Kindness and Understanding that Have Your Back

Today we were taken in as members of our new church.  It was good; really good and it felt very right.

This morning before church I posted on the "evil" (as some of my friends refer to it, Facebook, something that said " is becoming an official member of "Name of church" this morning!"

I got a few nice comments, some congratulations and then this comment from a woman who was the wife of one of my former church's short lived pastors because he had much greater issues:


"Wow.  So soon...."


I was kind of angry about it.  I wanted to rant at her that this change in churches had been at least two years coming, but yet I didn't want to sound snarky nor did I want to offend any of my Facebook friends who still attended the former church.  So, I settled on "It has actually officially been four months and when it feels right, it feels right."


I wasn't entirely happy with that answer, but I chose the high road.  I felt she was judging me, like I had made a rash decision in my leaving the former church, but I tried to let it go.  Somehow it still diminished my mood somewhat and made me wonder if other people felt I was acting in a brash manner.


But a few minutes ago I got another comment from my new music director at my new church, who also coordinates my contemporary service there.  Her words were simple:


"We are so blessed to have you."


She didn't need to say anything else.  My guess is that based on the other woman's comment and my defense to it, she "got it" and spoke out her feelings and there was no need for anything else to be said.




God reminded me through her, that the battle isn't mine and I don't need to sweat the small stuff, because He has it for me.

The Broken Routine

For some reason when my schedule is turned on its ear, so is my eating.  This week has been about ice, a sick kid and a traveling husband and though my eating has not been horrible it has been far from stellar.  I need to get back to tracking my points because it worked and sadly, back to cooking instead of off the cuff dinners.  We have had Subway (not awful; half a turkey sub on whole wheat) and tonight was freaking pizza (two slices).  And damn that Jimnotmike and showing me those mini Reese PB cups because I bought a pack of them but no more.I have however not had a Twizzler or orange slice in weeks!  Today my allergies were in high swing for some reason and I spent the majority of the day sneezing so my plan to run on the treadmill fell through as not even allergy meds were helping me.  I turned down two lunch invites this week because The Lawyer was sick, so there has also been minimal adult conversation this week, which I find hardest of all.  I miss conversation with friends and the husband when he is not watching television.  It has just been kind of a lonely week.  

Last night brought insomnia at 4:00 am that had me awake and that always affects food intake for me the next day.  My resistance feels down with lack of sleep.  So I am looking forward to getting back on track again.  Always a struggle and always will be I suppose as long as I am on this earth.  

Kid free weekend starting tomorrow evening and after being in kidville all week, I am more than ready.  The Genius decided to try crap on me tonight with insisting he had no schoolwork to work on when he knows that is not an option.  He has an implemented study time every night and has for months beings he enjoys getting Ds and not turning in work. So after attitude from him and me informing him he could either study or go to bed, suddenly homework materialized out of the heavens apparently.

It has just been that kind of week.

Past My Bedtime and Forgot to Blog!

Good grief, days can get away from me!

I had to take The Lawyer to the doctor today and he has strep (strept? which is it?) throat, so he is now on antibiotics.  Then there was waiting for Deyse to come online to chat amidst laundry, vacuuming and some other chores, then kickboxing, home and dinner, The Biggest Loser, tending to my farm and city on Facebook games, posting something elsewhere (don't ask, I don't tell)and I finally thought my headache and I could go to bed, but NOOOO .  I forgot to blog!

I think I am becoming addicted to my classes at the Y.  I love the class setting and the fun of these classes.  It beats a lone workout any day and I am really excited for the new Rumba class on Friday (Hey Brit, grabbing a class this Friday.  All right?  All right).  I have convinced Laura from my kickboxing class to come and sample it with me so I have company.  I think I almost had my kickboxing GBC convinced as well but it doesn't start till 7:00 and though he works here, he lives 20 miles away.  Bummer but I am still really excited about this class.

And there really needs to be no ice and school tomorrow!

Eh

Is that not an exciting title?

People are dying.  More specifically, my friend's parents are dying.  I suppose it is all remnant of where I am in life right now and though I don't get hung up on age, it is still hard to know that my friends and I are probably entering the season of losing some people close to us.  

