Pretty Please?

I think I really need a week alone in a cabin in the woods to do some of the reading and writing I want to accomplish.  I am having trouble getting it finished here because there are so many distractions.  Just one example is that I was sitting here reading a book on writing Christian fiction when I remembered that I had to blog, so stop the reading to get the blogging accomplished.  And now it is snowing outside so that means no down time at all tomorrow as the kids will undoubtedly be home from school.  Now, they will be gone all weekend including Monday and Tuesday so maybe there is hope.

Waffled tonight about going to kickboxing as it was supposed to snow and it iced briefly and then turned to lots of snow, but I decided to go and am glad I did.  Got it done, got some GBC time and had a good time with Ray and Donna.  Really wish I had someone to do regular Y workouts with as it makes it so much more enjoyable, but it is apparently not in the cards.

I struggle a bit with no wanting to make people feel self conscious.  We had a gal in kickboxing tonight who was as short as she was wide, but she was there and doing it, modified to her level. I so wanted to say something to her after class but she was gone by the time I got out the door, but again, I wasn't too sure of what to say.  I just wanted to encourage her without making her feel singled out.  Is it better to not say anything? 

Okay, back to the book and soon to the next distraction of "The Biggest Loser."  Maybe I just need more hours in the day.

So is it a Heavenly Brick I Am Being Hit with?

I firmly believe that God tries to get our attention with things He may want for us to do.� When I was jumping through all the hoops before my RNY surgery, I was terrified, but from the beginning, I told God that if He brought me to surgery, I trusted He would get me through it.� I figured He could put the brakes on it at any time and He didn't, so when I went into surgery, I knew I would emerge on the other side of surgery safely.



I also believe that God places certain things on our hearts.� I mean, if someone always wanted to be a doctor for as long as they could remember, I think God places that on the heart and then makes a way for it to happen.� Now, I know you all are sick of hearing about my little dream of being a writer.� I have it, and am terrified to pursue it seriously, yet the desire never goes away.� I dabble in writing, but nothing I would or could publish.� I already know if I were to write a story, it would be in the Christian fiction genre and I already know the story I would tell.�



When I was at Women of Faith in August, in the program they give you, there was a WOF fiction writing contest.� There it is again...that whole writing thing that I believe God is trying to lead me to, though I resist kicking and screaming out of fear of failure.� And yes, I know all the cliches about "The only failure is the failure to try" blah, blah, blah.� Got it.� Have told myself that a kabillion and a half times.� Anyway, I sat right there in the arena and logged onto the website through my phone and entered.� Sitting in an arena, full of women who face the same daily struggles as I do and who love God as much as I do, I felt confident.



Once I got home?� Not so much confidence.� Back into avoidance mode.� Actually forgot all about the contest...till yesterday when I got an email from the publishing company thanking me again for entering and again giving me the list of rules and regulations.� I rolled my eyes, "Yeah God, I know.� I know.� But I don't think I can do it!"



Today my cell phone rang and it was the publishing company!� They were offering their support, thanking me for entering and urging me to call with any questions.



So really, is it God trying to hit me with a brick again?� Or just coincidence?� Coincidences are way easier for me as it helps avoidance reign.

Putting my Write Foot Forward

You know, I always tend to jump into something head first and then doubt my ability to follow through.� This has always been especially true with writing.



I love to write fiction and I dabble in it on the side.� I love spinning a little tale, often for my own amusement or maybe for the eyes of one other person or even a message board of faceless writers.� My reviews have always held high praise but yet when it comes to the thought of writing a full length novel, I freeze up in terror.� I keep trying to squelch this particular fear but how do you decide for it to be okay to put your dream out there for someone else to judge?�



My weekend in DC has brought around an opportunity for a writing contest and yours truly signed up and is now doubting the wisdom of that decision.� A minimum of 10,000 words by January 15th.� A story of the Christian fiction nature.� Oh, I have the story in my�head; it is getting it down on paper that scares me and even more than that?� The first paragraph.



That first paragraph has to grab readers and I agonize over it even when just writing something anonymously.� First paragraphs are terrifying.� It's the selection of exactly where the story begins and sometimes beginnings can have several options, but it has to captivate the person who picks up the book in a bookstore and opens it.� The reader has to want to know what happens next in order to take that book to the register and purchase it.



Granted, I don't have to start writing with the first paragraph.� I can start somewhere in the middle, leaving only a rough draft of the beginning to go back to later when I am feeling more confident, but then it is looming over my head the whole time; that concern of will I come up with something good enough.�



And what if I pour my heart and soul into this only to fail?� That's the real fear, isn't it?� To find out that something you have always in your heart known you should be doing with your life is not good enough.� That you weren't as talented as you'd hoped.�



In doing a little blog reading today I found this quote:



"Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure."� ~Author Unknown



Okay.� So it is time for me to step out and mean it this time.� How do I make that happen?� If anyone has been reading here for the last several years, I have declared before that I am going to write a book.� A few rough drafts later and it is tossed on a proverbial shelf collecting dust and nailed to the shelf by my fear.�



Does the fact that I can't let go of this dream mean that God is trying to guide me to it but I am resisting?� Sometimes I wish He were not so subtle.� There are times a brick upside the head would be too subtle for me.� I am a stubborn chick and at times that gift serves me well and at other times, not so much.



I have decided that maybe I need to approach this a different way, but for those of you here for a health blog, I should probably not go into my Christian-type plans.� Then again, do I have any need to be afraid of putting it out there?� Are you all going to judge me?� And isn't health about overall health?� About mind, body and spirit?�



So my spiritual health is going to be getting some work done very soon.� It's important and maybe in that work, I will be able to let go of my fears of failure with a sort of reckless abandon and stop allowing my fears to dictate what I do or don't do.� Maybe the work will allow me to listen with my heart and not with my mind, which is o so imperfect.� I need to find my ability to commit and to not doubt my abilities.



So what works for you?� What are you afraid of and how do you overcome it?