The Year in Review 2008

   Hard to believe it is the last day of 2008 and of Blog 365!  I had this post all written once and then I hit some key accidentally and it all went away!

I have stories and pictures from our NYC trip to show you, but tonight is the annual "Year in Review" here on Knitten-Kittens, where I hit the highlights of 2008.  So here we go!

 1.  Meeting Meg, Lacy, Jil and Kim.  These girls were the "ones who went before me" on the WLS front and they have been absolute jewels in my life.  Their support has been wonderful as they answered all my questions and shared their experiences with me.  My non-WLS friends were also wonderful, but there is something comforting about those who have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" Cut and Paste girls.  Their friendships continue to bless my life as we find our way through this new C&P life we now have.  Thank you, girls, for all you do!

  2.  Surgery.  So much I can say here as it was the one single most significant part of 2008 for me.  It has changed my life.  Yes, there are those that think the C&P girls have "tampered with God's handiwork" but what those people don't know is just how hand in hand with God I walked on this journey.  I went into this decision prayerfully and God and I were in agreement that if He brought me to surgery, he would bring me through it.  I also knew that if I hit any Dead End signs prior to approval or surgery, that was God's way of telling me it was not what He wanted for my life.  So anyone thinking we Christian C&P girls are "tampering", maybe you should get to know us first.

        Anyway, surgery.  There is so much I can say but I can probably sum it up in a handful of words: healthy, joy, ability, confidence, possibility.  I feel like there is nothing I can't attempt to do.  Yes, there are days I screw up and eat some things I shouldn't and there have days I've dumped, sometimes off innocent things like grapes and other times off things not so innocent, but 100 pounds later, I can say with absolute certainty, that it has been worth every minute of it.  Several weeks ago, my friend Mandy was here and I forget what we were doing, but she was sitting at the computer and I was leaned over the desk showing her something and she said something to the extent of "You have just changed so much and not just physically; your confidence, everything."  I have no idea what I said or did to bring those words from her, but apparently there are things that are different and I hope good different.

3.    Family dynamics.  I'm still learning them and not always liking them, but working on accepting them.  However, I am no longer willing to be treated as second best.  Not that I think I am the "Best" but it is more like not allowing anyone to treat me like a second class citizen.  I am a good person, I try to do the right things, I try to be kind to everyone.  I expect the same in return and if you don't give it to me, well, you may not hear from me too often.  I'm not trying to be nasty, but the hurts of the summer will never again be repeated because I will not allow it to happen. Even though we all know that beach trip was just a dream, kind of like, was it Dallas where Bobby shot JR and it was all a dream?  After all, the newsletter failed to mention I was there, so surely that can't be wrong.

4.    I can't leave out last night.  Seeing Patti Lupone on stage in "Gypsy" was a realized dream for me.  For years, she has been one of my favorite performers and I had never seen her live.  Now, I have.  Thank you, Brit, for making that come true for me.  NYC in general was a highlight for me as I have missed my favorite city.

Resolutions?  A few.

1.    I want to get down to a size 12-14.  I will be happy there.  That will involve getting my butt back to the gym on Monday.

2.    Horseback riding.  It's still on my to do list for Spring.

3.    I want to do some more traveling in 2009.  I love doing it, especially by car. There are just things I still want to see.

4.    To start running.

5.    To write.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.  I need to start setting aside some time to work.

There may be more, but that is what I can think of at the moment.  And The Brit did some Before and Afters for me.  The latest photos were taken the weekend before Christmas.

Happy New Year, readers!  May God bless you abundantly in 2009~

Just under the wire but OMG

Nothing like almost blowing Blog 365 the day before it ends!  I have six minutes to get this posted!

OMG we saw Patti LuPone in "Gypsy" tonight.  For those of you who don't know who she is, you are missing out.  Fabulous performer and singer.  It was one of my dreams to see her perform live and tonight it was realized.  She was truly amazing!

More stories to tell, but time is running out!

Intermission

So I am currently sitting in a hotel outside of NYC after spending the day in the city.  The Brit and I decided that since the kids were spending a week with their grandparents, that we would take off for a couple of days.  At 9:00 this morning, we headed out.

It has been several years since I have spent any time in my favorite city.  It is really hopping right now with New Year's Eve just two days away and no, we are not staying to get immersed in that mess on Wednesday night!

Today, we did a bus tour of all the lights in the city: the big department stores that are all done up so beautifully for the holidays.  It was cold ( we were on the top of a double decker bus) but gorgeous as I have never seen the city during Christmas. Definitely a sight to behold.

Tomorrow, we are hoping to take in a show as well as continue our bus tour (our tickets are good for 48 hours). I would give my right arm to see Patti LuPone in "Gypsy" but am not sure if tickets are available or even at a reasonable price.  Plus with so many people in the city, it is hard to say what show will have seats available.  I also want to see Ground Zero and our tour tickets include a boat tour as well.  So lots to do in a small amount of time. 

New Year's Eve is up in the air for us depending on what we decide to do based on what time we decide to head home on Wednesday.  Regardless, this vacation was well needed and is doing wonders for me, despite being surround by close to a million people.

More tomorrow and pictures once we get home!

Fa La La La La, La La

So last night was our poorly attended Open House.

The date was bad apparently at only two days after Christmas, but trying to hit a weekend day is difficult depending on when the holiday falls.  A couple of really close friends came (4), one person from church, and four of my old theater buddies.  I loved that they came and that we had some time to catch up and hopefully another opportunity will present itself in the near future.  But overall, the party was a lot of work, for not many people, and Robyn and I wound up splitting a bottle of wine and drinking it until midnight, thus my post last night.  Typing was difficult.

Robyn wasn't feeling Christmas this year either, so it wasn't just me.  Too much crap going on personally within our circles and it just tends to suck one dry.  Wine was the answer to all problems last night and it was nice to be able to laugh over bullshit. 

But I am currently leaving all the BS behind me.  I've dealt with it as best as I know how, and anything more is up to other people.  If anyone wants to be pissed off at me, I'm fine with that.  Whatever.  Life is too short and I am busy embracing moments worth embracing and checking the rest of the crap at the door of my heart.  No time, dudes.  Resolve your own issues.  It's not that I don't care about ya'll; I do.  But I can't fix anyone else, especially when I am still busy fixing me.  If anyone wants me to be their scapegoat for whatever ails them, go for it.  But don't expect me to dwell on it or even be upset by it.  I can sympathize and empathize but I no longer plan on making your issues mine.  I'm doing a bit of soul cleansing, if you will.  I'm tired to death of worrying about all of it.  Life is complicated enough, let's not make it any worse, shall we?  I've spent nearly a week taking on the problems and issues of other people and it has affected my own experiences this week.  I'm done.  I can't do it any more.  I love you all, but I can't take things on for you.  Not that anyone asked me to, but I have still been thrown into their reactions to circumstances in which I was an innocent bystander on more than one occasion.  It's not playing fair.  When people decide to not speak to me or to complain about me behind my back, it's really your own issues you need to address.  I'm sorry you're upset, truly.  The problem is that it may make you all feel better to have me handle it, or to ignore me, but it makes me feel like shit and since I can no longer eat my emotions, that leaves them to pour out of me faster than I can deal with them.  No more.  I'm done.

So, the folks who want to be upset with me, I will still treat you exactly the same and what you do from your corner is entirely up to you.  I will still love you and be your friend to the best that you will allow, but I will not allow you to make me feel bad.  You can try, but you will no longer succeed. 

I feel better already for having said it.  And I'm working on knowing it in my heart.  My life is full; of people I love, of experiences I've had and have yet to have and there is no room for petty.  I want my experiences and yours to be rich in all the things that matter, but you have to let go of the BS first.

I'm letting it go.

December 27th: Titles Suck

Okay, so much wine has been consumed in the last two hours and I am not writing much.  We'll leave it at that for tonight.

A Bit More Relaxing

For the first time since my in laws went home last summer, I am having a cup of tea. 

In my library choices for reading material over Christmas vacation, I went a bit fluffier than usual.  I'd love to tell you that I read great works of fiction, but I'd be so lying to you.  I used to read classics B.C.; that is "Before Children".  Now, I can't concentrate on anything too intense because it will undoubtedly be interrupted numerous times by the word both loved and dreaded: "Mom!"

