Calcium, Never Mind

So I posted an article from that site who contacted me and I was not impressed for the following reasons:



All the articles I wanted to use were apparently already being used by someone else.� If that was the� case, I think the articles should have�been removed.� It was time consuming to keep clicking only to find out I could not use the article.



The article I settled for, for those of you who did not see it, was on calcium, but I found no new information in the article.� I didn't even find it interesting.� The articles that I might have found interesting were already taken.� Oh, and you don't get to read the whole article prior to picking it. You get to read two sentences and hope for the best.



Once you post an article, you have to go back to their site to "Verify" it.� Basically, this is putting in the permalink to the blog post.� Their site supplies me with http://knitten-kittens.com/ so I filled in the rest.� Wouldn't take it.� Told me the URL was wrong.� So, I put in the whole thing.� Still told me it was wrong.



The article supplied two links, apparently linking the post back to the author.� Neither link worked.� Again, as you can't preview the whole article prior to selecting it as yours (and apparently, once you do that, there is no changing your mind), so only once it was posted could I try the links.� Nada.



In theory, I think the idea of this website in question is good, but there seems to be a lot of bugs.� I have emailed them with all my concerns and in the meantime, I took the article down.� I was not happy with the content (not my style, not a topic I really wanted either) or the broken links, so I failed to see how it would benefit me (didn't like it) or the author (broken links).�



So this morning I went to the doctor for my thumb pain, which is exactly like my thumb pain from three years ago when they did a tendon release in my wrist that remedied the problem.� The Nurse Practitioner (NP) ordered x-rays and when she came back in with them, she said my doctor said it was highly unlikely that the problem would reoccur and she wanted me to see a hand specialist.� I asked the NE if my xrays had shown any problem and she said, "No, but as soon as we don't take an xray, that's when someone has bone cancer." As she is saying this, she is studying a darker line across my wrist on the xray, and she immediately says, "I need to check with the doctor on this."



Okay, so she mentions the C word and then hightails it out of my room with a concern about my wrist and is gone like FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES!� For these FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES my heart is pounding out of my chest and my palms are sweating and I am contemplating how I will handle a cancer diagnosis.� I am thinking to myself, "But I am so healthy now...can't be cancer surely."



When the NE came back, she explained the doctor thought the dark line was a growth palate or something from when I was child.� I then informed her that she had scared the living shit out of me.� She was very apologetic, but sheesh woman!� Think before you speak and don't throw that C word around lightly!� If the doc doesn't see evidence of cancer on MY xray, shut the hell up about it!�



So I have to see a hand specialist.� The pain has been better today and my appointment isn't until May 25th, so I am hoping for a complete recovery before that so I can cancel.



I am feeling a bit better emotionally today.� Praise band helped...being out of the house, with some folks who make me laugh and who I could vent to.� Being without my kids for two hours, being able to just be me as opposed to a mom or a cook or a homemaker, was nice.� I'm not quite 100% yet, but better than I was yesterday.



Tonight, there will be wine.

Healthy Dose Friday

I'm not sure how healthy this is going to be, but it has been a dose and I really need to say it here where only my readers can see it.

I don't think I'm in any immediate danger, but I am in a scary place.  My eating has been bad the last two weeks.  My exercise has not been what it should be.  Yes, I'm getting some, but not enough and not the intensity it needs to be.  I've been snacking more and not on things which I should be snacking.  I've been too sedentary the last week especially; afternoons watching television instead of doing something physical.  I need to improve and I need to do it now.

This is scarier now.  Scarier than it ever was before surgery when I'd diet and lose a handful of pounds.  Now I have made the physical changes drastically and I don't want to go backwards.  Ever.  EVER.  I have not been back on the scale since the gain to see what is what.  I know at least part of it was from my period, whichI just finished up, so I am giving my body a few days to readjust again before getting back on the scale. 

I don't like this.  It feels frightening and out of control.  I keep telling myself it is only a bump in the road and I will work it out and get over it.  But it needs to be soon.  It needs to be now.

Okay, with that confession out of the way, I am putting out a call for blog help.  Here's the deal.  England...three weeks in June.  I'm hoping Laura may help me cover in the event I miss any days.  Other than that, I have a mission trip at the end of the month (June) where I will have NO computer access from June 26 to July 2nd.  I would have to have some guest bloggers type up an entry this month and then I can get it in here and dated to post on one of those dates.  It's a chance to give your own blog a shout out and for my readers to meet you.  It is also a huge help to me!  So leave me a comment if you can help out.  I don't need you to post it yourself; in advance I can take care of that.

Speaking of blogging, does anyone have one of these:



Saw one in England and fell in love.  It's little, it's pink, it would fit in my purse thus not making me have a carry a big ole laptop bag, and it's on my Christmas list.  I'm not generally a lover of gadgets, aside from my ipod (which is also pink, btw), but this is too cute and handy and would make vacation blogging easy.  If you have one, what do you think of it? 

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Healthy Dose Friday

Do ya'll have any idea how easy it is to fall in and out of habits?

My life has been a bit of a roller coaster of late and it has caused some good habits in the way of exercise to cease to exist.  My gall bladder surgery left me unable to do any lifting for 6 weeks, so I stayed clear of the gym other than kickboxing and my other cardio would be walking around the park.  Then between April weather (there is truth to that whole April showers thing) and going to England, my walking fell by the wayside. 

