Confessional

I have needed to come clean for quite some time now. Like many people, I often hope that not talking about something will either make it go away or an even better scenario is that I can not talk about, fix it without even mentioning it and then it is like it never happened. But what I am quickly learning is that neither of these options are recipes for success.  

So here it is; raw and real.

I have gained 30 pounds.

You have no idea how horrible and ashamed I feel to write those words.  With people I see day to day I can't hide it.  Weight is always there for all the world to see.  Some of you may have sensed my struggles on Facebook as I hinted at it; at not having time to get to the gym or at eating things I should not be eating.

I can trace it back a year when the problems started for me.  Food has always been a coping mechanism for me as it is for most people who battle it.  When my church life turned upside down, I found myself slowly starting to return to food as a means of dealing with the pain and betrayal.  Then there was the new job and not just the stress that comes with a new job, but going from twenty hours a week to forty.  Suddenly, I was no longer getting off work at 12:30 and heading to the gym before any of the men in my family were even home to know I was missing.  Now it is get off work at 5:00, go home and cook and can we talk about being tired after being at work for nine hours?  I often find that once I am home, it is so hard to find the will to go back out and hit the gym.  Honestly, it barely happens and most evenings, I simply opt for a walk instead.

Now, a walk would probably be fine were I being super careful of my food intake but most days, I am not.  Sitting at a desk all day, I find myself nibbling.  I am trying to do better but it is a daily battle.

After my surgery, I documented everything here, got support and advice and I know it helped me.  I shared what I learned and read about what others were doing.  Now, here I am, barely blogging so probably not many readers still remaining.  The fresh new post-op me, was replaced by just "me" and I have gotten lost somewhere along the way.  Somewhere along the way, I have put aside the things I know are the right things to do.  I have gone back to making excuses and if I don't get my act together, I am going to reach the point of no return where I will be so far off track that getting back on track will be overwhelming.

So, here I am.  Honest.  Scared.  Worried.  Unhappy. Feeling alone in this and trying to turn this ship around.  I don't want to wind up back where I was.  That would make everything I went through; surgery, preparing for it, recovering from it, working so hard to lose 109 pounds, in vain.  I cannot bear the thought of it.  

I hope some of you are still here to share this with me.