So, though I am not a huge fan of Robin Gunn's Sisterchicks series, I did find the "Sisterchicks Go Brit" and am almost finished it.  As the title implies, the two bestest friends make a trip to London and with so many references to tea, I finally had to make a cup.

But today was quiet other than an outing to Walmart for a few party supplies as tomorrow is our Open House.  If have somehow failed to invite you, please feel free to show up anytime 4:00 or after.  I meant to put out an invitation at the church, but with all the Christmas insanity and then my out of control for a couple of days hormones, it never happened.  But the door here is always open, so please turn up if you are reading this and I somehow missed inviting you.  

We also went to the mall to visit the shop where The Brit got me a gift certificate as they were having a sale.  I did fine a sweater at a very reduced price and a pair of pants that are not jeans.  The best part?  The jeans are a size 18!  Yes, I am serious!  I have dropped 10 pants sizes since April.  I was so excited, I think I would have bought them even if they had been ugly as sin. Thankfully they were not ugly, so I do now own them...in a size 18.  Finally got rid of that 2 before my clothing size, now if I can just get rid of it on the scale.  16 pounds to go to 199!

I need to get back to the gym.  Today marks a week that I have been absent and though it bothers me to not go, my weight has maintained despite Christmas.  We're heading to NY for a few days next week and I'm hoping maybe there is a gym in our hotel so maybe I can get in a workout or two.  I have to wonder if part of my hormonal freak out this week was due in part to lack of exercise as my body had gotten used to it.  Certainly exercise has to let out some kind of endorphins or something I'd think, and maybe mine were trapped and came out in the way of insane emotions.  I think that Christmas/church stress played a part in it as well, but I do think my lack of working out added to it.

I have promised pictures and you will have them soon.  I just haven't had time to resize them and The Brit is working on a weight loss photo compilation on Photoshop for me.  One day I will learn to work that program!

Well, I Made It!

Christmas started and began really early.  What I mean by that is that the candlelight service went late and we were after 1:00am getting home this morning.  Then as JJ is still a believer of the Santa Claus, we had to wait for the boys to fall asleep so Santa could come and that placed us in bed somewhere around 2:30am.  The kids were then up at 7:30 this morning.

JJ keeps things rather interesting.  He not only left out cookies and milk for Santa (milk poured back and cookies returned to tin as Santa had RNY and can't have them) but he also left a HUGE cardboard box he has been working on to make it a radio station (don't ask me why as I have no idea).  He left a note for Santa asking that his elves take the box back to the North Pole, finish it in 2009 and then leave him a picture of the finished radio station next Christmas.

And the kid will remember.

So now said box is in my trunk and I am trying to figure out what to do with it.  I know two artists who might be able to make something out of it.  Or maybe I should take a photo of a real radio station and next Christmas he can think the elves really outdid themselves.  Crikey, what is the answer??

Santa was good to me this year; a diamond bracelet, a gift card for one of my favorite clothing stores, an alarm clock for my ipod and the DVD "Mama Mia" all from my Brit.  The kids did well with an ipod, a guitar and Rockband for Wii as well as some smaller items.  They are now at grandma's having a second Christmas. 

Our pastor joined us for dinner though his wife is ill and elected to stay home to feel better.  My brother and sister in law also stayed for dinner as her mother wasn't feeling well and decided she wasn't having Christmas dinner. With both a lamb and a turkey, we had plenty to go around.

My favorite moment of Christmas though was last night.  I loved the song Kirk, Paula and I sang in church "Christmas Offering" and I loved the lighting of the candles for "Silent Night."  Better than any gift is still the reminder of what it is we are truly celebrating.

So what was your favorite gift this year?

I'm DONE

Sometimes I just don't explain things well.  I think between the situation I was in and Jils' insight from her own experiences my thoughts did not come out well enough.

I do not think W is mad at me because I had surgery.  She has been nothing short of supportive and happy for me.  However, her reaction to A's remark, in the moment, was so intense (a side of her I don't think I've ever seen) that it had me thinking that somehow I had contributed to how she was feeling.  I tend to over analyze things anyway; trying to figure out dynamics in relationships, etc. and I think I really did that with this situation.  She reacted strongly enough that I felt for certain that she had to be upset about more than a remark and I was not taking into consideration her reaction at actually having to say something about how she was feeling (she is in my club of "no confrontation is generally the way to go.").  I just hate conflict and contention as they both freak me out to no end.  Ask The Brit how I can get by arguing with him.  I just lose it and cry.  It probably comes from being a bottler with my emotions and when suddenly something frees them, they pour out in ways that to normal people seems excessive.  If I cried or released my emotions more often, we probably would not have these semi-annual freak out sessions.

Anyway, I'm done with this situation.  I think it's okay.  I hope it's okay.  It's the time of year where we are all stressed out and trying to get stuff done and frazzled and my emotions were in overdrive for two days for a few different reasons.  A double shot of zoloft last night and things are close to being right again in my world.  I can only but hope it stays that way.

In the meantime, I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.  I hope you are surrounded by those you most love and that you recount all the blessings you have been given all year. 

I heard a song today that I think was a gift from God directly to me based upon how I have been feeling about this holiday and I leave you with the lyrics:

I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove

Children are crying while mothers are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?

Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will toward men?

Every shepherd's out in the field
Keeping watch over their clock by night
And the glory of the Lord shone around them
And they were so afraid

And the angels said fear not for behold
I bring you good news of a great joy that shall be for all people
For unto you is born this day a Savior, who is Christ the Lord
And his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
To end this crazy day with a silent night

Turning the Corner, Maybe?

I did not wake up in a better mood this morning and actually more things happened today; different kinds of attacks that would not have been a big deal were I not already feeling so raw.

I poured out yesterday's entire situation to my Cut and Paste girls (those bloggy friends who have had RNY) because the idea would not leave me that my friend's insecurities were being further flamed by my surgery.  It's the kind of stuff you only read about when you are preparing for WLS but you don't think you will truly find yourself in the situation...and then suddenly there you are. 

Jil had some amazing insight and I hope she doesn't mind if I post it here with changing a few things to protect the privacy of the people involved.  The comment yesterday had to do with weight and someone took it as being aimed at them which it was not.  It was just supposed to be a funny comment that was taken personally and I could indeed see both sides.  But Jil had this to offer and it might be a good thing for gals like Susan, who are just beginning their journey and if nothing else, I  have always wanted my blog and my posts about my journey through this surgery to help others going through the same things.  If words can help someone else, I'm all for it.  Other bloggers have helped me on my way through this uncharted by me territory so I want to pay it forward.  I am using the letters "W" and "A" to differentiate the two parties involved.

I have no doubt you have been on W's end before receiving an innocently intended comment that came across as hurtful and very personal.  To that end I am sure you have been on A's end as well as the one who made the comment intended innocuously enough but ill received.  The truth is W, although overly so, reacted in a way that her emotions and insecurities dictated to her.  They are neither right nor wrong.  They are simply the by-products of long held personal insecurities, being that A comes from a place of obesity W probably reacted more intensely because she would not have seen it coming and she trusts A as a friend.  I know that A meant no fowl.  Obese people tend to be brutal in their humor about obesity.  We do and don't even second guess ourselves.  If I was A, and made such a comment which I very well could have, I would have ultimately been thinking about myself and how such a comment once would have been directed at me can't really be said anymore.  I would not have given a second thought to W's feelings because it would never have occurred to me that she might think she was fat.  Her idea of fat and mine would be very different, BUT I cannot say that W is not entitled to her unhappiness about her weight.  I used to scoff at those who would bitch about the 5 or 10 lbs they needed to lose and how miserable and ugly they felt.  After all they didn't know the real meaning of fat, misery or ugly, I owned that category and felt their complaining about those vanity pounds were unfounded and ridiculous and even spiteful.  As I have lost weight I have begun to learn that I don't have the market on those feelings and their misery is very real.  
 
