Quickly...

It's late and there is a buttload of snow out there and I have spent most of the night chatting and laughing (thank goodness!) with Deyse on MSN over silly Cityville which she is holding a virtual gun to my head to make me play against my will.

But...

I wanted to thank you all for the things you said.  Do I believe all of them?  I want to but things take time for me.  I have opinions of myself that are not easily changed.  And no, I don't want to be a famous actor (though it would be nice and there was a time in my life that was the only thing I wanted to be) but I did always want to do something that mattered...as a career and I'm not there.  Yes, there is still time.  I still want to write and am constantly working on that horrible little negative creature that sits on my shoulder and tells me how impossible it is.  

But...

You never know.  But again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  I think in light of recent events, especially at the church, I have been questioning my worth a bit maybe.  When I bust my ass for five years filling in with anything and everything that needs to be done and then have those same people I helped turn on me because I had issues with the pastor that I blogged about on a space I paid for, it is really hard not to wonder where I screwed up to allow people to feel they had the right to do those things. I'm sure that whole situation is somewhere in the mess that has been my emotions the last few weeks.

But again, thank you.  Love you all, truly.

Highs and Lows

I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions lately.  Just many different emotions at many different times, whether it be anger, joy, sadness, etc.  Got 'em all!

The Highs:

I lost four pounds on my first week on Weight Watchers.  That was a good thing.  I am also total PMSing so it could have even been better were I not retaining the world right now.  But I can't dwell there as such is life.  The program is really easy to use and beings I would rather eat poo than count calories, it totally works for me...at least for the moment.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Church is still rocking.  E and I went to the women's Bible study last night and had a great time.  The group is small, there were only five of us, but the ladies are friendly and honest and a little off kilter like E and I are.  I think it will be a good fit.  The whole new church experience has been a good fit.  

I won a book today.  WaterBrook Multnomah, a Division of Random House had a contest last week where they were giving away copies of books.  There were about ten new books and if you were one of the first ten to request a particular copy, and you told them why you wanted to read it, you won a copy of the book.  Today, they told me I won a copy. I was thrilled as I rarely win anything.

I have a job interview tomorrow at the spa/salon that Strat told me about.  Think lots of good thoughts and prayers please.  I am longing to get out of the church.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Zumba tonight was awesome.  There is a  young latino guy in our class, probably in his twenties who may be training to be a Zumba instructor.  He got to lead the last song and it was wicked fun.  The thing about this kid is the sheer joy that radiates from his face all the time.  So cute and so happy and it was just an awesome way to end the evening.

The Lows:

There are moments being at the old church working really bums me out.  Only moments.  But the moments are heavy ones.  Today a guy I have known for a really long time, who attended the second service, came into the office.  They needed something out of the shed.  Now, let me say that I have not broadcast to anyone what happened there or even that I am no longer there.   I assume my absence is now common knowledge however.  So this guy and his wife came into my office and he said to me "I need a hug from you."

So I  hugged him and he went on to tell me how upset he was that I was no longer there. He said that I was the one person he knew for a fact loved that church and would do anything for it.  I explained a little of what happened, not implicating anyone.  He wished me well and hoped that things changed one day.  So there was a great testimony sort of to the things I did there and then on the other side of that spectrum is the evil VP who refuses to even acknowledge my work in 2010 in her letter to the congregation.  

There is another bit of sadness that lingers with me that only one person in the entire world understands and that is my Brazilian friend, Deyse.  We share different things with different friends and even if I attempted to explain it here, no one would truly understand.  Only Deyse.  So we struggle together with this one in ways that sometimes we don't even understand, but it is still nice to have someone to share it with.  

On a good note with Deyse, she may be coming to the USA at the end of this year and DC is one of her destinations and if it happens I am there!  For like eight years now,  I have had an adopted Brazilian sister and one of these days I am going to meet her.  And then one day, I plan on going to Rio to see her as Brazil is on my bucket list anyway!

Hooray! It's Over!

Okay, by a show of hands, who here thinks Jimnotmike should have his own blog?

Survived Christmas!  Yay!  I hate this holiday.  Christmas Eve was very pretty at St. John's, though it was odd not to be with the people I have been with most of my life on Christmas Eve.  But, they have a great choir, a bell choir and they had other musicians as well.  The sanctuary, which is incredibly beautiful (our contemporary service on Sundays is held in the Worship Center), was decorated in poinsettias, wreaths and white lights...breathtaking.  The sermon was excellent and the whole thing was just barely over an hour...about seven minutes over. 

The kids loved their cell phones and were very surprised.  The Genius showed evidence of growing up when he wanted me to open my gift first before he opened any of his.  I got my Kindle and love it!  The Brit loved his Redskins jersey and the Blue tooth keyboard for his iPad.  Mother came for dinner and Robyn came over later once the kids were gone for the night.

Sunday night, I had my youth kids from the old church over and it was awesome.  So good to see them and to feel as if no time had passed since I'd last seen them.  They will all be going different ways in the Fall, and that makes not being in the same church with them more bearable.  They still love me and we had a great time together.

Today, The Brit and I had lunch with Jimnotmike (who needs his own blog), MyTod and Kelly.  I had not seen Kelly in awhile and I always love catching up with her.  Tonight, Emily, Katie and I went to see "Black Swan"; quite a trip, not at all what I expected and very thought provoking. 

Listing all of this, I realize how fortunate I am; I have many good friends and many of them not associated with my former church.  I know many people who are not so fortunate.  They are all truly a blessing.

Now, for a quick side story that Strat will enjoy and I would like to hear her take on it.  Yesterday afternoon, I was at the grocery store to pick up a few things I needed for the youth gathering.  There were no small carts, and I could not be bothered to get a big cart, so my arms were laden down with a gallon of distilled water, two bags of chips and two containers of dip, and I still needed a sleeve of plastic cups.  Finding the cups, which were sort of blocked in by a stocking cart, I wedged myself in there, knocking something off the shelf in the process.  Grabbing the cups with two fingers, I heard a voice behind me...

"Well, hello! How are you?"

It was the Puppet Master's wife; one of the two people who started this whole mess.  I didn't even want to make eye contact and didn't have to at that moment as she stooped to pick up what I had knocked off the shelf, "Fine, thanks."

