Almost Friday

This week has been almost as long as last week.  I am going to the end of the praise band rehearsal to rehearse two songs Paula, Dave and I are supposed to sing at a UCT (United Commercial Travelers something or other) Saturday night and I don't even want to do that.  Ruth asked us to sing and I have done it every year for  the last few years for her but a few of the people who have been so angry with me are going to be there.  Though not a church event, some of them are members of this organization and with my very real trust issues at the moment I am afraid someone might try to start something.  I almost can't imagine it, but then again, I could not have imagined any of this stuff happening.

I think another part of what has them so much in an uproar is that in my blog post, I had been talking about trying to find a Bible study, when all our church was offering was a study on Lutheranism.  I have been a Lutheran my whole life so I have that down.  I blogged that I "didn't get hung up on denomination" when discussing my desire for a Bible study and I think some of the people got upset thinking I wanted to change our church to a non-denominational church.  Maybe that was the cryptic message I didn't know about.  Like I am so powerful?  I have no desire to change the denomination of the church; I just wasn't interested in a Lutheran study and before I am a Lutheran, I am a Christian.  Period.

I forgot to tell you all in yesterday's post that someone also anonymously called the Bishop's office about the council blowup and maybe the blog post too, I have no idea.  Am I the only one who thinks this thing is being blown up into unbelievable proportions?  Seriously? 

And no, Margaret, though all of this, no one, including the pastor, has offered to pray with me.  That is what you have been doing with me.  No one has offered to sit down to talk to me to try to understand why I do not feel spiritually fulfilled.  No one had any concern for my feelings.  Their only concern is that my feelings did not match theirs. 

The Brit is going to go on Monday night and make nice with the council.  And then resign.  The VP will be delighted to be president, though I no longer see her as any kind of leader.  Leaders don't betray the rest of the council by discussing what they had agreed not to discuss and leaders would not be trash talking a member in a supposed Bible study. 

I am looking at non-denomination churches though I don't want any of the people at my current (or rather ex-) church to know because that would only cause them to "Read between the lines" that I didn't want to be Lutheran.  I am not against being Lutheran, but I would like to worship in a larger congregation.  My experience with a small congregation of late has been less than stellar. 

I did talk to the pastor again today and told him I was taking a break on Sundays.  He is hoping it will not be forever, but I explained that I was not comfortable, no longer trusted a lot of people, and thought that church was a place you were allowed to be confused or broken.  Not a place for people to try to break you.  Huge difference.

Okay, here is the deal

Some serious shit hit the fan a week and a half ago over my blog.  Many of you already know the story, but the fact is that when it comes to my job or the church right now, I can't post there because I don't want anymore crap stirred up (and I will explain all that crap in a moment).  I have another option and that is to pay the extra money (like $122.00 extra over what we already pay for that domain name) to make my godaddy account private.  I don't know if I want to do that.  So you all have received an invitation to this blog and you are the only ones who are permitted to read here.  It is an invitation only blog so none of the freaking trouble makers at the church can see anything I write here.

Here's what happened.  I had a venting post back on September 27th.  I had gone to the church council in August of 2009 to voice my concerns about our pastor and his lack of sermon prep and the fact that he had started a new job with no guidance.  Nothing happened and 14 months later, nothing had still happened.  I was swamped with extra work at the church that was not within my job description because other people no longer wanted to do anything, I was getting nothing spiritually and my frustration had grown for 14 months, so I vented on a blog I pay for.  I did not mention the name of the church or any one's name.  Well, apparently someone at the church saw it, who had been reading there for some time though she never left a comment.  I think I know who it was, but am not sure but I don't have many enemies in there and only one or two people don't like me and let's face it, not everyone is always going to like us.  Anyway, I believe this person put her friend's husband up to presenting a hard copy of that post in the council meeting where The Brit is the president of the council. 

So you can imagine how it all went down.  The VP of the council is, in my opinion, a woman who wants to run everything and doesn't really have a clue as to how to go about it.  But The Brit and the VP cannot stand one another so there were apparently loud voices.  People were threatening to quit and The Brit was told that maybe he should just leave the church.  Yeah, nice.

