Gee, thanks, Mom

So, I told my mother last night about our plans to have the surgery and she was very supportive.  Which is a good thing, considering...

When I was probably in my late twenties, a little naive and before I had a computer, my mother made a comment to me.  It was "If you had diabetes, the weight would just fall off of you."

Now, at the time, I knew very little about diabetes, but I felt as if she had just given me some hope.  Diabetes?  How can I get it?  If the weight will just "fall off" sign me up!  I went out to have bloodwork done and was sorely disappointed that I was not diabetic, but I held out hope for several years that the magical diagnosis would happen for me.  I figured every fat person in the universe was probably praying for the same thing.

In 2002, my still un-diabetic self started working for a podiatrist and as it turns out, many of our patients were diabetic!  I was insanely jealous, until I started seeing a pattern.  Many of these patients were obese.  Were they not doing diabetes correctly?  Finally, with information and resources at hand, I started asking questions of the doctor and reading some books that were in the office.  It was there that I learned the truth about this disease and I was appalled that it had been wished on me years earlier, first by my mother and then by me.  Further horrors were revealed in seeing patients with horrible ulcers that could often lead to amputation.  Now, armed with information, this was no longer a desirable thing to have.

Ignorance is often a really bad way to go into wanting something, so when it comes to WLS, I am arming myself with knowledge, so that I know what nearly every possible scenario, complication and outcome could be.  Armed with the truth, I have been able to so far make informed decisions, even as I continue to explore my options. 

Too bad there is no surgery to give me patience

I hate waiting for things. 

I've been reading other WLS blogs and find my own heart aching to be experiencing what those folks are experiencing.  But I have six months to get through first but still, in the meantime, I want to feel as if I am doing something.  I have my paperwork all ready to be mailed off but am giving the Brit one more night to finish his.  I feel like putting things off at this point is just a waste of time; I need to feel like this could possibly be a reality and in order to do that, something needs to be happening.  I need to be waiting to hear about a consultation with the surgeon or I need to be making a decision about what diet program we are doing.  Waiting when I am doing all I can is one thing; waiting when there are things I could be doing is another altogether.

The six months is going to be hard enough, but in that time, I can get certain required appointments out of  the way, which should help with time passing.  Add to that the fact that we are having lots of company in November and December and that will also help time to pass.  I'll also be figuring out how to sell on eBay because once weight starts falling off, there will be clothing that needs to be sold.

The six months will also be a little bit of a mourning time too, I suppose.  A last Thanksgiving and Christmas to eat crap I will no longer be able to eat much, if any of, once surgery happens.  I'm not even sure I'll really miss it.  I think that feeling healthy and having energy will taste so much better than chocolate blossom cookies or pumpkin pie.  I think a lot of the stuff I chose to snack on now, is partially out of an unhappiness with myself anyway.  I almost develops a "Who cares?" attitude.  I'm already fat, so what's another donut?

I don't want to feel that way or be that person any longer than I have to.  I wish I could lose weight by dieting, but for years that has proven to be fruitless.  I lose a little, put that plus more back on in a constant vicious cycle that has probably taken a toll on my body and my metabolism.  I have spent so much time, dreaming about being healthier and being able to do things that I want to do...I can't even describe to you how hopeless I have felt after another failed attempt. 

All my life, I have just wanted to be normal.  To not be the kid that people made fun of, or the teenager who was tormented by a few bullies or at times even close friends.  Isn't it sad, that even our friends when we are younger will use our weight to hurt us if they are angry?  And that hurts so much more than some bully saying something cruel. Even family is not exempt from making comments as if I am completely unaware of my weight problem.  

 I never really wanted people to pay attention to me for my body, but on the other hand, I never wanted to be ignored because my weight either and there is a difference.  I don't want to turn heads; I want to be comfortable in my own skin and I never have been.  41 years and I have never been comfortable with my body.  What a horrible place to be.  It's the one physical thing that goes through this life here with me, and I don't particularly like it.  Oh, there are parts I like; my eyes, my hair, my fingers and my heart and mind are pretty good emotionally.  But when it comes to traveling in it, it pretty much sucks. 

Does my entire happiness lie on my weight?  No, of course not.  I have found ways to be happy in this life with little effort, but I do think that part of that is because I often ignore what pains me.  Don't think about it, because you will be happier if you don't.  But now half my life is gone and here we are, still struggling to find a place where I can accept myself entirely.

