Fabulous Friday

So much relief comes with Friday.  Two days of not having to stress.

The music director's husband lost his job today.  We ran into them at lunch today and they told us.  I feel terrible but yet the conversation felt strained and I don't know if it was because she was stressing or because she is annoyed with me.  I have already decided that I am not going to go out of my way to keep this friendship going.  I will be who I have always been, but if I don't hear from her, I will survive.  This church thing has brought a whole slew of losses so what the hell is one more.  The thing is that if it is a loss with her friendship, it will be her choice, not mine.  If it happens and she can live with it, so can I.

Shiloh told me tonight in a FB message not to let the church steal my joy.  I am guilty of allowing it to do that.  I get so wrapped up in stress and as I am a girl who hates contention and confrontation, when I am assaulted with it, it takes every tiny bit of energy I have to cope with it.  I hate conflict and have been surrounded by it all because of one asshat with nothing better to do.  But I am giving them and the conflict too much power. 

My eating has been for crap the last three weeks.  I have been afraid to get on the scale, though all my clothing still fits.  I stress eat like nobodies business and I need to get that back under control.  I only hit the gym one day this week, and that was for kickboxing.  I did walk two or three days this week and raked a bajillion bags of leaves, but I have been isolating myself in the afternoons which is why I have not been to the gym.  I did not crave being around people.  That is also not like me.  I enjoy people but this situation has had me feeling so overwhelmed that I don't even feel like I can act like everything is fine around other people. 

There are plusses that have come out of this so far.

1. I have found a potential new church where they do for real sermons.
2. I have had my eyes opened about some people and though it is painful, it is better to know than to remain in the dark about what can lurk just beneath the surface of people's psyches. 
3. I have truly discovered who my true friends are, both inside and outside of the church.

Life is full of lessons, even the ones we would rather not have to learn.  But God knows what we need to know and I know He has been pushing to leave this church for some time.  He knew how spiritually bankrupt I had been feeling and He was the one causing me to recognize that fact.  The discontentment in my spirit came from Him, but I fought against it for more than a year because it would be too painful to leave the praise band and the kids.  And though leaving those two things has been painful, I have survived it.  There will be moments of sadness over this in the future; I know that grief is a process, but at the end of the tunnel there is light.  I can already see it even if it is in the distance.