The Background....
Last week, the oldest child went up out to supposedly sell stuff for a school fundraiser. He is currently not permitted to be at The Neighbors (TN) house until his grades come up because he goes up there and spends hours playing video games. So, when he went out to "sell stuff" he not only went to TN, but also went with TN to the carwash to have his car washed and never called to ask me if he could. I found out because when Little Brother came home, I asked him where his brother was and he told me.
So when Oldest Child came home, I was upset and explained to him why he had to ask me such things, ie, if there was an emergency and I needed to reach him, I needed to know where he was. He admitted that he didn't call me because he was afraid I'd of said that he couldn't go.
So now....
We left for Atlantic City on Sunday. TH offered to let the boys hang with them until the kid's grandma got here at 1:30 (we left about 11:45), so we could hit the road.
We got home tonight, and The Brit had to go to a church council meeting. The kids were not due back from grandma's until about 8:30, but at 8:00, I got a text message from the Oldest Child (he doesn't have a cell phone so I was very confused) and a few minutes later the phone rang and it was the TN asking if we were home.
So it seems the Oldest Child never went to grandma's but stayed with TN while we were away. According to grandma, TN talked to her and told her the Oldest Child had a cold and wasn't feeling well (he did have a cold) and he would bring the Oldest Child to her house when he felt better, but they never showed up.
So what....
Now I'm not sure of what to do. The Brit and I were furious with the Oldest Child for not calling us to ask if this was okay, as both kids were supposed to be at grandma's and we come to find out that is not what happened. Oldest Child should have calle us, especially in light of the similar situation last week. TN should have some responsibility as well, but maybe they thought they were doing a good thing. Yes, the Oldest Child was perfectly safe with TN; we just should have been informed of what was going on. Our thought is that the kid didn't call us as he thought we would say no, that he couldn't stay with TN. Yet it was TN who talked to grandma and not the kid.
So what do we do? Is the Oldest Child totally at fault? He's such a master manipulator and as Dr. Phil would say, you know he is lying if his lips are moving. Is this normal teenage stuff or is it just the crazy magic we've been dealing with regarding this kid for 5 years? How should we handle it? Right now he is grounded for the unforseeable future, but long term, that is not going to work.
We meet with the therapist on Thursday, thank God!
Monday, February 16, 2009
So....
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Around his age, I once left school with my friend Buffy instead of riding the bus home (really. that's her name.)
ReplyDeleteBuffy's mom always picked her up. We went by the post office, stopped by the grocery store, and then Buffy's mom dropped me off at my house.
By then, my mom had already called the police because I didn't get off the bus and the school had no record of where I was.
I wasn't grounded, but she made it VERY clear that this was about SAFETY and that she'll worry if I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
I mean sheesh, I was probably 45 minutes late and the police had already been notified!
Now if I'd called my mom, she would have said it was FINE to ride home with Buffy! So that's a different scenario than your oldest.
He needs to understand that he doesn't make his own plans. YOU arrange where he's going to be and when and he has no permission to change that schedule without you. For safety. Even with the neighbors. And it sounds like the neighbors may need a "thank you so much for keeping him this weekend. We've really been struggling because he's manipulating plans, so he'll be grounded for a while." Maybe they'll get the hint?
If it were me - I'd be totally pissed at the neighbor too. I mean honestly, did they not have the sense enough to call you guys and let you know what was going on? How responsible can they be if it never occured to them?!
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I'd classify this as normal teenaged behavior - I mean - yes, from time to time he's going to do boneheaded things that are minor, but just as frustrating to the parents... this however seems strange. Is there maybe some other reason he didn't want to go over to the grandma's? Or is it more about the thrill of "getting away" with doing something he knows is wrong? Either way - it warrants some serious discussions with him about safety - not only his but everyone else's too.
That therapist has their work cut out for them - I sincerely hope that they can help him deal with whatever is causing him to act like that... because the teenage years are hard enough on their own.
I'll be praying for you Kim!
All I can say is that it won't be the last time. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here. This is the beginning, and it's not going to be easy. I am probably the LEAST controlling, most free thinking (and apparently brain dead) parent on the planet, and still they will twist and manipulate and lie to get what they want. Call me if you need me.
ReplyDeleteYou're re-living my stepson situation all over again (without the illegal drugs thankfully). He had lying down to an art and he was never where he was suppose to be. Therapy? What a joke - the therapist believed HIM (that's how convincing he was) until his Mom took him to the doctor's office and demanded a drug test (which he failed), then all of a sudden the therapist listened to the parents (briefly, cause we were no longer interested in him). Some how it all works out.
ReplyDeleteThe neighbors were very wrong.