My Ass is Kicked

I think I would blog more if my computer worked properly.  Honestly.  Keys don't work, I have to use the Shift on the left side of the keyboard only because the other one is broken, keys stick...it's amazing really.

BAD WEEKEND.  It didn't start out bad....not completely though I think life was giving me warnings on Friday when little shit was going wrong.  I had a sleep over on Friday night with some of my dearest friends in the world and had an amazing time.  The Brit was taking the Red Eye home from San Francisco and the kids were at grandma's for the night.  We had four bottles of wine, played games, laughed a lot and went to bed very late.

Woke up Saturday to finding out that The Genius had gotten up in the middle of the night at grandma's and took her car for a spin.  He doesn't have a license and has not yet done driver's education because we won't let him until he becomes motivated enough to get a job.  He drove from Clear Spring to McDonalds and then to Williamsport.  When heading back to grandma's house he was pulled over by the police and will have to go to court. I guess as he was in the grandparent's care and their car, the police called them and left us a voice mail at home, where no one was, so we did not know about it until 10:00 Saturday morning...which bothers me a little bit.  

After talking to a therapist through my EAP, I went out, picked him up and took him to the hospital for an evaluation.  They asked him a million questions.  He was pretty emotional, not suicidal and very shaken up.  Said he had never been so scared as he was when he was pulled over.  He and I actually had a really good conversation. I figured it was of little use to be yelling; he only shuts down.  He always has.  I learned some thinks through the therapist's questions that I had never known before- such as that his bio-dad used to smack around his bio-mom.  He remembers that, but very little else about his childhood.  

The therapist and I talked privately and she was wonderful.  She had seen many other adopted kids like The Genius and was knowledgeable about them.  She recommended a therapist and when I explained his last therapist she shook her head and said "He doesn't need a buddy-he needs an aggressive therapist."  She also wants a meds re-evaluation.  She said she would have diagnosed him that day on depressive something or other but I forget the term she used.  She said that some things that can help these kinds of kids are over-praising what he does right, hugging often etc.  She told me without my having to tell her that she knew I barely knew this kid because he is a closed book and she knew my stress levels with him were through the rough, but she said lots of hugging, even if I don't feel it.  That's a hard one for me, because I am not overly huggy anyway, but I am trying.  We have had several good conversations since yesterday which feels like a good start if I can keep him talking.  Per the therapist, he is not longer allowed to answer questions we ask him with "yes, no, I don't know or fine."  She said he had lots of stuff deep down in his gut that need to come out and she is hoping with a good therapist, in six months time, we will see a difference in him.  

But it has been stressful at my house.  The Brit is still not speaking to him which is frustrating and fruitless in my opinion.   I know we all get upset with him as he pulls some stunts and he always has, but I still think we have to work through it all together.  Being a mom, this scared me too as no matter how not close I have felt to this child, I still hope that one day he can live a normal life.  If he can't, I at least want to know I have done all I could for him.  He has always had issues and has always been closed off and so far, no therapist has been able to reach him.  I am hoping that one with a reputation for being aggressive might be able to do just that.  

So long weekend....

There may be another interesting story in the next day or two that has nothing to do with my kids...will keep you posted.

Recovery is a Process

So pink eye or as the doctor said "viral conjunctivitis" takes a long time to heal when your doctor sucks.  Thus was my experience with The Bergman Eye Center.  The doctor told me even after a second visit that it just had to run its course.  After nine days of not being able to read, drive or watch television, missing two days of work and popping pain killers for the agony that had become my eyes which looked like they were bleeding, I consulted my regular eye doc (my PCP had set up the specialist appointment with Bergman).  My eye doc was appalled at the treatment I had received and promptly prescribed me three medications that had me improving in 12 hours.  Almost three weeks later, my eyes are still not completely back to normal, but I have been able to resume normal activities.  

Food-wise I am doing better.  I am in the process of setting new rules for myself such as:
1) No fast food-cannot believe I fell back into this at all.  It was not severe but it was bad enough to remind myself that I know better.
2) No soda.  One cup of coffee, then water or tea.  Period.  No diet soda either.  Too much sodium and I have read some scary things about diet soda.
3) Exercise is a must.  

I  have lost eight pounds in the last two weeks.  I can handle that.  I am a dieting expert but now it is time to become a food expert.  I know what is bad for me and bad is okay now and then, but only now and then.   The fact remains that I feel so much better when I eat well.  When I eat crap, I feel like crap and every time I feel like crap I am reminded of that fact.  Wish I could bottle the horrible feeling unhealthy food gives me and take a tiny sip of it when I am tempted to not eat well.  It would make my life so much easier.  