Granted, it is difficult to accept myself when society as a whole doesn't accept weight issues as a real problem.  Fat people are lazy and just lie around eating bon bons all day.  Not all of us.   Society can be sympathetic to other problems, but not to weight. Some people are and some are starting to recognize it as a disease and how can it not be?  How can some people eat what they want and not gain a pound and other people eat like birds and manage to lose ten pounds?  There are things that are not right in our genetic makeup.  I didn't spend most of my life fat and not try to do a thing about it.  Much on the contrary; I tried almost everything. 

Six months to dream and hope and pray. 

Update: As of 7:30pm, our forms for the surgeon  are in the mailbox at the end of the street.  Once they review them, they will set up a consult with us.  Now to just pin down what diet program we are going with...

Sleeping with Bread

I don't know if what I am going to write for tonight's SWB post really qualifies as sleeping with bread, but here goes.

Obviously, I have been all consumed with WLS once again and feeling much more confident thus far in the decision to pursue it.  I've always been the kind of person who gets an idea into her head and then can hardly think of anything else until the thought either comes to fruitation or something causes me to change my mind about it altogether.  I do worry a lot though about telling people and I don't think I'm going to tell many people.  Obviously, the friends who read here will know about it, but I would prefer for the majority of the folks at church to not know.  The main reason is simply that I firmly believe that many people do not have a real understanding of the surgery or why someone would get it.  I can say this honestly because I used to be one of those people, though I never viewed surgery as " the easy way out".  There is nothing "easy" about major surgery, possible complications and a complete change in eating for the rest of one's life.  The thing is, if you have never battled weight, you probably do have little understanding and I've been over that before on this blog so I won't rehash it now.  But I do fear people judging me for the decision who would have little to no understanding on what my life of one diet to the next has been for thirty-something years.  People who never battle weight take little things for granted that I simply cannot do, so that is what my SWB is about today.  It's a bit of a "Wish list" of things to be grateful for in the future that I can only dream about doing tonight.  What I am least grateful for is the fact that I cannot do these things now.

 

1. Being able to get on and off the floor easily.


2. Being able to breathe normally when going up a flight of stairs.


3. Being able to fit comfortably in any chair, anyplace.


4. Being able to bicycle again.


5. Having energy


6. Not having to use a CPAP in order to sleep.


7. Not having to worry about being at increased risk for certain cancers


8. Being able to feel confident


9. Not feeling like my weight is keeping me from achieving things I want to achieve


10. No longer having my ankles swell


11. Crossing my legs or even sitting cross-legged


12. Taking a bath instead of a shower


13. Sitting in a booth


14. Horseback riding


15. Being able to ride amusement park rides with my kids


16. No more knee pain


17. No more back pain


18. No more heel pain


19. Garden


20. Not feeling constantly self conscious


21. Being able to exercise without feeling like I'm dying


22. Being the person outside that I am on the inside


23. Being able to live to the full potential God has planned for me


24. Not being at increased risk for heart attacks or diabetes


25. Being comfortable in my own skin

I know I'll think of more as time goes on, but for now, that is a start.

Bring it on

In the course of the next week, I need to make a decision about which structured diet program I'm going to go with.  It's narrowed down to TOPS or Weight Watchers.  Both I have issues with, but I need to chose.

Weight Watchers cost, I think, like $10 a week, which is a negative.  On the plus side, however, I believe there are MANY meetings each week of which to chose one that would suit my schedule and/or the Brit's schedule.  We could even attend different meetings if need be. 

TOPS is cheaper, but meetings are much more restrictive.  There are only six possible meetings each week, most of them either early morning like 7:30 or later morning like 11:00.  The only evening one is the one my mother attends, and family, do not utter a word to her, but I cannot do the same meetings my mama does.  The stress of that would come close to killing me, but then I could take that near death experience that God does not want me to have this surgery.  All the others interfere with either getting a kid to school or work, but there is always the option of leaving work to attend once a week and making up the time.  Kind of a pain for me, but it could be done.

So that decision needs to be made next week so that we can begin in October, which would mean the earliest I would even be eligible for surgery would be March, but it would probably more realistically be April.  Then if the Brit and I are going to take this Alaskan cruise next summer, that should give adequate  healing time to be off of just liquids, I hope.  My plan would be to get this thing rolling next month and try to set up with the surgeon in December, which would be the halfway mark so I can see what he requires.

I think I have picked Dr. Michael Schweitzeras my surgeon.  He comes recommended from someone I know who has had the surgery, plus he is part of Johns Hopkins, which has an excellent reputation.  I haven't yet contacted the office at all, but may do that next week to schedule an initial appointment.

