat sandwich rounds, oatmeal, crystal lite.�

Later the same day...



Okay, back from kickboxing and have just finished watching "Losing It with Jillian" and this has been a favorite ep for me; actually made me cry.� Overweight parents, kids who worried about them, a father who shuts down and doesn't communicate leaving the mother with no one to lean on.� Heartbreaking.�



I think as women we worry a lot about our families; we worry about health and relationships and men don't always communicate so well.� We often wish they would.� I worry a lot about The Brit. A lot.� Can't imagine life without him.� We aren't young anymore and though I don't feel "middle age" in numbers, I'm almost there.� I worry a lot about The Genius, who has trouble obeying rules at home and I wonder what will happen to him when he gets out in the real world if he continues along the same path.



I can't make anyone else want what is best for them or what I believe is best for them; they have to want it for themselves.� There is nothing I would not do to help them achieve their goals if they would set them. But I can't set them for them.� I so wish I could want it for them and that would be enough, but it isn't and it never will be.� I don't want unreasonable things for them or for myself.� I just want them to live long, healthy lives.



Anyway, the father on the show finally saw what he was doing, how he was shutting down emotionally due to feelings of failure due to weight and the loss of his job.� At the end of the show (total of nine weeks) he had shed 61 pounds, had found another job, resolved to be more open and available for his wife and was oozing confidence.



Brought a tear to my eye.� Mom was down 41 pounds and you could see the strength in their relationship.� Very moving.



I'm trying yoga tomorrow night.� I'm kinda nervous.

Sometime Even I Can Catch a Break

What do I mean by that?� I mean that I am single parenting this week and grandma called and wants to see the boys Wednesday thru Saturday.� Two whole days to myself!� Bliss!



As much as the thought of rolling out of bed on a Monday morning at 5:45 does not appeal to me, there is magic to running at 6:00 AM which I did this morning for the first time.� Next to no traffic, low humidity, other runners, who always wave which is awesome and I ran more of my two loops then ever before.� Came home, showered, packed my lunch and got to work EARLY.� Then got tons acccomplished there as I am out next week for the mission trip.� Came home, went through my clothes and shoes for yard sale items, tidied up, washed our bedding and even stopped The Genius from walking off with our lawn mower (without asking, of course) to "help" Michael mow.� Michael does not have a large yard; the problem lied with Michael having to do a chore and The Genius being without a playmate while this went on.� Two steps ahead...gotta stay that ahead of The Genius.�



I love running.� It is truly an addiction.� I went to bed an hour early, knowing my plan was to run early, and I actually woke up twice during the night to check the time.� I think I was actually excited after not running since Friday as well as looking forward to my first early morning run.� And running outside has probably ruined me for the treadmill forever.� So much more interesting outdoors.



So did you all see the news about the "healthy" frozen dinners?� If you didn't, check it out here , especially if you are a fan of these easy meals for weight loss.� It's rather scary.� Though some are actually better for you then then claim to be, there are some that are SO MUCH WORSE for you than they claim to be...such as up to 350% more fat than the package claims.�





�How do they get away with it?� Easy.� Averages.� Cook your own and you know exactly what you are getting.



I love online browsing.� I was looking around on�LiftYourSole� today and can't decide which of these is my favorite.�











I'm rather partial to the second one but like the first one as well.



In other news, The Brit made it to Germany safely.� We will be together exactly one day before I leave the on the mission trip for the week.�



I really need to make up a To Do list and a packing list.� So much to do, and it is quickly becoming so little time.

Today, A Chapter Book

Chapter book?� I swear, we never used this verbiage when I was in school.� Picture book, yes.� Chapter book?� Not so much.��



Why can't I inspire the ones that mean the most?



