Courage?

Ya know, it is either feast or famine around these here parts.  I either have nothing to write about or I have numerous things to tell ya'll.

First and huge ordeal in and of itself is that I just made up a protein shake I'm lovin'.  I used the Light and Fit yogurt, which has very low sugar content (one of the lowest among yogurts I believe and the one my surgeon's office recommends) and about ten grams of protein per serving, a whole banana, a handful of sliced strawberries and half a scoop of my whey protein vanilla.  Yummers!  I know, I need to work up to a whole scoop of protein, but this is way better than I had been doing.  For tonight, I'll take it.

A friend of mine sent me an email today where in part, she discusses how she is having her own psychological issues with weight loss (she is looking amazing by the way and she did this all by herself by using Weight Watchers on line).  She mentioned wishing she was able to "put it all out there" like I do and I just wanted to comment on that.

My weight issues were a huge mystery to me until I was nearly raped in New York (God was on my side that night as a police car drove through the private park and scared off the guy).  It was during that assault that I had my first flashbacks of what had happened to me as a child.  At the time, of course, I didn't understand what I was seeing in my mind, but a call home held the explanation.

From that moment on, I totally got it; I got the fact that my extra pounds were my protection, my fortress against unwanted and unsolicited male attention.  I also think that is the reason why I was friends and even roomed with numerous gay men.  They were safe and I had nothing to fear from them and they were the only men I was comfortable around.

"Getting it" and actually doing something about it though were too different things.  To lose weight meant losing my protection and though I did give half hearted attempts at weight loss at times, they were short lived.

When I met The Brit, we did not meet in person.  We were introduced through the same friend that has spurred this blog entry and we were introduced via the internet.  See, Chris lived in England but my friend had met him in person once when he came to the states for a visit.  The first several months of our relationship was spent for me, in absolute safety.  He was in England and I was in Maryland.  We had internet chats and phone conversations and we grew to really know each other.  I told him about my past with the assaults.  The day before he was arriving here to meet me, I went into a tizzy because I had never sent him a picture.  A manager where I worked, helped me to get one over to him to settle my fears of rejection.  I think it wasn't until that day and in knowing he was actually coming, that I knew I desperately wanted this man in my life.  I had purposely not sent a photo before and then suddenly the fear of his rejection because of my weight was nearly overwhelming.

But The Brit accepted me exactly the way I was and in time, and through conversations I had to grow to accept who I was too, though I don't think I was ever able to fully do that.  I kept imagining what my life would be like to not be obese (I still shudder with the use of that word)and though I knew that through The Brit, the boys and my friends, I was truly happy, there was still something missing.

When I started blogging and started talking openly on here to friends and perfect strangers about my weight issues, something amazing happened that is hard to describe.  I found myself starting to work through my issues somewhat; understanding my fears and what got me here to begin with.  I had always known them, but had rarely discussed them, but writing them down, a cyber-diary, helped me to think them through, to accept them and to eventually decide that something drastic had to be done.

After surgery, I have had to face certain fears and realizations all over again, but once more, I do it here.  It's cathartic in so many ways, even if it is just writing in circles (like now) and trying to tie all the loose emotions together.  But growing in our own wisdom of ourselves, makes us stronger and much better able to cope with the fears and challenges that arise.  When we keep it bottled up inside, it simply bubbles and boils, much like a stew pot on high heat.  We only have so much time in the day to actually devote to mulling over what we harbor in our hearts; life simply gets in the way.  But when we make deliberate efforts to write, blog, journal, talk, email, pray, whatever, we can begin to discern some of our own puzzles simply because we are devoting the time to actually do it.

So, I don't think it has anything to do with courage at all.  I think it has to do with realizations and with making the effort to set aside time to deal with our own issues and often in that time, we find out things about ourselves we may not otherwise have ever known.  Though we often think we know who we are, we are still wonderfully made and chock full of new discoveries, providing we let ourselves discover them.