The Ball

I couldn't think of a more appropriate word than "ball" to use in describing what feels like a huge ball of panic and anxiety that starts in my stomach and slowly works its way up to my chest, making it feel like I need to scream for a moment.  I then search desperately for something to distract myself with in order to subdue it once more.  These little "attacks" started yesterday.  Great!

So what am I freaking out about?  Maybe if I list them, someone will have some answers or maybe it will just help to list them so I can talk myself through them.

1) A cathetar.  Never had one before, but I'm going to have one when I wake up from surgery and it will probably be removed the morning after surgery.  Do they hurt?  Do they hurt coming out?  Do they hurt when they make you get up and walk?

2) Pain.  Will there be much?  I have a high tolerance generally.  My last arm break was horrendous as it was my upper arm and you can't cast that.  You have to cast below it with a heavy cast so that the weight of the cast itself pulls the bone into place.  That was big fun, let me tell you.  The nerve ending in the upper arm are insanely painful with a break.  So in light of enduring that, I should really not be too worried about post-op pain and morphine is probably way better than vicodin anyway (Though Dr. House may disagree), but when it is the unknown, isn't there always fear?

3) Just general surgery worries.  Will it go okay?  Will I be aware of anything?  Will I have a reaction to the anesthesia?  What if they get in there and find cancer?  (I don't really think they will, but cancer is one of my phobias, so play along).  

I just want to be there and want my IV cocktail of "I don't give a shit" so I will no longer be freaking out.  Once the Twilight or whatever it is called is started, life will be good no matter what happens, for at least awhile.   Why can't we just fast forward to that part?  Just skip the next few days and the drive to Baltimore at still some unknown time next Tuesday and the signing of the papers and get right to the good stuff.  That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.