So, I have written before about people telling me I inspire them and those words humble me, even when they don't exactly seem possible.� What I wish though, were that I could inspire the ones closest to me to change their way of thinking about things.�



I worry a lot about losing people before it should happen.� I know we all have an end time in this world, but I� have lots to do and have finally�come to the conclusion that I want to live out my life here for as long as I can and I want to�feel good while doing it.� Yeah, I know Heaven will be amazing, but it is still the unknown and I'm not yet ready to cross over.�



I hate to see people give up or not try or think they can't.� I get that sometimes life throws us for loops and the things we counted on might not happen through no fault of our own.� My favorite quote of the moment is "Why would you chose failure when success is an option?" and it is so true.� Why would anyone?



I know that I chose failure for a long time because I didn't have the stamina to see things through, but can I tell you something?� Standing on this side of 109 pounds down and I know this is where I want to be.� I have something now to compare 315 pounds with.� Before, healthy was an unknown to me.� I had no idea what it felt like.� When you haven't tasted something before, how can you crave it?� But once you get a taste of something sweet like this, you wonder how you ever lived without it before.



I've seen people have a taste and still give it all up.� I was briefly that person before but never really lost enough weight for it to make a difference or I was too young to appreciate the difference.� I know I�can't do it for anybody else.� I can't chose success for them, but it doesn't make me not want to.� I want those dearest to me to live a great life.� To feel good.� To be able to experience all they are able to.� We pass this way but once, so we need to make the most of it.



Success is always an option and that option renews itself every day.� You can chose it.� Chose it now.� Today.



�The Mind is the first to go



I had other things, but now I can't remember what they were.� They will come to me later.� Today has been full of frustrations and I shall be taking them out in kickboxing tonight.� Then the kids come home and the fun of trusting The Genius while I work begins anew.

Fanatical?

I have recently been called "fanatical" when it�comes to exercise and this to came as somewhat as a surprise to me.� I don't really consider myself fanatical when it comes to exercise.� Quite the contrary in many ways.� I hate to sweat (tho I secretly admit it makes me feel like a beast when you can see sweat stains on my shirts.� Pathetic, isn't it?), I don't really enjoy the process of exercise at all and can I tell you how easy it is for me to skip a day or days at times? I'm saying it doesn't make me feel guilty as hell, but it is still easy for me to do.



But I'll tell you what I am fanatical about.� I am fanatical about NOT ever weighing 315 pounds ever again.� That is the one and only thing that keeps me honest and committed.� I am fanatical about never wanting to not fit in a chair again, or an airplane seat, or being pathetically out of breath after going up a flight of stairs.� I am fanatical about not ever wanting to feel uncomfortable in my own skin again, or tiring so easily after barely doing anything.



In many ways, I think my motivation comes easier than it would for someone who grew up a normal and "acceptable" size and then began gaining weight a bit later in life.� I have a point of reference to where I do not want to return.� The other folks, who grew up "normal" only know to where they want to return.� In many ways, I think knowing where I do not want to return is way more inspiring.� I have that point of reference.� It's a bit like viewing hell before finding a heaven on earth...I know where I don't want to return.



So fanatical about staying healthy?� Absolutely.�



I am planning to run tomorrow in the heat and humidity in order to take Friday off before Saturday's 5K.� I will persevere tomorrow but it will be rough.� But we are heading for summer.� I'm going to have to start planning some morning or evening runs before too long as running at 12:30 right after work?� Yikes!

Almost to Friday

Today has been moderately better for me.� The doctor is weaning me off the Zoloft and by the end of next week, I should be starting on Pristique.� I have some fears about the weaning off process next week when my normal dosage is cut in half but I am trying to be optimistic that the drug has become so ineffective for me that I will not notice much of a difference.� With being a golf widow all week next week, some of ya'll might want to check to make sure the kids are weathering the potential storm all right.



I have discovered that exercise is definitely helping me to cope despite the fact that right now, when I have little energy or desire to do it, I am making myself do it.� It releases endorphines that allow me to feel a bit better for awhile.� I literally forced myself to kickboxing last night (so not like me) after telling myself half a dozen times that I was not going, but am so thankful that I did.� Though this morning, the fog had descended on me again, for a few precious hours last night, I felt the closest to normal mentally that I had in awhile.� I ran this afternoon and again, it helped to lift the fog for awhile.