Enter in some stress munching and what I discovered last night at kickboxing is that my energy level suddenly stinks!  I mean, wow.  I could barely keep up last night and this was the easier of the two instructors!  So this weekend, I am working on getting my head back on straight.  I need to get back to some basics of WLS eating.  I'm not gaining but I haven't lost much since before the holidays.  Don't get me wrong; I am thrilled to be maintaining a 107 pound weight loss, but I'm not yet where I want to be.  I would like to lose close to another 50 pounds to be really happy with myself.

I've been reading "Joining the Thin Club" and so far I have found it very interesting.  I differ from the author in one way so far.  In the beginning she talks about about that after losing weight, finally being accepted by people; strangers who once would assume we were simply invisible.  She remarks on feeling happy but also angry about that, which I get.  We are so much more than our bodies!  But then she remarks that shamefully, at times, she will see an obese person and pass judgment.  That is so not me.  I will never forget where I came from or what it felt like.  The whole reason I'm reading this book is because I so often still feel like the fat girl because my head refuses to catch up to my body.  When I see people of size, I feel immense sadness, because I know what it feels like and unfortunately, the answer for everyone is not "go have surgery".

Lisa asked me to comment a bit on my surgery.  She asks:

Tell me more about the surgery you had for weight loss...where did you have it and who was your surgeon? What type of surgery was it and are you happy with it?

Hi Lisa, whose blog I have just started reading!  I love WLS blogs because from all the WLS bloggers I've read, we are mostly a bunch of kindred spirits floating around the internets, trying to find our way in our new lives and our new bodies and we are very supportive of one another!

Anyway, I had my gastric bypass done at Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore, MD.  Hopkins is supposed to be one of the best in the world and Dr. Schweitzer came VERY well recommended to me and living in Maryland, it was definitely an option for me! 

I am amazingly happy with the results of my surgery.  Having been obese all my life, finally knowing something different has been...well, I'm not sure there are really words to describe it.  It's like a whole new world has been opened to me.  The only real complication I had was losing my gall bladder in February, and some pesky burping that comes and goes, which I can live with.  But I feel great!

Lastly, I want to thank all of you who read here and post comments.  Though I rarely reply directly to the comments, I read and treasure every single one.  It's always nice to know what you all think and to know you're out there!

Enjoy your weekend!  It's supposed to be a good one!

Healthy Dose Fridays

I'm not certain I like my title.  Kim had suggested "Fitness Fridays" which has a great ring to it but I didn't want to limit myself to just fitness.  My disclaimer here is that I am not a professional nor do I play one on television, so these thoughts on Fridays are just mine.  Sometimes I may quote a source or a person, but for the most part, just my opinions.  Disagree respectfully and we will get along just fine.  I'm always interested in thoughtful responses and if you have any questions regarding anything I do or have done regarding WLS, exercise, eating, etc, we'll deal with those on Fridays too.

I've been giving a lot of thought of late to self image.  Not just mine though it does play a part in the picture as a year ago, mine was not the greatest.  But what I do think is that though I didn't necessarily LOVE my 315 pound body, I didn't loathe it either.  I didn't spend my energy being a hater on it.  I tried to accept it even though I didn't like it, mainly because it couldn't do many of things I wanted it to do.

I have a friend who I think loathes her body, or at least talks as if she does, so I'm going to use her as the example to make my point.  She's a fabulous person, but when it comes to body image, I think it is a little bit distorted, though we tend to do this with ourselves.  She has a point of reference that I never had because when she got married she was tiny, where I have never really been tiny other than as a toddler.  I have to wonder that when we knew ourselves as a smaller version, if there isn't something in our brains that thinks we can get back to that regardless of how many years have gone by.

She also had an experience I have not had in that she gave birth to two children.  Pregnancy does things to our bodies that we often times can't get back, as can aging.  Our bodies change over the years, whether we want them to or not. 

See, when I look at my friend, I don't see what she perceives to be her bodily imperfections.  I see a body that has served her well and gave her two incredible kids.  I'm not saying she should stop trying to improve on what she has, but I don't think detesting her body is the answer either.  When we stop to think of all the experiences and the things we have done with our bodies, I would like to think that we should be eternally grateful for the things it has given us.  Sure, there is always room for improvement, but I don't think we should hate our bodies nor think that they are going to go back to the way they were years ago either. 

We have been given a vehicle to get through this life that we should be doing our best to treat well.  But with that being said, we aren't perfect and we are not always going to put into our vehicles the best gasoline.  We still need to appreciate how far our bodies have brought us so far.  So maybe instead of saying "I hate my arms!" we could instead think of all the things our arms have done for us and maybe a better thought would be "I would like to improve my arms." 

I guess I just kind of think that hating on any part of ourselves is unproductive and it puts us in a mentality of doing battle with our bodies or going to war against our bodies in a mind/body dual.   If we focus more in our weight loss of challenging our bodies and working with them, I just have to wonder if it isn't going to put us in an overall better frame of mind for what it is we hope to accomplish.  We can hate on ourselves and throw ourselves into a depression over it which can lead to being completely unproductive; it could cause us to overeat or not exercise or drink. 

Acceptance and self love are hard things to master, but when we start out with baby steps in appreciating what we have accomplished so far and the vehicle that allowed us to do those things, we may very well be on the road to winning the self image battle.