"How was your Christmas?"

"It was good, thank you." At this point, I am backing out from between the shelf and the stocking cart.  I am floored how this woman will not come into my office on "Bible" study day, but here she is approaching me in a store, when she could have just sneaked by; I wouldn't have even seen her as I heard her talking to me before I ever saw her.

Before I could escape, she said, "I know your arms are full, but let me hug you."

AND SHE DID. I'm sorry, but what is that all about?  Is she just trying to make herself look like a better person, or is it guilt related?  I am clueless. Would she have treated me differently had her Puppet Master husband had been with her?

Okay, tomorrow, I will start relating the California trip!  What was your favorite moment of Christmas?  Favorite gift?

Happy Thanksgiving

Busy day today...insane morning tomorrow with a 5K I am not ready for.  I do have a cold but TheraFlu is keeping it under control for the most part and I don't feel too badly.  We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Tod and I went to the Health and Fitness Expo at that college today to pick up our race packets.  The expo was a little lame, but I did find a new hair stylist to try.  I love my current stylist but she had some problems taming my hair which is very thick, and though I keep telling her to not worry about how short she goes, two weeks after a cut I am hacking at odd pieces with scissors.  So there was this newer hair place that was at the expo and she tamed my sticky uppy piece of hair in the back, so I am going to make an appt and give her a shot.  She was telling me how she would do my hair a little differently.  I feel like I am cheating on my girl though!

Okay, so in honor of Thanksgiving, here is what I am most thankful for.

1. My God, who is forever faithful to me and only judges with love and mercy and not condemnation.

2. My family.  Even when they are annoying, I still love them.  I am especially thankful for my sister in law, Margaret, who has guided me through these last few weeks with prayer and scripture.

3. My friends; the amazing ones.  The ones who are not fair weathered but the real deal.  You have been available to talk, to help move my blog, whatever was needed.  I appreciate you more than you know.

4. My health.  Though my diet has not been up to my normal standards the last few weeks with my stress eating, I am still doing a 5K tomorrow.  Who would have thought?

5. I am also thankful for St. John 's Lutheran Church for restoring my faith that worship truly can be a place to learn and grow and that there really are pastors still out there that know how to pastor their flock.  We are still in the early stages with this church, but so far it feels like it could be home.

For my readers, have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving tomorrow.  And for any of you going out on Black Friday...well, I have no sympathy.  You are obviously insane!

Answered

There are times when we are in the midst of situations that God gives us amazing gifts.�



Way back when I was in my early twenties, I was running around with a bunch of theater friends, two of my closest being Ray and Dawn.� We were all theater fanatics and did shows together, took trips to NYC together and hung out at each other's homes together.�



Our favorite musical was "Les Miserables" and we all shared a passion for our favorite character, Eponine. I remember cruising the Dual with these two, as we belted out show tunes (I mean, seriously, how cool were we?).� We talked of our dreams and desires, our families and friends.� Dawn had lost her mother at a very early age and was raised by her dad and her grandfather and she in turn helped to raise her younger sister.



During the years of our friendship, Dawn went to DC to audition for the touring company of "Les Miserables" and was cast as Eponine.� I had the amazing experience of getting to see her perform the role not only on tour but on Broadway.� While we visited her in NYC, she and I went to see "Rent" and because Dawn knew they held seats for family and friends of the performers that they released at the last minute if they were not accounted for, we�would up second row center.



As far as I can remember that was the last time I saw her.� She continued touring, and through Ray, I heard she met a man and got married.� They moved to Toronto and were working for Disney on tour with "The Lion King".� I have thought about her often and the great times we shared.� She is one of those people I knew I would never forget but life takes people in different directions all the time and this was one of those times.



Today, I had to run out to Big Lots for cat litter.� I was not in the mood to go and even thought about putting it off until tomorrow, but talked myself into going.� As I got out of my car, I saw a woman walking ahead of me and I thought "Wow, she looks a lot like Dawn." but I immediately dismissed it as Dawn lived in Canada.� But when I followed her inside and she stopped to look at a furniture item, she was more facing me and I was unable to help myself.



"Dawn?"



"Kim!� Oh my God!"



We hugged for forever!� And then stood and talked for an hour.� Her father had passed away in July and she had been here since as executor of his estate.� We planned a tentative lunch date before she leaves in three weeks to join her husband and "The Lion�King".



I have prayed for Dawn for years; one of those special people that always remained on my heart.� God always knows what we need when we need it.� Today was truly a gift, but then every day is.

Strength and Peace

My sister in law sent me a quote the other night that is great opening for this post and my thoughts today.



"Every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side. ~ "

Barbara Kingsolver



We all get thrown into things in life we not only do not expect but do not deserve.� It has happened to all of us at one time or another and the only thing we can control is how we handle ourselves.� We cannot be responsible for anyone else.



Through life, I have learned a few things and often with each challenge that I find myself in during my journey, these things come to light once more.� The older I get, the more ingrained they become and the quicker I can recognize them as truth. I am left in awe about how some things God gives us directly and how other things, He simply gives us the ability to do it for ourselves.



Last night at kickboxing, I relieved some stress and it was amazing.� I say that because I felt incredibly stronger as the hour progressed.� My body was strong and sure, my combination by the end was 100% accurate.� My kicks were strong and my punches tight and controlled.� What I realized is that when I feel strong of body, I feel strong in other aspects of my life as well.



Today, I did my new personal trainer workout and last night's strength of body continued.� I was drenched in sweat but felt amazing and I found myself connecting with several songs blasting through my headphones.



"What have you done today to make you feel proud?"



Everything.� I try to approach all aspects of my life by giving my all.� Whether it be at work, at home, at the gym,�working with my kids on homework.� I try very hard not to do things halfway, to be thorough and to depart from whatever my task is with a clear conscience knowing it was a job well done.� There is no point in doing anything if you are not willing to do it well.



"When you're soarin' through the air, I'll be your solid ground"



I am constantly reminded of my amazing friends, family and extended family.� Those who truly know me, my ethics, my dreams, my goals.� Your support in words and prayers are something I am forever thankful for.� Every year you are all in my life, I appreciate you more.