When he came home and told me all this, I was devastated.  My blog is my diary and for someone...no, people I trusted and had known since high school, to use it as some kind of ammunition against me made me beyond angry and hurt.  Had I plastered the church's name all over the blog or post, that would have been one thing, but the only way people would know the church is 1) if they knew me personally and 2) knew I was writing the blog.  The average Joe Schmo would have no idea.

The next day, Tuesday, the Bible study met at the church.  Now, the Bible study consists of some older folks who don't understand blog or change for that matter.  The pastor had been on vacation, so he was not present and when I was going to the bathroom, I could hear their loud voices trash talking me from the study room.  This is a church for crying out loud! The council VP was the one I heard the loudest, talking about "That crap she wrote..." and I could not bear it.  I am not a confrontational person; in fact I avoid conflict at all costs, but I walked into that room and confronted all of them.  What that basically boiled down to was them making it very clear that not only was I wrong about his sermons not being good, but that if I thought they were bad or that they didn't reach me, was a character flaw on my part. There was reference made to how mad The Brit had been at the meeting and I told them that I don't know what transpired but if he had felt his wife being attacked....the VP interrupted me and said "He reacted exactly the way he should have."  Remember that point, it will come up later.

I left that meeting upset and still angry.  The council had elected to allow a cooling off period after Monday night's meeting and they would reconvene in a week, but no one was to discuss it until then and that was exactly what these six were doing in that "Bible study".  And three of them were not even on the council!  Granted, two of them had told their spouses and I do not fault them for that, but the other woman was no one's spouse and she was one of the nastiest ones to me that day in that room.

Wednesday was uneventful but Thursday the VP came in to see me.  She was actually nice. She said she wanted me to attend the council meeting Monday night to present my position (on my personal blog where I mentioned no names) and that though she did not agree with me about the pastor, she could sort of see my side.  She felt my blog post was a "cry for help" and she was going to try to help me.  Honey, it was a venting post, period.  Let's stop reading so much into it, shall we? 

At the end of our conversation, she told me she was also going to invite the pastor on Monday and that floored me.  I told her that would not be uncomfortable AT ALL and that if the purpose of the newly forming Mutual Ministry committee was NOT to have someone with complaints or concerns sitting face to face with the pastor, why on earth would she put me in that position on Monday?  She said she would have to pray about it and think about it.

Friday, the man who threw me under the bus came in and sort of apologized, saying he probably just should have spoken to me to begin with.  His concern was that it seemed I had blogged on church time (Both The Brit and I tried to explain the timestamp to him but he is old and doesn't get it.  Of course, I asked him point blank that if that were really his issue, he would have chosen a different post to bring into the council.

Went to church on Sunday and I was tense.  The VP and her kid were the only two of the trash talkers at my service, but the only reason I had gone at all was because Pastor Phil was there filling in for our pastor.  So at the very least, I got a great sermon and a wonderful potential last memory of this church.

Monday, the council met again and though things were more civil, it was still tense.  The pastor was not there but I knew he was at the prison ministry so I had no idea if the VP had told him or not.  Two people resigned from the council, one being the throwing me under the bus guy.  The VP had a go at The Brit, saying that his loss of composure the previous Monday made her feel unsafe (but remember, he acted just as he should have given the situation).  The Brit felt she expected him to resign after her tirade but it didn't happen. 

Tuesday of this week was the infamous Bible study and it was very quiet down the hall and I knew damn well The Brit and I were again the topic.  Again, the VP had stated in the meeting the night before, that this would  not be discussed with the pastor until after the Mutual Ministry committee had met on Thursday and again, she lied.  The Bible study was still there when I left and they are usually gone long before me.

Today, after a sleepless night, I went to work and the pastor asked to speak to me.  Actually, it was the best conversation I'd had about this since it started.  He wasn't upset with me; said he wished I had come to talk to him about my discontent with the church.  I explained it felt awkward because I was an employee.  He is holding a meeting on Monday with the council to try to right things.

So, here is where I am.  I am church and job hunting.  Minimally, I need a cooling off period from this church.  I feel they treated me badly and unfairly.  The VP, as far as I am concerned is corrupt or at the very least, two-faced as hell.  Some of the others will never let this go as they have not let go of the church split five years ago.  So I highly doubt they will let go of this one anytime soon.  Giving up the youth and the praise band feels next to impossible, but again, I have done a lot for this church and for them to pull this crap is beyond hurtful to me.  We have freedom of speech in this country.  Had I plastered the church name all over the blog, it would have been different,but I didn't do that. 

