The Angel

So not too long after The Brit and I got married, my mother went shopping in Lancaster, PA and she brought me home this beautiful ceramic angel.  I am very angel particular.  They have to have pretty faces as no one likes a pissed off angel; they just have to look "angelic".  This one did and she was pretty big; about 8 or 9 inches high, kneeling, hands raised, dark hair, long blue skirt and white blouse.  She is one of the prettiest angels I have ever seen.

She came to my house in a box and when we opened her, we sadly discovered a broken wing.  It had broken clean off, but The Brit was certain he could fix it and he did.  As the wing attached in the back, looking at her one could not see any evidence of the breakage.  

I kept her safely on a shelf at the desk, up high where the cats could not knock her down and she resided there for several years until one night, someone knocked the desk and caused her to fall from the shelf and break into several pieces.  Worried at first that she was not fixable, I was thrilled when The Brit once again pieced her together, minus a spot here and there where holes remained, those remnants broken into pieces too tiny to repair.  

These days, at quick glance, the angel appears perfect; a striking image of the perfection God would have made her were she real.  She is kept in a lower but still safe place and it is only at closer inspection you can see her battle scars; a missing piece here, a rather large hole in the back.  Still beautiful but far from perfect.

How like us she is!  For some reason the saga of my angel was on my heart the other day even though it has been probably three years since her last accident.  But she is like us.  From the outside we can appear to have it all together, to even be somewhat perfect, but only once you really start to see inside of someone can you see their "holes"; their scars that life has dealt them.  Sometimes you have to look very closely because many of us keep our imperfections, our hurts,  our betrayals well hidden.  But often it is worth the time to look and to try to understand.

What is wonderful is that like the angel, who was created by a master craftsman somewhere, we have also been created by a Master Craftsman who sees all our holes and loves us not just despite them but because of them.  In His eyes, we are perfect and precious and loved, despite our faults.

Just sayin'.

 

Keeping It Real

So they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem so I am going to put a little faith into that and hope to an extent it holds true.

I have been struggling with some weight regain.

There.  I said it.  Since my lowest and relatively comfortable weight for me, of 209, I have gained about 28 pounds...most of it since starting back to work full time.  I know that carbs are my problem and I am still wrestling with what to do about it, but I know I have to do something.


There is something called "The 5 Day Pouch Test" that has existed in the WLS surgery community for some time as carbs tend to be a post op problem after a few years.  Here is what I read about it last night:


Slurry food, more commonly described as slider food ,is a watery liquid food solution of simple processed carbohydrates containing scant nutritional value. The substance usually comes from crackers, pretzels, cracker snacks, popcorn, cheese snacks, potato chips or tortilla chips, or sugar-free cookies, cakes, and candy. The foods are chewed and washed down with liquids into the surgical stomach pouch where the gastric muscles churn them into slurry which slips directly into the intestine to be quickly processed and stored as body fat. Patients of all bariatric weight loss procedures including gastric bypass, adjustable gastric banding (lap-band), and gastric sleeve, are prone to weight gain if copious amounts of slurry food are consumed.

After surgery many bariatric patients find the restrictive feeling following eating to be uncomfortable, yet it is the very nature of the surgical gastric pouch to cause a tight restricted feeling after a small amount of solid food has been consumed. This signals the patient to stop eating. Uncomfortable with this restricted feeling, many patients turn to softer processed simple carbohydrates or junk food that can be washed down with liquids creating slurry. The uncomfortable restricted feeling never occurs and patients can eat unmeasured portions without feeling discomfort. Soon the weight loss they were enjoying has stopped and weight regain begins.

In a malabsorptive procedure the pouch is made and the stoma or outlet is attached to the lower part of the middle intestine called the jejunum. The majority of caloric absorption takes place in the jejunum, so depending upon where your surgeon created the outlet the level of absorption can vary. Skilled surgeons will adjust the length of intestine bypassed according to their patient's projected needs based on dieting history and pre-op psychological screening.
Slider foods slide right through the stoma into the jejunum. My first test of the slider foods was graham crackers and coffee for my after work snack. Now imagine, I could eat a stack of graham crackers and wash it right through the pouch with the coffee and never feel any satiation. What resulted was an easily absorbed slurry that my jejunum sucked up like a sponge - it didn't have to do any work to absorb this simple carbohydrate slurry. Of course, weight gain resulted and I had to give up this little indulgence. Another popular slider food is pretzels. I speak with post-ops all the time who are addicted to pretzels - again, this is a simple carb that your jejunum is very happy to receive and convert to fat. Traditionally dieters are encouraged to eat pretzels or popcorn - fat free and fiber, right? But that doesn't work so well for us. Giving our re-routed bodies these simple carbs is dangerous because our bodies have spent years perfect the art of fat storage - slider foods are to the body a great big lottery win.
 