Last night as I pulled up to the Y for kickboxing, I heard a song on Sirius "The Message", my station of choice all the time, that I had not heard in a year or so.� But it was a song I loved that always seems to turn up for when life is hard.� You can say it is a coincidence but I don't believe in those.

�

Well, sometimes my life

Just don�t make sense at all

When the mountains look so big

And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark

It�s so hot inside my soul

I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don�t come natural to me

I�d rather fight You for something

I don�t really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I�ve beat my head against so many walls

Now I�m falling down, I�m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band

Is playing this hymn

And Your grace rings out so deep

It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory

Won�t You be my Prince of Peace



Thank you for that one, God.� And to sum up that last thought, when I left the Y today, I had a text from my sister in law that said "Praying God's blessing upon you today.� May you feel the peace of God and His love surround you."



My sister in law, my sister in Christ, who so understands my heart...He has given me His peace.





�

�

 

�

�

Hold Their Hearts

I am sitting here knowing I need to blog and having no freakin' idea what to blog about.� My heart is very full of prayers for so many people right now that it is at times, consuming. Without mentioning names:



One friend with maritial problems and money problems.

One friend whose father has had a life changing illness and her parents refuse to acknowledge God because they feel He is the cause of their problems.

The friend who is travelling to the state where these parents live to try to help in any way she can.

A niece and sister who have just left their state and all their friends to start over someplace else, and the great nephew who has been momentarily left behind so he can finish up his season in his high school sport. (he isn't living on his own obviously!)...these same people have just had an unexpected death in their family last month and are still grieving.



I can do very little for any of them other than to offer an ear to listen and to support them in prayer, but it's hard knowing people are suffering and are not sure what the answers are.� The parents who will not accept God or feels He has deserted them, break my heart.� God does not create the problems here on earth; we do that all by ourselves.� Our world is so imperfect, often due to all the things we are exposed to such as pollutions and chemicals and heaven only knows what else. We all go through many valleys in our lives but we never walk them alone.� EVER.� And it is often in the valley that the ground is the most fertile; it is the time when we often search for God.� When we are so low and in desperation that�we cry out to him and that is what makes me know that though He does not cause the problems, he will use them in ways we often cannot even imagine.



There is this current song playing on The Message on my Sirius radio that I am madly in love with.� If you haven't heard it, look it up on YouTube, but the song is called "Hold My Heart" and I pray these words for all my friends and loved ones in these situations where they are struggling.

 

How long must I pray, must I pray to You

How long must I wait, must I wait for You

How long 'till I see Your face

See You shining through



I'm on my knees

Begging You to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father, will You turn to me, yeah?



One tear in the dropping rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the Maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?



One life is all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart?



I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why



'Cause I'm on my knees

Begging You to turn to me

I'm on my knees

Father, will You run to me, yeah?



One tear in the dropping rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the Maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?



One life is all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart?



So many questions without answers

Your promises remain

I can't see but I'll take my chances

To hear You call my name

To hear You call my name



One tear in the dropping rain

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the Maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?



One life is all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart?



Hold my heart

Could You hold my heart?

Hold my heart.





Songwriters: Donehey, Michael; Ingram, Jason David; Larue, Phillip; performed by Tenth Avenue North

�

Today is Looking Up

Today did not start out well.



Nothing major, but annoyances early in the morning are not my forte.� I had gone in to take a shower with Jonah (one of the cats who has apparently dubbed himself "Bathroom Cat" as he races me to the bathroom every morning for fear I will lock him out) and was waiting for the shower water to warm up.� It when then that I noticed The Lawyer had skewed with the shower curtain.� Though it looked like the liner was in the tub, it only was at the front half (where I could see it) and not in the back half, thus allowing water to shoot all over the floor as he also had the shower head aimed directly at the curtain.� Two soaked towels and one rather wet bathroom rug later, all was well.



The Lawyer tried to lie his way out of the Facebook scam (how very lawyerly of him) but his arguments were so ridiculous and he knew he was caught.� He tried to tell me it was his friend, Tyler's page and Tyler was just using his name....and his picture....and had friended his aunt (or ANT as The Lawyer spelled it on his FB page) and his grandmother.� He pretty much knew he was toast.� So grounded, ipod, laptop and DS all taken away from him until The Brit gets home (as he can go on the internet on all those items).



Today, I am having lunch with the wonderful Pastor Phil and I am very excited.� This is the man who raised the bar (and probably made most other pastors dull in comparison) for me on pastors because he is just a spiritual person.� He does not come across as preachy and we don't even necessarily talk about the Bible or any of that stuff.� He's just one of those people who you can see Jesus in everything they do and say and I am so blessed to call him "friend".



My other good news today is from the YMCA.� Tod's mom gave me a gift certificate almost two years ago for a personal training session and I was intimidated to use it.� A personal trainer?� Me?� It felt laughable.� But now that I know I need some serious help to get things moving again (I am not gaining...still maintaining) I really wanted to use a trainer once a month for a bit to learn some new stuff.� So, I had left the person in charge of those gift certificates, which expire after one year, a note on Monday asking if she might still honor it.� I never understand those kinds of things expiring because the money it was purchased with surely was spent and did not expire but anyway....Sonia called me back today and told me with her little latino accent that they did not usually allow expired certificates to be used, but I had been a member with the Y for a long time, and she was going to honor it.� I elected to set up my first session with her next Wednesday.� I was honest with her about my surgery and my workout regiment and she agreed I need some serious muscle work.� We will see how it goes.� It was a good week to do it as Michael will not be there next Tuesday, so no kickboxing.� But I may go at 7:00 that night for Zumba instead.



Tomorrow, lunch with Leisl before she leaves for Florida to�help care for her father.� He had a major blood infection that damaged heart arteries and he had open heart surgery on Monday.� He is doing well, but keep him in your prayers.



Friday, Frederick with Tod, I think...I assume that is still on.� I will work for bit and maybe leave early.



I love having an adult support system when The Brit is away...otherwise the children may not fair so well!