The other problem with the job is that we are so far over budget that the only thing left to cut is salaries and my job could be done by a volunteer.  I think unless things pick up, a volunteer secretary is only a matter of time.  So, anyone hiring?

I feel as if I have been on the worst roller coaster of my life.  About the time I felt better after talking to the pastor today, The Brit got upset about the two-faced VP talking to the pastor and is threatening not to go to the meeting on Monday and resigning from council.  I don't care if he resigns from council, but I want him to end it peacefully, if for no other reason, that I have to continue to walk in those doors until a new job opportunity presents itself.

So, there you have it.  I could not think of anything worthwhile to post on the other blog while all this was stewing around in my mind and I had to come up with a solution to vent it.  This works.  Once I am no longer working there, I can write what I please on the other blog and not have to worry about it.  Until then, I have to speak of this subject here.

Churches are not supposed to act this way.  I have felt as if I am being led to slaughter for having a different opinion than the Forces that Be.  Maybe I shouldn't have written it but honestly, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this.  If anything, I would think if there was concern, it should have been for me and how I was feeling.  Instead it was a stealth attack by people I trusted and have for years.  But no more.  I doubt I will ever trust them again.

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Governed by His Providence

"But He saith unto them, It is I; be not afraid." John 6:20

When storms come into your life, I want you to remember this truth: "I am governed by His providence."

The storm did not take the wave walker, the Lord Jesus, by surprise. As a matter of fact, the Bible says He's the one that "commandeth and raiseth stormy seas." (Psalm 107:25)

Perhaps you're in the eye of a storm right now. It looks like your boat is sinking. Maybe it's so dark you can't see your hand before your face. I want you to know there is nothing that comes to you that He does not either cause or allow. Whether I can see it or not, whether I can understand it or not, it is a fact that God has not relinquished His rule upon His universe.

Read Matthew 8:23-27. Does Jesus see the storm in your life? Bow before the One, the only One, who can calm your storm. Trust His ways. He's in control.

Answered

There are times when we are in the midst of situations that God gives us amazing gifts.�



Way back when I was in my early twenties, I was running around with a bunch of theater friends, two of my closest being Ray and Dawn.� We were all theater fanatics and did shows together, took trips to NYC together and hung out at each other's homes together.�



Our favorite musical was "Les Miserables" and we all shared a passion for our favorite character, Eponine. I remember cruising the Dual with these two, as we belted out show tunes (I mean, seriously, how cool were we?).� We talked of our dreams and desires, our families and friends.� Dawn had lost her mother at a very early age and was raised by her dad and her grandfather and she in turn helped to raise her younger sister.



During the years of our friendship, Dawn went to DC to audition for the touring company of "Les Miserables" and was cast as Eponine.� I had the amazing experience of getting to see her perform the role not only on tour but on Broadway.� While we visited her in NYC, she and I went to see "Rent" and because Dawn knew they held seats for family and friends of the performers that they released at the last minute if they were not accounted for, we�would up second row center.



As far as I can remember that was the last time I saw her.� She continued touring, and through Ray, I heard she met a man and got married.� They moved to Toronto and were working for Disney on tour with "The Lion King".� I have thought about her often and the great times we shared.� She is one of those people I knew I would never forget but life takes people in different directions all the time and this was one of those times.



Today, I had to run out to Big Lots for cat litter.� I was not in the mood to go and even thought about putting it off until tomorrow, but talked myself into going.� As I got out of my car, I saw a woman walking ahead of me and I thought "Wow, she looks a lot like Dawn." but I immediately dismissed it as Dawn lived in Canada.� But when I followed her inside and she stopped to look at a furniture item, she was more facing me and I was unable to help myself.



"Dawn?"



"Kim!� Oh my God!"



We hugged for forever!� And then stood and talked for an hour.� Her father had passed away in July and she had been here since as executor of his estate.� We planned a tentative lunch date before she leaves in three weeks to join her husband and "The Lion�King".