Many patients will mistakenly blame their surgical stomach pouch thinking it has stretched out or is no longer working correctly. However, patients who return to a diet of lean protein and avoid drinking liquids with meals will quickly discover the uncomfortable pouch restriction still occurs bringing feelings of fullness with small servings of food. Continued compliance with the high protein diet eventually leads to weight loss once again. 

For weight loss surgery patients protein is not always the most comfortable food choice because of the tightness that results following eating. However, for bariatric surgery to work correctly and sustain long-term weight loss and weight maintenance, a high protein diet void of simple processed carbohydrates must be followed consistently.

I am apparently a queen of slurry foods.  I read that and though I knew carbs were my issue the ones described; the crackers, pretzels, popcorn , are my crack.  Well and Twizzlers which I have not had in over a week thankfully.

The 5 Day Pouch test takes you through the food stages we went through following our RNY in five quick days.  In short, it is this:

 
Days One & Two: Liquid Protein
low-carb protein shakes, broth, clear or cream soups, sugar-free gelatin and pudding.
Day 3: Soft Protein
canned fish (tuna or salmon) eggs, fresh soft fish (tilapia, sole, orange roughy. 
Day 4: Firm Protein
ground meat (turkey, beef, chicken, lamb), shellfish, scallops, lobster, fresh salmon or halibut.
Day 5: Solid Protein
white meat poultry, beef steak, pork, lamb, wild game
My biggest concern with this is the first two days and my mood that might accompany that.  Can I work productively while probably feeling irritable?  My other huge problem is my hatred of protein shakes.  I have NEVER found a protein powder that did not make me want to gag.  But I need to.  A majority of WLS patients years out of surgery still have 1-2 protein shakes a day.

I have two other major rules I have broken.  I am again drinking soda, albeit diet soda and I am not obeying the rules of drinking before and after meals.  Essentially, WLS patients should stop drinking 30 minutes before a meal and not drink again until 30 minutes after a meal.  My goal for this week is to resolve the liquids problem.  The pouch test I plan to start a week from tomorrow as The Brit will be away so I don't have to deal with meals other then the simple crap the kids will eat and what I will need  to do.

So what happens after Day 5, you may ask?  It says this:

After the 5 Day Pouch Test is when things get exciting. Having successfully broken a carb-cycle, regained a feeling of control over the surgical gastric pouch and possibly losing a few pounds one is ready for re-entry into a compliant way of eating. This means focusing on protein rich meals, observing the liquid restrictions and avoiding starches, particularly processed carbohydrates and slider foods. Three meals a day should be two-thirds protein, one third healthy carbohydrate in the form of low-glycemic vegetables and fruits. Consumption of whole grains is not forbidden, but should be limited to one serving a day.


If necessary between meal snacks should be protein dense. Natural food protein is great including hard-cooked eggs, lean low-sodium deli meats, and limited servings of nuts or low-fat cheese. In addition, protein bars or beverages may be used for between meal supplementation.

I read about one women who lost 100 pounds by doing the Pouch Test and then staying on Day 6 for the next five months, so getting back on track is far from impossible.  I need to remember why I have done this.  I worked too hard to get the surgery and has a post op to screw it all up now.

So there you go for keeping it real.

 

Adventures in Ambien

I have sleep issues.  I have been popping Tylenol PM for the better part of 20 years and the last several months, my insomnia has increased enough that many nights it was three Tylenol and four Melatonin and still I would find myself wide awake at 2:30 AM.

Many months ago, Michael, my GBC, told me he was on Ambien and he loved it.  Said he slept like a baby.  I considered it but dismissed any thought of pursuing it.  Now working full time again, lack of sleep is a big deal, especially since it happens to me a lot.  T, who I work with also told me she was on Ambien and having grown weary of feeling so tired all the time, I finally saw my doctor last week to ask about a prescription, which she gave to me.