Life Lessons; Always Learning

Okay, Jimnotmike, sorry about the lack of Friday blogging, but every other Friday especially is a blur.� First there is work, then gym, then home ever so briefly to try to get a few things done for fire pit Friday, then I have to pick The Genius up at school for his 3:10 therapy appointment that lasts an hour.� Then home to finish cleaning up the house and to get dinner started.� By the time we eat, I clean up dinner, sweep the deck and get the fire ready it is nearly 7:30.� So every other Friday especially, no time to breathe, yet alone blog.



I don't know yet if all of last week's baggage is finished for me or not.� I am still struggling with a�few aftershocks, especially when folks who were hurtful decide to give me their opinions about other more minor parts of my life.� If you aren't gonna support the big ones, why would I care about the minor stuff?�



I have learned that there are very few people I can truly rely on, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.� Maybe I have tried to put too much stock in what other people think to the point that I depend on their opinions too much and it is not a mistake I will be making again anytime soon.� I am far from perfect and I know I have made mistakes with relationships and people and will make them again in the future, but I pray that I am wise enough to see if I have done something hurtful and to try to make amends.� For as outspoken as I can be, I hope I am never intentionally hurtful with�friends I care about and if I am, I hope I can recognize what I have done and then right it.�



I have learned that people don't always understand how we react to things that are said and that is okay.� I don't need people to understand why I, at times, will go to the opposite extreme of what they are griping about, but as long as it makes sense to me, and gets the job done, they don't need to understand.� Sometimes people only see what is in front of them and not the bigger picture and I try really hard to see the bigger picture, because there is one, always.� Be thankful when your biggest problem is donuts.



I am also learning that my system now barely tolerates any kind sugar treat, which is both sad and liberating.� I ate a piece of sugar free chocolate pudding pie with lite cool whip last night and was miserable over it.� Had another similar thing happen over the weekend.� Probaby a good thing, even if a little bit sad.

Exercise Can Be Interesting

So on Monday after work, I met with Tod to get some walking in and we had elected to walk to beautiful *cough cough* downtown Hagerstown.� There are parts of the town that are pretty, don't get me wrong, but the disappointment comes in that for years small businesses have been struggling to survive down there and more times than not, they fail.� But there were a few I had not yet explored, so in the horrid humidity, we headed down.



There�is a little what I call "junk shop" that I pass on one of my routes home that I had been wanting to scope out, so we went there first only to find it closed.� As I was peeking in the window, a woman, smartly dressed in a tank and skirt, approached Tod and asked if he would help her move a grill into her truck.� Well, the grill was freakin' HUGE, but he got it in there with skirt lady's help (and a tiny bit from me).� She then tried to give him $20 which he refused, even when she tried to convince him to go buy his "wife" ice cream. Obviously, I look like i need ice cream.



As he was now rather dirty from moving the grill, I suggested we walk over to the library so he could clean up in the bathroom.� As we walked in front of the library, an elderly woman stopped me and said "Honey, you got a man." Not too sure how to handle the situation, I said, "At the moment, yes."� She then asked if she could borrow him.� I asked her what she needed and she replied "Just a little huggin' and a little kissin'." As we walked away laughing, Tod said "Tell me you know her."



"Nope, never saw her before in my life."



True story.



We finally got a little shopping in, checking out a woman's clothing store, with beautiful things albeit expensive.� We then checked out the downtown thrift store, which has not changed much since my last visit; still junky with stained clothing.� Gross.� Finally, a little consignment shop, where I found a pair of pink, damn capris for $7.� We walked through the square and looked at the evening gowns in the windows of the stores and then back in the general direction of home.� It was then Tod discovered he had left his cell phone in the consignment shop, so his walk turned into a jog (he had already run that morning) back to the store to retrieve it.� I took the opportunity to poke my head into the bead store and pick up a class schedule as I do have�a secret desire to learn to make jewelry.



We walked home via the street when The Brit and I first lived.� Our first apartment was an old historical house that was made up of three apartment and we had the whole first floor, only sharing the building with two other girls. Loved that place.� Tod had actually painted the fireplace in that house to look like marble.� The place had been empty for awhile and as we walked past it, I pointed out to him how his fireplace was still there.� Looking into the other side of the downstairs, I discovered that the layout of our old computer room had been changed a bit.� The wall at one time had fake stone and built in bookshelves which were now gone.� I walked up on the grass to have a closer look even as Tod warned me there were people inside looking at the place.�



These said people, two girls, came out and we told her I had lived there eight years go and she offered to let me go through it!� Made my day!� The new owners had done some serious work, especially on the kitchen, which had been completely updated since we had lived there.� They told us to come back anytime, and I want to find the photos we took when we first moved in to show her next time.� A little walk down memory lane for me on a Monday!



Tomorrow, Thursday 13 and my California Bucket List!





�The buzzing metropolis of Hagerstown.

Thank God....seriously!

If this cat was drinking wine like I will be in a few hours, it would be perfect...but we can always view as "this is what I will look like by midnight."



Yeah. Ready for the weekend.� I think.� Definitely ready for tonight.� Starting tomorrow, I single parent for the week.� Not looking forward to that.� Dear Lord, let it be an uneventful week.



I have been sitting with my friend's daughter, Emma, while her mom, Shiloh (my friend) has been undergoing radiation for breast cancer.� I love this little girl.� I think because I have two boys, I find little girls just magical.� I love her little girly attitude and her blonde flyaway curls and how precocious she is and though I am thrilled to death for my friend almost being finished with her radiation, I will miss Emma Wednesdays (though I do plan on spending some time with Shiloh, Emma and Deacon this summer with my boys).�



Apparently, Wednesday night, Emma had a seizure.� They took her to our local hospital, ran tests and found nothing out of the ordinary, so they released her.� On her way out to the car, Emma had another seizure, so they took her to DC to Children's Hospital.� Now, she is doing well and they think the seizures are idiopathic, which after talking to Shiloh, sounds like they are not the bad kind (is there a good kind of seizure?).� Hopefully she will be released today but please keep Emma and this family in your prayers.� They have had a trying year and I am praying that they all have a safe passage to the other side of this tunnel life has thrown at them.



