Weighty Matter

Today on Crazy Aunt Purl's blog, she talked about weight issues and hit it all right on the mark for me; she said so much of what I have been thinking...such as I simply cannot go on another diet and changing my eating habits for life is simply the only answer.  I'm reading books right now to learn how to do that as well as trying to deal with the reason I have always had a weight problem to begin with. 

I'm fairly sure I know where it all stems from: protection. 

Starting from when I was very young up until my late teens years I had unwanted attention from the opposite sex.  I was thin until about the age of 7, and after a childhood trauma, I started putting on some pounds.  I was the only child in my elementary school class who was always on a diet.  When I got to high school, I took off my weight by dieting yet again.  Every day for lunch I would eat a vanilla non-fat yogurt, a hard boiled egg and a small can of pear nectar.  Every night after dinner, I was down in my basement doing aerobics.  The weight came off and after graduation, I moved to New York.  While I was there I was nearly raped, due to the stupidity of my roomate.  Thankfully, the guy was scared off by a passing patrol car, but the damage was already done for me. 

Being thin meant having unwanted attention.  I remember a couple of years after the New York incident, I was safely back in my home town and went out to a country bar one night with a friend.  A man asked me to dance, and though I didn't want to, I think I was even more afraid of disappointing anyone.  The whole time I danced with him, I cried silent tears because I was so uncomfortable and so afraid.  When the dance was over, the guy obviously thought I was a freak, but I didn't care.  I had never asked for nor invited his attention.

As the years went by, I gained a few pounds a year and finally seemed to stay at one weight for awhile.  I was constantly dieting; yo-yo-ing again and again.   I met the Brit over the internet, so that seemed pretty safe to me, until he came over here.  I was incredibly nervous the day we met and though we hit it off immediately (obviously) I still had some issues to work through in the early days of our relationship.  

So, though I have gotten past some of the issues surrounding my weight problems, they obviously still remain.  I still don't desire unwanted attention from men and food is still what I comfort myself with when I am stressed or unhappy.  Well, let's be honest, I also eat to celebrate and when I'm bored too.  But I'm trying to work through it and to form a new relationship with food by finding healthy recipes.  Now that all the Christmas goodies are out of the house, it is getting easier thankfully, but I still have a long way to go.

I would just very much like to live the second part of my life healthier than I lived the first half.  There are things I want to do one day before I die and I need to be healthy to do them (notice, I am no longer saying "I need to be thin".  It's all about "healthy" now).  

I'll keep ya'll posted as to how it is all turning out.