Just be aware that your reactions although equally founded are just that.  Reactions.  I am sure to W if she knew about your feelings on the subject, she would feel you are over-reacting just as you feel she has over-reacted.  It will be hard on her and indeed all of your friends who want for you such happiness and success but at that same time your success will open their own insecurities for deeper scrutiny.  Everyone wants personal improvement and everyone can see yours.  Your success is tangible.  That is hard for a lot of people to take.  I have dealt with it as well, mostly with friends.  We all have the roles we play and when the rules for one change, the rules for everyone change.  The old dynamic that was so comfortable to everyone no longer fits.  You made the move.  You are adjusting to your role.  It is much more difficult for everyone else because you are the one that chose to change.  It wasn't their choice.  Now new roles have to be figured out and not everyone is going to be on the same page as you.  I have been the fat girl for the last 15 years.  That was my role.  The fat, funny side-kick...I no longer fit that role...it has been an adjustment for me but I came through it.  There have been some in my life that meant a great deal to me that could not handle my new role in their life.  Hopefully you will fair better in this resepct.  Don't coddle W but don't pay her lip service either.  Tell her your feelings as she told you hers.  There is no room in viable friendships to harbor ill will or negativity.  At some point it will rear it's head...best not let it fester.  You are valuable to one another.  Don't let a well placed arrow find the chink in your armor.  Your friendship deserves honesty as do you.   

I'm still stuck at a crossroads with how to handle things.  I do think that my weight loss in some way may have aggrevated the reaction yesterday and though I cannot change what I did with surgery,nor would I ever want to, it's very hard for me to feel like I have helped contribute to someone else's insecurity about themselves.  I didn't change me for anyone else other than me.  The choice was by me, for me and as Jaime pointed out to me, I have WORKED for it; it wasn't handed to me.  There are people out there who have failed at this surgery so everyday when I leave the gym soaking wet with sweat, that is me working to make sure that I succeed.  The idea that anyone else may be upset or put out or even uncomfortable with my redefining role within my circle doesn't sit well with me.  It distresses me greatly but on the same token, I know I can't be responsible for how anyone else feels.  I know that in my head, but my heart wants to hope I can fix it, yet I am so bad at any type of confrontation, even if it is sitting down and talking to W and try and find out if I have upset her in some way or if she is struggling with me.  What if she says yes?  How do I fix that?  Are there other people in my life that are feeling that way? 

This was one of my fears.  How can I not be excited over losing 100 pounds or over how good I feel now physically and emotionally?  I did 42 years of obesity; I feel like I did my time.  I was not a slim teenager or a sexy twenty-something.  I feel like I deserve this and deserve to be happy over it,but the happiness diminishes alot at the thought that my happiness may be a hard thing for someone else. 

Who's Insecure?

So there was this whole big issue today between two people I am very close to and somehow I got placed in the middle and it was very awkward and horrible.  It was one of those situations where one person said something in a joking way, not knowing the other person's insecurities.  I mean, you can tell a beautiful model she is ugly and if she has a self image already of "ugly" she will believe what the person said because it reinforces what she already believes about herself. 

This situation had to do with weight and though I won't go into great detail, a general joke was made that someone else took personally.  The second it happened, I knew that that one person would not take the comment the way it was intended because I know both parties better than they know each other.  I knew the tease was meant as a general tease, not directed at anyone.  I also knew that the other person would feel it was directed at them in a malicious manner because of self image issues.  I was right on both accounts, but trying to get both people to see things both ways as I could was almost impossible.  I was not even directly involved in the situation and I was the one who spent the afternoon crying because two people I loved were upset. 

Of course, it also brought up all of my old insecurities as well.  I have been feeling relatively comfortable with myself the last couple of months, but I knew today that a year ago, had someone made the same innocent remark, it would have hurt me, no matter how unintentional the remark was meant to be.

It also scares me because I don't want to become obnoxious in my joy over losing weight.  It's really hard for me to not be happy about it and when I'm happy, I tend to want to share.  I don't want to become annoying.  So many people have struggles with weight; for one person, five extra pounds is every bit as big a deal as 100 pounds is to someone else (despite the fact that some who are 100 or more pounds overweight have trouble wrapping their minds around the five pound person).  I'm saying that one person may be busting their tail to lose twenty pounds and here I have dropped 100.  I don't want my success with my surgery and lifestyle changes to frustrate the person battling twenty pounds, because I get that.  100 pounds ago, I could be so frustrated with people who could seemingly eat anything they wanted and never gain a pound, so I don't want to be the one causing the frustration.  It almost scares me now that when receiving a compliment on my weight loss, instead of shrugging it off like I would have a few months ago with "I still have a long way to go." I am now comfortable enough to just say, "Thank you.  I feel great."  Why do I feel guilty about that? Why is self affirmation of a positive light inducing guilt in me?  Is it because for so many years, I conditioned myself to have great difficulty accepting any kinds of compliments because with being morbidly obese, I didn't feel I deserved them for anything else I achieved? 

I feel like today has caught me in a place where I'm not sure of how to feel or what to do.  Apologies have been made between the two parties involved, but I am still feeling completely spent and not quite myself after the events of the day.  I feel exhausted right now and I feel like I'm trying to celebrate a holiday I can't even feel at the moment.  I'm hoping the feeling will pass with morning's light, but yet I'm not sure.

And JJ's hermit crab apparently died tonight as he left me a note after he went up to bed and I'm feeling really sad that she died, especially after not being a real attentive mom tonight with all the inner and outer drama from today.

It can only get better tomorrow, right?

One Down, One to Go

The Sunday school program was adorable (pics to come soon but I have no time to resize them tonight) and the cantata went very well too.  I really enjoyed singing with the choir and singing alto for the first time in my life.  Harmony is awesome. 

Tonight, I head to Walmart and then to the mall to try to finish off my last few gifts.  Longer post tomorrow night, I promise with hopefully new "After" photos!

Hey baby, let's go to Vegas

Did y'all notice my weight loss ticker??  Did ya, did ya?  Huh?  Huh?

I still have trouble believing it.

Bits and Pieces

I am absolutely sick on my stomach about the remains found in Florida belonging to Caylee Anthony.

Yes, I was almost 100% sure that they would be hers but I was still hoping for a different outcome.  Now the question of "Why?" remains.  Why would a mother do that?  Why with all the people out there who want kids and would have taken that child would Casey decide to kill her instead?  And yes, I totally believe Casey either did it or was responsible for having it done.

Paula and I had our massages today.  OMG, that is heaven on a table.  A complete hour and she worked everything; arms, shoulders, hands, fingers, legs, feet, toes and back.  Pure heaven.  Paula and I have decided this needs to be a semi-annual event as it was the best $80 I have spent in a long time.  It completely turned my mood around from yesterday's "Bah Humbug", so Brit, the next time you think I am being a bit testy, just slap $80 down on the table

My stomach bug is still hanging on and I don't know if it is responsible for my sudden difficulty in eating.  My pouch is just being really temperamental and again today, I didn't eat much.  A salad, half a sandwich and that is about it.  The sandwich did not go down all that well and though the salad did, there is no protein in it. Ugh.  Really need to get this turned around. I have enough issues with my protein levels.

Not sure what is on the agenda for tomorrow other than stopping over for Tod's Christmas party in the evening and finding two things I need for church on Sunday (a gift and something for our Christmas potluck). Sunday is the children's program (9:00 if anyone is interested) and the combined service with the cantata (10:30 if anyone is interested). 

I still have loads of stuff to do but I suppose I am getting there....S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Bucked off the bronco again

I swear, I am like one step away from becoming Scrooge.

Don't get me wrong; the true meaning of Christmas, I am all about that.  All this other busy crap that goes along with it?  Bahfreakinghumbug.

Why do I feel like I am single handedly trying to make Christmas happen at my house? Shopping, baking, wrapping, cooking, planning...I've got it all.  Throw in what feels like two dozen rehearsals and several thousand church bulletins and you have a recipe for a higher dosage of Zoloft, hohoho.

I've been at it from morning till night and don't feel like I am making a dent.  My intestinal bug is not quite gone and Aunt Flo is here so I am not anywhere near 100% yet and The Brit blew out his knee in an accident yesterday so he is in pain and grouchy and the kids have been relatively useless around here and can't seem to so much as wash a freakin' cup they dirty.  I don't understand the mentality of "I don't feel like washing it so I'll leave it for mom."  Do they think *I* feel like the washing it?  No, but I do it because no one else will.  I'd be more successful training a cat to wash up than a kid. This mentality of "Mom will do it" has got to go.  Mom has everything else to do while you two go up the road and play video games.  Is common courtesy really a thing of the past?  I've tried to teach it but they just don't seem to get it.

I could have gotten more done today had I felt better but I need to start feeling better because I am running out of time.  Ya know, give me that delightful week between Christmas Day and New Year's Day any day.  The kids will be away, I have library books to read, a few days away and what is looking to be a fun get together New Year's Eve. Can we just skip to December 26th, please?  While we're at it can someone wave a magic wand and get my stuff done for me so I can quit stressing about it not getting done? 