I'm not feeling the fear I felt last time I started pursuing this, but it could still come and go and come again.  I have been doing a lot of blog reading and people do really well with this surgery.  Does the entire way you eat change for the rest of your life?  Yes, but bring it on.  I am so tired of all this.  It seems I have constant pain that I have become pretty good about ignoring.  I have a right heel spur that has been killing me, my knees are in terrible shape, every morning I wake up to lower back pain that drives me from my bed often before I am ready to get up and start the day.  I have sleep apnea and have to wear one of those sexy masks to bed every night.  I get winded walking up stairs.  I can't do a lot of the things I want to do and I'm missing out because of this.

I have been on every diet known to man, including both Weight Watchers and TOPS.  When Oprah first lost all her weight on that liquid crap, my mother dragged me to Winchester to a hospital where they were giving an orientation to her program.  We couldn't afford it, but I was there to hear about it.  I have made a career out of yoyo dieting and if I got paid for it, I'd be a millionaire. 

I was reading a blog today that gave two quotes I loved.  The first was "If there's magic in fighting battles beyond endurance, it's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you."
- Million Dollar Baby -

The second one was from the Bible: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."--Deuteronomy 31:8

I find both of these very profound and very comforting.

I hope ya'll have a wonderful weekend!

De javu

Since coming back from the alternate universe, I have not given WLS much thought again until lately.  Now, I am there again, considering, reading blogs, lurking on message boards, trying to make a decision. 

The fact is, I can only go so long without starting to wonder what it would be like to be a "normal" size and I honestly do not believe that I will ever experience that without undergoing surgery.  I waffle a lot about it for so many different reasons, the greatest probably being from a Christianity standpoint.  But I also have to surrender to the thought of "If God gets me to it, He will get me through it."  If He doesn't want this to happen for me, He can intervene anyway He so desires.

So, the fact remains that I have to chose a structured diet program because that is an insurance requirement, despite the fact that I don't want to do it at all.  I've had weight issues since I was six for goodness sake.  I know, I know; then what is six more months?  Well, based upon my two week turn around in July from "I want this surgery" to "I'm scared to death, what was I thinking?" six months will give me time to go back and forth approximately twelve more times.  Woot.

I'm going to talk to the Brit to see where he stands with things and then discuss with him the diet program I/we want to do.  Life's a journey; I'd just like to be relatively normal for at least part of it.

I Surrender

My kids are kicking my butt today.

It was only under two weeks ago that Aaron came home upset about a bullying problemat school.  That one was addressed and the problem seems to be under control but apparently the bullies tag team each other.  When one is temporarily put out of commission, he calls another one so that the next kid can pick up where he left off.  

So today, he came in the door with a look on his face that said there was a problem and that I was supposed to ask what the problem was.  I resisted the temptation to not ask at all and I asked and apparently some kid tried to grab Aaron's good behavior bucks (which are the worst idea schools have ever come up with IMHO.  Little pieces of paper that wind up everywhere from on the floor to in the laundry) and when Aaron stopped him the kid wrapped his arm around Aaron's neck and started "choking" him.  I'm not sure if it was actual choking but apparently it was enough to scare him and he started bawling during  the retelling of the story.

So, I again have emailed the school and am waiting for a response.

Once that crisis was averted for the moment, then JJ came home all tearful because he is apparently sucking in math.  Two test grades: a 50% and a 60%.  He has been doing just fine on the homework, so I don't know if the tests are freezing him up or what.  Then he tried to convince me that he put down the right answers and his teacher must have changed them (He is nothing if not creative).  When I made the attempt to help him by finding out how he does his counting (as he only has five real fingers) he elected just to cry and pout and stick to his story about the teacher sting operation that was going on in his classroom.  I've decided to leave that one for the Brit to deal with.

Since then, they have been outside and Aaron has been inside nothing short of five times with some complaint about a bicycle..."I can't get the nut on", "I lost a nut", "I don't know what to do about this front tire", "Maybe I should just sell the bike as what is the point of having two bikes when I can't ride either of them?" Then there has been the constant barrage of yelling and screaming at each other that has been taking place outside.  Add to all of this that Aunt Flo is visiting and stick a fork in me, I'm about done.  I still need to cook dinner for these little ungrateful urchins.  I love them, I do, but 9:00 get here already!  Mom needs it to be bedtime!

If I trade in two kids, how many cats do you think I can get for them?

With every promise I would ever need

*The discussion below is based on the thoughts of the author and does not reflect the beliefs of the entire world.

One of the things we have been discussing of late is in regards to the Bible.  Now, I firmly believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God.  No doubt about it.  However, I do not believe that the Bible is inerrant.  My thoughts behind this are both simple and complicated.

