Random and I'm afraid rather dull Thursday..

It's one of those days where I really don't have anything to write about.  Nothing wonderful, irritating, sad or exciting happened today, which leaves me pondering why I'm even here in front of the screen writing to you about nothing.  So, we'll be short and random...

Monkee has requested to meet the kitties so we'll be doing that next week here on Knitten Kittens. 

I did do a workout at Curves today and survived it.  Tomorrow will be #4 this week, but in retrospect, I'm not sure I'll be making five for awhile.  You see, Tuesdays are grocery day and I am Miss Heel Spurs Girl, and the Walmart floors do me in.  Then of course, I have to get home, unload groceries, put them all away and then decide what to make for dinner.  Just not sure a workout is going to fit into that day.

Oh and speaking of Monkee, she became Auntie Monkee!  Pop over to congratulate her!

What was up with Sanjaya's hair this week?  It's bad enough we have to hear him sing, but to have to endure what he believes is "fashion" with his "do" is just too much.  I was really, really skeeered this week....very skeered.  That hair was the stuff nightmare are made from.  *shudder*

Going to see one of my very favorite teenagers in "Grease" tomorrow night.  Yes, I saw it last weekend too and it was incredible!  I don't often expect a lot from high school productions, but the director and these kids really outdid themselves.  Watching Kirk up on stage was like watching someone else and not the kid I've known since he was ten years old.

Okay, really...that's all I got! 

Upping the Ante

So, people are starting to notice, even if I can't really see it yet.  My mother has commented on how much better I look and Paula can see in my face that I've lost weight.  And even though I can't see it in myself, I do know that I no longer to have one of the side buttons undone on my bibs for breathing room.

I have never been a patient sort of person, which probably pretty well sums up why weight loss in the past has been so difficult for me.  I'm all about instant gratification and with some things in life, I just can't have that, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to get the job done as quickly as possible. 

I think I'm going to up my Curves days from three to five.  Tomorrow should be an off day, but I'm going to go and then go again Friday and we'll see how it goes.  No workouts on the weekends...or at least no intentional ones.

I'm still really amazed at how good I feel already and how much more energy I have.  There are times when I've been out and I've seen really large people using those scooters to shop or having to be pushed in a wheelchair and I'm unable to help but wonder that if I had continued to eat the way I once did and continued to be so sedentary, if in ten years, I would have been one of those people.  In all honesty, I can't stand the thought of it; losing my health, my ability to walk, my independence, just because I refused to reinvent my lifestyle.  I would like to think that I never would have become one of the folks who can't walk through a store, but I doubt any of those people thought it would ever be them either.  I seriously doubt any of them wrote in their journals, "I want to lie on the couch and eat until I need a scooter to shop at the Walmart because then I can die happy."

The thing is that we all have a certain responsibility to our families and those who love us.  If I'm not taking care of me, then I'm not going to be around to take care of my kids or my grandkids.  I certainly don't want to die early because I couldn't quit eating crap and refused to move my rear end.  What is that teaching my kids?  And because I'm female, I just don't want to be the kind of mom my kids are embarrassed about.  I mean, I think they'll love me no matter what, but you know what I mean.  Other kids can be cruel and it isn't the overweight parent who is going to get teased by my son's friends.  No, they'll say those things to my kids.

I'm not going to say that it's easy to change, because it isn't.  There are days when I fight the urge to slip back into my old ways; to skip Curves and come home instead, or to pick up something delightfully sugary and fat loaded from the Dutch Market.  But instead, I keep reminding myself that I'm not a quitter and that though I thought there was comfort in food, there is no comfort whatsoever in being fat.  To change my life I have had to step outside of my comfort zone and become involved with myself.  You would think that was not a difficult thing to do, but it is!  We are always so involved...too involved with our jobs, our spouses, our kids, our friends and the kabillion things we think we "have to do".  But don't you see?  If we don't invest in ourselves first, none of the other things matter because we are not going to be around for the people who depend on us.  Being overweight, I am much more at risk for a heart attack at a much younger age, I'm at higher risk for certain cancers, and diabetes.  Wow!  Who wants that?  And all because I won't eat healthy foods and move thirty minutes three to five days a week?  Ya know, it would be very easy for me to feel sad that I didn't invest in myself sooner but there is no point in regrets.  They don't change anything.  Instead, I'm just going to keep pushing forward.

