So last night was our poorly attended Open House.
The date was bad apparently at only two days after Christmas, but trying to hit a weekend day is difficult depending on when the holiday falls. A couple of really close friends came (4), one person from church, and four of my old theater buddies. I loved that they came and that we had some time to catch up and hopefully another opportunity will present itself in the near future. But overall, the party was a lot of work, for not many people, and Robyn and I wound up splitting a bottle of wine and drinking it until midnight, thus my post last night. Typing was difficult.
Robyn wasn't feeling Christmas this year either, so it wasn't just me. Too much crap going on personally within our circles and it just tends to suck one dry. Wine was the answer to all problems last night and it was nice to be able to laugh over bullshit.
But I am currently leaving all the BS behind me. I've dealt with it as best as I know how, and anything more is up to other people. If anyone wants to be pissed off at me, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Life is too short and I am busy embracing moments worth embracing and checking the rest of the crap at the door of my heart. No time, dudes. Resolve your own issues. It's not that I don't care about ya'll; I do. But I can't fix anyone else, especially when I am still busy fixing me. If anyone wants me to be their scapegoat for whatever ails them, go for it. But don't expect me to dwell on it or even be upset by it. I can sympathize and empathize but I no longer plan on making your issues mine. I'm doing a bit of soul cleansing, if you will. I'm tired to death of worrying about all of it. Life is complicated enough, let's not make it any worse, shall we? I've spent nearly a week taking on the problems and issues of other people and it has affected my own experiences this week. I'm done. I can't do it any more. I love you all, but I can't take things on for you. Not that anyone asked me to, but I have still been thrown into their reactions to circumstances in which I was an innocent bystander on more than one occasion. It's not playing fair. When people decide to not speak to me or to complain about me behind my back, it's really your own issues you need to address. I'm sorry you're upset, truly. The problem is that it may make you all feel better to have me handle it, or to ignore me, but it makes me feel like shit and since I can no longer eat my emotions, that leaves them to pour out of me faster than I can deal with them. No more. I'm done.
So, the folks who want to be upset with me, I will still treat you exactly the same and what you do from your corner is entirely up to you. I will still love you and be your friend to the best that you will allow, but I will not allow you to make me feel bad. You can try, but you will no longer succeed.
I feel better already for having said it. And I'm working on knowing it in my heart. My life is full; of people I love, of experiences I've had and have yet to have and there is no room for petty. I want my experiences and yours to be rich in all the things that matter, but you have to let go of the BS first.
I'm letting it go.