Reversed Feelings

There are moments when I get completely overwhelmed.  

When I really and truly think about the things I will have to change, most importantly, how I relate to food, it can be a little daunting.  I know I can do it; I'm prepared to do it, but it doesn't help make the unknown any less scary. 

But when those moments arise, there are other things I can start to think about that make me resolve all the more to be a success with this tool.  There are times when I feel like I am desensitized to my weight.  When walking through a crowd of strangers, I never look them in the eye.  I don't look down or anything but rather look past them, not giving anyone a chance to hurt me with an expression or a word.  This has become almost second nature to me now as I have been doing it most of my adult life.  But the reason I started doing it was because of those times in my youth and younger adult life, when someone did say something to hurt me.  It became a defense mechanism because sometimes it was the people that didn't know me at all, who could say the worst things and I never thought it was fair.  They knew nothing of me or my struggles.  They didn't know that I was good person with a strong faith, that I loved animals and theater...they just looked at me and chose to say something cruel.

In reality, it really shouldn't have mattered; some people are just ignorant and hurtful and shallow.  But also in reality, it did hurt to have someone point out what I have always perceived to be my biggest shame, my largest fault.  So not making eye contact with strangers hopefully gives me a pseudo air of self confidence.  I don't feel it, but maybe the strangers do to an extent. 

My weight has always been such a hard thing for me.  I was always the largest of all my friends, even in elementary school.  The broken bones I've had, I blame on my weight.  When someone doesn't like me, I blame it on my weight.  Now, that may not be the real reason, but weight has always been the reason for someone to make fun of me, so it always made sense it would also be the reason someone didn't like me. 

I've spent so many years not being able to do things I so want to do....take my kids to amusement parks and be able to fit in all the rides, travel comfortably on an airplane, go camping, dive off the back of our boat without the fear of how in the hell am I going to get back on board, sit on the floor, have energy and not so many aches and pains, work harder at photography by having the agility to capture certain shots that need to be done on the ground, really garden in my back yard. 

The list is endless.

And never being able to do those things?  That is really scary and overwhelming.