Emotional Ups and Downs

I have to tell you that at 33 pounds down, I am already beginning to notice some things; some good and some unsettling.

I did lots of work today; gardening stuff, painting my porch furniture, scrubbing down my porch, all sorts of things.  And I got up at 6:30 for church.  Now, as a pre-op, Sundays often warrented a nap in the middle of the afternoon, but today, I was a woman on a mission!  I am tired now that I have sat down to blog, but I was on a roll until I stopped!

I used to do much of the same kinds of things as a pre-op, but I would have to take many breaks just to breath or rest my back because it would be aching.  Now, with as little as 33 pounds gone, I took one break and that was when my heel spur really started aching (I keep hoping with a little more weight loss, that pain will go away as well).  And to think this is only going to get better.

The downside I am already seeing is actually surprising me to see at this stage of the game.  It's happened twice but the latest was last week when I was at a stop light and someone else was turning to drive beside me going the opposite way.  Now, I have lost a lot of weight in my face thus far; enough so that even critical me can see it and as I told my mother, I'm actually starting to like my face.  So when this guy turned the corner, he kind of gave me that look; a look that said he might be interested or at least found my face attractive.  I'm not bragging; I hate this kind of attention and it is one of the things that got me fat in the first place.

I have been sexually assaulted twice in my life.  The first time. I was quite young and not long after that, I started putting on weight.  The second time was right out of high school. after I had lost a good bit of weight.  Needless to say I started packing on pounds again after the incident.

Attention from strange men has never been anything I have wanted, and though the man in the car probably meant me no harm, he was a reminder that I need to get over this fear I have.  A year or so after I moved back from NY (the scene of my second assault) I went to a country bar with a girl I worked with.  I was overweight at the time but not obese, maybe 170 pounds, so I felt relatively safe inside myself.  My friend was asked to dance and I was quite content to just sit there and listen to the music, but much to my surprise and my chagrin, a cowboy-type person asked me to dance.  I think fear kept me from saying no, but the whole time we were slow dancing, the tears were running down my face; I was that terrified.  Needless to say, he didn't ask me to dance again.

One of my goals once I lose enough weight is to take a course in self-defense.  Believe me, I certainly don't think I am going to be fighting off men.  It has nothing to do with that.  It has to do with having the confidence to know I can protect myself if the need ever arises.  I think that is what will help me maintain my loss at the end of this immediate journey (my goal weight) as well as help me build some body strength.  I'm actually looking forward to it and I wish I'd had this kind of insight a long time ago.