Okay, Need You All

I have been falling into some terrible habits the last few weeks and they have got to stop!  I know the majority of this has been stressed induced and the stress has not yet stopped completely with the unknown stretching out before me with a new job.  BUT, I have been snacking more.  I have been partaking of dessert a bit more often.  Again, the latter will auto-stop with going full time next week and my lunch dates a thing of the past!  I need to hold myself accountable and I need you all to help hold me accountable!

I refuse to gain weight!  I have lived my life that way and though I am not the size I want to be yet I also do not want to regress!  I said this surgery was for LIFE so falling back into these old, comforting yet terrible habits just cannot be an option for me.  

I don't even like talking about struggling.  I want to be the strong one; the one who has it all figured out and who is not tempted by the unhealthy.  But it simply isn't true. It's all such a balance; life is such a balance and there will always be temptations in our way but I need to return to making the better decisions.

The church is now officially over other than what I will do for them at home.  No more going through those doors or dealing with people who have forgotten how to act like Christians.  My last day was uneventful.  The Church Lady came in again and got emotional with me, Papa Don and the Music Director.  Papa said to me later "You never knew you had such a fan, did you?" Honestly, I did not, but she hugged me again and was tearful when she left.  She is disheartened by what happened to me there and I kind of hope she makes some waves about it.  She's a tough old bird and given the people who have been too afraid to take up for me when they hear someone saying something untrue, I do believe The Church Lady would.  But for me, the chapter is closed and a new one ready to begin.

 

Fabulous Friday

So much relief comes with Friday.  Two days of not having to stress.

The music director's husband lost his job today.  We ran into them at lunch today and they told us.  I feel terrible but yet the conversation felt strained and I don't know if it was because she was stressing or because she is annoyed with me.  I have already decided that I am not going to go out of my way to keep this friendship going.  I will be who I have always been, but if I don't hear from her, I will survive.  This church thing has brought a whole slew of losses so what the hell is one more.  The thing is that if it is a loss with her friendship, it will be her choice, not mine.  If it happens and she can live with it, so can I.

Shiloh told me tonight in a FB message not to let the church steal my joy.  I am guilty of allowing it to do that.  I get so wrapped up in stress and as I am a girl who hates contention and confrontation, when I am assaulted with it, it takes every tiny bit of energy I have to cope with it.  I hate conflict and have been surrounded by it all because of one asshat with nothing better to do.  But I am giving them and the conflict too much power. 

My eating has been for crap the last three weeks.  I have been afraid to get on the scale, though all my clothing still fits.  I stress eat like nobodies business and I need to get that back under control.  I only hit the gym one day this week, and that was for kickboxing.  I did walk two or three days this week and raked a bajillion bags of leaves, but I have been isolating myself in the afternoons which is why I have not been to the gym.  I did not crave being around people.  That is also not like me.  I enjoy people but this situation has had me feeling so overwhelmed that I don't even feel like I can act like everything is fine around other people. 

There are plusses that have come out of this so far.

1. I have found a potential new church where they do for real sermons.
2. I have had my eyes opened about some people and though it is painful, it is better to know than to remain in the dark about what can lurk just beneath the surface of people's psyches. 
3. I have truly discovered who my true friends are, both inside and outside of the church.

Life is full of lessons, even the ones we would rather not have to learn.  But God knows what we need to know and I know He has been pushing to leave this church for some time.  He knew how spiritually bankrupt I had been feeling and He was the one causing me to recognize that fact.  The discontentment in my spirit came from Him, but I fought against it for more than a year because it would be too painful to leave the praise band and the kids.  And though leaving those two things has been painful, I have survived it.  There will be moments of sadness over this in the future; I know that grief is a process, but at the end of the tunnel there is light.  I can already see it even if it is in the distance.

Figuring Out What Works for Me

So Jimnotmike left me a comment a few days ago when I was discussing the carb thing and I want to make a few comments on his comment because I am starting to figure out a few things, thank goodness!



Anyway, he said:



Ok, you talked about carbs, so you know I have to comment. Maybe it's me, and obviously it is...but the low carb thing is the easiest thing on the planet! Regardless of whether you do the first 2 weeks of it or not...that's just a kick start and totally unneeded. It's as simple as changing your mind. I know...I say that a lot. But it's less bread, less sugar, less pasta, less potatoes. Heck it isn't even less pasta and potatoes if what you keep in mind is that it isn't really about what you eat, BUT how fast what you eats takes to digest. Ok, so thought 1 - Fats are not metabolized as fat in the body. Fat pretty much glides through you system and out your poop hole. This is why the South Beach and Atkins plans are so effective. This is mainly because your body doesn't digest fats very easily. Your body takes the carbs you eat and first uses them for energy and THEN stores them as fat to use later while all that fat just passes right on by because it's complicated. So here is how I think about it. That sandwich I'm going to eat? I'm going to have it open-face, or one of those great new "Bread Rounds" AND I'm going to put Mayo on it (Full power Real Mayo---Fat) because that is going to slow down the digestion. AND THEN, I'm going to put some lettuce or spinach on it for roughage, cause your stomach can chew on that for hours. That pasta I'm going to eat..it's going to be whole wheat(much harder to digest) and it's probably going have an Alfredo sauce or if tomato it's going to be smothered in parmesan cheese, also harder to digest. That chocolate sauce that I am going to drizzle on my ice cream is going to be sugar free and the ice cream is going to have no sugar added. And I might even put a big ol dab of REAL peanut butter on that ice cream. Everything I can possibly do to make that food harder to digest. Because all the energy my body expends digesting that food is burning calories. I haven't exercised in months...not since the beach trip, cause well, ya gotta be hot for the beach! And even without a bit of exercise I am still UNDER 200 lbs, the same weight I was when I went to the beach. Low Carb is not rocket science and it isn't eggs everyday for breakfast...it's as simple as changing your mind. Choose, choose wisely and you will be rewarded.



