And An Island Never Cries

�I think that in life, we get used to things being a certain way and certain people being our sounding boards and when that changes, we experience an intense feeling of isolation.



That's the way I have been feeling this week.� Alone, no sounding board, against the world and it is closing in on me.� I'd say I'm depressed but that is not really something I am accustomed to feeling so I'm not sure.� Maybe I am just having a few down days.



The two people�I talk to the most when my heart is heavy have not been�available.� One is working two jobs and I never see her anymore and the other is currently in rehearsals for a show.� Neither of these people are responsible for me, but they were/are still the people I talk to and I have not yet adjusted to things being different.� They won't be different forever, but right now, I have a feeling of drowning with no one there to pull me back.



I am nearing the time of year when things get complicated; school will soon be out, golfing weather is upon us and I start trying to figure out how to juggle all of it and still find my own time for the exercise that helps to keep me sane (though this week, not even that is helping).� Leaving my kids at home alone for four hours a day is scary enough during the summer, especially with my oldest, so any longer than that, is not possible.� Yes, I have the treadmill, which will help once I get a fan down there, but my goals right now are running and increasing my stamina outside.� I can do the inside thing once or twice a week but any more than that and I lose the ground I have gained outside.



Summer is also complicated because I have to spend more time with my kids, which I love them, do not misunderstand, but I am the opposite sex parent and it is a known fact that kids respond more to the same sex parent, which is not me.� I deal fairly well with this most of the time; the fact that they bicker more for me, act up more for me, feel that they can get away with more with me; but sometimes, like this week, it just gets to me.� And on the rare occasion when asking for help results in annoyance at me, my frustration is all the greater.� I accept the fact that I am the primary care giver with them; the mother usually is and that is fine.� I have the part time job so it only makes sense, but there are occasions when I need help.� Those days when there doesn't seem to be a moment when there is not an issue going on, someone mad at someone, hitting someone, tattling on someone, arguing with someone and they come at me one right after the other with barely a breath in between.� It gets to me some days.� Most days, I can take it all in stride, but this week has been tough for some reason.� I�can't question why.� It just is.



And the people I lament to are not around currently.� The ones willing to listen to me and to help me put things into perspective.� I know I am strong and it is only when alone that I feel tears pushing forward this week.� This isn't about anyone else or making anyone feel bad; this post is me feeling bad and trying to get the emotions out in some safe way.



The majority of my days during the week are either spent completely alone or with kids.� Not much going on at work right now and more days than not, it is just me.� Then I go and work out alone.� Then I go home alone for awhile until the kids come home so again, no adult conversation.� It's getting to me right now.�



Still don't even know if my mother is pissed off at me about the Mother's Day thing and I am not in a place to call her today because if any attitude is going on, I am not feeling strong enough to deal with it.� I am not going to put myself in a place to be made to feel bad or guilty about my decision.� See, my sister was here last week and when any other sibling is here, I don't hear from my mother but rarely.� But now, I am sure I am in the wrong for not calling, but I'm just not in that place right now.� I am not feeling strong enough to guard my words.�



I'm sure this will pass.� I don't often get this way.� Lonely.� Feeling isolated.� Alone time is often something I crave but when my demons are knocking at my door being alone is not where I want to be.