I had dinner with friends tonight before going to hear one of my youth girls give her junior recital (she is a vocalist) and the socialization that followed my run helped to keep me feeling more centered.� Depression, if that is what this is, runs in my family and though I don't feel mine is severe, it is enough to keep me from feeling "normal".� It is a difficult thing to describe if you have never battled it.� The inability to know the answer to "What is wrong with me?� Why am I feeling this way?" is a constant struggle. When the Zoloft was working, I could still have a bad day here and there, but I generally knew what the cause of it was.� This fog from the last week and a half, I can't account for; there is no one thing that placed me here.� I was feeling isolated a few days before the blow up at my teenager and it isn't that I WAS or AM isolated, but I was feeling that way for no explicable reason.� I sat at my desk at work last week and cried for no apparent reason; I only felt completely overwhelmed and alone.� My goals no longer felt worthwhile.� I was suddenly dreading the mission trip, something I look forward to every single year.� The thought of vacation was holding no joy for me at all.� These things and feelings are not who I am.



Though I do not cherish needing to take medication, if the choice is a pill, or constantly having this fog that I cannot seem to shake surrounding me, I will choose the pill.� Feeling this way with no end in sight would be beyond unimaginable for me.� I would never want to be the poster child for anti-depressants, but ladies, there is no shame in them.� Depression occurs much more frequently in women and I am entering into the years where everything begins changing hormonally.� I was fortunate enough to not have to take anything as a teenager though looking back, I wonder at times if I should have.� I remember once sitting on the floor of my bedroom with an open bottle of pills in front of me.� For the life of me, I cannot even remember what was so wrong (sound familiar?) but I was prepared to swallow a handful of these when the phone in my room rang.� It was a friend of mine who immediately said "I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to call you.� Are you okay?"� Don't tell me we don't have guardian angels.� I was maybe 16 at the time.



Now I am hopefully old enough and wise enough to know that an overdose would never solve anything, but again, if this is depression, it is a mild case and I am on medication for it.� But if anyone reading this is suffering from depression, do not let anyone shame you for needing help or belittle you for your feelings.� This stuff is real and there is no need for anyone to suffer when there is help out there.�



You don't have to feel this way.� Mental health is still health and what I am working towards.� It is all relevant.

Trying to Find My Happy Place

I promise we will get back to our regularly scheduled program here as soon as I get myself sorted out.� I have changed my doctor's appointment to today because I cannot handle feeling this way much longer.� I am pretty convinced that my zoloft is just no longer working for me and the doc is going to have to switch me to something else.� I am forcing myself to do things that I generally jump to do, would prefer to just stay in bed all day, have a short fuse and little excitement about anything.� Ya'll know me.� I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky, energetic gal.� Well, all that feels like it got up and left.�



I hate it.



I feel nothing like myself at the moment and that is really hard and anyone who has never been where I am right now, cannot understand it.� A few people have suggested other drugs, but I'm just going to see what the doc says and recommends.� It is just really, really hard to feel like this.� Even here at my desk I would prefer to just lay my head down and sleep. I am so hoping that the end of the day will find me a new medication and the beginning of a return to normal.



It has to.� Nothing else is good enough.



I have stuff I want to achieve and I can't do it feeling this way, with no desire to do the most basic of tasks.



My children are probably wondering who the bitch is who has taken over the house.



Hate it.

