Do We Ever Really Gain Wisdom?

Part of health is mental and trying to figure out the right things to do.  I often second guess myself when it comes to matters of the heart, even when the situation at best, seems toxic.

I had this friend in high school; well, middle school actually.  She wasn't popular, so when I moved here from California in the 8th grade, she took to me pretty quick (at least this is how it is in my memory; it was a long time ago) and I latched on pretty fast too, being the new kid and all.  She was a little different from other people I had met before and not very well liked, but I liked her well enough and she introduced me to the handful of friends she had and I liked them too. 

And so it began; a friendship that started out well enough.  We spent hours on the phone, we wrote stories together, she introduced me to makeup and to Christ, by taking me to my first Christian concert.  We sang in the youth choir together and we walked back and forth across town to each other's homes.  Despite her oddities in some things, we talked all the time and I enjoyed her friendship. 

High school started and I was no longer the new girl and I discovered drama club, which led me to new friends.  I was friends with this girl and with my other friends as well, but things started to change a little bit.  By our junior year, she had said mean things about me behind my back and had kissed the boy I had a huge crush on (purely for shock value because they weren't really friends or dating or any of that) right in front of me.  Then she acted as if she had no idea why I was upset.  It was almost like she wanted to erode our friendship. 

Did I talk about her behind her back?  Probably.  We were teenagers, but of course, it is always easier to remember the wrongs that were done to us than to remember the wrongs we caused.  So, no I can't remember any specifics of things I may have said or done, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. 

By senior year, we were barely speaking and then she gave me a note, saying she was sorry and asking for another chance to be friends.  Tentatively, I agreed and two days later, she was speaking badly of me again to a mutual friend, who told me what she said.  I ended things for the last time; I destroyed everything she had ever given me and moved on with my life.

Yet through church, our paths continue to cross and it runs hot and cold.  She helped me fold tablecloths once and the next Sunday jumped all over my oldest son for an accident involving he and her daughter (they both knocked each other over in Sunday school).  When a wedding at the church left the cupboards in her Sunday school room a mess, she approached me asking if it was my kids and I shot back at her that no, my kids go to school.  These kinds of little exchanges are the norm for us; one moment it is friendly, the next ugly.  We are both defensive.

But four months ago, her father died after a battle with cancer.  The funeral was at the church and I attended and helped in the kitchen for the meal afterward.  Then four months to the day of her father's death, her mother died, two weeks after a cancer diagnosis and today was the funeral.  Again, I attended and helped downstairs and she stopped and thanked me and we spoke briefly.

My head tells me that this is where this relationship should stay; that once friends, we should simply be reduced to occasional pleasantries.  But something else inside of me wonders why there cannot be a chance for a friendship.  It's always been hard for me to let go, especially of situations where I don't understand why they ended up where they did.  My heart goes out to her right now with the loss of both parents so close together, so maybe that is where this feeling of melancholy comes from.  I just don't know the answers.  It also struck me today that there were no people there her age, like friends.  Most were elderly people who were probably friends of her parents, with myself and two others from high school.  I'm also not sure in the 26 years I have known her that I have ever seen her cry.  It's like she has closed herself off. 

So what to do?  Tell her how I feel and risk possible ridicule or even worse, getting back on the roller coaster that was our friendship?  Or let bygones be bygones and leave it alone?