Because I'm worth it.

Sleeping with Bread and other things

They always say "Be careful what you wish for." and there is definate truth in that.

I really and truly want to like our new pastor.  I do.  I totally do.  Yet I struggle with that want and hope every single day.  He's new.  I know this.  He is probably trying to find his footing and that is all well and good but he needs to step a little softer and tread with a little more of an open mind and willing spirit.  I would really like to see him start getting to know people instead of just preaching at them.  I'm a firm believer in "You should listen twice as much as you talk" and I'd like to project that belief onto him, because he talks.  A Lot.  Yet for someone who talks so much, he rarely greets anyone and he really doesn't seem to care if he gets to know anyone on any kind of personal level.

My kids are scared to death of him.  JJ says "He yells, mom." JJ is referring to the pastor's need to become very dramatic and rather loud in his sermons.  In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever seen him talk to any of the children.  Teens,  yes.  Kids, no.  Children's sermon, yes.  On a personal level, no.

The last Saturday of the month has always been our church's Fellowship Breakfast, where we meet at a local restaurant and dine together.  It's always fun to be away from the church communicating with people.  So, this Saturday, the pastor also decided to ask folks to volunteer to go door to door to invite the neighborhood to our Easter services.  Now, that is all well and good, but on a personal note, I am in the church six days a week.  Even on Sundays when I am there for a service, I am often asked (and I don't mind) to do this or that for someone, because I am the church secretary.  That being said, I am completely unwilling to give up my Saturdays to do church work.  It has nothing to do with God; it has to do with having a husband I see for a few hours in the evenings during the week, two young children, six cats and a house that needs attention.  If that is selfish of me, so be it.  I can live with being labeled "Selfish" because I don't want to spend time at church seven days a week.

Now, the pastor set up this door to door time at the same time the breakfast was scheduled.  The breakfast annoucement ran on the powerpoint for the last two weeks.  He just announced the door to door yesterday.  Had it been me, I would have chosen to work with the breakfast, such as scheduling the door to door at a later time in the day, or maybe even saying to the congregation "Hey, let's go to breakfast and then those that are able can come back to the church and we'll do this flyer thing."  That would be working with us.  Instead, when I called outside after a friend who was leaving the church and asked her if she would be attending the breakfast (she always did and did not sign up this time), he was there listening.  When she told me to sign her up, I walked back inside with the pastor following me and he was saying "Evangelism, breakfast?  Evangelism, breakfast?"

I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me that I was making the wrong decision or if he was making a general remark that anyone going to the breakfast was making a wrong decision, but either way it was judgemental, immature, and I basically just ignored him and walked back into my office.

Things like this are the reason I'm having so much trouble liking him.  I like people a lot, but he has yet to show me a human side.  All I get is the preaching side and the bigger problem is that the way he makes me feel all week is sliding over into my reaction to him on Sundays during the service.  During his sermon, I found myself having trouble even looking at him and instead I looked up at the cross and thought "Lord, you have to help me out here.  I wanted him to be our new pastor, but Lord, right now, I don't even like him!  Right or wrong, God, it's how I feel!"

So that is where it stands.  I want to like him.  I pray every night for God to open up my heart or even maybe the pastor's heart, so that I can begin to like and respect him.  Respect has to be earned and so far, it just isn't happening.  I still have hope that he will eventually settle down and allow people in, as opposed to him trying to be a one man show of "All about me".  I want him to walk beside us, instead of running ahead or worse yet, tailing us while telling us we are slow.  I want him to stop hurting people that I care about and to start listening twice as much as he talks.

I continue to sleep with bread.

And worth a little mention

At Curves today, the lady who was working said to me "I have to tell you that you really work hard here.  A lot of the ladies don't work the equipment hard enough." 

