Keep Bleeding, Keep, Keep Bleeding

Sometimes there are emotions and feelings that we keep hidden in the darkest recesses of our hearts.  We know that perhaps we shouldn't be having these feelings; that maybe they are not really acceptable or even understandable to anyone else.  However, our feelings are our feelings, regardless of what they are.  Sometimes these feelings can make us feel like terrible people and in that case it becomes an even heavier silent burden to bear. 

We can go over and over all the reasons we shouldn't feel this way.  We can try and try to come up with ways to remedy the situation, but when we feel like we are in so far over our heads, answers at best, seem vague.  It's like we want to grab hold of something that makes sense to us, but with each attempt, we grab at empty air. 

There are times when surely we must think that others can see how we are bleeding out.  They have to be able to see it, right?  We feel like it is pouring out of our very existence, leaving a tremendous puddle on the floor and somehow, someone will reach out and stop the flow of the blood before it drains anymore life from us.

Sometimes, we gather our courage to put a voice to these feelings.  To actually speak them out loud to someone.  We know they may not be rational and maybe even to someone else they may be petty and stupid.  But they are still ours.  We own them, whether we want them or not.  It takes everything within us to speak them aloud, to put them out there for others to judge or comment upon.  To speak it means that we are admitting we are not who we wish we were.  We are admitting that we don't have the answers for ourselves.  We are admitting that the wound is painful.  We know that the feelings may be wrong, but maybe we need a fresh perspective.  We don't need anyone to tell us that we are right, or wrong, or silly.  We just need someone to validate that they are our feelings.  We need someone to listen to why we feel that way and to minimally understand why we feel that way.  We need someone to understand that is what we need in the moment; someone to work through it with us, someone to help us come up with a plan for dealing with it, for correcting it, for making it better.  Somehow.

 We don't voice it because we feel we are right.  We voice it because the feelings seem wrong, yet we don't know what to do.  We already feel bad enough when our most intimate and darkest thoughts are not what we think they should be.  We wish we could just turn them off, turn them down, turn them around.  But we don't know how, which is why we try to find the courage to voice them. 

When the answers don't come, we quickly retreat to lick the wound again in private or to maybe slap a band aide on it to keep it from being so messy, hoping we can make people think that they never had a glimpse of it to begin with.  After all, it's safer that way.  No one to think badly of us.  No one to think we are being ridiculous.  No one to make us feel worse than we already do. 

*****

Somehow I finally lost a pound this morning.  I had to get on the scale twice just to make sure.  Thankfully, hypothetical bleeding doesn't cause weight loss