I need to find a job. I have to find a job. Anything. I hate the fact that as soon as we got home late this afternoon, I started to feel sick knowing that tomorrow was Monday. That I have to go back there where I was betrayed and so incredibly hurt. Hurt in the church is the worst. It is supposed to be safe. My blog was supposed to be my safe place to vent. The church was a place I should have been allowed to feel confused about whether to stay or go. It should not have been a place where an attack was launched against me. Do they really think that what they did was right? Do they really feel so righteous? Was I wrong? I don't feel like I was. Why were they allowed to do this?
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I need to double my medication to get through this. I hate the fact that my happiness has been taken from me. I hate feeling like I have to constantly look over my shoulder, wondering who is there waiting to hurt me again. I hate being alone when I walk in there five days a week. Hate it. I hate this dread and this depression and this stress.
There are moments where I feel really strong and then moments like now where I feel so weak that I may not survive it. I can see no end in sight yet. I have no interviews scheduled yet though my resumes are out there. I know if I can just find something and get out it will all be better. But this stress and dread will continue for as long as I have to work there. I don't foresee it getting better until then. I have stepped as far back as I can. I have given up things that felt impossible to give up, just because someone decided it was okay to exploit my feelings...to hand out what was anonymous and put my name on it for all of them to see and twist. It was just a post about my confusion about staying at the church or leaving it. Shame on them for making it so easy a decision for me.
I am trying to forgive them if for no other reason than to take the power they have over me right now away but it is so hard when the hurt is so fresh. The anger has faded but my hurt is so raw. When I think of how hard I worked with so many of them to keep things running, to grow the church; when I think of all the things I took on so that there would be no gaps in the church and then this is what they do? It hurts more than anything has in a very long time. I just want to cry and only stop when it is all over but right now it feels as if it will never be over.
Hang in there. You have more than enough strength. Remember how you felt during the stone monologue. I know there were two there that day that missed out on a message they needed to hear. But you believe in it, or you wouldn't be trying so hard to forgive. Otherwise, just be yourself - or better, be so darn happy you make them wonder "Why's SHE smiling so much???"
ReplyDeleteOh, sis, I was so sorry to read this post... mostly because I've known you for years now and I never felt you that sad and fragile - which is okay because everyone is entitled to feel this way once in a while in their life, we're not stone fortresses and sometimes the best we can do is cry.
ReplyDeleteBut when you feel like this please remember the difficult moments you had in your life - think about your weight loss surgery, for instance. There were moments you felt confused and insecure about it, I remember there was a time you even regretted considering it. And look at you today, look at how far you got just because of your willpower and strength to overcome difficulties. If you could handle it - and you're still handling it, then, sis, you can handle what has happened at the church lately. I've been reflecting a lot about people lately, and recently I came to the conclusion that we should never expect gratitude or that our efforts are recognised, because sometimes - most of the times, they are not. Those who hurt us rarely recognise how wrong they were. This is a fact that I recently came to terms with and the only thing that we can do is to move on with our life, give it a new direction sometimes. And you've done it before, sis, so I trust that you will do it again. But please take care of your health, do not allow those people to cause you more harm than what they've already done. I'll pray for you to find a job soon, and I was glad to know you're already looking for a new one - see? Even with all the distress you've been through, you're still doing sthg to change the current situation. This is why you are who you are, a wonderful person who deserves a lot more than to be in the company of those who judge, gossip about and condemn a human being who has done so much for their church.
Hang on in there, those times will have to be over.
((((Kim))))
Deyse
There is not much I can say. Your pain is very real, and I hurt for you. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSending much love to you,
Nina