Numbers

I got sucked into watching part of Oprah on Friday, even though it was one I had already seen.  It had to do with women who'd had WLS and then when they could no longer use food as their addiction, they turned to alcohol or sex or whatever else.  One of the women (might have been Carnie Wilson) said that she would look in the mirror after losing all her weight and think "I don't know who I am anymore."  Then that psychologist friend of Oprah's, Robin, who I cannot stand usually, said that it wasn't that Carnie (I'm assuming it was Carnie, so we'll go with that) didn't know who she was because she had lost weight, but that she hadn't known who she was when she was fat either. 

It got me to thinking that I don't have that problem.  I'm pretty grounded now.  I know who I am, where I belong, what my beliefs are.  I have a very supportive family, a great husband, amazingly supportive friends and I know what my role is with all these people.  I don't have any confusion now about who I am, so can I assume that will be the same after weight loss?  I may be wrong, but I think I can indeed assume that. 

I don't base WHO I am on what I weigh.  My weight is no reflection on the person inside, but it does reflect my abilities to do certain things or at least to do them as comfortably and as confidently as I'd like to.  Unfortunately, the physical being can be judged on certain things I have always loved, such as theater.  I was once turned down for the show "Godspell" because there is a scene where the disciples are on their hands and knees for the parable of the sheep and the goats.  The excuse that it would be "difficult" for me to do that was total BS as I was in my early twenties and a size 18, but there was prejudice that went with being a size 18 in theater.  In the case of "Godspell", I completely outsang the competition (numerous people told me that) but was still turned down because of my weight.  With other auditions, I could easily shine in a character role, but knew better than to audition for a romantic lead...because fat people don't have romantic relationships, or so many theater groups assume??  For me, it was an unfortunate reality that at times caused me to look at myself differently from the way I generally did.  I don't have confidence issues as a rule, but situations like "Godspell" made me take pause and wonder if I had auditioned out of my league.  I was always careful about what I chose to audition for, and had been that time as well, but one man elected to make my weight a much bigger issue than it was at the time.  I find that sad and not really for me, but for society.

No one's worth should ever be based on any kind of number.  I don't want WLS to make myself feel worthy of anything or anyone.  I am already worthy of my relationships, it is my health and my physical limitations I seek resolutions for.  Right now, fat might be what I am, but it isn't who I am, and it certainly does not define me, no matter what lables society would chose to pick.