I'm not one to really accept much praise like that, and I just explained to her that I needed to work it hard to meet my goals and that many of the other ladies liked to chat and so did I, but when I'm chatting I don't work nearly as hard.  So, I'm making the choice to work the machines hard and chat when I'm finished.

Losing weight is all about making choices; what I eat, when Ieat, what I do.  On Mondays, I never feel like working out, but I do it.  It just has to be done and I'm not willing to give up.

Slacking? Who? Me?

Okay, so maybe I have not been the most consistant blogger in world these past two weeks.  I've been really busy!  I have not forgotten about Sleeping with Bread or Women are Fantastic Fridays.  What I did decide is that if every Friday, I honor one of the wonderful chicks in my life, I would soon have no one to talk about.  I have a lot of good friends, but not an endless supply to blog about!  And with as busy as I've been, I honestly don't have time to go out and solicite for more girl friends so I can talk about how fantastic they are!  Way exhausting!

The weekend is shaping up nicely.  The kids are headed out with one of their grandmothers for the whole weekend and are leaving any minute now.  I'm going to see "Grease" which Paula's son, Kirk is in tonight, and with any luck Pastor Phil will be there tonight too, because I am a sap who misses him very much!  Tomorrow, yarn shopping with Lisa and some time with the Brit. 

The Brit has the responsibility tonight of euthanizing Tess, our seven year old Angelfish.  She started going downhill two weeks ago and despite all I have tried to do to make her better, she continues to decline.  However, she is stubborn, and is refusing to let go of life.  I fear she is suffering so after a tip from Kelly, and finally my own ability to believe she will get better finally turning into acceptance that she won't, I bought some Clove Oil today.  This puts the fish to sleep and once the fish is sleeping, you add clear alcohol, like vodka to the water (the fish is removed from the tank before this whole process begins).  It's all very sad, but she lived a long life with us, ate well (she is our only fish as she lunched on anyone else we tried to place in the tank with her), spent her days trying to attack the cats who got too close to the aquarium and generally was a holy terror.  So, she's now going to move to that big aquarium in the sky and after a good clean out, we'll get more fish (Wow!  More than one?  Really?) and make sure that none of them are cannibals.

Let's see, what else?  Weight loss?  Yes, still happening.  Working out at Curves?  Yes, still happening.  Knitting?  No, not really in the last two weeks, but I'll get back to it.  American Idol takes up a lot of knitting time and I borrowed a book from Sheri that I've been enjoying called "The Friday Night Knitting Club".  Good read so far.

Okay, off to finish up laundry!  If I'm not around this weekend, ya'll have a good one!

Living with Men

You know you live with three males when you are the last one to enter the bathroom for the night and you find:

One full roll of TP on the counter next to the sink.
One full roll of TP on the toilet tank.
The TP roller on the wall completely empty
The empty cardboard from the last used up roll on the floor in front of the trashcan.

Welcome to my world.

Oh and any of you who either enjoy American Idol or love the kitties, go and visit Monkee.  She does a weekly review in her own words and hysterical way of AI that had me laughing until I cried.  She is also getting us up close and personal with her cats.  Go visit.  She is much fun!

I like feeling amazing

So I do.  I totally feel amazing. 

Peronally, I don't think that anyone can look at me yet and say "Oh my gosh, you've lost weight!" because I haven't lost enough yet.  But when I realize just how good I'm feeling...well, it's just amazing.  My energy is up so much and I can now finish my workout without wishing I was dead.  Where five weeks ago it took all I could do to keep up a fast walk on the recovery boards, I now jog on them and feel really good about it. 

I like feeling this way and I need to always remember that, because there are times when I think about how long this journey will take in total and then I become overwhelmed.  There are moments when I get really impatient.  I want to shop for regular sized clothes NOW!  But I can't yet because there is still much work to be done.  I didn't do this to myself overnight and I can't undo it overnight either.