Okay, going to try to blog much more regularly now that I can see again!

 

Pink Eye and Weight Gain and Sinuses...Oh My!

Life has been rough since August 12th.  Started with a sinus infection which has gone on forever despite antibiotics.  Now I have spent the holiday weekend with bilateral pink eye, which has been bangin'. They look slightly better now than they did this morning so i am hoping the eye antibiotics are working.

So here I am again, trying to turn over a new leaf.  I could probably not even step up the exercise (though it would not hurt) if I turned down the food.  Every day starts out with the best of intentions, but then something gets stressful or there is a better lunch offer on the table than what I have brown bagged, and it all goes to hell.  

Obviously, control with food has always been an issue in my life and WLS did not fix it.  I am far from gaining everything back I lost but I also know if I don't get things back in order, it could only be a matter of time.  I'm in an exercise rut as well; still kickboxing once a week and walking a few nights a week but I need to switch up the walking route I think.  I have read that the body gets accustomed to one routine and it no longer reacts the way we want it to.  It's just easier to keep walking the same route.

Nighttime snacking is another issue, so issues I got!  Carbs have always been the issue.  Oddly enough, I love fresh fruits and veggies but prepackaged carbs are easier.  Do we see a theme here?  

Working full time has given me an issue the last year and a half.  I am tired when I get off work and morning workouts are not really an option due to kids, school and well, I am not a morning person.  The flip side of this, of course is that getting my weight back down will make me feel better in all aspects.

The other battle I face is living with all males who eat all the freakin' time. An hour after dinner, they are back in the fridge and then a half hour after that, etc.  The good news is that usually they are watching male stuff on television so I go upstairs.  What I need to change is that when I go upstairs I need to get on the treadmill and watch something interesting.  It is easy (there is that word again) to fall into the patterns of those around you, whether it be at home or at work.  I work with many people who are not healthy eaters, several who get fast food several times a week, one who does not eat properly as in she doesn't eat enough (for lunch she drinks a bottle of water if she is hungry).  I can easily fall into the fast food pattern and have on too many occasions lately.  

Now the good news is that every day is a new start.  Tomorrow it begins again.  I know how to play by the rules and need to go back to not doing what is easy.

Easy needs to no longer exist in my health world. 

Nag, Nag, nag

Jimnotmike and Tod have been griping at me about lack of blogging.  I think about blogging a lot.  It is just a time thing and a trying to get my thoughts together thing.  I do know that I am far more accountable about things when I am blogging and that reason alone should be enough of a reason to get on it again.  

I am still working on getting back on target with exercise and eating.  Eating has been improving but exercise not so much.  I have been walking Rhys a few nights a week but Michael had a temporary schedule change at the Y so I have not been to kickboxing in about three weeks.  He should be back this week thankfully but really, that is no excuse for not getting to the gym.  I have also had the joy of being diagnosed with arthritis in my left knee and I think it is also in my left hip.  This has been a bit problematic but I am trying to work around it.  Getting more weight off will help with the knee undoubtedly.

A Facebook friend directed me to this:


This is called Fitbit and in reading about it, it not only sounds cool but the reviews on it are mostly very positive.  To steal from the Amazon description for those of you who are interested:

Track All Day Activity

Using a 3-D motion sensor, Fitbit Ultra tracks all the details about your daily activity that conventional pedometers would miss. When worn close to the body, this device tracks daily steps, number of stairs climbed, distance traveled, calories burned, and overall intensity of the activity level. Fitbit Ultra also contains an altimeter to track stairs or hills climbed. The compact design of the Tracker makes it easy to wear tucked into your pocket, clipped to a belt or bra all day.

Track Your Sleep

You can also wear the Tracker at night with the included Fitbit wristband to monitor how long and how well you sleep. Fitbit Ultra will monitor when you fall asleep and how many times you woke up throughout the night to provide a sleep efficiency index.

Achieve Real Results With Fitbit

Fitbit Ultra can help you reach your exercise, diet and overall wellness goals. In fact, Fitbit users increase their daily steps by 43 percent and have lost an average of 13 pounds.*

Wirelessly Uploads Data to Fitbit.com

To help you gauge your progress, Fitbit Ultra wirelessly uploads your fitness data to Fitbit.com automatically whenever you're within 15 feet of your computer--no need to take time out of your busy day to enter stats.

