Sleeping with Bread

I've spent a bit of time taking a good, hard look at my blogging life and I realize that since April, I have been doing myself a bit of a disservice.  Some of you may recall that April was when this blog came under attack by some folks whose opinions differ from mine and though I am not going to rehash that particular episode, the fact remains that I erred on the side of caution since then and I now regret it.

I have always had this insane need for people for like me as I have mentioned once before and in addition to that, I have had this irrational fear of un-invited confrontation.  So when this whole thing blew up, it made me not only angry, but shocked me enough that I began to measure nearly every word I typed just in case someone was reading.  The bottom line was that I was no longer comfortable in my own home, metaphorically speaking.  I felt like I was under scrutiny, especially when some folks elected to draw my blog to the attention of people who would have never known it existed in the first place.

I'm not going to be measuring what I say anymore, especially when it comes down to faith and my relationship with God.  I'm not going to let anyone else decide that what I feel, believe, or think is "wrong" just because we have a difference in opinion. 

Part of the reason this came about is that we have been discussing some things in staff meetings or in Sunday School that have been thought provoking on their own, yet I was worried about discussing them because they also, unfortunately, indirectly relate to events that happened in our church two years ago.  Is that the reason I find these things so thought provoking?  Maybe.  It's hard to say how I would relate to these things had events not happened as they did, but the fact remains that those things did happen and because they did happen, going forward there will always be some topics that will trip my curiousity.  We are forever changed by our life experiences and the exodus is one of the things that shaped who I am today.  And believe it or not, I'm thankful for that on this Sleeping with Bread Monday. 

Despite in the past, having feelings of anger, bitterness and hurt, I would not change who I am right now because of it as that time has allowed amazing things to happen in my faith walk.  Amazing things.  Would it have been better had I gotten to where I am today without the negative connotations that happened almost two years ago?  Absolutely, but that is not how the chips fell.  We are all individuals with free will and no one always uses it positively, no matter how good their intentions.  But we all muddle through, doing the best we can and there but for the grace of God go I. 

It was recently discussed that many people use the phrase "God loves me despite myself."  No.  That isn't right.  God loves me.  Period.  He created me and has continued to shape and mold me to who He wants me to be today and He uses the means to mold me that He sees fit to use and the experiences that God brings me to are sometimes of positive impact and sometimes of negative impact.  Who am I to question how He does it?  All I really know is that I am closer to Him now than I was two years ago.

It's a relationship that is always growing and evolving and for that I am so glad to be baking today in His honor. 

I've got some stuff I want to talk about; some views I want to express.  I'm sorry I've been holding back on them, but I guess I've been a little busy as in this case, I was not the clay for the Potter, but maybe the bread for the Baker.

TGIF

It's been a week.

Last weekend, the Brit was pretty sick or at least, pretty sick for a man.  Bad enough that he didn't go into work on Monday and left early on Tuesday before resuming his normal activities on Wednesday.  My week started with incredible foot pain stemming from a heel spur that flares up from time to time and Monday, I could hardly walk on it.  I made an appointment for my favorite podiatrist, but she was booked up until October, and though I am tough, I'm not sure I could have stomached trying to walk on nails for a month.  The receptionist kindly offered to set me up with a relatively new doctor to the practice and desperate means calls for desperate measures.

The new doc, did all the stuff the normal doc did, but not quite as well, at least in my opinion, but it could have just been me.  The injection in my heel hurt way more than I ever remember it hurting before and the low dye strapping was so loose it was relatively pointless and I left the office $40 poorer and in just as much pain as before, though Tylenol seems to keep it under control.  The flare up probably comes from my summer rebellion of never wearing anything but sandals and by fall, I am paying the price.

The rest of the week was a mad rush of meetings, arguing with my oldest child, dealing with tantrums of my youngest child over his refusal to want to do homework and by
Wednesday, I could feel it happening.  The rough cough and the constant tickle in my throat and I knew I'd be sick just in time for the weekend.  So this morning, sure enough, I felt like the living dead and in getting ready for work, happened to notice that Alex's right paw looked like a kitty catcher's mit, so I had to work a vet trip into the morning as well.  They think she got bitten by something and we are giving her kitty drugs and an anti-inflammatory to reduce the swelling.  If it doesn't improve she is back next week for radiographs.

So, it's Friday, I'm sick, ordering dinner tonight and don't plan on letting anything interfere with my lying around time.   Hope ya'll have a good one!

Never Forget

Six years ago today, the sun was shining.  Today, it rained and it seems appropriate somehow.  Six years ago today, I was unemployed as I had been downsized from my job of 12 years in corporate America hell and the Brit and I were still living in our very cool, historical apartment.  I was still asleep, when the phone rang.

It was the Brit, telling me to turn on the television as one of the guys at work had heard something about a plane accident involving the World Trade Center.  I stumbled from the bed and switched on the tv in the bedroom and images of the north tower of the Trade Center flood the screen.  My eyes, still bleary from sleep, try to take it all in as I stammer to the Brit what it is I am seeing.  Smoke, more than anything.  I ask him again what happened and he tells me it has something to do with a plane. 