Anyway, this Monday started out with a bang!  A Brit leaving for Atlanta (and they canceled his first flight and lost his luggage on the second flight), The Lawyer home sick from school and an ice storm on the way. If we are going to get this crap, I want enough of it that I don't have to go into work tomorrow, otherwise, don't waste my time.

Did get to Zumba tonight and I must say, I am loving this class more and more.  Now, the cute latino boy in training is starting his own Rumba class this Friday from 7-8 and I so want to sneak out and go!  He did the last two songs tonight and SO. MUCH. FUN.  Kickboxing is a major workout, Zumba and Rumba cause me to work up a good sweat and they make me laugh and at times even feel graceful.  Just pure fun and workouts should be pure fun now and then!

Quickly...

It's late and there is a buttload of snow out there and I have spent most of the night chatting and laughing (thank goodness!) with Deyse on MSN over silly Cityville which she is holding a virtual gun to my head to make me play against my will.

But...

I wanted to thank you all for the things you said.  Do I believe all of them?  I want to but things take time for me.  I have opinions of myself that are not easily changed.  And no, I don't want to be a famous actor (though it would be nice and there was a time in my life that was the only thing I wanted to be) but I did always want to do something that mattered...as a career and I'm not there.  Yes, there is still time.  I still want to write and am constantly working on that horrible little negative creature that sits on my shoulder and tells me how impossible it is.  

But...

You never know.  But again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  I think in light of recent events, especially at the church, I have been questioning my worth a bit maybe.  When I bust my ass for five years filling in with anything and everything that needs to be done and then have those same people I helped turn on me because I had issues with the pastor that I blogged about on a space I paid for, it is really hard not to wonder where I screwed up to allow people to feel they had the right to do those things. I'm sure that whole situation is somewhere in the mess that has been my emotions the last few weeks.

But again, thank you.  Love you all, truly.

The Truth of the Matter

I have been in a terrible funk.  I am going to do my best to be as honest as I can without sounding like a complete freak show.  

It all started with this post.  JD's death hit me really hard; some of the reasons I understood and some of the reasons I didn't start to realize until today. John was to me what Kevin Spacey is to Strat.  He seemed like an all round nice southern guy.  I have read chat transcripts where he took the time to log on and chat with members of an on-line website dedicated to him, and he was gracious, a bit shy, extremely humble and almost embarrassed by the praise people gave him and the show.  He genuinely was thankful for being part of something as important as a show where the message each week was "God loves you."

So I have mourned terribly for him the last two weeks, almost to the point of it being incomprehensible to me.  Today, I broke down into tears after reading a discussion where he said his two favorite Broadway shows were "Rent and Les Mis."  They are also my favorites.  I think had we ever met we would have been fast friends and I am determined we will be BFFs in Heaven.   I just felt some kind of connection to him; can't explain it.  Just did.

But they say tears are cathartic and sometimes they bring some clarity.  But they brought clarity in the way of part of the reason this has affected me so deeply, and there is more than one reason.  

John was 47 years old and he died of a heart attack, and was apparently alone when he died.  This bothers me a lot but beside that, I have friends and family that are 47 and 48 and 49, some in good health, some not.  If someone can drop dead of a heart attack at 47, and I know they can and people younger than that have too, then how long before something like this hits really close to home and if I am having trouble handling this one I cannot imagine it really hitting me close to home. This is why I worry about people's health so much.  Being 47 or 48 or 49, you have a lot of life left to live or you should.  But people have to take care of themselves to make the most of the time they have.  Negligence with health can make all the difference in the world.  And you know what?  Maybe it is selfish on my part, but I don't want to lose the ones I love before their time because of things that could be avoided.

Here's the other part that is bothering me.  I have been thinking about this actor and thinking about what he accomplished before he died.  I don't consider him just an actor.  There are a lot of actors who make contributions to film and screen by their talent alone.  But being a part of show that spreads the message of God's love to millions of viewers every week?  For a Christian, that is huge.  Read comments on articles about him since he died.  People are saying how the show changed their lives, how they turned it on the first time during the darkest moment of their lives, how the show, and his character Andrew, especially, helped them to not be afraid to die.  Was it based on fact?  Who knows, but if it helps in life, who cares?  It was important.  He also worked with AIDS charities and the Make a Wish Foundation.  He accomplished so much.