What I know about the Bible, other than it being the inspired word of God, is that it was written by people and I haven't met a person yet that is inerrant.  I believe that the Bible is a wonderful collection of true stories about people's relationships with God, especially the Old Testament.  The OT combines history with how people related to God in that time.  Today, all believers could very well write a chapter in a book about our relationship with our Creator.  I have MANY stories I could tell about how God has worked in my life and I could and in some instances, have put them down on paper.  Would the writings be perfect?  No.  There are often some parts of a story that may be hearsay, or there could be a part of it where I believe I know exactly what God was trying to tell me, but it is my interpretation. 

A chief example of this can be found in asking the question "How did Judas die?"  The Bible gives two separate accounts:

Matthew 27:5-8 says, "So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself." The chief priests picked up the coins and said, "It is against the law to put this into the treasury, since it is blood money." So they decided to use the money to buy the potter's field as a burial place for foreigners. That is why it has been called the Field of Blood to this day." Acts 1:18-19 says, "With the reward he got for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. Everyone in Jerusalem heard about this, so they called that field in their language Akeldama, that is, Field of Blood." Which is correct? Did Judas hang himself or did he fall? Did Judas buy the field or did the priests buy the field?

Judas hung himself in the potters field (Matthew 27:5) and then after his body decayed and bloated, evidently the rope broke and he burst into pieces on the land of the potters field (Acts 1:18-19). Acts 1:18-19 presumes Judas' hanging...as a man falling down in a field does not result in his body bursting open. Only decomposition and a fall from a height could cause a body to burst open. When Judas threw the thirty pieces of silver down, the priests took the money and used it to buy the potter's field (Matthew 27:7), not knowing that Judas was going to hang himself there. Judas may not have purchased the field himself, but it was the money Judas received for betraying Jesus that purchased the field.

There are a lot of assumptions here.  Maybe he did hang himself, the rope broke and he burst into pieces on a rock, but we don't know for certain.  Quite possibly two authors had different information about it.  Maybe one actually witnessed something and the other heard the gossip from someone else and wrote it down as he heard it.  We have no way of knowing.  What I do believe is that Judas was overcome with guilt for betraying his Lord and took his own life.  Basically, that is the most important part, but the example shows that those who wrote the Bible could be fallible.  God is perfect.  People are not.

The other thing we've been talking about is when in reading the Bible there are people who take every single word literally.  Now, they may be right, but my thoughts on this are that we are limiting ourselves if that is the only way we chose to read it.

The writers in Biblical times could not have imagined the state the world is in today nor how far we've come (some of it to our own detriment).  They could not have imagined fast cars and highways and airplanes because they did not yet exist.  But there were certain things that did exist in that time that no longer exist today (again, folks, my opinions).  Women were treated at a much lower standard than men were.  It was acceptable to have slaves.  These are only two examples, but both show a sign of the times.  It's the way things were back then and the authors knew of nothing else and even if God had described to them some of the things that would one day be in existence, do you really think they could have truly imagined it?  Probably not. 

So if I were to read the Bible and take everything at absolute literal value, then I should never talk to people about God in church.  I should be silent.  But here is where my relationship with God comes into play.  The God I know and love I truly don't think would mind one iota if I were to introduce someone to Him.  God would have to do the calling, but I am capable of an introduction, or of answering questions a visitor might have about God. 

There are female ministers out there who have a wonderful spiritual gift of being able to preach the Gospel.  I believe that is a gift that only God could give and in many cases, He chose to give it to a woman and she would be doing a disservice to Him to not use it to further God's kingdom.  There is also a common sense element for me.  Do I really think God would care whether or not a man or a woman preaches the Gospel to bring more people to Him?  Wouldn't God find it much more important that people are brought to Him?

My other problem with taking every word literally is that it limits us in using God's word for today's world.  I believe that there are hundreds of things in the Bible that are relevant for my life today, despite the fact that the words were written hundreds of years ago.  I think that in many ways if we read every word the way it was literally meant by an author who lived in a different place in time, we are just reading a story.  But if we read those words and ask God to give us what He wants to give us from those words, it opens up endless possibilities.  Maybe Joseph being thrown into a pit by those he loves is today me, who has been thrown into a pit by a situation that I have gotten myself into.  Or Thomas doubting Jesus is a friend who is struggling with trusting in God for her life?  I would just so much rather read the Bible with an open heart instead of with a narrow view. 

Many people may not agree with me, but that's okay.  If I believe that the Bible is timeless, then isn't it a valid thought that God could show one hundred people the same verse and each person would get something different out of it, depending on where they are in their lives and what they are going through in that moment? 

I vote yes.