Much of this makes sense, but as a whole, I don't think South Beach is for me.� Some of the choices he mentioned, I already do; Such as,�I exclusively use whole wheat pasta and bread and have been for a long time, though I don't eat much bread.� I don't often eat white potatoes as I prefer sweet potatoes.� But here was the thing....when I was totally low carbing it, my energy tanked.� I am much more than a mile long walk a day girl.� I put all I have into my gym workouts and I am still pretty convinced that a lot of my plateau problems existed due to needing to do free weight work and not having a freaking clue where to start with that, combined with being too lazy to try to figure it out myself.�



Along with my energy tanking, my other problem is at night the last few weeks, I have been ravenous!� Keep in mind that my surgery usually (there are times when I can eat way more than I think I should be able to, but those times are rare) prohibits me from eating much volume in one sitting.� I think this is why so many RNYers fall into that routine of "grazing" because we nibble over the course of a few hours.� Watch me at fire pit; I have never fixed a big ole plate of anything.� When I get up to do something, I will usually nibble a bit at what is on the table and then sit back down.� I graze.� But most nights are not fire pit so grazing those other nights is a huge problem.� Yet I have been constantly hungry.� I am burning all sorts of calories at the gym, coming home, not eating till dinner where I don't consume much food and try not to consume much at all in the way of carbs, and wonder why the hell I am starving two hours later?�



Part of it clicked for me when Jim said "And even without a bit of exercise I am still UNDER 200 lbs, the same weight I was when I went to the beach."� My energy would tank when I tried to exercise; I had nothing in me to sustain the activities I was trying to do.� The Genius runs cross country and guess what the team does the night before a meet?� They have a big ole spaghetti dinner because they need the carbs to run the next day.� If I am going to exercise, I need to have fuel to do it.



The other problem for me is that full fat items make me sick.� Literally.� My stomach and intestinal rerouting does not allow for me to feel good off this kind of stuff.� I also have to be careful with sugar free items because many of them are insanely high in sugar alcohols.� Sickest I ever got since my surgery was off sugar free ice cream.� I barfed my head off.� My system can no longer handle it.� Ice cream in general is a struggle for me, which is a good thing.� I have been sick off the full sugar version to, especially when I paired with..was it a brownie...at fire pit one night....maybe it was cobbler.� I forget, but the point is, I was sick.



So I have some limitations that "normal" people don't have.� Things I have to be careful of.� Yes, I also sometimes eat other things that I know are going to make me feel bad.� It's my struggle and I am dealing with that.



I had a conversation with Ashley (formerly known on this blog as Amanda.� I figured out her real name.� At least I had the A right) at the Y today. As she has lost a lot of weight and has gained some serious muscle and she is close to my age, I asked her for advice on snacks, explaining how hungry I had been at night and we got in a big conversation about carbs and exercise.�



So yes, I have to be careful with my amount of carbs and what kind of carbs I eat, but I am going to have a carb, a good carb with my dinner.� I can not always pair a carb with a full power mayo unless I would want the possibility of inviting puking or severe discomfort into my immediate future.� I am no longer watching the carbs in my yogurt, but the sugars.� I am going to be drinking an 8 ounce glass of lowfat chocolate milk within 45 minutes of my weight training workouts.� I am going to strive for 4 servings a day of fruits and veggies to help sustain my body to keep me from feeling hungry in the evenings.� I am going to let Sonia kick my ass at the Y and we are going to see how it goes.



Maybe in a few months, I will find out I was wrong.� Only time will tell.



Have a great weekend, peeps!

Peace out!

Sorry Son, you Can't Switch Familes

So yesterday morning, I was driving The Lawyer to school as he was leaving for Outdoor school until Friday.� He was loathe to go; he wanted to stay home.� I kept encouraging him to experience all he could in life and that I knew he was going to have a great time.� He told me to stop saying that because it was not true.� I asked him in Lane, his best buddy, was going and he said:



Lawyer: No.



Me:� How come?



L: He didn't want to go and his parents aren't making him.� I wish I was his brother.



Ah well, he is there and probably having a great time by now.