I have my eye on one of these .� For $29, I don't think I can beat it.� A lot of runner swear by the Garmin 320, but I am not yet serious enough to spend $150.00 on a device.� And i don't have to have Nike shoes to use it.� Amazon or eBay both sell a thing adapts with your laces to position the sensor.�When I stay on the path that marks a mile for me, I know how far I have run, but let's face it, one of the joys of running outside is being able to go different places.� But when I go different places, I have no idea how far I have run.� Plus I think this little baby gives you your calorie burn too which would be awesome.�



Okay, I can think of nothing else for today.� I think my fog blocks some of my creativity, so bear with me.� I'm getting there one day at a time.



Happy weekend, peeps!� Join me in a drink tonight on the deck!

Looks Like We Made it!

� Nothing like a little Barry Manilow to remind us it is FRIDAY!� Though I find that picture of him rather creepy.� I decided on the title of this entry, punched it into Google and hit "Images" and was amused.



Anyway, yesterday lunch was awesome.� I have great friends.� Truly.� And I spend time with different friends�for different reasons; all are my friends, but I think we find certain things we need within each of our friendships.� Make sense?� Moving on.



Leisl married a widower with two young sons, so she is raising two boys who are not biologically hers, who are now close to the same age as my kids. �Sound familiar?� Moving on.� So she gets it.� She tells me stories and her thoughts on mothering and on her kids and I realize I am not as abnormal as I often think I am for some of the thoughts I have.� I realize that in order to love someone you don't necessarily have to like them and that is okay, because other mothers feel that too.



I have a few other friends raising boys, but they gave birth to them and though many of the issues are the same, raising kids that are not biologically yours has a set of separate challenges.� Mothering them has a whole 'nother set of challenges.� It is a fact that the same sex parent is the most influential person in a child's life.� I am not that same sex parent as I am harshly reminded of each time The Brit has to travel.�



It was also long overdue yesterday for me to spend time with a girl and only with a girl.� I love my male friends dearly, but they are not girls and we think differently.� Holy crap, do we think differently.� But again, discussing these things with Leisl makes me not feel as much on an island alone as I sometimes do at home, living with all males.� It is difficult to not have anyone else there who thinks like a girl and men don't get the way we think anymore than we get the way they think.� That's just the way it is, but the fact remains that there are three people in my house with similar mind sets.�



And then there is me.



But for a few hours yesterday, I was able to connect with someone who thinks as I do and is going through the same parenting challenges as I am and it felt wonderful.� It was rejuvenating and I am so incredibly thankful that Leisl and I were able to reconnect after so many years.� God knew what he was doing.� He knew she and I would need each other for sanity purposes.



And she has signed up to run the 5K with me at the end of May.



And Emily, thank you for the reference about the Road ID.� The Brit surprised me and ordered me one.� Can't wait for it to arrive!



So, everyone have a wonderful weekend.� Stay safe, do something healthy and report back to me on what it is.� I will be running after work today in 80 degree temps, a far stretch from how cold it was on Wednesday.



I leave you with this quote I ran across today and I really liked it:

�

If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run.

John Bingham, running writer and speaker

 

 

Do We Ever Really Gain Wisdom?

Part of health is mental and trying to figure out the right things to do.  I often second guess myself when it comes to matters of the heart, even when the situation at best, seems toxic.

I had this friend in high school; well, middle school actually.  She wasn't popular, so when I moved here from California in the 8th grade, she took to me pretty quick (at least this is how it is in my memory; it was a long time ago) and I latched on pretty fast too, being the new kid and all.  She was a little different from other people I had met before and not very well liked, but I liked her well enough and she introduced me to the handful of friends she had and I liked them too. 

And so it began; a friendship that started out well enough.  We spent hours on the phone, we wrote stories together, she introduced me to makeup and to Christ, by taking me to my first Christian concert.  We sang in the youth choir together and we walked back and forth across town to each other's homes.  Despite her oddities in some things, we talked all the time and I enjoyed her friendship. 

High school started and I was no longer the new girl and I discovered drama club, which led me to new friends.  I was friends with this girl and with my other friends as well, but things started to change a little bit.  By our junior year, she had said mean things about me behind my back and had kissed the boy I had a huge crush on (purely for shock value because they weren't really friends or dating or any of that) right in front of me.  Then she acted as if she had no idea why I was upset.  It was almost like she wanted to erode our friendship. 

Did I talk about her behind her back?  Probably.  We were teenagers, but of course, it is always easier to remember the wrongs that were done to us than to remember the wrongs we caused.  So, no I can't remember any specifics of things I may have said or done, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. 

By senior year, we were barely speaking and then she gave me a note, saying she was sorry and asking for another chance to be friends.  Tentatively, I agreed and two days later, she was speaking badly of me again to a mutual friend, who told me what she said.  I ended things for the last time; I destroyed everything she had ever given me and moved on with my life.

Yet through church, our paths continue to cross and it runs hot and cold.  She helped me fold tablecloths once and the next Sunday jumped all over my oldest son for an accident involving he and her daughter (they both knocked each other over in Sunday school).  When a wedding at the church left the cupboards in her Sunday school room a mess, she approached me asking if it was my kids and I shot back at her that no, my kids go to school.  These kinds of little exchanges are the norm for us; one moment it is friendly, the next ugly.  We are both defensive.

But four months ago, her father died after a battle with cancer.  The funeral was at the church and I attended and helped in the kitchen for the meal afterward.  Then four months to the day of her father's death, her mother died, two weeks after a cancer diagnosis and today was the funeral.  Again, I attended and helped downstairs and she stopped and thanked me and we spoke briefly.

My head tells me that this is where this relationship should stay; that once friends, we should simply be reduced to occasional pleasantries.  But something else inside of me wonders why there cannot be a chance for a friendship.  It's always been hard for me to let go, especially of situations where I don't understand why they ended up where they did.  My heart goes out to her right now with the loss of both parents so close together, so maybe that is where this feeling of melancholy comes from.  I just don't know the answers.  It also struck me today that there were no people there her age, like friends.  Most were elderly people who were probably friends of her parents, with myself and two others from high school.  I'm also not sure in the 26 years I have known her that I have ever seen her cry.  It's like she has closed herself off. 