Why on earth was a plane flying so low, I wondered and probably even voiced aloud to him.  I think my mind came to the conclusion that the unfortunate pilot must have lost control of the aircraft or something went wrong.  I turned up the volume so the Brit could hear it as well.  The media just kept repeating what I had already known; a plane had hit the tower.

Minutes later, I was certain my eyes were deceiving me film footage showed another plane flying into the south tower. 

"Oh my God!"

The Brit asked what it was and I stammered out that another plane had hit the second tower.  For the first time in the ten or so minutes I had been watching, a coldness settled on my heart and seemed to flow through my body.  Two planes was no accident. 

I can't remember now if I stayed on the phone with the Brit or if we kept calling each other as new information rolled in.  The Pentagon was hit as well.  We were under attack and I was terrified, along with everyone else in America.  I know I was on the phone with him when the first tower collapsed.  I can almost remember my words, as my mind continued to reel with shock.

"The tower just folded in on itself!"

"What do you mean?"

"That's what it looked it...it just collapsed on itself!"

A forth plane in Pennsylvania and the country is in a panic.  But even in the early moments, heroes began to emerge.  That plane was not supposed to go down in a field.  Something had gone wrong with the plan of whoever was behind this.

The morning stretched on.  I got on the computer, desperately trying to make contact with friends.  My mind was telling me that it was possible that the end of the world had come, or that maybe there had been more attacks in more places we didn't know about yet.  I was desperate to make contact with friends who lived far away.  I chatted with Jo, who lived in NY, relief filling me to find out she was all right, but every bit as in shock as I was.  My phone kept ringing; friends, the Brit, family. 

I was afraid to be alone any longer.  I was just plain afraid.  Groceries were on my agenda for the day, so I set out for the store.  Now, I think about how odd that was...how in the face of such a disaster that maybe I was searching for something that felt normal.  That and the fact that I wanted to be around other people.

Walmart was as deserted as I have ever seen it and even there, the televisions continued to broadcast coverage.  I felt numb.  On the way home, the radio station played "God Bless the USA" and I finally cried.

Those were my memories of that day six years ago.  In the days that followed, I couldn't sleep once the Brit left for work and he used to leave for work very early in the morning, like 5:30 or 6:00.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, certain that I was hearing planes flying overhead, certain that any minute, one of them would crash into our house.  I feared the Brit's office building might be a target...my fears were endless.

I don't ever want to forget that day and I NEVER want to become blase about it.  It was the worst thing to ever happen in my lifetime and it forever changed who I was.  It changed my security.

I never want to forget and neither should you.

Sleeping with Bread Monday

I figured that as I am now reading the actual Sleeping with Bread book, I should probably resurrect this for my blog!

For those of your still a bit confused about SWB, I can't give you too much else as I have just started the book but each Monday I do SWB, I'll try to give you a little bit of background as I read.  What I have learned so far is that SWB is a way to describe The Examen.  The Examen is basically this, as quoted from the book:

For many years we have ended each day the same way.  We light a candle, become aware of God's loving presence, and take about five minutes of quiet while we each ask ourselves two questions:

For what moment today am I most grateful?
For what moment today am I least grateful?

I'm still working on fully understanding it myself as I read the book, so stay tuned for more insight in the weeks to come.

But for today, for what moment am I most grateful?

Our prayer group had its second meeting today and I see myself growing to dearly love this group.  We share, we talk, we pray and in those prayers, I find myself not only growing more comfortable with praying aloud, but gathering strength for myself as well as being able to feel God's presence through the group and the prayers.   I am very thankful and grateful for that hour and a half tonight that was intimate, both with God and with the other participants.

For what moment today am I least grateful?

I don't like feeling helpless but there are times when we are just powerless to do anything other than pray.  A teenager is hurting because she has been hurt by a parent and she is rebelling in the best possible way; she wants to go to a different church from her family.  I guess I just feel that there are way worse ways she could be rebelling!  However, though I am privy to this information, I can do very little to offer her advice, simply because I am an adult and it would not look right for me to be in the midst of this.  So, though I am least grateful for the temporary feeling of helplessness and sadness on behalf of this young person, I  can still think of our prayer group, where we raised this person and her family up tonight before I was even aware of the latest struggles.  And because of that, I am simply prompted to keep standing in the gap for this young woman.

I want to end tonight with some song lyrics that speak of standing in the gap and this goes out to this teenager.

 heard that you were hurting
That you were suffering pain
But I didn't dare just turn my head
And look the other way
For when your heart is aching
My heart is aching too
Let me help you bear your burden
That's the least that I can do

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone, somewhere is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

Right now you may be troubled
But everything will work out fine
For the Spirit knows before you speak
What is on your heart and mind
So I'll be interceding
Til your standing strong again
The peace that passes understanding
Is going to be yours, but until then

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone, somewhere is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

So hang on my friend
It won't be long
And you have the strength
To carry on
For when two or three are walking together
It will be a much lighter load
For isn't that what a brother and a sister are for?

