The Year in Review 2010

So what do you think of when you look back on 2010?

The year was actually rather uneventful, I think but there were a few things I think were important.

I was finally able to get back to California, the one place that as far as geography goes, will always be home.  In many ways, it felt as if I had never left.  Then of course, there was getting to see Gina and Renee and realizing that in some ways and in some relationships, time can stand still.  What I initially thought would be awkward was so incredibly natural and easy.  It had been thirty years since we had last seen each other, yet we immediately settled into easy conversation; about our past as friends and our pasts as individuals.  It was truly a moment of knowing what true friendship really is.

That trip also saw the death of my brother in law and though we were not close, it was still very sad, especially watching my sister cope with this sudden turn of events.  It reminded me that nothing in this world is certain and life is not required to be fair, so we have to treasure every single moment as we never know if there will be another one to follow.

The other big thing was the church situation. Just as you can realize that no time at all has passed with not seeing people for thirty years, you can find out that people you have been with consistently for thirty years, you really never knew at all.  Where one can bring you great joy, the latter can bring intense sadness.  The days following the whole thing were horrible.  I was unable to sleep, or would wake up trembling and tearful.  My reaction was much like I had been assaulted and that The Brit had been assaulted, with nothing more nor less than words.  My reaction to this only came because the assault came from a place of trust. If a stranger were to assault me with words on the street, my immediate reaction might be anger, but when you trust people because of the place they are affiliated with, the reaction is devastating.  

But God wanted me to move, that much had been clear.  My restlessness and feeling of not being fed by this particular pastor had to come from Someone other than myself.  Before, my inability to connect with him were offset by the praise band and the youth, but then, not even those two things were enough and my frustration grew. Now that I have moved, despite the things I had to give up, my soul is slowly becoming fulfilled.  Leaving the church was my choice, based on not only the trauma that occurred and how people elected to handle it, but because it was the final thing that let me know that church was no longer where I belonged.

So, where do I go from here?  What I have learned about myself is that I still do not handle stress well.  I still turn to food and my body reacts badly as I am now on my second cold in two months, where before all of this, I had not been sick in two years. Add to that the FoodFest that is the holidays and it is no wonder I have gained ten pounds. But starting Monday, the good habits are going back into place though it may be a struggle at first.  But I know what to do and how to do it and I not going to continue on a downward spiral.  I have come too far to turn back or give up, so it is simply back to business in a few days.

I am still job hunting though my job at the church is stable for at least six months when they re-evaluate the budget again. The church continues to struggle financially, so things are not certain there.   I have personal goals that are still unmet due to fear and I continue to work on overcoming my own self-created obstacles. But that is what life is all about; creating who we want to be, learning who we are and finding our own inner peace.

It is a lifelong process.

Happy New Year, dear readers!