Three Am

 Three Am has always been the time I wake up when I'm anxious.

When things are going smoothly and I have nothing major to concern myself with, I sleep straight through the night, only occasionally waking up not long before the alarm goes off in the morning.  But give me a hearty dose of anxiety and Hello Three Am!

The last three nights, I have seen this time and it seemed right around the time that I was looking at only a month (and now less) till surgery.  I, thankfully, so far, do not lie awake the rest of the night and instead am able to fall asleep again until morning.  I have a feeling that the closer we get, the less that may be true.

My mother is not helping things.  Everytime she calls me, I get the "Are you okay?"

"Yes, mom, I'm fine."

"You're all right?"

"Yup, everything is fine."

"You're not feeling anxious?"

Now, hold on a second.  What does she want me to say?  The answer to the question is of course, "YES!" Hell yes, I'm feeling anxious!  I'm going to go in for surgery, rewire my plumbing, making my stomach about the size of an egg, so yeah, I'm a wee bit nervous.  Is this normal? Yup!  Even as a pre-op, I know this.  My two colonoscopies made me nervous; cried before the first one, I did because I was so scared.  The unknown is scary! 

But I almost feel like she is pumping me for something.  Second thoughts?  Sorry, I don't have any.  Or does she maybe think I'm mentally imbalanced because I'm not a shivering, weeping heap on the floor, unable to function due to fear.

I know she is feeling anxious, I get that, but I'm not so much about wanting her anxiety heaped onto me.  I have my own to deal with and let's be realistic, if I told her about the things that run through my head at three am, it wouldn't do a whole lot to improve her anxiety.  My own concerns are about all I can handle right now, thank you very much and I'm not trying to be nasty or selfish, but honest.  Talk to each other about any concerns you may have, but please, not to me.  I know all the risks, all the possible complications and I have weighed them all and this is the right decision for me.  I am going forward with this and I am trusting God that it will all be fine.  I told him right from the start that if he brought me to surgery, I trusted him to bring me through it.  Well, so far, he is bringing me to it, so now, I'm holding up my end of the bargain. 

I do want to so thank Kim, Lacy and Meghan for everything.  These three girls have been a God-send; they, the ones who have gone before me on this amazing journey.  They have answered my questions, and cheered me on and I thank God for bringing them into my bloggy life.  I know they will continue to be a wealth of information and inspiration as God always knows exactly what we need.