It's all so wrong.  The first Christmas that we are celebrating was peaceful and quiet. Mary may have been a bit stressed out with having to give birth but that had to go hand in hand with the anticipation of becoming a new mother....to a perfect child, the lucky woman. Bet Jesus did dishes.  Anyway, I digress.  Herod was probably a little stressed out as well but who cared?  Everyone came to marvel at this little baby in a manger.  No where does the Bible talk about buying presents for kids who can't do dishes or shopping amongst really rude at times people.  How did we get so far off course?  A time of joy and I have one big headache.

I think I need to rethink some things for next year.

Back in the saddle and riding like the wind!

After a very long night of an illin' stomach, I woke up this morning much better and by now am feeling back to normal, thank God, because I am still behind on that whole Christmas thing.  I still have baking to do and a few gifts to buy and cleaning and did I mention that our pastor and his wife are coming for dinner on Christmas day?  Lots to accomplish and the days are running out!

Not on the home front, but the church front, I have praise band rehearsal tomorrow night, need to learn a new song to do as a trio on Christmas Eve, have cantata rehearsal Friday night and Sunday is the Sunday school program and the cantata (can I tell you how excited I am to be singing ALTO for the first time in my life??  So fun!) and I am wearing a dress and I bought dreaded panty hose, guessing my new hose size and I reckon I'd better try them on before Sunday morning!  I haven't bought a pair since I was a pre-op.

Friday is the day Paula and I go for our Christmas massages and I'm thinking it will be long overdue! 

Ouch and Blah

I woke up today with numerous issues.

I was first off sore as hell from yesterday's workout with Jerry;  I have not had aches like this since I first started working out.  That on its own would have been okay had I not also woken up with the flu.  Headache and other achiness not associated from muscle working.  Then of course, I had to go to court.

I was due to be there at 2:00 and arrived with The Brit about 15 minutes early and then sat through other cases for almost two hours.  What I learned in that time is that some people should never touch alcohol because they can't handle it, especially in the quantities these folks were drinking it.  The couple sitting in front of us kept looking back at us and we would all shake our heads.  Finally our case came up and we saw them bring Tim out (he has been in custody) and of course after nearly two hours, he requested a jury trial and that was kind of how I thought things would go.  When they took him out, he smirked in our direction but once I got outside the courtroom, I realized he was smirking at the couple in front of us.  After a brief conversation we found out these were the people who owed the horse farm; the other couple Tim had robbed.  It was even worse for them because he played them as a kid who was trying to turn his life around and these folks helped him out A lot.  Bought him a car, he ate meals with them etc and he was stealing from them.  $2000 in cash and nearly the same in jewelry which thankfully, she got back.  The four of talked for nearly twenty minutes and exchanged phone numbers as we will be seeing each other again at the jury trial. They even told us that Tim had stolen from his own family and they had washed their hands of him.  No doubt he is going down eventually as the case against him is too tight.

Finally got home and snuggled down in bed for two hours and awoke freezing and with head still pounding.  I hope this is the flu as at least it will be gone tomorrow.

Basic Training

My training session with Jerry was today at the YMCA and it was pretty amazing.  He dispelled my fears about the exercise ball and taught me several exercises I could do with it.  He explained that though the circuit machines served a purpose and that it wasn't a bad thing I had been working them for the past several months, he said they were kind of superficial, because in your daily activities, you don't generally sit and pull down fifty pounds of weight 15 times for 4 reps.  Working with the ball, challenges your body and it can be modified based upon your ability.  So, I can start out easy if I need to (with having been working out there since August, the easiest way was generally too easy for me) and increase the resistance based on where I position my body on the ball.  Good stuff to know.

We did some dumbbell work too and the biggest challenge there was doing the correct form, but all in all a great workout.  Jerry is very nice and very professional and took the time to chat with me to find out more about my weight loss journey.  At first I was reluctant to confess to him that I'd had surgery.  He had me warming up on the bike and he came over to talk to find out how much weight I had lost and if I was doing a specific program like Weight Watchers and I remained very non-committal in my answers.  Problem was I really liked this guy and felt like I wanted to be honest.  I finally asked if I could confess something to him and not have him think less of me (what a terrible assumption, huh?  Thinking that a trainer would think less of me for having surgery, but one just never knows).  He said of course and I told him about the surgery in April.  He was very supportive and I gave him some of my weight history and he was the first one to say that having surgery didn't mean I didn't have to work at losing weight and that he knew how hard I had been working.  How nice to expect to be judged and getting exactly the opposite.

We talked about cardio too because I get a lot of different information depending on who I talk to; 30 minutes a day, 60 minutes a day, etc.  Jerry explained that my days should alternate, ie, working harder on the machine for a shorter period of time, like 30 minutes. Another day working at a less intense pace for longer like 50-60 minutes.  We talked about my desire to run and he said if he were me, he would wait until spring and I told him that was my only option as girlfriend hates the cold.  He said to get good running shoes and start out walking briskly and then running for a bit, alternating back and forth.  He said I should sign up for a 5k and go for it and again he reiterated that he had been watching me and he felt I had what it took to really be successful (and he is an older married gentleman, so this was all genuine and professional ) with this.  He said I should think of myself as an athlete in training all the time, that though I am not training for a specific event, the mindset is what I need as this working out thing is a long term ordeal as we all know.

So a good day.  Tomorrow I go to court to testify on the guy who robbed us.  Report tomorrow.

I see dead people

So sadly, we had one of our elderly homebound members of the church die on Friday.  She was 92 years old and had lived in assisted living in her own cottage for several years.  Due to some health problems, she had to move from her cottage and into the regular nursing home, which of course meant having to part with her furniture etc and she never recovered from this.  I kept hearing from the church lady how depressed this lady was and I kind of think she just gave up as she passed away at the beginning of the weekend.  I really didn't know her but I knew who she was and how active in the church she had been years ago.

We were discussed this in the car tonight on the way home from the grocery store and JJ asked if there would be a "dead body." 

"Yes," I told him, "At the funeral home, not at the church."  I went on to explain that I had been in the church with a body before because since I had worked there one funeral was held at the church.  JJ asked who it was and I rambled off a few names (I don't personally know most of our homebound members and we have lost several in the last year), stating it was one of them.

His face took on a VERY concerned look, "She was in the church?"

"Yes."

"Which pew?"

Very Peculair

So the weight loss from this week as of this morning is six pounds.

That blows me away a little and even concerns me a little as I have not had that kind of loss in a week in a long time.  On the upbeat though, The Brit hit his 100 pounds lost this morning and I only have two more pounds to go and then we are Las Vegas bound! 

We are also planning on spending a few nights in NYC over Christmas break, which I'm looking forward to. Catching a show, seeing Ground Zero, seeing New York at Christmas time; all very exciting.

I hit Kohls this morning and they were having a big early bird sale, which I didn't know until I was there.  Picked up some odds and ends I needed, but I am still not finished shopping.  CLOSE!  So close, but just not quite yet.  I still need two church gifts, and two friend gifts and then I am calling it quits. 

I swear that next year I am starting in like February.

Doors, Animals and Gift Wrapping with Felines

I was wrong....

....my scale did move again today!  I am now at 219!  I'm not sure what is causing this other than that due to time constraints the last two week, I have not been working the weights at the gym, but instead doing just an hour of cardio.  This is just such a busy time of year and where usually I spent close to two hours at the gym, I have had to cut it down to one hour for the time being until the holidays are over.  So, I wonder if not working with the weights means I am currently not building muscle, which we all know weighs more than fat, and that is how I have lost four pounds this week.  I'm not arguing!

I did not meet with the trainer this week but rescheduled it for this coming Monday.  This past Monday was Paula's birthday and though she celebrated with her family over the weekend, I didn't want her to spend her actual birthday at home alone.  So, Gerry will meet with me on Monday and I'll let you know how that goes.

Susan is rocking her weight loss already!  She is down 31 (I think) pounds so far and is doing well.  She has gone back to work and feels great!  Susan, it only gets better! Please feel free to pose any questions and the girls and I will probably give you a variety of answers!

It is very dreary out today; rainy and chilly and I hope it doesn't freeze tonight and cancel school tomorrow (please God, don't let that happen).  I am supposed to have cantata rehearsal tomorrow followed by a lunch date and I'm looking forward to it.