Never too Old to Start

There are times I think "Man, I wish I had started this health thing earlier in my life!"� Mostly those thoughts come into play when I am looking at my bat wing arms which will probably never go away without a knife and I'm not going there.� So for me it is a kind of vanity I guess, that I wished parts of me had not been abused by my weight for most of my life.� No, I shouldn't be vain, but sometimes it is hard when I see what I don't think I can improve on just due to age.�



But no one should allow their age to stop them from beginning to think about getting healthy.� I am hoping to spend my "golden years" traveling and experiencing new things and in order to do that, I need to be mobile and fairly fit.� In younger years, health might be about impressing people in order to find that significant other of our dreams (and for some of us, it could still be that in part, which is fine!) but as we get older, we start to think about the second half of our lives, which is way different than thinking about the first half.� When we are in the first half, we aren't even thinking about the second half, but once we get there and realize there is no reverse on this vehicle we call our body, it is time to start thinking about major maintenance!�



Just like as your car, washing machine, or fridge get older things are more likely to go wrong with them, the same is true of our bodies.� Me, I want to ensure, as well as I possibly can, that I keep this vehicle in�prime working order for as long as I can.� I want to enjoy those golden years where I am hopefully not working and my kids are grown.� We only get to do those things twice in life really.� Once from the time we are born until we hit school age and then again at retirement.�



As children, we exercised without realizing it; we ran from place to place, biked to our friend's house, ran around the playground at school or attending a swim party.� We never gave our bodies or our activity level a second thought.� When we get older, it's all we think about, because so often, something within our bodies hurts!� A pulled muscle, still hip, aching foot or ankle; our bodies at times seem to be protesting our need or want to be active.� Yes, there are times we need to nurture an injury to avoid further injury.� But those smaller aches and pains that come with growing older should not be side-lining us from working our bodies.� They need to last us until we breathe our last on this earth and bed-ridden is not anything I want to be unless my health deteriorates so drastically one day it is physically impossible to do anything else.� But I want to do my best to make sure that never happens.� We only have so much control of our health.� Seems cancer pops up for people who have never smoked as we consume more and more processed foods and chemicals (which I believe is part of the cancer problem but that is just my opinion).� But eating well and exercising at the very least, gives us a little bit of an upper hand against life threatening disease. In all honesty, and I am not bragging, but just stating�a fact because the reality of this still floors me, I have been sick a total of two days in over two years.� When I started exercising and quit smoking, I stopped with the 2-3 times a year colds,�bronchitis, etc.� It amazes me, how something I once hated completely (exercise) and now make myself do and love not hate it as much make myself tolerate is helping me in so many other facets of my life.



So if you think you are too old and set in your ways to start, you're not.� You just need to form new habits.� Better habits.� Habits for life.� And if you still think health has an age limit, check out this amazing lady.

Something Old, Something New

So back in 2006, I developed intense pain in my right thumb...excruciating.� Wound up being some kind of tendon that needed to be released, which required an out patient surgery and a couple of stitches.� Friday night, the problem began to reoccur; same thumb, same pain.� Pisses me off.� I have been wearing my brace that was given to me last night before the surgery and it was helping.� In fact, the thumb felt really good today...until I squeezed a plastic container of jelly while packing the kid's lunches for tomorrow and it felt as if the nerve or something moved or snapped or something but omg, the pain was incredible.� I think all the color drained from my face.� So I wore the brace to kickboxing and got on fairly well.�



My YMCA has been taking pics for their Facebook page and tonight they hit my class:



� Me in the black and white, getting my butt kicked by this guy:



� Kickboxing instructor extraordinaire and all around nice guy.



Anyway, I got a blog comment by a website called "My Fitness Content".� Basically they supply articles that I can use as blog content in an effort to link back to them and direct more traffic here.� They approved me, so I am going to give it a go and you all have to tell me what you think.� Once upon a time, I did a "Healthy Dose" Friday post, so I am going to resume it to give this site a shot, so Friday will be the first time you will see something like this.� Would love feedback on it and who knows, maybe we will all learn something from the content.



Tomorrow is a run day followed by meeting my friend at radiation to watch her adorable little girl.�� My friend will soon be finished with her treatments.� Keep her in your prayers that all goes well.



