The Crazy? I Gots It

Sometimes things happen that I am not sure I really want to share in my blog.� I argue with myself about it and either decide not to post about it, or decide that maybe if I can manage to tell the story, it might help someone else and maybe even me in the process.� Those of you who were around me Friday night know the story as after a lot of wine, I felt brave enough to tell it.� You have the details which I will not rehash here, but will give the condensed version.



I have a lot of issues with my oldest adopted son, which I have mentioned in the past.� He is now a teenager and has gone, at times, from worse to horrendous.� I'm not sure he was ever as minor as "bad" when it came to certain things, like lying.� Lying for me is a huge ordeal.� I hate it worse than anything.� Lying means I can't trust you, don't want to leave you alone in my house, and I don't believe anything you say.� This kid has been lying to my face for six years now; stupid lies, things he does not need to lie about.� For me, lying is the ultimate betrayal.�



You all know, I was having a rough week last week emotionally.� I was on edge, much of it brought on by this kid, who was playing up for me a lot.� Friday, before he walked into his therapy, he lied to me.� So while he was in therapy and I went to the grocery store (because his therapist, in my opinion, missed an opportunity as he could see there was an issue.� Had he acted on that, the things that happened after therapy might not have happened).� The whole time at the store, I fumed, so that by the time the kid was out of therapy, I was really angry.�



We got into the car and I questioned him again on the issue at hand, and he lied again...a new lie, which zeroed out any chance the first lie ever had as they conflicted with each other.� Then he added lie upon lie in order to make the second lie work.� When I cornered him, he finally confessed the truth...a truth which would NOT HAVE GOTTEN HIM INTO TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.�



I lost it.� I yelled like a banshee in my car the whole way home.� I swear to you, I saw RED.� I said some things I should not have said.� I cursed...a lot.� My frustration was at an all time high.� At one point as I was driving down the street, I imagined what would happen if I took the corner at full speed and wrecked the car.� Yeah.� This is where I was and I have never really been there before.� It was not pretty and I am not proud of it.



We got home and he pretty much got the hell out of dodge.� I walked around to the passenger's side of the car to get the groceries from the back and I completely melted down into sobs.� I felt at a complete loss, didn't know what to do or who to call or where to go from here.� I felt on the brink of losing my freakin' mind in those minutes.� I stood there crying for maybe ten minutes before my younger son came around the corner (he gets home from school right before we get home from therapy), asking me if I was okay.� I held it together as best I could so as not to scare him and gathered up the groceries.



That was when I realized that my oldest son was locked out of the house and had witnessed my whole meltdown at the car.� Through all of it, my rant, my tears, he never said one word...not one emotion crossed his face.� But then, it rarely does.



Once I had calmed and talked to Tod, I went up to the oldest son's room and apologized for some of the things I said, but told him�I was not sorry for getting angry.� I told him how his lies affected all those around him.� I don't think anything registered with him at all and he never did apologize for lying.



Some people don't understand why his lies affect me the way they do...but they need to remember that I deal with this kid about 80% of the time on my own.� I am the parent who gets them up in the morning and who is here when they get home from school.� I get the majority of the drama...and when he is really acting out, it gets to me.� Lying is such a major deal breaker for me.



So I am seeing my doctor on Friday.� Instead of going off the zoloft, I am looking for something stronger.� I have a feeling either the zoloft is no longer working as affectively after six years or I am entering into pre-menopause and a helluva hormone imbalance.� Friday afternoon was not me and I have not been totally me since.� Still a bit short tempered and a bit of a lack of interest in most things at the moment.



A few moms I have spoken to since Friday have told me they have had similar moments, so I don't feel quite so bad....still not good, but not as bad as Friday.