On the Weight Loss Front

I have somehow managed to lose three pounds so far this week.  I am certain it will now again taper off because I am sitting on the precipice of being out of the 220s and now only have five more pounds to go before I have lost 100 pounds.

Wow.

That somehow does not even feel possible. I got an email today with some comparisons that said that a one hundred pound weight loss is the equivalent of a two month old pony.

Again, Wow.

I could not lift a two month old pony, yet I carried one on my body for years.  This journey never ceases to amaze me.  I still take a pair of size 18-20 jeans off their hanger and look at them like there is no possible way I can fit into them.  They look way too small.  But they fit.  They border on loose.

I still hit the gym five days a week most weeks and I have realized that a huge motivation factor for me is fear.  I have left lunch with Paula thinking that I just didn't have enough time to go work out and that I was going home, then a breath later realized how easy that decision is to make.  I then turn my car around and drive to the gym because I never want to allow myself to again carry a two month old pony on my body.  Ever.  I will not allow myself to fail at this.  I cannot.  It has taken too much time, too much work, too much worry.  It has been too big of a relief to for the first time in my life feel close to "normal".  The joy I get out of being able to buy clothes from stores not called "Lane Bryant" or "Fashion Bug Plus" is incomparable.

Do I always eat 100% correctly.  Hell no.  I still have my moments of a couple of Reese miniatures or some such decadent indulgence.  The difference is that I don't eat the whole bag. The difference is that I move so much more that I burn off my calories.

Five more pounds till Vegas.

I should just learn to love surprises

It's hard sometimes when one uses their blog for venting and they need to vent about a situation regarding a family member; in this case a husband.  I am not bitching AT him, I am bitching NEAR him.  I'm just so frustrated right now and if I call him on it, tempers may flare and that is never a good thing.

Last night we discussed if he was going to be home for dinner; answer was yes.  Then I asked if he would be going to the YMCA and he said he really wanted to go.  I explained that I would need to go as well as I had a nail appointment on Tuesday (today) so I would not get to work out right after work as usual.  I thought we had a tentative plan.

I've been wrong before.

This morning started out badly.  Oldest son had left gallon of milk out on the counter, which meant it was out for over an hour.  I know that isn't long enough to spoil it, but still, he has done this before.  Then when I went downstairs to check the laundry and to throw our sheets in the wash, I found the huge mess that oldest son had assured me last night he had cleaned up.  Not a great way to start the day.  Then after I clean up enough of that mess to GET to my washing machine, I go back upstairs and the phone rang and it was a situation that I thought The Brit had resolved last week.

I've been wrong before.

Just not a great start to the day.  So when I called him about this issue, he said made mention of the possibility of taking care of that issue tonight.

That was the last I had heard.  So, here I sit, dinner not started because I don't know if we are going to the YMCA and I can't reach The Brit by either phone nor text message to get any information on how my life will play out tonight.  I could leave here right now with the kids and get my workout done, but I have no idea what he is doing.  Is he foregoing the gym and expecting dinner on the table at six?  Not a freakin' clue.  Do we have an appointment tonight regarding the issue?  Couldn't tell you.  I think I've been pretty patient the last two weeks when he has spent more time at work than at home, but when I don't have a clue what I am supposed to be doing, it really gets to me.  If I make a decision, it will probably be the wrong one, plus his gym bag is here so if he is going to the gym, of which I have no idea, I would need to take his bag with me.  I assume he is maybe in a meeting and cannot text me back, though when he is here at dinner and work texts him, well, they get answers.  I just don't understand why filling in thy spouse is so difficult.  Shoot me an email or a text or a message via mental telepathy, something!

Is it Christmas vacation yet?

ETA: I have to say that The Brit and I discussed this issue tonight and he apologized (he so gets points for that).  I know he has been insanely busy at work; it is already an insanely busy time of year.  I'm hoping we will now be working a bit harder at a little communication during the work week.

Wives vs Dinner

I took Paula to lunch today for her birthday and we had a discussion that is near and dear to both of our hearts and it was so nice to know that I am not alone in my frustration.

She was telling me how on Friday, she was cooking dinner.  Her Dear Hubby (DH) works down the road close to the city, so he has a commute home, but she said he was almost always home by 7:00pm, so this is the time she was planning dinner for.  Her veggie dish that night was lima beans (yuck) and she started them to be ready by 7:00.  DH did not get home until 8:45. No phone call to let her know he was running late, etc.  When they got dinner, DH and their youngest son, who is almost 18, started mocking the poor overcooked lima beans with things like "Hey, maybe next time you could start cooking these at like eight in the morning."  Of course, she finally had to point out that she had been planning dinner for 7:00.

The Brit works an insane amount of hours a week and he has an insane job with many responsibilities.  I get it and I appreciate it because it means that I can work my part time job and accomplish all the comings and goings of house and kids, and sometimes even get to enjoy lunch with a friend.  My only frustration with his job and with him in direct reference to his job is that I often have no clue as to what time he is coming home.  Yes, there are some nights when he tells me that the kids and I should go ahead and eat without him and sometimes we do, but really, I would rather sit down to dinner as a family if at all possible.  There are evenings I will call him to find out his ETA, he will give me one and then be 45 minutes to an hour late.

Now in the big scheme of life, the time our husbands get home is not really that big a deal I guess, but the problem is that there is no food fairy.  Things have to cook a specific amount of time and often meats kept on Warm too long become dried out and gross.  Veggies get overcooked and turn to mush.  I get hungry and the kids start circling the kitchen as if they are deciding to overthrow the mama lion and take the feast for themselves.

The same kind of goes for knowing whether or not a husband is going to be home for dinner or if there is a business dinner.  I get that the husbands do not always know immediately.  I get it, I do.  But please see it from another perspective.  If it is just myself and the kids, minimal cooking actually occurs.  I don't eat much so anything suits me and the kids always, and I mean always want eggs when dad isn't going to be home for dinner.  So this requires minimal planning....and minimal defrosting as meat is generally frozen.  If we don't know until four or five 'o clock that you will be home for dinner, then it is a royal pain to figure out what to have for dinner that can be defrosted in a hurry so we can have it cooked and ready by six or even dried out by six-forty-five.

So there lies a female dilemma.  We try not to get angry and frustrated but we are wives and not magicians.  There is no POOF the food is on the table wand.  We love and adore our husbands.  We just like to know what time their bread is to be buttered.

My new addiction:



Oh, and I think I broke my little toe yesterday.

The Weekend

So though the weekend did not exactly go as I had wanted it to, at the very least, it was productive.

The Brit had to work ALL weekend and I mean all weekend.  I was highly annoyed about it Friday night, but as there was not much I could do about the situation, I tried to settle in and see what could be accomplished. 

So Saturday morning I went to the gym as I did not get to go on Friday.  After that, my mom came over and then we all met The Brit for lunch and after lunch, he took the kids to work with him so mom and I could Christmas shop.  I think the kids are actually done now, which is a plus.  I still have a few people to buy for, but I at least have a dent in it.  Today, after church and Sunday school, I took the kids grocery shopping and then came home and wrapped a few gifts and did most of my Christmas cards.  I also rearranged the dining room to accomodate the tree when we get it; probably next weekend.

So I at least feel a little bit ahead of the game now.  Well, if not ahead, at least sort of on schedule for me.

Continuation

I hate this keyboard.  I have to hit the keys VERY deliberately in order for them work, so typing takes twice as long.

Anyway, Ms. Lee, the "advisor" from yesterday decided to write me back.  She says this:

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! They are always welcome on any and every article I write.
 I HAVE done my homework on all weight loss surgeries and any other type of weight loss option as I have written countless articles on the subject as well as a well-written 176 page book to support facts, studies....and YES my expressed opinion!!!

I also work with the best professional health professionals in the WORLD that make sure I am well-versed on any health subject I choose to write about!

That is MY right! If you don't like and/or agree with any statements I make, you could always choose to cover your eyes and not read! That is what is so beautiful about this country!

I know what the surgeons whose main concern is (money) feed their patients by way of information before advising the surgery....I am quite familiar with the process as many of my clients that have had the surgery end up coming to ME and using my services to heal themselves and learn the real secret to weight loss - IF they are blessed to survive. I personally know many who have not!