So what to do?  Tell her how I feel and risk possible ridicule or even worse, getting back on the roller coaster that was our friendship?  Or let bygones be bygones and leave it alone?

Busy But All Good

It has been an insanely busy couple of days!

Friday night lock in at the church...always a good time.  Much laughter, little sleep, woke up freezing, but there are things to be said for health.  Where once spending the night in a large, open space and waking up cold would have had me sick, not anymore.  Now, I am all healthy and being sick is a rarity.

Saturday, lunch with Kelly and Robyn and tie dying at Lisa's.  Have to tell you...I adore my Kelly.  I don't see her enough but it is always great fun and a joy to be in her presence for a day.  We seem to agree on most things (either that or she fakes agreement ), have similar passions in life and just generally enjoy life for the most part.  So, anyway, by Saturday night, I was exhausted and in need of sleep.

Sunday was church and a potluck and a meeting and a celebration of Paula's 15 years of service with the church.  She was very surprised and we had a good time performing a silly little skit that probably only she understood that depicted a typical rehearsal for the praise band.  Sunday night was a group dinner at the Indian restaurant with Robyn, Tod, Lisa, Phil, Emily, Dave, Kelly, Deanna, The Brit and myself.  I polished off a bottle of wine single handedly and was offering Dave's birthday cake to all the servers including the one we called "Skinny kid", which is what I yelled to get his attention.  Good times.

Today, work, then off to Frederick for lunch and shopping with Tod and Kelly.  Again, great fun.  Our final stop was the running store as Tod was finally convinced to bite the bullet and invest in for real running shoes.  While he was fitted, Kelly and I wandered around and I bought a t shirt, key chain and decal for my car that says "runner girl".  Kelly, on the hand, a non-runner, is very amused by things that are novel to her, which is quite funny.  For example, toe socks...socks with actual toes, like gloves for the feet.  And a under armour type shirt with thumb holes.  The shirt had her at thumb holes.  Too funny.

I very tentatively state that my cat seems to be a tiny bit better.  I have not heard any gagging, and she took a tiny bit of bacon tonight.  After a discussion with my real vet and not the other one I was stuck with on Friday, I am feeling cautiously optimistic.  She believe that Jasmine has to become acclimated to the medication and now she seems to be starting to move past the nausea.  Now we just have to work on her appetite.  Her very high thyroid level of 22 to start is down to just above 13 (normal is between one and two) and though she could use a higher dosage, the vet is waiting to see if she will better adjust to the medication.  Her other blood work was great...kidney function normal, liver function now normal.  So we hold our breaths and keep working with her.  I'm going to buy her for real bacon tomorrow (she had bacon bits tonight, so not fresh) and see if she will take more of that.  We will also try Pepcid and maybe a mild steroid to try to get her to eat more.  Will keep you posted.

No gym today, so kickboxing tomorrow night.

Cathartic

First off, let me thank those of you who left me positive comments yesterday based on my rant.  Things feel somewhat better today, though I still feel a bit overwhelmed, but a lot of that has to do with next week, I think.  Working two places next week is not a problem under normal circumstances but my mother is currently not a normal circumstance.  But hopefully, it will all work out.  I'm also working on figuring out a way to workout next week and I think my best bet is going to be going home, picking up my oldest (my youngest is in a club at school and doesn't come home until nearly 6:00) and taking him to the YMCA with me.  He is grounded, so I would make him stay in the gym with me and actually work out for an hour.  He'll live through the experience.

I am slowly discovering that running is rather cathartic for me.  Yesterday, with my head all full of stuff and annoyance and a bit of self pity (and no, there was no cotton in her ear...she was feeling swelling) I went back to the park and did my run-walk again and by the time I was finished, I was feeling much better.  And let me tell you, running outside is the way to go.  So much more interesting than the treadmill and I can actually see the distance I have covered.  So matter how winded I get, there must be something I love about this sport because I keep going back to it.  I always kind of thought there was a runner hidden inside of me, and though she has not fully emerged yet, she is poking her head out to scope out the situation and apparently feeling a bit more confident with each outing. 

Being the blog reader that I am, I have discovered that I have problems finding running blogs of women over 40.  Most of them I have found are women in their twenties and though, good for them for running, I think running a little later in life has its own set of challenges and it is nice to find people to relate to.  So, if you stumble across this little blog and you are a runner over 40, give me a shout out and if you have a blog, give me a URL.  Would love to read you and learn from you.

Moving on....

I didn't give a birthday shout out last week to Jimnotmike and I should have as he turned the big 40, the poor baby.  He had a gathering Saturday night that we went to and he does the best food.  Awesome stuff, like sushi-ish size stuff only it is turkey with a dab of stuffing and cranberry sauce or bite sized meatloaf with a puff of mashed potatoes on top.  Then there was the best birthday cake ever, which I cannot figure out why it was so good as it was not chocolate, but I could have eaten way more of it than I did but I didn't want to get sick off sugar overload.  But YUM.  So, Jim, welcome to the wonderful world of 40; it's not as bad as you think.  I have actually been rather enjoying my time here.  It has its challenges, but every decade does.

Okay, off to run soon and then home to cook dinner and get some stuff done in preparation for hell week next week!

 I'm telling you, when it is just me and the outdoors, there is some kind of magic there.

Expectations

Sorry that I haven't updated but it has been an insane week.