The Genius on the other hand....third week of school and he is already short 4 out of 6 assignments in his Government class.� Le sigh.�



South Beach day three and I am down three pounds.� Honestly, it has not been that difficult and it is amazing how much carb eating is nothing more than habit.� Carbs make you hungry for more carbs and due to not eating any, I am eating much less as I am not craving anything or feeling hungry.� I do hate the eggs for breakfast as my oatmeal helps keep me regular and you all know what I mean.� In a nutshell, I have not pooped today and that concerns me espeically given my 'roid issues of the past.� Ugh.� Other than breakfast it is all good...I just cannot wait to get my oatmeal back!



So on day three, Pounds: 3� Bowels: 0

Detour

I will probably complete the California adventure on Friday as there is just one more installment and I need to be on my desktop home computer to do it for photo purposes.� Today, I just want to generally update on life and tomorrow I would like to get back to Thursday 13.�



Despite all the bad news on vacation, life is rolling along fairly well.� I gained between 8-10 pounds on vacation and have taken it back off with regular exercise, so I am back at my plateau number again, which I am planning to pass soon.� I am getting my ducks in a row... and not this duck, though he has been my chuckle for the day:











Anyway, my ducks are lining up to start Phase One of South Beach very soon.� I am picking up the cookbook from the library today in order to do this in such a way it does not impact the rest of the family negatively and result in�complaints.�





I am currently running and working out to support my carb addiction and I need to break that cycle and SB seems to be the way to go.� Tod believes it will get me through my plateau and truth be told, I am sure my plateau stems from two major things:





1. I can now eat more



2. I have a carb addiction



Learning to eat for life and for health is really hard work.� It is so easy to slip back into old habits, even on a smaller scale.� But I am dedicated.� I am hellbent I will work this out and get back on the losing track again.



My boys went back to school today and though in a way I feel bad for them that summer seemed rather short, their going back to school means I can get back to the gym and I can get some neglected things accomplished at home in peace and quiet and without all work being undone moments later by boisterous boys charging around through the house.� They both seemed excited though they would protest that it was excitement but they were both ready to go out the door early.��The Lawyer�got the one teacher he didn't want to get, who he says is mean, but I'm hoping it is all rumor.� I am hoping if she is mean, that she is mean enough to get the kid to read as that has been hopeless.� He CAN read but he hates it and avoids it at all cost, which means, though he can, he is not great at it and ergo, his spelling also suffers.



The Genius started soccer practice earlier this week and I think he made the team.� I say "I think" because his explanation last night at dinner was a bit confusing, but if he still needs to go out and get new soccer shoes tonight, I will assume it is a done deal.� Getting him to talk is a huge undertaking at 15 years old; getting him to talk and to actually be able to understand what he is talking about is a different story altogether.



In other news, I have decided that this year is the year I will learn the game of football.� Not to play it.� To watch it.� Everyone gets all excited and gets to wear their cool jerseys and I am tired of sitting on the bench in a constant state of confusion.� So, with The Brit's help, I am beginning to learn.� I have picked my teams; The Baltimore Ravens and the San Diego Chargers and in�my first pre-game last night the Chargers won, which was cool...and I think I actually had a semi-understanding of how that happened.� It was actually at times kind of exciting to watch, once I worked out where the Quarterback was and knew which way my team had to run.� It will take time and much patience on The Brit's part, but I think I will eventually get it.



What about you?� Football fans?� What team?� How long did it take you to "get it"?

Laying Low on Monday

So no work happened today at all; did not go to work and did not work out.� I know.� *GASP*� Instead, Tod and I went thrift shopping in PA, though I found very little.� A pair of pants and a teeshirt, and a pair of bib overalls for my youngest.� We also stopped at a produce market and I picked up some stuff there as well as a book at Wonder Book.� We had lunch in a little cafe that served the best cream of crab soup I have ever had and it is apparently their Claim to Fame as the waitress told us.� Really good.� Had a half of a yummy good sandwich too...again delish (I like that word despite the fact that it came from Please Shenk Me Rachel Ray.�



Then it was home and to the library where I checked out a few cookbooks and the book "Food Rules" that I had on hold.� I've discovered that maybe I don't hate cooking; what I think I hate is getting stuck in cooking ruts, too afraid to experiment too much, but here's the deal, dawg.� The Brit has been making amazing Sunday night dinners that he has never made before.� One was a Jamie Oliver recipe and I'm not sure where the other two came from, but damn, they were good.� Yesterday was a chicken in blackberry sauce that was to die for.� But his trying this new stuff is making me feel a little bit braver, which is why I checked out some cookbooks today; two Jamie Oliver�and the Cooking Light Best Recipes from 2009.� It still have to be healthy; no crap food or fried food.� Must be nutritious and there must be greenery present.� We'll see what I can dig up.



So tomorrow it is back to work with a newsletter to put out in four hours, and then to the grocery store.� Home for awhile before kickboxing and then right from there to the church for a music rehearsal.� Hell week has begun (not to be confused with Holy Week...it is still holy, just for me it is also insanely busy!), but I am kidless Thursday and Friday and Monday and Tuesday, as I am working.� So Friday after work, all the female youth group members are going for pedicures, then meeting up with the guys for lunch.� I am looking forward to that as being at the end of this insanely busy week.� The Praise band sings at the Thursday night service and I am involved in a Good Friday dramatic reading.�



Okay, off to pour over recipes!