Some Days I Just Feel Like I am Near the End of the Rope

I am not even sure exactly where my problem lies.� Yesterday was difficult.� The sutures came out of my mother's face and ear and of course, the ear was very painful.� Then there was a hematoma in her ear that they had to drain which caused her to about come out of the chair, crying etc.� That kind of stuff is really hard for me to deal with.� As my sister-in-law would say "It is not one of my spiritual gifts."� Definitely not.� So since the ear draining, she has been upset all over again and now she knows she has a second and final thirty minute surgery on February 1st.� Add to that my wonderful brother's lack of ability to give a rat's ass and my mother's instance now over the phone that there is cotton in her ear and can I come over this afternoon to look and I am on the verge of tears myself.� I have not seen my house for more than a few hours in a week, I am on my period and overly tired and emotional and very much feeling as if I am in this all alone....because in many ways, I kind of am.� Everyone else either lives far away or doesn't give a rat's ass (see above mention).� I have to force mom to put things into perspective for me because she goes on about how she thinks the doctor's just want her in pain, so I have to ask if the pain in her ear is as bad as last week.� Of course, it isn't, but she stresses me out by going on and on like it is as bad and then I have to firmly pin her down for an answer.� I don't want to snap at her, but there are moments when I feel I am at the end of my coping ability for at least awhile.� I know it all will pass and soon be water under the bridge, but today I'm not sure if my sanity won't be floating downstream with it.� I was going to go run before going out to look for this cotton that I know is not in her ear, but now I have the guilt thing going on, so I will probably go there first and then trek back to this side of town so I can work out.� I would just like one day of my schedule so I can regroup and not have to be rushing around trying to be in several places at one time.



She has thanked me a million times over and so have two of my siblings (not the rat's ass one of course) and it really isn't that I even mind.� It's that I have other things going on that I can't seem to get to and next week I won't be available at all due to school bus driving training in the morning and working at the church in the afternoon.� I'm only one person unless someone can figure out a way to clone me and do it quickly.



Yes, I am whining.� Yes, I am tired.� Yes, I am tired of hearing how she looks like Frankenstein.� It's frustrating because she WILL HEAL and there are people out there with disfigurements that will never heal.� I know she is not dealing with those people but with herself and that she is 81.� I get it.� But it is still frustrating, because I can't tell my mother to put on her big girl panties and deal with it.� And I can't tell my brother to get his head out of his own ass long enough to help me.� Well, I could but it would not be pretty as when he feels threatened, he just attacks and so do I.�� Besides, it would not accomplish anything.� He isn't going to change.� He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.� When we were children and bathing together, I once pointed to his boy part and said "I used to have one of those but it fell off."� Though that was not true, I do think his fell off or was ripped off a long time ago because he isn't man enough to accept responsibility at all ever.� It would be one thing if he had trouble seeing his parents in pain.� That I could understand.� But then what would be stopping him from offering to help ME so I can help her?� Exactly.� Nothing.