Okay, that is it for tonight...Idol, Glee and The Biggest Loser are calling my name!� Thank heavens for DVRs!



Oh and my eating so far this week?� Has been amazing.� Now I just need to keep it up!

Why Compare?

� Apparently it doesn't matter how big or small we are, how tall or short, how blonde or brunette, we will always compare ourselves to others.� I do it all the time and when I sit back and think about how insane it is, it totally annoys me.� Even watching "The Biggest Loser" weigh ins, I compare.



"She weighs 198?� How is that possible?� She looks bigger than me!"



In those moments, I forget that we all carry it differently.� No one believed that I weighed 315 pounds when I did (tho looking�at the pictures I have to wonder how anyone could not have believed it, but we are always harder on ourselves), because either they just could not believe someone they knew weighed that much or because I carried it so it didn't look like a 315.� Again, cannot imagine it being the latter.



We also use comparison to keep ourselves in check, or at least I did.� You know the drill; you pass someone on the street who is obviously a larger size and you think "At least I am not that big."� I did that all the time, trying to reassure myself I was okay in at least some perspective.� I think for me, it was a way of fooling myself, a way of denying the bigger (pardon the pun) problem that was my own health.�



Comparing our bodies can also be detrimental to the young.� TV and magazines fill young minds with images of what they are supposed to look like but no one thinks to explain airbrushing to them.� I heard a parent recently tell her ten year old the morning before a gymnastics event that "No, you cannot have a Peppermint Patty.� Tomorrow you can have anything you want but not today."� Is it just me, or is that not a healthy mentality to put on a young girl?� Ironically, my son saw the girl rebel and swipe one of the mini patties when mom wasn't looking.� So denying her, which in my opinion would neither make�nor break a tournament for this child, but it did in some odd way tell her to steal the coveted candy.�



So where am I going?� I'm not always exactly sure when these thoughts fill my head and I try to rationalize them.� But isn't it really all about health and teaching our kids and ourselves how to look at food in a healthy way?� From a young age when I was a child, kids�were rewarded for good behavior with special treats, so they learned if they were good, they deserve candy.� So these kids can grow into adults who continue to reward themselves for tough days or doing well, with food.� Food should fuel our bodies, not reward them.� Should we on occasion have those special treats we love?� Of course.� It is only when the unhealthy treats become our norm that we really get into trouble.�



And it isn't about comparing ourselves to others.� At 209 pounds, I am healthier than I have probably ever been in my life.� Satisfied with the number?� No, but is anyone truly satisfied with their numbers on the scale?� Is there really anyone out there who doesn't look at someone else and think "If only I could weigh what she does."?� Yet these exercises are fruitless.� Yes, a scale can help keep someone at an ideal weight in check, but we can also become a slave to it.�� My weight can fluctuate on a daily basis, but I am learning not to send myself into a tizzy about it.



I'm learning not to compare and not to get hung up on numbers.� I'm trying to teach myself to care about how I feel and not what someone else looks like.� If I lose more, great.� If not, I feel great despite the fact.



Now if you aren't feeling great where your health is concerned, that is when it is time to take some action.� If you are feeling void of energy, sick all the time, whatever, then it is time to evaluate what you can start to change to improve how you feel.� But stop looking at everyone else.� Our bodies are all made differently and chances are that no matter what you do, you are not going to have the body of "that girl."� Find your happiness within yourself, try to fix what doesn't make you happy, but accept where you are in your journey.� Today is all we are certain of, so lets not waste it wishing we are living someone else's life.



I hope this made some semblance of sense!