So I have to remember how amazing I feel right now.  I have to remember the sense of accomplishment that I usually feel in those really good moments when I think about the way I used to eat compared to how I eat now.  I have to remember how much I like feeling tired at nine 'o clock at night instead of feeling exhausted and needing a nap when I get home from work at 12:45. (There were many times I didn't get the nap but I almost always wanted it!).  I like the fact that my workouts are becoming a priority.  Friday it was snowing like crazy beginning at seven 'o clock in the morning but they had not called off school. However, I knew they were going to get out early because it was forcast to snow all day.  I also knew that if they got out early, I would not be getting to Curves because #1 I would have kids at home and #2 Cruves would probably close early.  So I made an executive decision to go do my workout before going to work.  I could make up the thirty minutes I missed at work, but I would not get the last workout of my week back if I missed it. 

So, it's good.  It's all good.  I'm even pondering the possibility of adding a fourth workout on weeks that allow the time for it.  But you know what really feels amazing? 

Feeling in control of who I am becoming and that is someone who is comfortable in her own skin.

It's all good!

So!  Robyn's test results came back NEGATIVE!!  I'm still a wee bit miffed that the doctor didn't  call her on Wednesday when he said he would, but at least the extra wait was for good news (not that it made any difference at all for those of us waiting!  Not like it made that 48 hours bearable!).  Thank you to all of you who said prayers or thought good thoughts!

So today, the eNell bras arrived.  I have been like a kid looking forward to Christmas over these things!  I've been tracking them on UPS.com and finally this morning they were out for delivery!  You have to understand...when you are pretty well endowed, working out can be painful without the right support, therefore, my excitement.

They arrived and I promptly bolted upstairs carrying both of them, still in the plastic packaging.  There was going to be no waiting until tomorrow!  I had to test this thing out now.  As the Brit would say, they are "Front loaders" meaning they hook up the front, so I slid this thing on like you would a button up shirt, and was horrified to discover that it really didn't fit!  How on earth was I supposed to get the girls in there?  I was not to be deterred however, and I worked furiously to hook up the ten or fifteen little hook thingys.  Then I stood there and realized that where the girls were supposed to be in that thing, well, they were a bit low.  When I threw my shirt back out, I could clearly see the bunching up of where things were supposed to go and it didn't look good.  Could I exchange them?  Would the eBay seller allow that?

My eye caught sight then of the plastic packaging I had ripped the bra from in my haste to try it on and inside was a bright yellow paper.  Nothing subtle there.  Taking it out, the title screamed at me: PLEASE READ BEFORE TRYING ON.  Yeah, okay.  I way didn't do that.  Taking a seat, I proceeded to read the little yellow paper which started out something like this:

"Your ENELL is not like any other sport bra on the market today. It is going to fit and feel completely different.  Your first reaction may be that your ENELL is too small (yeah, got that right!) but it probably isn't! (I brightened up a bit there).  You are just not used to this much support!"

Then the bright yellow paper starts to get a little personal...

"Your ENELL should feel tight, yet comfortable.  When you have the hook and eye (what, they aren't called thingys?) in hand and before you start to pull to fasten, your hands should be under your breasts, slightly to the outside of the center (gotta love a paper that is telling you how to handle the girls). This is for high impact fit, which is the standard fit."

"Start to hook up your ENELL from the bottom and go up (Right...if I could see the bottom thingy...er, hook and eye, I probably would not need this super industrial bra in the first place), this gets easier with time (let's hope so).  Once you get your ENELL fastened, you need to reach in and adjust your breasts (Excuse me, little yellow paper...are we dating now?) in the bra by pulling them up and out towards the underarm (so now the girls are supposed to be contortionists) so the bra lays flat under the breasts.  The breasts should then be held firmly in the upper/fuller portion of the bra.  Your nipples should rest just below the arch seam (I'm sorry, but the instructions aren't this explicit in self breast exam pamphlets!!)."

But once I had adjusted my world in concordance with the little yellow paper, I can honestly say it is the best bra I have ever had the privilege of wearing.  And yes, we are now dating.