So The Brit is now safely at his layover in Los Angeles, the long part of his trip home now behind him. I have the house tidy, the kid's lunches for tomorrow packed and hopefully everything ready for a day off for me tomorrow as well. I wish every weekend was a three day weekend.
I have to tell ya'll that I love, love, love my youth group kids. Nothing in particular has happened to make me say that, but they are just such a blessing to me in so many ways. I struggle so with my relationship with my eldest child, just trying to find some common ground or even getting him to open up about anything. In the midst of all the madness, I get a text message from one of my girls that excitedly proclaims that she has gotten her driving permit and I find myself feeling so grateful to be a part of her life, enough so, that she texts me to tell her good news. Another of my girls posted a photo of herself and her boyfriend on Facebook before a dance and I commented her with "Could you be anymore gorgeous?" Her response was "Only if I were you!" It made me smile because the kids have been so incredibly supportive of my whole WLS journey and even when I forget how far I have come, they don't.
I always saw myself raising girls and well, that didn't happen, which is fine, but I still have a few girls on loan a day or two a week. Now I'm sure if I was parenting these kids, my relationship with them would not be what it is now. I'm not their parent and I know how my own kids relate to me, which is way different than how the youth kids relate to me. I'm sure to parent any of them would be somewhat of a challenge. But though I have my challenges with my own kids in the way of parenting, I don't have that with these kids. I get to be that ear that is ready to listen if they have a problem, even when my own son is not able or willing to open up to me. I get to be able to offer advice or another perspective for them. I also get to enjoy the easy laughter that comes with them over jokes, games, situations, etc. They are just this amazing blessing in my life that I cannot thank God enough for.
I struggle a bit already with the fact that my oldest son will soon be old enough to join this group. He will be on his first mission trip with us this summer as he will be getting ready to enter into high school. How will he feel about seeing another side of his mother in the way that I relate to my youth kids? I am not parenting them; mentoring, maybe. Hopefully. Where is the line drawn between parenting my son on a trip and mentoring him as I would one of the other kids? This is a very confusing time for me as we prepare to enter into a new season in our lives. Generally during a mission trip, we are divided into two groups and then our two groups are intermingled with other church groups to form a few larger groups. My son will not be in my group as I feel that is the best solution. I want him to experience his first trip without having to worry about what mom is thinking and what kid wants their mom hooked up with them all day long? Of course, our church group is together for breakfast and then every evening for meals and Club and group activities. So, together for the fun stuff; apart for the work. Better that way I hope. I think.
I know in my heart of hearts that I tend to be hard on this kid. He has been work unlike any other job I have ever had before. He makes fast food look like a cushy acting job. He is hard work. Really, really hard and has been since day one. I keep hoping and praying that his becoming a teen and my ability to be able to relate to teens will somehow merge together into something more doable. I know, that I will not have the same relationship with him as I do my other youth kids because I am his parent; I am not delusional about that. But a teeny tiny bit of common ground would be so much appreciated.
How do you draw the line on a mission trip? How do you draw the line with youth activities between being a parent and being a youth group leader to my son? Where are the boundaries? How do I balance this? Anyone have experience?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
All My Kids
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I loved hearing about your relationship with these girls, but it reminded me of how jealous I'd get of my mom's relationship with youth group kids. Then you mentioned your son! I've sooo been on his side of this equation!
ReplyDeleteMy mom always had very high standards for me. She was a wild teenager, her parents were Christians, so she expected me to behave exactly the opposite as she did. At the same time, she LOVED reaching out to and mentoring the wilder teenage girls. I *hated* that my mom had relationships with these girls my age based on them doing *exactly* the kinds of things I would have been slaughtered for! It seemed so unfair. It got to the point I wished she *wouldn't* go on mission trips and teach sunday school because I was tired of being held to what I saw as a double standard.
And when I'd express these feelings, she'd tell me, "I'm not responsible for them, I'm responsible for you. I hold you to a higher standard because I love you more and because I want God's absolute best for you." It went in one ear and out the other.
I don't think there's any way to stop a child from being jealous of their parents' relationship with other kids. I KNEW my mom loved me, and I still made an issue out of it. But as an adult, I can see that this is a ministry for her--she relates to those girls, and she did before I came along, and she does still now that I'm grown. Teenage trouble-makers are her thing. :) I get it now. And if she mentors them and spends time with them and even grows to love them and their personalities, I NOW understand it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Which is what she was trying to tell me all along.
It *will* be hard when your son comes up to the youth group. Hard for you because he'll be encroaching on an area you love to minister in, and hard for him because his mom will be present in a ministry *designed* for him. But you'll get through it! I say focus on the teenage girls and maybe that gives the space you'll both need. Plus, you can scope out girlfriends for him. ;)
I have to correct myself--my mom's parents were NOT Christians and she didn't have any boundaries as a teenager.
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteI led my kids' youth group for years and had at least one, if not more, of my kids in the group for 6 years. And then my volunteers were also parents. We had some 'parental ground rules' that we all (including me) followed.
1) your kid is not in your small group. Sounds like you've already got that covered for your mission trip.
2) parents do not correct or discipline their own child. That sounds easier than it is but it's the rule that really helped the kids feel less awkward about having their parents in the group. If my kid was driving me crazy, I'd talk to another leader and have them talk to my kid. Sometimes it was me holding a higher standard for my kid and the parent would tell me that.
3) youth group was not discussed at home unless the teen brought up the subject. That just helped keep the distance between home and youth group.
I also had to be very aware of my expectations of my kid. It was too easy to give grace and mercy to someone else's kid and expect mine to never mess up. That was my own pride because I wanted to look good in youth group. If I was a good leader, then my kid should've been a reflection of my good leading.... Truth is, my kid is just as good and rowdy as the other kids. Not correcting them helped me deal with my pride.
It was a good experience to share youth group with my kids. I know you'll do great!!
You know, I think first of all it's great that you are already thinking about this. My best advice to you would be to do your best to keep the parenting out of the youth group for the two of you. Don't do anything in front of the other kids that you wouldn't do with all of the others that don't live at your house. Does that make sense? I just think it would go a long way for him to see that you will treat him with respect there and at the same time - maybe seeing how the other kids love and respect you will show him that there is another side to you as well.
ReplyDeleteThe teenage years are hard, and it may or may not get easier - but I truly believe that one of these days he will wake up and realize how much love you have given him over the years. I know personally for me - it wasn't until I was almost through college that I realized that my parents were smarter than I thought they were. At the same time, I also learned that they are human too - which can sometimes be a weird thought. :-)