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone, somewhere is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

Nanowrimo

So with less than two months to Nanowrimo, I've been making plans.  I know my novel will be in the Christian Fiction genre and my lead characters are slowly evolving.  One of the things that most intrigues me about Nanowrimo is that it is a fly by the seat of your pants approach to writing, which I have always preferred actually.  I've always liked having a rough plot and then allowing the story to lead, which in my past experience, that is precisely what happened. 

I also want my story to be a little bit edgier than most Christian fiction, which basically means that often I can tell with many CCF novels, what is going to happen before it ever happens and that certain situations are either not normally dealt with or are lightly touched upon.  I want something more than that.  I want it to deal with more touchy subject matter, while still keeping things clean with a focus on Christ. 

I waffled last year about doing Nanowrimo and instead opted for Nablopomo, but after successfully blogging everyday last year in the month of November, it is time for the true challenge of my heart; a novel.  Only fear has kept me from writing something for publication before, despite the fact that I have written some decent things in my life and have had teachers tell me I would one day be a writer.  But a combination of fear of rejection and just the magnitude of what it takes to write a book has kept me from trying. 

I read  a lot of Christian Fiction and some of it is wonderful and some of it, I only find mediocre.  I recently read a few books by a very successful CCF author who bases stories on the Amish and where I found the history and the Amish way of life portrayal fascinating, the actual plot left me cold and at times really wrestling with understanding the main character and her motives.  I read many CCF books and know that I can tell a story at least that well.

So, for November (I know it is still two months away) I don't know how much blogging I'll be doing, what with needing to write 50,000 words in thirty days and all.

Wonderful

Isn't it interesting how we can get a reminder the day before we actually need it?

Tonight at dinner, the Brit and I had to pry out of Aaron the reason he suddenly wanted to ride his bike to school (which we immediately decided against, but we knew he had to have a reason other than "Because I want to.").  There is apparently this kid, who has caused numerous bus issues even last year resulting in suspension from the bus off and on, who has been picking on him...both from a personal level and by saying things about us, his parents.  As my stomach twisted into knots at the dinner table, already certain of what was to come, the Brit started talking to Aaron assuming that the kid had said we weren't Aaron's real parents.  No, I knew that wasn't it.

The truth finally came out that the kid had made comments about our weight, which is a little bit interesting as we have never set eyes on this child before and the kid doesn't even use the same bus stop as Aaron. 

It made me angry though and not because the comments were partially about me, but because I dislike bullies so much.  My opinion is that most bullies are simply kids who are bullied themselves either at home or at school and in turn have to bully someone else to feel like a big shot.  I hate it.

So we had the talk about ignoring a bully 100% of the time and if the kid made any threats or did anything physical, then Aaron was to tell the nearest adult and I also emailed the school because the bully was also throwing things at him in one of his classes.  Sorry, that way doesn't work for me.

A week ago, knowing some smart alec kid was making comments about my weight would probably have bothered me if for no other reason because it would drudge up my own not so fond memories of being teased in school by occasional bullies.  But see, yesterday in our staff meeting, one of the things that came up was Psalm 139 where it says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  Wonderfully made.  I am wonderfully made because God created me.  He knit me together in my mother's womb and even the hairs on my head are numbered.  I'm not a mistake.  God loves me, just as I am because I was made in his image.   How incredible is that?

Oh sure, I need to lose weight for health reasons; I'm not denying that.  But ya know, what God loves me for who I am, what do I care what some mean spirited 7th grader thinks?  I only pray that one day this kid will understand the love and acceptance of God.

Music and Lyrics

I have a new favorite song.  Actually, I always have several new favorite songs and some of the songs may not even be new, simply new to me.

I've always had an incredible passion for music.  I am not a gifted singer and I can't play an instrument, but music has always touched me deeply and has made me feel things that spoken words sometimes cannot.  There are just often times songs that remind me of things or make me think about things in a way I had not thought of them before.  There is nothing like a song to bring tears to my eyes or make me smile or just allow a feeling of deep peace and contentment to come over me. 

The song that is currently striking where I am in my life is one Paula introduced to me when I was making the movie for our graduates at church.  The song is called "Time (Wait for me) by Chantal Kreviazuk and I'm going to share the lyrics with you (the tune is very catchy if you can find it as well).

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don’t go so fast
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. please know that I’m learning
So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better
I shouldn’t have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. please know that I’m learning
I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer
So wait for me this time

The song just reminds me that all we really have is today and that if we are constantly looking for something to change or become better before we can truly start living then we are going to lose so much time.  We're only here on an errand, remember, even though so many of the gifts we are given while here are incredible.  I don't want to miss the moments because I am too consumed with tomorrow.  I want to enjoy each moment shared with a friend or my family. I want to be able to make small differences in lives right now and to not always keep dreaming about the "big thing" I'm going to do one day.  Today, right now, this moment is the only one that matters.

So, there you go.  Just in case you are interested, my other favorites of the moment are:

"Walking her Home" Mark Schultz (it makes me cry but in a beautiful, happy way)
"How to Save a Life" The Fray
"When You Come Back Down" Nickel Creek