The But

Okay, so my hell week is officially starting.  Bus driving class from 8-1, then on to the church, then home and trying to work in cooking dinner and a workout.  I don't want to be insane and try to hit the gym five days, so my plan is Monday to run, Tuesday for kickboxing (Michael, I miss you and your butt kicking), take Wednesday and maybe Thursday off, and then run on Friday.  I am hoping one of these nights, The Brit will text me with this message "I am picking up a pizza at Dolces on my way home."  Okay, so that is kind of an "in your face" subliminal message, so I'll let you know how that works out.  I have been craving a slice of pizza from there dipped in some ranch dressing....yum.

I was spending some time this weekend reading Jen's blog over at Prior Fat Girl .  I like Jen's blog a lot as long as I overlook her occasional comment about WLS being a quick fix (Don't I wish that were true), but Jen has lost over 100 pounds with diet and exercise alone.  She is also in her twenties when weight loss is a bit easier than in your forties and what I don't think she understands, is that my life is a lot like hers with food and exercise.  But anyway, she is definitely worth the read and she is very motivating.   Anyway, I ran across something Jillian Michaels said that she had posted on her blog and upon reading this, I realized how guilty I am of this very thing.  In fact, I do it ALL THE TIME. 

The quote:

When I told Jillian how much weight I've lost, she congratulated me. And then (as I always do), I added, "But I still have a long way to go." "Stop," she said. "What does that do," she said, "apart from negate everything you've already accomplished? You're being self-deprecating and disempowering, and that doesn't serve anyone-and especially not you. Be proud of what you've done for yourself."

I received two compliments today alone about my weight loss and to both my answer was exactly that, "I have a long way to go."  I'm really trying to work out why just saying "Thank you.  I've worked really hard." is so difficult for me.  Even now as I write this, I have nothing profound to say as far as why this is an issue for me. 

Compliments growing up were often left-handed from my point of view.  "You have such a pretty face" was always a knife going through me that basically said "You have nice facial features, so too bad you are so fat."  My uncle once told my mother, "If she would just lose that weight, she would be unstoppable."  Now, even though I have accomplished a lot of things in my life, even before losing weight, the weight was still what was being seen; it was the thing that apparently, from his point of view, made me fall short of my full potential. 

There was always a "But", even if it was unspoken.  The thought was there.  Everyone uses "She has such a pretty face" to describe a fat girl.  An idiot director I once had in theater, who decided I could not be in Godspell because of the scene where the disciples had to pretend to be sheep.  He felt I was too fat to full that off, even though I was in my twenties, way smaller than I was at my highest weight and sang the pants out of my audition.  His "But" was "I can't imagine having a show without hearing your voice singing, even if from off stage." ....but you are too fat to be on stage for this production.


So maybe the "But" is so ingrained in me that I now do it myself to save others the trouble of doing it for me in that unspoken-but-may-as-well-be-screamed way I grew up believing always existed.  My head tells me that now when someone comments on how I look, they mean it as a genuine compliment, but the "But" that was written on my soul from a young age, automatically vocalizes "But I still have a long ways to go."  Maybe I don't really believe the comment was warranted.  Maybe I, at times, only see how far I still have to go other than seeing where I came from.

With that being said, I feel like I am talking out of both sides of my face when I write about it not being about weight but about health.  It is about health...but apparently I still have to work on my mental health where my weight and body image is concerned.  Health is hard stuff.  It's not all about body and it's not all about mind and it's not all about relationships.  It's about all of it combined and trying to find balance.  Guess that's why it is a marathon and not a sprint.