Track Your Fitness Trends and Goals Online

At Fitbit.com, you'll enjoy free online tools that show how your activity measures up over time and keep you motivated, with no monthly fee required. Your dashboard quickly shows you how close you are to achieving your weekly goals on calories burned, steps taken, and other fitness goals.
Fitbit makes fitness fun by translating your real accomplishments into real life examples. For instance, tracking that you've climbed 22 floors is the same as climbing to the top of the Statue of Liberty. To keep you motivated, you can earn badges for daily and lifetime fitness activities.

Social and Community Tools For Encouragement

Invite friends through email or through Facebook to connect on Fitbit.com to build a fitness network. Set collaborative or competitive challenges together, or tap into the growing Fitbit.com community to access tips and receive encouragement. With Fitbit, it's like working out with a group of virtual friends every day.

Log Food and Workouts

You can build a complete picture of your overall fitness by logging foods and workouts. The Fitbit database has over a 100,000 specific food items for you to select from. Enter workout specifics from yoga, Pilates, elliptical workouts, boot camp, spinning, kickboxing, and even Wii games from the workout database. Fitbit's Food Goal feature shows you the range of calories you should stick to every day to reach your weight loss goals, and dynamically adjusts based on your day's activities. You can also track your weight and other health indicators like blood pressure, glucose, and heart rate.

And that is only a part of the stuff it does.  There is an app for my phone with it as well.  If The Brit gets it for me for my birthday, I will report back on how it performs.  I have always been enthralled by the BodyBugg they use on The Biggest Loser but that bad boy runs at least $150.00.  FitBit seems to do the same stuff for a lesser price and the website to use is free...not sure about the website for the Bugg. 

I will try to be more regular around here!  Also wanted to again change the blog name but have not figured out how to do it!

Oh and I am again between churches.  Taking a break from Christians for awhile....

Manic Monday does not begin to describe it

Today was insane!

Let me set the scene...I am currently working two jobs.  My old job of Admin Assistant kept me busy nearly every single day the past year for eight hours a day.  Plus, our Events Coordinator, who was almost my work husband before I decided it just would not work out, uses me all the time to do his work.  So when I was just an Admin Assist, it was fine because I would have just enough spare time to help him design posters or whatever else he needed done.  Now, I am the Volunteer Coordinator, a position that has been empty for a few months so I have 165 applicants that need to be interviewed, they need to have an orientation and they need three training classes....all of which are my responsibility and I have never done any of it before.  Oh and I am self training really as my boss has never run the volunteer program.   They have not yet posted my old position (and I will need to train that person) so I have two full time jobs right now and one paycheck.  Though the paycheck is not the problem; the problem is being insanely busy, trying to keep up with my old job and trying in the midst of that to learn my new job.  

So this morning, the Events guy, my ex almost work husband, starts slamming me with things he needs...stupid things which are not my job.  Then he needed help with the stamp machine, then he wanted me to work one of his events which is not my job and I ignored that email.

Then the high school called with my son in the office.  See, he (The Genius) has broken up with his girlfriend because he decided he might be bi-sexual.   Then Friday night, she called him despite the fact that a week ago her parents told The Genius that they would call the police if HE called HER again.  So she cries to him that she still loves him and misses him and then he puts her on Mute to talk to me and she hangs up on him.  He calls her back and she has her father answer the phone to tell The Genius that she is "Done" and he is not to call her again.  WTF?

So today, he was in his class with one of her friends, who passed him a note asking what had happened between them and The Genius proceeds to write the girl a two page note talking about how crazy his ex was and how she had been committed to an institution for help a few years ago, etc.  Though he was in no trouble, I was furious with him beings he and I had sat up Friday night and I had told him he needed to leave her alone completely.  Basically the principal told them both to stay away from each other, but I am still waiting for the police to show up at the door.  I am so done with teenage romance.

Now in good news...I RAN yesterday!  First time in a year and it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  On top of a run, I also had a walk with MyTod so it was a double day.   Every day is a struggle for me still with weight.  I don't think that is ever going to go away.  It's so hard.  But I am doing the best I can, some days better than others, but always trying to be conscious about it.  

Here's to winning the battle one day and to tomorrow being a better day!

Weight Struggles

Time for my quarterly post!

No, seriously, I really want to try to get back here more often.  I am starting to miss it and I think after the blog blowup at the old church, the idea of blogging left a bad taste in my mouth for a long time.  We always remember the bad stuff, don't we?  