After a few very bad days, mom seems to be doing better.� She insists she looks like Frankenstein (she doesn't and even if she did it is healing.) and won't listen when I tell her a freakin' paper cut takes longer than two days to heal.� Have had to push the issue of food so she will eat.� The pain in her ear is really bothering her as well though I think that has subsided a bit today.�



So that is where I have been the last few days, and the situation is pretty normal where The Chosen One (the other sibling who lives the closest...about 15 minutes from mom) and his spouse is concerned.� Let me preface this by saying it is a privilege to be able to take care of my mother; that is not where my annoyance comes into play.� Not at all.� The annoyance comes into play by the ASSUMPTION that it is okay and apparently even expected by The Chosen One for me to take off work when there is a family crisis.� My job apparently is not as important as either of theirs, nor is my vacation time, because apparently I don't work as hard as they do...or something.� They have no children nor pets.� Just jobs and each other.� So anything family related that requires actual TIME is my department...not that they actually ever assigned this to me.�



It would just be nice to be considered by them.� For him to maybe say "Are you okay with work and the kids to be able to be here?"� But see, I don't get that.� I get assumptions.� And expectations.�



When my dad was dying, they would come into the house after work, sit back and�chat with him for 30�minutes (he was in the bed most of the time at this point), come out to the kitchen and eat their dinner, go for a "power walk" through the neighborhood, come back and say their goodbyes.� Their schedule cannot be�moved.� No matter how much of a priority exercise is to me, other things take precedence.� I haven't seen the gym since Monday, but they would not change their schedule for a dying father.�



Maybe it all comes down to what people are able to deal with, or with what they can live with.� Again, I am fine taking care of whoever needs to be taken care of, it would just be nice for them to say "Is this okay?" other than to just assume it is when I am balancing a parent who is not well, two children, a job that I have no back-up for, and a husband and house and six cats.� Just a "Is this okay?" or a "Thank you for doing this." does a lot for hard feelings.�



Anyway, with that being said, I have also had a few angels in my life this week:



Robyn, thank you for staying the last three nights with mom so I can go home and tend to parenting and the other things I need to get done without having to worry about mom being alone.� It means more than you know.



The Brit, you have been wonderful about bandage changes�and your presence with mom is so calming.� It is amazing.� I love you and thank you for doing it without complaint.



Margaret, you are never a pest, but a blessing in my life.� Your gift of being able to call me on the phone and pray with me for the situation and just knowing that you "get it" had done wonders for me this week.



Paula, thank�you for just checking in and for offering to round up a few meals I�can take to mom.� She hasn't felt like cooking or eating much, so this was such a gift to simplify things.



And for the multitude of people�that through�Facebook and email have told me they are praying for her.� It is a tremendous gift that is so appreciated.



So there you go.� Happy Friday to each of you.� I am going out with a group of fun and awesome people tonight to alleviate the stress of the week.� Hope each of you is doing the same!

As Promised

Okay, a strange photo op....

Shell and I after Friday night's conference went back to the hotel room and split a bottle of wine.  In the midst of that, Shell needed a cigarette and it was a bit of a problem because the hotel was non-smoking, we were on the seventh floor and we were both in our pajamas. She wanted me to come down with her but I refused to put on a bra, so I threw on a Women of Faith fleece top over my very obviously pajama bottoms.  Shell did throw her bra back on beneath an over sized Betty Boop night shirt and pj pants.  Now, the first night we got there we realized our hotel was right across the street from a very busy nightclub where people actually stood in line to get inside, so of course, they were lined up there Friday night as well.

So we are standing out in the front of the hotel in our jammies and me in a fleece jacket in ninety degree weather and this cute guy in his mid-twenties comes across the street and asks to take our picture.  We have had a bottle of wine, so we laugh and agree and then he hugs us both and goes back across the street. 

Wonder what the caption for that picture would say?

Mandisa!  Amazing!  Did not think I would enjoy her music, though I did think she had amazing talent on American Idol, but I more than enjoyed her...I loved her!  She told the story about Simon Cowell and her idol experience, filling in some small not known to me details.  Mandisa had wanted to audition for AI for years but her fear of Simon ridiculing her for her weight held her back.  She admits to being a food addict due to child molestation and being raped as a teen, but she has recently lost about 80 pounds and is still working on it.  Finally, she talked herself into auditioning despite her fear of Simon and after her audition, Simon praised her; told her she had a beautiful face and voice and she was all he'd hoped she'd be when she walked in the room.  Not one comment about her weight and she was over the moon.

Fast forward to the premier of the show that season and Mandisa had organized a party of her friends as the season premier just happened to be her city.  So there she was amongst all her friends when Simon praised her...and does anyone remember what he said AFTER she left the room?

"We're going to need a bigger stage."

Mandisa heard that behind her back comment for the first time, along with her friends...and millions of viewers.

Now do you remember what happened next?  The next time Mandisa came face to face with Simon, she bravely and honestly told him that she knew what he'd said about her and as Jesus had forgiven her sins, that she, in turn, forgave Simon for what he'd said.  Simon stated he was humbled and that he felt about two inches high but for Mandisa the best part was that they aired the entire confrontation, including the name of Jesus on National television.

Itching, nose picking and stretching.

Now this is probably mean, especially considering it was from two girls who had just come from a Christian women's conference, but I am a sinner and thankfully forgiven and I'm sorry but it was really funny.  We were riding the metro home and we have about 12-ish stops between our starting and ending point.  About halfway through, this girl got on the metro in a not very nice blue shirt and a pair of plaid shorts.  She carried a backpack, wore hiking books and her hair was braided down her back.  She immediately pulled out a book that I could not see the title of and began to read
(I always love knowing what people are reading).  My first impression was that maybe she had been hiking in DC or something.  But after a few stops, Shell called my attention to the fact that this girl would read for a few seconds and then scratch something....her hair, her nose, her leg, her arm, her face, something.  Not scratch it hard, but more like it was a minor irritation.  BUT IT WAS Continuous.  Shell and I were so amused we started counting the number of times she was scratching.  Somewhere near the number of 50, her finger shot up her nose to dig around and we almost killed ourselves giggling.  Somewhere in the midst of this a young couple sitting across from Miss Itchy, caught onto what was going on and they were amused.  Suddenly Miss Itch got up and it seemed she was going to move back a row as it had just become empty.  Well, she sort of stretched out on the floor as the train is moving, with her hands on the seat, her legs stretched out and her rear end up in the air, pretty much in the face of cute couple guy.  There were now four of us on the train trying to contain laughter.  Sometimes Miss Itch would do a combination move....like lightly scratch chin, nose, run hand through hair to itch back of head and of course, this counted as three itches in our tally.  When we got off the train, in a matter of 5 stops, she had itched 105 times.  Yeah, okay, she may have had a real problem like a nervous tick, but it certainly caused our train ride to fly by and besides, God gave me my sense of humor!