I will tell you -like I have told many before you, and certainly any that come after you - when you start tampering with GOD'S handiwork...manipulating body parts, you are looking for trouble....it Will happen inevitably when this rule is violated!

Good Health To You!

Makeisha Lee

I hate it with a passion when people start throwing God into the mix simply to try to justify their own judgments. Her article certainly didn't strike me as Christian when she judged Randy Jackson and anyone else who has had WLS. And who are these "best health professionals in the WORLD" she cites? That would be like me writing an article and saying that  any obese person who did not get WLS is asking for trouble and you know what?  I'm betting any amount of money I could find "the best health professionals in the WORLD" to back me.

I responded with this:

But aren't heart transplants, liver transplants, etc, all "tampering with God's handiwork"?  People would be manipulating body parts by replacing them because they were no longer working for them.
 
Fact is I know several people who have had this surgery, myself included, some as far out as ten years, with NO ill effects.  And you have a sense of "weight loss surgery is the easy way out" in your article where for some people, MANY people, it is the ONLY way out.  I can speak for myself and people I know that we have tried the dieting and working out for most of our lives.  But when you are 3, 4, and 5 years old, an active child and are still overweight, leading to obesity, well, there is medical information that this can be genetic!  That bit of medical information was not addressed in your article.
 
I'd have felt better had you maybe mentioned that there are people this surgery DOES indeed work for.  And to insinuate that anyone who had surgery should not be commended on their weight loss is not justified.  I spend five days a week, 2-3 hours a day at the gym, working!  I do not get to eat what I want; my food intake is limited, so my choices have to be healthy ones so I get the most bang for my buck.
I can say 100% that this surgery is NOT for everyone.  There are some who should not do it, should never consider it.  But to say it is not for ANYONE is also not true.
 
Thanks for your time and for hearing me out. 
Merry Christmas
Kim

I'll let you all know if there are any new developments.  Really, this whole thing was probably a waste of my time, but it did give me blog fodder for two days.

Uneducated Opinion?

Okay, RNYers, tell me what you think. 

Makeisha Lee is apparently a health and nutritional advisor who writes for Blacknews.com.  Now, granted, I am not a black person, but black, white or purple, I think her article leaves something to be desired.  It reads as follows:

Is Randy Jackson The Next "Weight-Loss" Idol? 

By Makeisha Lee, Health and Nutritional Advisor

Randy Jackson, the Black male host of one of America’s most popular TV shows “American Idol” just dropped a ton of weight, and a new book to go along with it.

Randy sites the reason for doing so was prompted by his health scare of a diagnosis of Diabetes. This comes as no surprise to the African American community considering that we lead in the highest incidences of this life threatening disease. However what is shocking is the fact that this popular TV figure has opted to use Gastric Bypass surgery to end his fat person woes.

From Star Jones to Muhammad Ali’s daughter and other well-know Black celebrities, this horrific trend is increasing in numbers and popularity within the Black community.

This preferred method of “butchery” to lose weight is the new quick fix that poses so many more health risks to the candidate in question, than the ones they are trying to avoid. It is clear that even when one has an overflow of resources, money, expert fitness trainers and top-notch nutritionists at their disposal that the quick fix is often chosen. So what’s wrong with that?

Here are 2 main thoughts to ponder:

1) Since gastric bypass surgery involves re-routing the bowel, it creates potential blockages down the road that one has to deal with “for life”, per Dr. Andrew Larson who happens to be quite skilled at performing these types of surgeries.

2) You absolutely will end up with nutritional deficiencies and digestion problems, which can lead to a variety of other health problems. You may also experience symptoms that will appear post-operatively like, frequent vomiting, eye movement irregularities and more.

Beyond the obvious dangers that weight loss surgery pose to the overweight person, what kind of message is this sending to the greater public? The real problem is not being addressed! Nonetheless, the message is, “go get this surgery, eat what you want, you don’t get as fat again but you still end up with a disease ridden body from unhealthy food choices – only a skinnier one!"

Black America has enough ways to die without even trying! It is foolish to take such a risk just to lose some weight when there are other safer, healthier and more effective ways to skinning that cat!

The time is ripe for us to stop using these band-aid remedies that only serve to correct one problem while creating hundreds more. Best wishes to Randy Jackson, but the consensus is that he is no “Idol” when it comes to losing weight. The hundreds of un-sung heroes out there that have lost a hundred or more pounds through proper nutrition and exercise should be hailed the real “American Idols”!

As I have so much trouble keeping my opinions to myself, I emailed Ms. Lee the following:

"go get this surgery, eat what you want, you don't get as fat again but you still end up with a disease ridden body from unhealthy food choices – only a skinnier one!"

The above may be YOUR message, but it is certainly not the message of any well educated person who researches this surgery before making an educated choice to have it.  That quote has so many assumptions and incorrect information that it is offensive to my sensibilities.  That quote proves to me that you have not done your homework before writing those words.  Why?  Because you cannot eat "what you want" after surgery and you can get fat, as fat again or even fatter if you don't play by the rules.  Playing by the rules diminishes your chances of any post-op problems and the "disease ridden body" is only your opinion based on...well, I don't even know what.  Maybe you just pulled that one out of your nether region or something. 
 
If you are against gastric bypass surgery, fine.  It is certainly your right to be against whatever you would like to be against.  But next time, maybe you should do your homework and write an article based on all the facts, not just the ones you want and decide to put your own spin on.
Thank you,
Kim

Of course, it also grates on my last nerve that she hints that having WLS is "the easy way out" in her last sentence.  Again, those of us who have had surgery don't do any work to get the weight off or keep it off and having major surgery was the equivalent of going to a spa and having a massage. 

If anyone else would like to comment her on her article, her email address is with the article here.  I don't mind that people have opinions, but I do mind when common sense doesn't rule the things they write about or that they can only see something one way; their way.

Thanks Mom....I think

So last night I am Christmas shopping with my mother in LL Bean, as I was looking for a coat, for me...so that was sort of Christmas shopping...but anyway (and I did do real Christmas shopping btw) we are walking though the store and my mother is walking behind me and she is 80 and talks kind of loud at times and she says:

"I JUST CAN'T GET OVER YOUR ASS!"

She means it is way smaller, but I'm not sure what the rest of the store thought about it though.

One other amusing piece of information and then I will let this one tale die forever (I think).  I got a Christmas card today from beach sister and she always encloses one of those newsletters.  I read it and she talked about their beach excursion with their kids and grandkids and then went right to leaving the beach and getting to spend time with her brother and his wife and our mother in Baltimore.  So, I'm not sure what I was so upset about last summer.  I was apparently never at the ocean and it must have all been a bad dream.

Whew. Glad I got that cleared up.  It's like I wasn't even there.

A Welcome Unannounced Visit

Pastor Phil stopped by the church for a visit today.  I don't know what it is about this man that just brings joy to my heart.  That may sound cheesy but that is the only way to describe it.  It had been months since I had last seen him and when the door buzzer went off today and I turned to look at my monitor and saw who it was, I kid you not, I RAN until I would have been seen running for the door as that would have been way not cool

Maybe it is because Pastor Phil came to our church right after an extremely tumultuous time and the man radiates peace and calm.  Maybe it is because he just an amazing person, one of the kindest people I have ever met in my life.  Maybe it is because at times I see a surrogate father in him.  I have no idea what it is about him that just makes me so happy to just see him; just simple unadulterated joy. 

The day got even better (if that is even possible after a Pastor Phil visit) when the Brit offered to deal with the kids tonight so I can get out there and Christmas shop.  Amen and Alleluia!  First peace, calm and joy come my way and then someone else dear to me offers to alleviate some stress.

The week is lookin' up.

Oy

Only Tuesday and this has been the longest week of my life, or so it feels.  No reason in particular (other than the grumpiness that has been going on around here in the morning which is about to drive me to DRINK), just general busy-ness.  Church has been busy and I am so incredibly far behind on Christmas, yet I can get NOTHING done as I always have kids with me and right now I need to be home by 2:30 as the oldest child has been grounded for cutting off Grace's whiskers (Sorry Lisa) just because he "felt like it" and as I don't trust him to stay home when I'm not here, it is leaving me with tons to do and no means to get it done.  I'm hoping to get out Friday night if at all possible so I can put a dent in the shopping so I am not scurrying around Christmas freakin' eve trying to git 'er done.

So as shopping is not an option right now (at least not without forgoing the gym which is also NOT an option) I've taken to cleaning and decorating and list making.