So I am still struggling.  Have not been on the scales due to fear.  Still wearing a now snug size 18 pants and so do not want to switch sizes.  I still have a plastic bin full of size 14s that I had goals of wearing one day and I still cannot bring myself to get rid of them.  I am able to hit the gym about twice a week and I manage to walk twice a week in the evenings or weekend afternoons.  And I still snack all the freaking time.  Pretzels, animal crackers, sometimes those chewy sugary goodness called orange slices or swedish fish.  Chocolate?  Not so much.  On rare occasion if I really want to feel lousy afterward.  

Every single day I think about getting the extra pounds off.  Mostly it is a carb downfall.  Bread, how I love you!  Pasta is an easy pack and go lunch.  I have almost forgotten how I used to eat but I think part of the problem is that is that since my surgery I have never learned how to eat on a full time work basis.  When I was part time at the church from hell, I had a plan.  I had a snack after two hours and two hours later, was off work and hitting the gym.  Came home, had something light and was good until dinner.  Now, I have five hours from the time I start work until I take lunch and  will nibble things in that time.  Then there is lunch where I try to take some leftovers from home with the exception of Fridays when Teressa and I always split a small pizza.  Breakfast on a good day is either some Kashi cereal with soy milk or oatmeal.  On a bad day, it is bagel and low fat cream cheese from Panera, which of course, is all carb and doesn't stick with me long.  

Do I still get full?  Yes, uncomfortably so.  But I am often convinced that the food tastes too good to stop eating.  Gotta finish the whole thing.  

I need to get a plan back in action.  My muffin top is becoming a cake top and it has to go.  My energy is not where it used to be, I don't feel as good as I used to and I have been battling a cold for three weeks, where when I weighed less, it was rare for me to get sick.  

So let's talk!  What works?  What snacks are satisfying and still healthy?  Anyone else doing battle?  I am resolving to buy no animal crackers or pretzels tomorrow at the store.  But I will need to substitute it with something.  I know I can get this weight back off if I can come up with a plan.  I had a great taste of what health was like and I crave getting back there!

In other news, I have gotten a promotion at work to Volunteer Coordinator, but am currently trying to learn that job while still doing my old job until I am replaced.   My oldest son has decided he is bisexual.  My youngest is in middle school, which is a whole 'nother ball game.  My dog is still awesome, I love my job and am anxious for winter to be over.  

Seems that what is standing between me and happiness is a bag of pretzels, some animal crackers and a handful of orange slices.

 

Confessional

I have needed to come clean for quite some time now. Like many people, I often hope that not talking about something will either make it go away or an even better scenario is that I can not talk about, fix it without even mentioning it and then it is like it never happened. But what I am quickly learning is that neither of these options are recipes for success.  

So here it is; raw and real.

I have gained 30 pounds.

You have no idea how horrible and ashamed I feel to write those words.  With people I see day to day I can't hide it.  Weight is always there for all the world to see.  Some of you may have sensed my struggles on Facebook as I hinted at it; at not having time to get to the gym or at eating things I should not be eating.

I can trace it back a year when the problems started for me.  Food has always been a coping mechanism for me as it is for most people who battle it.  When my church life turned upside down, I found myself slowly starting to return to food as a means of dealing with the pain and betrayal.  Then there was the new job and not just the stress that comes with a new job, but going from twenty hours a week to forty.  Suddenly, I was no longer getting off work at 12:30 and heading to the gym before any of the men in my family were even home to know I was missing.  Now it is get off work at 5:00, go home and cook and can we talk about being tired after being at work for nine hours?  I often find that once I am home, it is so hard to find the will to go back out and hit the gym.  Honestly, it barely happens and most evenings, I simply opt for a walk instead.

Now, a walk would probably be fine were I being super careful of my food intake but most days, I am not.  Sitting at a desk all day, I find myself nibbling.  I am trying to do better but it is a daily battle.

After my surgery, I documented everything here, got support and advice and I know it helped me.  I shared what I learned and read about what others were doing.  Now, here I am, barely blogging so probably not many readers still remaining.  The fresh new post-op me, was replaced by just "me" and I have gotten lost somewhere along the way.  Somewhere along the way, I have put aside the things I know are the right things to do.  I have gone back to making excuses and if I don't get my act together, I am going to reach the point of no return where I will be so far off track that getting back on track will be overwhelming.

So, here I am.  Honest.  Scared.  Worried.  Unhappy. Feeling alone in this and trying to turn this ship around.  I don't want to wind up back where I was.  That would make everything I went through; surgery, preparing for it, recovering from it, working so hard to lose 109 pounds, in vain.  I cannot bear the thought of it.  

I hope some of you are still here to share this with me.