I have prayed for Dawn for years; one of those special people that always remained on my heart.� God always knows what we need when we need it.� Today was truly a gift, but then every day is.

Holiday's Schmoliday's: Guest Blogger Jimnotmike

I've been think a lot about your post concerning the upcoming Holiday Season. I agree (I know...imagine that!) with pretty much all of it. I hate what the Christmas Season has become. I hate that expectations have become so high in terms of gift giving. I hate that people suddenly go crazy in stores over a stuffed animal. I hate that kids who used to be happy with a doll or action figure now require $100 sneakers or a $300 iPod. I hate having to get lists from people of what they want, and simply can't live without.

So I've made a decision. This year I vow to buy nothing as a gift that is packaged or complete in any way, shape, or form. This is going to be my year of the "created" present. I've done bits and pieces of this in the past, but never in it's entirety. No one will receive a gift from me in a blister pack, nothing that I had to fight tooth and nail over in a toy store. I am determined to not even step foot into a mall or shopping center. I'm a creative person with skills. Certainly I can come up with something to satisfy the folks on my gift list. If not, if they aren't satisfied I don't care. The way I see it, giving a gift isn't about satisfying the recipients needs, wants and desires. It's about satisfying my desire to give. If people don't like what I've given, they can smile, say "thank you" and trash it if they want. Heck, they can turn around and regift it if it offends them so much. I believe, and have been given enough sucky presents to know that it is the thought that counts.

I know the first thing everyone is going to say is, "But I have children!" Well, that's great and all...but what message does it send to our youth, and how can one expect the Holiday to ever mean something if we don't start with the children to change it. Otherwise it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy that the Christmas Season will always be the horribly commercialized piece of crap that it's become.

So, I dare everyone who is reading this to follow me. Throw out the wish lists and the shopping lists. Corral your talents. Find what it is you do well and find a way to turn that into a gift. Food, crafts, chore coupons, I don't know a mother on this planet that wouldn't love to get a chore coupon book to redeem from her children whenever the mood strikes her. I don't know a single person who can't bake, or cook or isn't crafty in some way. (Ok, my friend Scott...but even he has skills of some kind, I'm sure). Your children won't hate you, your relatives won't think less of you, you aren't going to be stoned in the town square. In fact, you might find a few people who are quite envious of what you have managed to accomplish. That is my hope. I hope that if I can do this, if I can pull this off, that more and more people will make the effort. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid enough to think that my decision and challenge is going to change the world. All I can hope is that it changes my world...for the better. Or at the very least, for the not so holiday crappy.

Thursday 13: My Personal Trainer Routine

Due to recent confusion, I have completely taken the time feature from my posts.� I can still set them up to post whenever I want, but the time is not going to show up at all.� I am not sure people really understand how it works and it has caused problems it never needed to cause.� So going forward, it will no longer show up.� I wish I had realized I could have changed it as I never had it there for any reason; it was the default and I never gave it a second thought.� So it is Wednesday night and I am doing my TT for Thursday because tomorrow is going to be busy and I won't have time to blog.



So, I am going to attempt to outline the stuff Sonia has me doing and there may be more than 13.� Just not sure so we will see how it goes.



1. Arrive and warm up on either the elliptical or the treadmill.� I do intervals, so if I am on the elliptical, I do two minutes at an 8 resistance keeping my strides between 165-175 for the two minutes.� Then for one minute, I recover and go slower, before doing another fast two minutes.� It really gets my heart rate up!



2. From there it is grab a 6 pound medicine ball and holding it in front of me, I thrust it forward each time I do 12 squats on the right.� Then 12 more on the left.� Then 12 more alternating right and left.� Not sure what hurts more; my thighs or my shoulders when I am finished.







3. Elliptical again.� Same as #1



4. Using stretchy bands, which are attached to the wall, I take one into my right hand and back away with it until the band is taut.� The hand holding the band is extended and then as I pull the band to me, another squat...12 of them with the band in my right hand, 12 with it in my left, and then 12 holding two bands, one in each hand.







5. Treadmill intervals for 5 minutes.� Run on a 1% incline at a 4.0 for two minutes.� Recover for one minute at a 3.0, repeat the 4.0.