Gift List:

Kids, gifts and stocking stuffers
Cranky Brit
Robyn
Kirk
Dane
Big John
Cathy and John
Mom           
Paula-birthday
Robyn-birthday (already late on that  one

Other stuff         

Get lights up on trees outside
clean kitchen floor
get the Christmas cards addressed and soon in the mail
Plan menu for open house on the Sunday after Christmas (y'all will get your invites in your cards, but mark your calendars now please.)
Try to locate sanity

Every year I say I am going to start Christmas shopping like February and if I could ever achieve that goal, maybe I could enjoy the month of December for what it is supposed to be.

                                                                                                                            

The one and only Monday highlight

So after a four day absence due to the holiday weekend, I went to the gym after work.  I had just finished my leg work and had walked over to get my towel and water before hitting the elliptical, when the older gentleman who was working approached me.  Let me preface this by reminding you that I had been trying to find someone who would teach me some of the "big boy weights" in the middle of the room but was too self conscious to ask a stranger for help.  When it comes to working out, no matter how much weight I have lost and how much exercise I am now capable of, I still feel like the fat girl at the gym.

So, the man approaches me and says "You're working hard."

I was startled, not accustomed to anyone paying me a workout compliment, what with being the fat girl and all at the gym, but I blushed and smiled and said, "Well, I try."

"No, I mean it.  I've been watching you and you work really hard out there.  How much have you lost?"

"93 pounds so far."

This launched us into a little conversation about what machines I generally worked and I got up the courage to ask him if he would ever be willing to show me some of the other machines.

"Let's set up an appointment right now."

I meet with him a week from today and I will be learning some of the big boy weights.  Go me.

Live and Learn....Again.

One would think that after seven months, I would know better than to push things, but Noooooo.

I do a really good job of keeping foods I should not eat out of my house.  Though I try to be strict with myself, I am not above slipping if temptation is right under my nose.  But today was my pearl party so I had to have munchies for my guests.  I did a pretty good job of not going overboard with sugar.  I had shrimp and cocktail sauce, crab dip made with crab, lowfat mayo and light cream cheese, reduced fat Triscuits and reduced fat Wheat Thins and fruit and fruit dip.

Fruit dip is an addictive thing for me.  I love it.  LOVE IT.  I made it with light cream cheese but there is no escaping that marshmallow cream, baby!  During the party, I had a few bits of with a little dip with no ill effects and of course, this makes me want to push the envelope apparently.  Tonight, I decided on grapes and dip as a snack.  Usually only the grapes would be my snack, but hell, there is DIP!

So now that I have spent a half hour spitting up dip over the sink, I think I have learned my lesson.  Getting away with a taste or two is not bad, but if sugar is involved, one must learn to STOP.  It has taken  my pouch a good thirty minutes to settle down.  Fruit dip in my house is not good!

I have pictures from Lancaster yesterday, but am too tired tonight to resize them.  Can anyone tell me where a four day weekend went??

The Real Terrorists are out on Black Friday

Let me preface this by saying that I am not in any way trying to make light of terrorist attacks by by title.  The title just worked for what I am writing about today.  I am caught between angry sarcasm and deep sadness by what my mother told me this morning, and as soon as I got home I had to look it up for myself. 

A Walmart worker died early Friday after an "out-of-control" mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Long Island store's front doors and trampled him, police said.

The Black Friday stampede plunged the Valley Stream outlet into chaos, knocking several employees to the ground and sending others scurrying atop vending machines to avoid the horde.

When the madness ended, 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour was dead and four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured.

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said Wal-Mart worker Jimmy Overby, 43.

"They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me.

"They took me down, too ... I didn't know if I was going to live through it. I literally had to fight people off my back," Overby said.

Damour, a temporary maintenance worker from Jamaica, Queens, was gasping for air as shoppers continued to surge into the store after its 5 a.m. opening, witnesses said.

Even officers who arrived to perform CPR on the trampled worker were stepped on by wild-eyed shoppers streaming inside, a cop at the scene said.

"They pushed him down and walked all over him," Damour's sobbing sister, Danielle, 41, said. "How could these people do that?

"He was such a young man with a good heart, full of life. He didn't deserve that."

Damour's sister said doctors told the family he died of a heart attack.

His cousin, Ernst Damour, called the circumstances "completely unacceptable."

"His body was a stepping bag with so much disregard for human life," Ernst Damour, 37, said. "There has to be some accountability."

Roughly 2,000 people gathered outside the Wal-Mart's doors in the predawn darkness.

Chanting "push the doors in," the crowd pressed against the glass as the clock ticked down to the 5 a.m. opening.

Sensing catastrophe, nervous employees formed a human chain inside the entrance to slow down the mass of shoppers.

It didn't work.

The mob barreled in and overwhelmed workers.

"They were jumping over the barricades and breaking down the door," said Pat Alexander, 53, of Crown Heights, Brooklyn. "Everyone was screaming. You just had to keep walking on your toes to keep from falling over."

After the throng toppled Damour, his fellow employees had to fight through the crowd to help him, police said.

Witness Kimberly Cribbs said shoppers acted like "savages."

"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, 'I've been on line since Friday morning!'" Cribbs said. "They kept shopping."

When paramedics arrived, Damour's condition was grave.

"They were pumping his chest, trying to bring him back, and there was nothing," said Dennis Smokes, 36, a Wal-Mart worker.
Damour was taken to Franklin Hospital and pronounced dead at 6:03 a.m.

Hank Mullany, president of Wal-Mart's northeast division, said the company took extraordinary safety precautions.

"We expected a large crowd this morning and added additional internal security, additional third-party security, additional store associates and we worked closely with the Nassau County police," he said in a statement.

"We also erected barricades. Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred."

The 28-year-old pregnant woman and three other shoppers were taken to area hospitals with minor injuries, police said.

In a news conference after the incident, Nassau County police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming described the crowd as "out of control" and the scene as "utter chaos." He said Wal-Mart did not have enough security onhand.

Fleming said criminal charges were possible but that it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers in surveillance videos.

Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28 and Men's Wrangler Tough Jeans for $8.

The Long Island store reopened at 1 p.m. and was packed within minutes.

"I look at these people's faces and I keep thinking one of them could have stepped on him," said one employee. "How could you take a man's life to save $20 on a TV?"

So I guess nothing says Merry Christmas more than a stampede of people who can't take the time to summon up common sense and what should be an ingrained sense of concern for other people.  This situation disgusts me and though they will probably never catch the individuals who trampled this poor young man, they know who they are.  You can't knock someone over nor step on them without remembering that, unless of course, you are truly a savage.

And if that is not bad enough, this also happened yesterday:

 Two men were shot and killed Friday inside a Toys R Us in Palm Desert, Calif., during a confrontation apparently involving rival groups, city officials said.

Palm Desert Councilman Jim Ferguson said police told him two men with handguns shot and killed each other. Ferguson said he asked police whether the incident was a dispute over a toy or whether it was gang-related. He said police told him they were not going to release further details until the victims' relatives were notified.

"I think the obvious question everyone has is who takes loaded weapons into a Toys R Us?" he said. "I doubt it was the casual holiday shopper."

City spokeswoman Sheila Gilligan said police told her the shooting broke out between "two groups of individuals that have a dispute with each other."

Riverside County sheriff's Sgt. Dennis Gutierrez said Palm Desert police got a call saying shots had been fired inside the store around 11:35 a.m.

Gutierrez confirmed there was a fight but said it was not over a toy.

He released little information at a news conference five hours after the shooting but emphasized there were no outstanding suspects and that no one was arrested. Detectives were reviewing security video and interviewing witnesses, he said.

The incident occurred near the front of the store in the check-out area. Gutierrez said

Witnesses are calling the incident a murder-suicide, but that could not be immediately confirmed.

Bob Friedland, public relations manager for Toys R Us said the company is working closely with local law enforcement to determine the specific details of what happened at the store.

"We are outraged by the act of violence that occurred...and by the fact that anyone would compromise the safety and security of our customers and employees," Friedland said. "Our understanding is that this act seems to have been the result of a personal dispute between the individuals involved. Therefore, it would be inaccurate to associate the events of today with Black Friday."

Shopper Sarah Pacia, of Cathedral City, Calif., told The Desert Sun that she was browsing through the coloring books in the store with her two young sons, ages 4 and 6, when she heard a ruckus coming from the next aisle.