That night, I got the best night's sleep I have had in months!  I  was surprised by how quickly it worked though!  Tylenol PM, I took an hour before bed in order to feel a little sleepy by the time it was light's out.  Ambien takes about 15 minutes to hit full force.  In 15 minutes, I can no longer read the words on my Kindle and have to sleep.

The third night on the drug was following a busy day.  We went to the lake on Saturday and had a full day boating and swimming.  We left late to come home and did not arrive back at the house till 10:30 PM.  After getting the kids up to bed, I took the Ambien and then putzed around downstairs for about ten minutes; putting away some of the stuff from the lake and tidying up.  Went upstairs and took out my contacts and washed my face.

Then it all gets fuzzy.  The Brit reports that I sat on his side of the bed and tried to put on my pajamas for ten minutes, all the while talking about the people on the love seat in our room who were laughing at me.  I went on to insist that I did not want the kids in the room while I was changing.  No recollection on my part at all.

Sunday night was uneventful, though The Brit remarked when I came up to bed that he was ready for tonight's show.   Then last night, I got into bed with the intention of reading my Kindle until I went to sleep.  Apparently, I fell asleep with the Kindle and my glasses down around my face and when The Brit woke me up to tell me to put the Kindle away and go to bed, I argued like a child about not wanting to, held a full conversation with the Couch People and told The Brit where on my body I hid my dollar bills.

It has been an interesting ride so far but damn, I am sleeping well!

The Genius turned 16 today and per his request, he got a Kindle.  At least I have one reader out of the two!

Take Time for a Do Over

 Laura posted this last year and only read it if you don't mind some tears, have tissues handy and own a dog.  I use the latter not because I think that people who don't have dogs won't get it, but because though I read it last year and it made me feel undeniably sad, I don't think it brought me to tears.  As an animal lover, I hate any and all animal injustice and believe me, I see plenty of injustices every day.  I said that because I read Laura's repost of  it tonight and cried like an idiot because now I have a dog to associate this with.  Like putting a face with a name.  I look at my Rhys and know that was his situation and would have been his situation in the end had we or someone else not fallen in love with him.  His last family gave him up because a baby was on the way.  So Rhys was the first baby but in his case, being a canine made him a throw away to these people.  And despite the fact that their ignorance was my gain, it still makes me angry when I think of the situation through the eyes of my dog.

And I see dozens of stories like his and worse every week.  Too many unwanted animals and not enough homes; not enough people to take a chance on a do-over dog but instead go to pet shops and breeders so they can start fresh with a puppy.  It isn't that I have anything against reputable breeders (and many of them are not reputable so do your homework if you are going to go this route) and the people who chose to use them, but most people do not see what I see.  They don't see the little Yorkie whose owner had landlord issues, trembling in the back of a kennel because he is terrified of all the barking and so confused as to what happened to life as he knew it.  They don't see the Chow and the Border Collie who have grown up together but due to the current economy, their owner had to give them up and due to the economy, the shelter will probably have to separate them in order to get each one adopted out.  They don't see the eager, hopeful year old pup who rushes to the front of her kennel for every person, desperate for affection and attention, or the three year old mixed breed, who passed his assessment with flying colors but two weeks later, the stress of shelter life causes him to snap and he is led from his kennel, no longer adoptable.  

These are the sad stories of shelter life.  Yes, there are happy stories too, like the purebred who went to his new home this week and as I watched him greet his new family, I teared up; both because he had been saved and also because so many others are not.

I say these things because I want people to understand my passion and for every one abandoned dog, there are five cats with the same story.  No kitten should ever have to begin and end their life in a shelter, yet it happens every day to dozens.  There will never be enough people to adopt them all, especially when so many refuse to spay and neuter.  But for every one person willing to take a chance on a shelter animal, it is one less sad story shelters everywhere have to endure.  We are all there for the love of the animals and with faith and hope that our educating the public will make a difference even to one animal.

 These faces are the reality of too many animals and too many shelter employees and volunteers.  We fight for them every day and for every person who takes a chance on an animal who desperately needs that chance, we add one more person or family to those more than willing to educate others to the joy their do over pet has brought to them.  

In many cases, we have to wonder who really rescued who.