6. Chest press with 12.5 pound weights.� Lying on a weight bench, palms holding the weight pointed to the ceiling...lift weights up to touch in the middle...repeat 12 times.







7. Scissors.� Sitting on the end of the weight bench, arms holding the bench behind me, do scissor kicks for a count of 12...4 kicks per set.



8. Repeat both 6 and 7.



9. Pushups on a medicine ball 12 times.� I suck at these but they are starting to get a tiny bit easier.







10. I actually forgot one and don't want to renumber.� Number one should be using the leg extender in the circuit training set for 50 pounds.� Lift 12 times.� I also have realized there will be more than 13�things.



11. Again with the 12.5 weights, arm curls.� Sitting on a weight bench, drop left arm so elbow is resting against the inside of left thigh.� Weight starts with arm fully extended down and then for 12 curl weight up.� Repeat on right side and then repeat both sides again.







12. Rowing machine for 5 minutes...again, two minutes fast, one minute recover, repeat.



13. With ten pound weights, stand with weights at shoulder length, palms forward.� As I do a right step squat, extend right hand holding weight up towards ceiling.� Do this for 12 and repeat on left side.







14.� Again with ten pound weights, hands at sides, right and left squats with arm curls for 12 each side, total of 24.







15. Stability ball thing...using a large stability ball, lie on back on the floor.� Holding the ball in hands, extend hands back behind head and then lift it to pass it through to my legs.� Lower legs to floor, holding ball, and then bring legs and ball back up to pass ball back to hands.�Again, 12 times.� This does not look difficult.� Try it.� It kicks my butt.







16. Repeat steps 2-16 again.� Seriously.

 

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Strength and Peace

My sister in law sent me a quote the other night that is great opening for this post and my thoughts today.



"Every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side. ~ "

Barbara Kingsolver



We all get thrown into things in life we not only do not expect but do not deserve.� It has happened to all of us at one time or another and the only thing we can control is how we handle ourselves.� We cannot be responsible for anyone else.



Through life, I have learned a few things and often with each challenge that I find myself in during my journey, these things come to light once more.� The older I get, the more ingrained they become and the quicker I can recognize them as truth. I am left in awe about how some things God gives us directly and how other things, He simply gives us the ability to do it for ourselves.



Last night at kickboxing, I relieved some stress and it was amazing.� I say that because I felt incredibly stronger as the hour progressed.� My body was strong and sure, my combination by the end was 100% accurate.� My kicks were strong and my punches tight and controlled.� What I realized is that when I feel strong of body, I feel strong in other aspects of my life as well.



Today, I did my new personal trainer workout and last night's strength of body continued.� I was drenched in sweat but felt amazing and I found myself connecting with several songs blasting through my headphones.



"What have you done today to make you feel proud?"



Everything.� I try to approach all aspects of my life by giving my all.� Whether it be at work, at home, at the gym,�working with my kids on homework.� I try very hard not to do things halfway, to be thorough and to depart from whatever my task is with a clear conscience knowing it was a job well done.� There is no point in doing anything if you are not willing to do it well.



"When you're soarin' through the air, I'll be your solid ground"



I am constantly reminded of my amazing friends, family and extended family.� Those who truly know me, my ethics, my dreams, my goals.� Your support in words and prayers are something I am forever thankful for.� Every year you are all in my life, I appreciate you more.



Last night as I pulled up to the Y for kickboxing, I heard a song on Sirius "The Message", my station of choice all the time, that I had not heard in a year or so.� But it was a song I loved that always seems to turn up for when life is hard.� You can say it is a coincidence but I don't believe in those.

�

Well, sometimes my life

Just don�t make sense at all

When the mountains look so big

And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark

It�s so hot inside my soul

I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don�t come natural to me

I�d rather fight You for something

I don�t really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I�ve beat my head against so many walls

Now I�m falling down, I�m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band

Is playing this hymn

And Your grace rings out so deep

It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory

Won�t You be my Prince of Peace



Thank you for that one, God.� And to sum up that last thought, when I left the Y today, I had a text from my sister in law that said "Praying God's blessing upon you today.� May you feel the peace of God and His love surround you."



My sister in law, my sister in Christ, who so understands my heart...He has given me His peace.





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