Truths

So about half my To Do list is finished and now I feel like I'm getting sick.  Go figure.

I was reading an entry by a WLS patient that I have been following and she stated something that rang very true for me:

I didn't want people to think I was physically limited, so I worked extra hard to beat their expectations. I didn't want to acknowledge just how big a problem my weight was, so I felt if I could keep going and wasn't limited, then there really wasn't a problem.

How true it is.  I have always worked my ass off to not fit into the stereotype of a large person; I do major cleaning, I rake and bag leaves, I keep a very clean house, I went on the mission trip (and was exhausted through most of it) and kept up with teenagers all week.  Always acting like I was just as normal as the next "normal size" adult.  But the fact is that I probably have to work three times as hard as a normal size person because I am carrying a whole extra person on my frame.  It's like having to do all the stuff I mentioned above, all the while giving someone else a piggy back ride through my day.  Insanity.  But even now, with acceptance setting in that I cannot control my weight on my own, I still go at a hundred miles per hour through my day, to the point that tonight I am feeling sick.  I have always done this since high school; just ask my mother.  I go and go until I wear myself down to the point of illness, because anything less, in my mind, would be giving into the fat and though I may look like a fat person, I don't have to act like one, by resting.  I think I need to find a happy medium between couch potato and a manic "I'm not fat" maniac.

Still waiting on the next step with the surgeon's office.  One more month of WW (thank goodness!) and then we start Bayview's program mid-December.  I have set up our appointments with the nutritionalist and tomorrow will try to schedule our psyche consults as well.  All the ducks are pretty well lined up!

And now, I think I am going to put on my inner fat girl and call it night.  I'm tired, not feeling well, and going to bed early.