At first, she thought it was a Black Friday scuffle over a toy on sale, the paper reported. Then she heard three or four shots ring out. Store employees quickly escorted her outside.

She said her terrified 4-year-old son Jayden clung to her leg and told her that he didn't want to die.

"This is Toys R Us. There are kids shopping in there," Pacia told the Sun.

Immediately after the shooting, about 20 people rushed into the World Gym across the street from Toys 'R' Us, the gym's assistant manager Glenn Splain told The Associated Press in a telephone interview.

"They were crying, tearing and shaking," Splain said, adding that one woman came in cradling a baby.

"Some people got into a fight," said Splain, who spoke with some of the customers. "One of the guys here thought it was over a toy but it got louder and louder and then there were gunshots."

Palm Desert is about two hours southeast of Los Angeles.

Okay, so maybe this one was gang related, but HELLO??  Toy store!!!  Kids everywhere!  Where is anyone's common sense anymore?

C'mon people, isn't it time we stopped acting like animals who have to save a few bucks and start acting with respect and grace towards each other?  When did it become okay to break down a Walmart door?  When did it become okay to not leave the store when employees announced someone had DIED?  I would expect this kind of behavior out of elephants, being wild and all, but people?  What is wrong with the human race? 

My heart aches for the people who lost a loved one yesterday because of the selfishness of people.  Is Christmas really about getting that deal? Funny, I listened to Christmas carols all day today on Sirius on the way to Lancaster and back and none of the songs talked about killing other people in order to purchase an item.  For that matter, I shopped today and neither myself nor anyone I was in the stores with got so much as bruised by unruly individuals. 

Sadly, human beings should really be beyond such behavior.  It absolutely sickens me.  Christmas isn't about "stuff" and at what price you can get it.  A few people really need to remember that.

No Longer Hiding

I have written in this blog before about my closet desire to become a published author.  I have also written about my deep-rooted fear of rejection in doing so.  I have no idea why it scares me so much, but it does.  After all, there is that whole "nothing ventured, nothing gained" quote and all. 

The fact is, I love to write.  I write all the time and have been doing so since middle school, most of it some kind of fan fiction, but the stories are original, even if the characters are not.  I have probably spent enough hours, days and years writing things that can never be published to equal a couple of full length novels. 

I kind of feel like I have been coming into my own ever since my surgery, a sort of stepping into the ring instead of watching it from the sidelines.  Are all my insecurities gone?  Of course not. Are anyone's insecurities ever all gone?  Probably not and if you are one who has none, please tell me your secret.  But nonetheless, this has been a coming out period for me.  There are days I feel downright daring and full of life as if I am completely unstoppable.  It isn't always easy, but I no longer feel that there is a barrier holding me back from things that I want.

One of the things I want is to be published and I am slowly convincing myself that 2009 is the year for me to begin writing seriously.   I have about a million story ideas floating around in my head and they sometimes make me feel like screaming as I can't seem to pick one, but I'm working on controlling that bit of insanity.

So, here is my little secret.  I entered a small writing contest that is put out by a Christian organization.  They give you the story title and you have 750 words or less to write a little story.  I sent mine off last night.  I don't expect to win as I really don't think short stories are my specialty; too hard to find emotion and intent in so few words and especially difficult to develop characters in a handful of paragraphs.  I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I'm coming out after all.

I think the fear lies in finding out that I'm not good enough.  I've always felt that I am a halfway decent writer, but what if I'm not?  That is not a statement to solicit kind remarks or validation, but simply a factual question.  What if publishing companies tell me "You're crap."? 

That's the scary part, but I'm going to try to put the fear aside and just write, without concern for consequences; just for the pure love of it.

We'll see what happens.

Happy Thanksgiving

So Thanksgiving is almost officially over and it was relatively successful from a WLS patient's first one.  Ate more than I normally would at a meal but I don't think I overate.  Majority of what I had was turkey, then a taste of stuffing and sweet potatoes and a bite or two of saurkraut (which I love).  The cranberry sauce was good and the pumpkin roll looked weird but tasted pretty good.  The problem with it, I think, is that we had to buy a jelly roll pan and I think I bought one too big.  When you spread the batter out on the pan, you have to spread it evenly all over and that made for a pretty thin layer on the pan, thus, it didn't rise too much.  A smaller pan and I think the desired look will be achieved.  I'll try again for the Christmas party.

I did something bad to my right arm, I think.  A few weeks ago, I mentioned doing work at the gym with free weights and ever since then, things have not been right.  I thought I just pulled a muscle, but we're looking at two weeks now.  When I lift anything, even a cup of coffee, there is dull pain in my forearm.  Huh?  Any idea what I did?  And those of you familar with my "grace", this is not the arm I broke a few years back.

Tomorrow the car goes in for an oil change, the old Dyson goes to the vacuum place to see if they can fix it and we pick up the boat from the guy who fixed the hole in it.  Then we head to Tod's to help him get his artificial trees up.  Kids are away for a few days so we will be enjoying the peace and quiet.

Hope you all had a great day today!

Adventures in Thanksgiving

So, tonight I have made cranberry sauce with Splenda and The Brit says it is a little tart, so I guess I'll add a bit more Splenda.  I am currently in the midst of a Splenda Pumpkin roll which I have definate concerns about.  I know it isn't supposed to taste exactly like the real, full fat thing, but I'm still a little worried.  The cream cheese filling is pretty good though, so I'm hoping that will fix anything else that may taste...off.

It's a total and constant learning experience, this new way of life.  I know that I cannot sit down tomorrow and devour my normal Thanksgiving dinner.  Stuffing?  Nope, not going there?  Gravy?  Maybe a little.  Sweet potato?  A bite.  Turkey and veggies, absolutely.  Sheesh, all this and there is still Christmas to get through!  Why are these holidays so food centered? 

We always have an Open House during the holidays, which means, FOOD!  So the challenge becomes a mix of stuff we can eat, my weight watching friends can eat, and my anything goes friends will eat.  The problem is making sure temptation doesn't strike me to cross over into the Anything Goes catagory.  I really need to start thinking through that menu.

Then on Sunday is the pearl party, which involves, again, FOOD, as hosting tends to do.  Not a clue what to serve for that one.  Healthy munchies, without going overboard as I have no clue who is coming.

Oh well, off to finish off the pumpkin roll.  I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving tomorrow!  I'm thankful for:

My husband (I have to put him first as he insists he always comes after the cats) who I don't know what I would do without.  He is truly the love of my life.
My family; kids and siblings, etc, who always keep me on my toes
My cats who love me unconditionally and help keep my stress intact.
My amazing friends, who are always there when I need them.
My God, who has given me all the above gifts as well as a new chance at life.
My RNY.  So life changing.
My God

Wish List 2008

So I got this from our friendly, neighborhood Rebel and it seemed pretty neat...maybe even some paying it forward involved if you all want to play.

The Rules:
Make a post to your blog.
The post should contain your list of holiday wishes.

The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a header that's made just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") Or they can be life situation specific or wishes for other people's lives. Nothing about this has to be about material objects if you don't want it to be.

The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.- If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.-

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines on your blog, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two - Surf around your blog roll to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is anothers treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get some one's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached.

Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Wish List for Christmas 2008

1) To reach my goal weight of 150 before my one year surgical anniversary

2) To continue to pull patience at being a mother out of my rear end or straight from God.  Whatever works.

3) For The Brit to not need the second part of his surgery as the Sleeve is so successful for him (especially as his company killed our insurance plan that covered WLS and we had to go with another company and rumor has it they exclude WLS).

4) For my kids to grow in grace and wisdom

5) For me to always be on the lookout for ways to make someone else's life better in any small or big way I can.  Make me aware.

6) To have a personal trainer at the YMCA for one month....so I can learn to work the big boy weights in the middle of the room without fear of killing myself.

7) That our economy improves and the people who are without work are able to find work once more.

8) To finally find the confidence to try to write for real...as in for publication.

9) For my little church to grow

10) For my friends with marital problems to get some help, in the hopes of making it work and not just by "maintaining".

11) For my family to come together and grow closer; not just certain people but everyone.

12) To have a really amazing vacation this summer

13) For the war to end in Iraq and for peace to prevail

14) To have some kind of positive influence on the youth group kids that I am entrusted with for a few hours a week.  This is so important to me.  I need to know I made a difference for them.

15) I still want those horseback riding lessons