The rest of the conference was great and Shell and I are all signed up for next year.  It is so spiritually uplifting and honestly, I so rarely get that kind of uplift from church.  These speakers know how to grab you, make you laugh, make you cry and know how to make the gospel alive for us TODAY.  They tell personal stories that demonstrates what God is doing in their lives, through both the good and the bad and it is all just so good.  I wish most pastors would meet with these gals for tips on sermons and delivery.  They know how to keep it relevant and it is amazing. 

I just always feel so reminded when I leave there of how loved I am, of how the God of the universe loves me right where I am all the time.  I felt so filled from the weekend that today when we took the boat out for Aaron's birthday with most of the youth kids, as I sat there in the front of the boat, looking at the green trees, the blue sky, the cliffs along the side and the reflection it all made in the water, I leaned my head back and just said "Thank you, God."

He is so amazing.

Blissfully lovely day

First off, Friday Night Lights has been a blast so far.  Last night we had not only Tod and Robyn from the 1st week but Lisa and Phil as well.  There were veggie munchies and S'mores and lots of conversation and laughs.  If you are bored one of the remaining nights in May, stop over anytime after 7:30!

Today was a girl's day out with Robyn, Lisa and Kelly, so we went into Shepherdstown and had lunch at Kazu Thai and Japanese Cuisine.  I, of course, had sushi and some edamane, which I also adore.  Then we did a little window and not window shopping.  I picked up some crytal deodorant that Lisa had been using for two years, as well as a few sticks of Burt's Bees lip stuff.  Kelly had recently discovered that chap stick and the like had alcohol and all other sorts of crap that dries out your lips which is why I am unable to be without it, ever and have been that way for years!  So the natural stuff will hopefully remedy the problem.  Also grabbed some scone mix, which does not comply with my no-carbs thing. 

We then went to a nursery so Lisa and Kelly could purchase some flowers for their gardens.  I can't plant yet with leaving for England in just over two weeks and I don't want to leave poor Robyn to try to grow a garden on her own, so we'll be doing some late planting in July. 

Then back to Kelly's just for some chat time (not that we hadn't talked all day, but you girls know how it is).  Very pleasant day with excellent company!

I am looking forward to my hair and nail appointment on Tuesday!  I'm anxious to hack off the hair and my nails are looking a little crappy. 

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

The Saga a Spar-Kay

This may be short because I am in the middle of a dumping syndrome kind of thing from the four bites of dinner I ate and didn't chew well enough, so I'm feeling crappy!  This is the only side effect of RNY I hate but thankfully it rarely happens to me.

So, got up at 5:30 this morning to head to my hospital to the Wound Care Center to take care of "the hole" as my hair stylist called it.  They cleaned it up and the doctor removed the loose suture that was in there.  He felt that was what was causing the tissue to not grow back together.  They gave me this stuff that looks like hard cotton but is really some kind of medicine to wet and then stick over Spar-Kay, and then put a waterproof bandage over it.  One of the nurses dressed it, I made a final appt for next week, and I was on my way.

Got to work early and had to pee, so I went into the bathroom.  After taking care of business, I realized the goofball nurse had bandaged the wrong thing!  I have a tiny healed incision right about Spar-Kay and she bandaged that!  Thankfully, they gave me materials to take home, so I dressed the right wound.  Sheeh.  Tiny healed incision.  Much bigger HOLE in my stomach.  Which should I bandage?

Went to Frederick today with Kelly and met up with Robyn was a delicious lunch at Danielle's, which left me stuffed and I did not eat the rest of the day other than the four bites of disastrous chicken.  Then we went Goodwill (second hand store of those of you who may not know.  I know the Salvation Army is all over the USA, but is Goodwill?  Basically, they are the same thing.) shopping.  I love second hand clothes.  I love a good deal.  I got like 6 summer shirts, a sweater I could not resist as it was big and cozy, a pair of capris, three belts and a book for $23.  My kind of shopping!  We are considering picking a town a month and checking out their second hand stores! 

From there it was home for an hour to start laundry, vacuum and complete dinner and then head to kickboxing.  From there, I left for Praise Band rehearsal and then home to blog, pack a lunch and go to bed!

I'm behind on my blog reading so forgive me.  I'll catch up soon!

Silver Lining on a Grey Day

Every have one of those days that though it is not actually bad, it just stinks?  Like it's a weekend and you're bored out of your tree and there is nothing to do, and you have a sick kid, so you are stuck at home doing laundry and waiting on people?  Or is that just me today?

Anyway, Saturday was one of those days.  Ugly outside, people sick or cranky inside.  I was bored and just kind of pacing from one room to another looking for something to occupy myself so I wouldn't boredom eat.  Hard to clean with people home in front of a television and all.  So, I grabbed a jacket and my ipod and headed out the door for the mile walk around the park...and dang it was cold!  And it started snowing when I was halfway around the park which is even more depressing considering it was nearly 70 degrees last Monday (Have I mentioned how I hate this time of you?  Have I mentioned that I have spring fever in the worst way and it is only mid-February?  I swear when warm weather hits, I am never staying inside again!).  But I finished my walk, came home, started defrosting soup for dinner and started a pot of coffee before checking my email.

Now ya'll know I have a facebook addiction, so when I checked my email, I had a new message from Gina, one of my friends I grew up with in California.  Gina has a way better memory than I do and she recalled something from the 4th grade.  In 4th grade, we had a teacher that I remember being rather afraid of most of the time, though she never did anything to me personally.  It was the seventies and private Lutheran school, so kids who didn't do homework, got the ruler across their tail end by Miss W.  She was probably the most strict teacher I've ever had.  Anyway, Gina's message said the following:

"Okay, major flashback. I saw Miss W smile once. She told a fable about a woman who could choose between two gifts.  One was a big box and it was beautifully wrapped and the other was a tiny box. She chose the big box and it was a vacuum or something lame like that and missed out on the little diamond ring in the little box. So, she was VERY disappointed with the gift. Miss W. asked the class what's the moral of the story?  Good things come in small packages, right? No, you raised your hand and said, "Don't give a woman work!"  It was very funny, even in 4th grade."

So far (it is Saturday now though you all won't read this till Sunday because we are going on a mini overnight adventure tomorrow and I wanted to get my blogging done) it has been the highlight of Valentine's Day.