Sleeping with Bread

I've spent a bit of time taking a good, hard look at my blogging life and I realize that since April, I have been doing myself a bit of a disservice.  Some of you may recall that April was when this blog came under attack by some folks whose opinions differ from mine and though I am not going to rehash that particular episode, the fact remains that I erred on the side of caution since then and I now regret it.

I have always had this insane need for people for like me as I have mentioned once before and in addition to that, I have had this irrational fear of un-invited confrontation.  So when this whole thing blew up, it made me not only angry, but shocked me enough that I began to measure nearly every word I typed just in case someone was reading.  The bottom line was that I was no longer comfortable in my own home, metaphorically speaking.  I felt like I was under scrutiny, especially when some folks elected to draw my blog to the attention of people who would have never known it existed in the first place.

I'm not going to be measuring what I say anymore, especially when it comes down to faith and my relationship with God.  I'm not going to let anyone else decide that what I feel, believe, or think is "wrong" just because we have a difference in opinion. 

Part of the reason this came about is that we have been discussing some things in staff meetings or in Sunday School that have been thought provoking on their own, yet I was worried about discussing them because they also, unfortunately, indirectly relate to events that happened in our church two years ago.  Is that the reason I find these things so thought provoking?  Maybe.  It's hard to say how I would relate to these things had events not happened as they did, but the fact remains that those things did happen and because they did happen, going forward there will always be some topics that will trip my curiousity.  We are forever changed by our life experiences and the exodus is one of the things that shaped who I am today.  And believe it or not, I'm thankful for that on this Sleeping with Bread Monday. 

Despite in the past, having feelings of anger, bitterness and hurt, I would not change who I am right now because of it as that time has allowed amazing things to happen in my faith walk.  Amazing things.  Would it have been better had I gotten to where I am today without the negative connotations that happened almost two years ago?  Absolutely, but that is not how the chips fell.  We are all individuals with free will and no one always uses it positively, no matter how good their intentions.  But we all muddle through, doing the best we can and there but for the grace of God go I. 

It was recently discussed that many people use the phrase "God loves me despite myself."  No.  That isn't right.  God loves me.  Period.  He created me and has continued to shape and mold me to who He wants me to be today and He uses the means to mold me that He sees fit to use and the experiences that God brings me to are sometimes of positive impact and sometimes of negative impact.  Who am I to question how He does it?  All I really know is that I am closer to Him now than I was two years ago.

It's a relationship that is always growing and evolving and for that I am so glad to be baking today in His honor. 

I've got some stuff I want to talk about; some views I want to express.  I'm sorry I've been holding back on them, but I guess I've been a little busy as in this case, I was not the clay for the Potter, but maybe the bread for the Baker.