Family Dynamics

Coming from a large family can sometimes suck.  There are just times when no matter how much you want to fit in, it just isn't possible and someone's feelings get hurt and I have been on the receiving end of that enough to know, as have others.

Tonight, however, was very pleasant.  My sister and brother were here from out west for my sister's dad's funeral and we all went to dinner tonight.  It was stress free and easy, which made it nice.  It was my sister's birthday (we're a day apart in b-days as mine is tomorrow) so I got to share that with her and I'm sorry they are flying back on the red eye tomorrow morning.  The Brit told my sister that once he and I had both lost our first 100 pounds, we would be flying to Vegas for a long weekend and to visit with she and her husband.

I'm trying to do better with my family but sometimes it is just really hard.  I seldom remember birthdays and flying out to visit is hard to do with two kids.  Prior to the kids, we were just not financially sound enough to do much traveling.  My mind just sometimes feels that I am imposition to some of them, while with others, I am always comfortable and feel a sense of belonging.  I don't know if some of this is in my head or not but sometimes it feels like the perception.  It might have to do with the vast age differences and the fact that most of us did not live together for long.  Maybe it has to do with my own insecurities.  Maybe it has to do with the geographical distances between many of us or what we prefer to do socially.  I don't know what it is exactly, but I do know that the mechanics that make up my family will probably always remain somewhat of a mystery to me.

And then there is the big perception for me.  Many times, I didn't think I fit in well with some of them because of my weight.  The mere thought of that makes me shudder, but it is still a fact.  So, is that just an illusion and maybe it is just who I am that doesn't always fit?