Choices

Some days I just wake up with someone or some situation I am aware of in the forefront of my mind.� Because I care so deeply for people, I always have the desire to want to reach out fix the problem for someone, which is a very arrogant of me thing to say, really, because it is so easy to stand back and decide what someone else is doing�that�is maybe toxic to themselves�and so much harder to look at ourselves and see our own issues.� But I have spent the last three years looking very deeply inside of my own problems with food and feeling vulnerable and making bad choices and have solved some, but not all of it...for now.� I would never be cocky enough to say "I have that licked for life." because we all know things can change in a heartbeat.�



I think that sometimes we make the same bad decisions over and over and over again, not because we don't "get it" but because it is simply convenient.� Is is what we are accustomed to doing.� It is our knee-jerk reaction to a given situation that we find ourselves in too many times.� We also find ourselves at the end of that day beating ourselves up about why we fell into that trap once more.� We knew better.� We know it never works out, but still we do it, hoping somehow, in some way, it will be different this time.� But it never is.



It is so difficult to look at our situation, whatever it may be, and admit that it isn't working for us any longer, or maybe it never worked for us to begin with, but we kept hoping for a different outcome.� Addictions and bad habits are not only toxic to us, but to those who love us.� They have to pick up the pieces of our broken life when we have once again smacked ourselves into a clear glass door, forgetting that there was glass separating us�on the inside to the prize we desire on the outside.� We see what it is we want on the other side and we sprint for it, like we have so many times in the past, only to feel the pain of hitting up against the tough as nails barrier and never being able to reach what it is we are certain we want and need.� It's convenient to do, because we have always done it that way.



Some people learn quickly�and it may only take them one or two times of smacking up against that wall, but others seem to take much longer to understand that they need to re-evaluate and change the behavior of what they are doing.� It's not easy to do.� Old habits, either good or bad, do indeed die hard.� Weight, cigarettes, bad relationships, addiction, gambling, whatever your vice is that is not healthy for you, the fact that it is not healthy doesn't make it any easier to give up, until we allow ourselves to have that moment of clarity.�



Nothing easy about taking a step back and taking a good, hard look at how we have handled ourselves in the past, dissecting it and discovering that we really are a mess.� And we are all a big ole mess when you get right down to it.� I have never met anyone who has their stuff all together, not even the people that look like they do ever truly have it all figured out.� Life is a messy game.� No doubt about that and we all have our vices or issues even if we are very good at keeping them hidden.� We can't hide from ourselves.� We can try.� We can ignore our own damaging behavior; we can not look too hard at it because we are afraid of what we may see, but can we really do that forever?



I guess some would say "yes", that we can can do it and we can take our mess to the grave with us, but in so many ways, I find that really sad.� Because if life isn't about figuring out as much as we can to make this part of our journey as enjoyable and meaningful as possible, then what is it?� Just because we've "always done it that way" doesn't mean we should continue to do it that way.� Change is hard, but often really worth it and we tend to find our own worth in the process.



So my challenge to everyone who happens to stumble across this is to find that thing you inwardly struggle with, whatever it may be, and take a good hard look on why it is what it is.� And then decide what you can do to start changing it.� It isn't going to happen overnight and you even have moments of falling back into that old behavior because staying the same is always easier than changing.� But stick with it and don't give up.� Every day, every minute is a chance to make a different choice; a healthier choice and that health is not always physical.� It can be emotional or psychological.� What in your life is tearing you down in some way and why are you allowing it to?� Then figure out, start figuring out, what you can do to change it.� Empower yourself to change your life, one small choice at a time.

Don't Ever Think I Have it All Together

I love the idea of inspiring people, but never think for a moment that I don't know how difficult any weight loss or health journey is...and most people will not start it with weight loss surgery like I did.� That was my answer and for me it was the right one, but answers are different for everyone.�



But I have learned a few things about the benefits of exercise and eating well most of the time.� I try�to never take one day of this journey for granted.� On days like today, when exercise feels really hard, I do it anyway, mostly for my own benefit but also so that when I blog about it, you all know that I know it is not easy.� I never want to pretend that I find it easy, but in some small way, I do hope to occasionally inspire someone to not give up, to make a positive change, to put themselves�first.�



See, I get it.� I mean, I really and truly get it.� When I see someone struggling with weight my heart aches because I have been there.� Hell, I am still there!� It doesn't go away and I may never see the number I want to see on my scale, but I do think I have taken control of my health.� So though by the world's standards, I still have�a weight problem, my health is so much better because of exercise more than anything.� So when my heart aches for those struggling, I always hope to say that one little thing that may click in someone's brain.� One little thing that may make someone say, "You know what?� I can do something.� I can take a walk, I can join a gym, I can�take time to plan some meals."� Whatever that something may be that someone needs to work on.�



But never think I am sitting here thinking "Yeah, I got it all figured out.� Listen to me."� Because I don't and I hope I never come across that way.� I just want people to know that I get it.� I get that it's hard...to exercise when you aren't used to it, to exercise when it feels like you have no free time in a busy schedule, to cook healthy when you hate to cook, to decipher what is truly healthy in a grocery store full of lies.� I get it and I struggle with all these things on a daily basis.� But what I have figured out is that all those things are so, so worth the effort.� It is worth it, I promise you, to find an hour in your day to exercise.� Go for a walk at lunch (free!), buy a walking DVD ($20), ride a bike, play ball with your kids, walk your dogs.� A gym membership is not a requirement and they are expensive, especially when you are busy and have to try to plan a workout around their hours of operation.� But exercise does not mean a gym, though it can but so not a prerequisite.� Just do something.� Anything.� What I promise you will find after a short period of time is that you overall feel better.� That you have more energy during the day.� That you sleep better at night.� that mornings are not unbearable because you so cannot drag yourself out of bed.� It is worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT.�



I had a very similar situation with cigarettes.� I loved smoking.� Holy crap, LOVED IT!� It was my comfort zone, my stress reducer, my relaxing activity.� But when I decided that attempting to be a runner and smoking just are a conflict of interests, I gave it all up.� Did I miss it?� Hell yeah.� But let me tell you something...I feel so much better for no longer doing it.� My taste buds work better, my sense of smell is more acute, I don't gasp for air after walking up a flight of steps.� Again, it was hard but worth it.� I WAS WORTH IT.



Find your worth.� It is what I most want for all of you.� And if I, in my messy, trying to figure it all out way, can in some small way inspire you once and awhile, I will be a very happy camper.� I just want to pay it forward because people supported me in my journey and continue to support me.



I support you.� YOU ARE WORTH IT.

First Ride of the Season

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!� Mine was very nice; church and my mother's house for dinner.� Very relaxing for the most part and my busy work�season is over till December.�



So, I am thinking of trying to wean myself off my Zoloft.� It's a bit of an experiment for several reasons.� When I went on it, we had just gotten the kids, which was very stressful as the oldest is ADHD, and as new parents, dealing with that...well, it was rough.� I was also over 300 pounds at that time and not exercising much.� I had rather severe bouts of PMDD, where I would cry for a few days before my period started, which is what led to medication.� Now, I am hopefully a bit better at parenting and though the oldest, who is now a teen, is still stressful, I think I am handling him a bit better most of the time.� I am also down 109 pounds and working out regularly.� I had a conversation with someone over the last few days who was on another anti-depressant and gained 45 pounds over the course of 4 years.� She weaned herself off it, and her weight is now coming off.� So, I am wondering if the Zoloft is at all contributing to my inability to bring my weight below 200.� Worst case scenario is I am a basketcase off the meds and I go back on it.� So, I am researching the best way to wean off of it and I will keep you posted.� Right now, it is my time of the month, so I am not going to attempt the weaning until after that is finished.� Timing is hopefully everything.



Today, Tod and I took the bikes out for the first ride of the season....14 miles.� Other than the painful girly bits and rear end, it was a very nice ride and slightly farther than I went last year as we found ourselves at Dam #5.















Not sure if you can make out the cross through the trees, but I liked it.







Happy Monday, peeps!� Back to work tomorrow!