Another Trip Around the Sun

Yesterday was my 45th birthday and it was a fantabulous day.  Unlike some, I do not need presents or a big party to make it a great birthday.  In fact, for me, yesterday was about as good as it gets.

I only last week learned that we have something called Shenandoah National Forest pretty much in our backyard.  An hour and twenty minutes from home, it is a one hundred mile drive one way through some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen on the East coast.  Breathtaking views, deer a-plenty and bear sightings as well, it was just awesome.  It was just me, The Brit, the kids and my dog, but it was a damn near perfect day.  The humidity here at home has been rough the last week but in the mountains, the temps dropped to the mid-seventies, so it was windows down, fresh mountain air blowing through the hair and breathing in the smells of nature.  


We drove the whole Skyline Drive, which is 100 miles and that took us to about 4:00.  Well, we had lunch and the boys and I hiked six tenths of a mile down to a waterfall (and then all uphill on the way back but I did it and felt great for the experience).  So at 4:00, we elected that instead of grabbing the highway home, we would just turn around and drive the Skyline Drive back.  As twilight descended, even more wildlife ventured out, and our ride back was full of deer sighting; does and fawns and even some young bucks with velvet still covering their antlers, as well as an additional black bear sighting.


It was beautiful and breathtaking and we are doing it again in two weeks and are also planning a tour in the fall when the leaves are brilliant colors.


Don't give me cities.  My preference is always nature.   Beautiful and peaceful it makes me wonder how anyone can doubt the existence of God (and that is not a call for snarky remarks.  I don't bash anyone else's beliefs, so leave mine the hell alone) when I am watching a sky change colors after a storm or just listening to the sound of waves crashing onto the sand.  It's like the story of the watchmaker.  If you find a beautiful pocket watch on a log in the middle of the woods, you cannot prove that someone made it.  You cannot see the watchmaker, yet you know he exists.  For me, the same is true of creation.  It didn't just "happen".  Someone took the time to design it and in all its glory, it is infinitely glorious.

I'll show you pics when I get then downloaded.  Maybe even tomorrow.
 

The Plan

I have come to the conclusion that I need a plan to not weight 300 plus pounds again.  Though I have not gone up any clothing sizes (yet) things are a bit snug.  The reason?  Working full time and not having the time to go to the gym.  I am walking many nights but compared to the kinds of workouts I was doing before, walking is not cutting it.  The gym at night is rough due to having to feed people and animals and grocery shopping and church.  There is always something in the way.

I had a long chat tonight with an old friend from the old church and she told me she had been hitting the Y at 5:00 am Monday through Friday.  I can do this.  Last summer, I was getting up at 5:00 to run before work, so surely I can get up to hit the Y by 5:00 or 5:30.  Then I can shower there and head to work.  It will require a little more planning but totally doable and probably the very best solution.  The Brit will be getting The Lawyer up for school come August and I can call to walk up The Genius.  He gets himself out the door anyway.  These days I head up to bed by 10:30 anyway and the fact remains that I know working out in the manner my body used to work out, is going to increase my energy anyway.

It has been a difficult adjustment to go back to work full time but I cannot use it as an excuse to gain weight.  I must simply rearrange my life a little to make things work for me.

Why I Love Them

Life at a shelter is often difficult for the employees as well.  Twice in two weeks, one of the kittens I have been loving on has died.  When the first little fur ball passed away, I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest.  T, one of my favorite co-workers, told me that was why she kept her distance from the animals.  I pondered this long and hard and came to the realization that no matter how hard it can be to lose them, to not love them is simply not an option.

How can I not shower them with a little love and a little cuddle when for whatever reason their mamas have vanished and they have placed into a cage surrounded by dozens of other crying kitties?  How  can I not in some small way bring some small comfort to one of God's little furry creations?  No, not getting close is simply not an option for me.

No matter how hard it can be, I am so thankful to be working there.  I love being able to help animals (who I regard in higher standard than most people) in any way.  I find it satisfying and so worthwhile.  Not always easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I found this on Facebook a week or two ago and I wanted to share as I love it.  I think it is true of most animals but especially of dogs:

Dogs Ten Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years - any separation from you will be very painful. 2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being. 4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment...You have your work, your friends, your entertainment... I HAVE ONLY YOU! 5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when you're speaking to me. 6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it. 7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hands but I choose NOT to bite YOU. 8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old and weak. 9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old. 10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember that I love you.