So, here I am, 44 years old and what is my contribution to society?  The problem is that I have always wanted to be someone who made a difference.  I want to do something greater than myself or something.  Okay, so I adopted two kids.  I believe I am a mediocre mother.  Yes, I try to teach them values and I try to introduce them to new things and places that they may otherwise not have known if we had not adopted them.  But I don't feel I have enough patience.  I can be overly critical.  I breath a giant sigh of relief when they have an overnight at grandma's over the weekend.  A lot of people tell me all parents feel that way from time to time and I'm sure they are right, but it doesn't make me sit back and think"I am a good mom."

I'm an okay wife.  Probably not as affectionate as I could be and I don't know why that is.  I get caught up in what I am doing and sometimes don't want to stop to do something different. I don't contribute much financially to the household.  I never finished college because God did not give me scholastic ambition.  So  I currently work at a place where people hate me because I wanted things to be different and am looking for another two bit job that is not going to make an impact on society in any way.  

I just wanted life to be different in some way.  I would not trade my family for anything so no one think it has anything to do with that.  I just want to be good at something that matters.  It is what I have a heart for but have no idea where to begin or what to do.  John's death reminded me that the clock is ticking on my own life too.  Who am I inspiring?  Whose life am I helping to change?  What am I doing to make a positive impact on the world? 

Maybe I just need another good cry.

Highs and Lows

I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions lately.  Just many different emotions at many different times, whether it be anger, joy, sadness, etc.  Got 'em all!

The Highs:

I lost four pounds on my first week on Weight Watchers.  That was a good thing.  I am also total PMSing so it could have even been better were I not retaining the world right now.  But I can't dwell there as such is life.  The program is really easy to use and beings I would rather eat poo than count calories, it totally works for me...at least for the moment.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Church is still rocking.  E and I went to the women's Bible study last night and had a great time.  The group is small, there were only five of us, but the ladies are friendly and honest and a little off kilter like E and I are.  I think it will be a good fit.  The whole new church experience has been a good fit.  

I won a book today.  WaterBrook Multnomah, a Division of Random House had a contest last week where they were giving away copies of books.  There were about ten new books and if you were one of the first ten to request a particular copy, and you told them why you wanted to read it, you won a copy of the book.  Today, they told me I won a copy. I was thrilled as I rarely win anything.

I have a job interview tomorrow at the spa/salon that Strat told me about.  Think lots of good thoughts and prayers please.  I am longing to get out of the church.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Zumba tonight was awesome.  There is a  young latino guy in our class, probably in his twenties who may be training to be a Zumba instructor.  He got to lead the last song and it was wicked fun.  The thing about this kid is the sheer joy that radiates from his face all the time.  So cute and so happy and it was just an awesome way to end the evening.

The Lows:

There are moments being at the old church working really bums me out.  Only moments.  But the moments are heavy ones.  Today a guy I have known for a really long time, who attended the second service, came into the office.  They needed something out of the shed.  Now, let me say that I have not broadcast to anyone what happened there or even that I am no longer there.   I assume my absence is now common knowledge however.  So this guy and his wife came into my office and he said to me "I need a hug from you."

So I  hugged him and he went on to tell me how upset he was that I was no longer there. He said that I was the one person he knew for a fact loved that church and would do anything for it.  I explained a little of what happened, not implicating anyone.  He wished me well and hoped that things changed one day.  So there was a great testimony sort of to the things I did there and then on the other side of that spectrum is the evil VP who refuses to even acknowledge my work in 2010 in her letter to the congregation.  

There is another bit of sadness that lingers with me that only one person in the entire world understands and that is my Brazilian friend, Deyse.  We share different things with different friends and even if I attempted to explain it here, no one would truly understand.  Only Deyse.  So we struggle together with this one in ways that sometimes we don't even understand, but it is still nice to have someone to share it with.  

On a good note with Deyse, she may be coming to the USA at the end of this year and DC is one of her destinations and if it happens I am there!  For like eight years now,  I have had an adopted Brazilian sister and one of these days I am going to meet her.  And then one day, I plan on going to Rio to see her as Brazil is on my bucket list anyway!