Monday, January 31, 2011


Is that not an exciting title?

People are dying.  More specifically, my friend's parents are dying.  I suppose it is all remnant of where I am in life right now and though I don't get hung up on age, it is still hard to know that my friends and I are probably entering the season of losing some people close to us.  

Anyway, this Monday started out with a bang!  A Brit leaving for Atlanta (and they canceled his first flight and lost his luggage on the second flight), The Lawyer home sick from school and an ice storm on the way. If we are going to get this crap, I want enough of it that I don't have to go into work tomorrow, otherwise, don't waste my time.

Did get to Zumba tonight and I must say, I am loving this class more and more.  Now, the cute latino boy in training is starting his own Rumba class this Friday from 7-8 and I so want to sneak out and go!  He did the last two songs tonight and SO. MUCH. FUN.  Kickboxing is a major workout, Zumba and Rumba cause me to work up a good sweat and they make me laugh and at times even feel graceful.  Just pure fun and workouts should be pure fun now and then!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It's late and there is a buttload of snow out there and I have spent most of the night chatting and laughing (thank goodness!) with Deyse on MSN over silly Cityville which she is holding a virtual gun to my head to make me play against my will.


I wanted to thank you all for the things you said.  Do I believe all of them?  I want to but things take time for me.  I have opinions of myself that are not easily changed.  And no, I don't want to be a famous actor (though it would be nice and there was a time in my life that was the only thing I wanted to be) but I did always want to do something that a career and I'm not there.  Yes, there is still time.  I still want to write and am constantly working on that horrible little negative creature that sits on my shoulder and tells me how impossible it is.  


You never know.  But again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  I think in light of recent events, especially at the church, I have been questioning my worth a bit maybe.  When I bust my ass for five years filling in with anything and everything that needs to be done and then have those same people I helped turn on me because I had issues with the pastor that I blogged about on a space I paid for, it is really hard not to wonder where I screwed up to allow people to feel they had the right to do those things. I'm sure that whole situation is somewhere in the mess that has been my emotions the last few weeks.

But again, thank you.  Love you all, truly.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Truth of the Matter

I have been in a terrible funk.  I am going to do my best to be as honest as I can without sounding like a complete freak show.  

It all started with this post.  JD's death hit me really hard; some of the reasons I understood and some of the reasons I didn't start to realize until today. John was to me what Kevin Spacey is to Strat.  He seemed like an all round nice southern guy.  I have read chat transcripts where he took the time to log on and chat with members of an on-line website dedicated to him, and he was gracious, a bit shy, extremely humble and almost embarrassed by the praise people gave him and the show.  He genuinely was thankful for being part of something as important as a show where the message each week was "God loves you."

So I have mourned terribly for him the last two weeks, almost to the point of it being incomprehensible to me.  Today, I broke down into tears after reading a discussion where he said his two favorite Broadway shows were "Rent and Les Mis."  They are also my favorites.  I think had we ever met we would have been fast friends and I am determined we will be BFFs in Heaven.   I just felt some kind of connection to him; can't explain it.  Just did.

But they say tears are cathartic and sometimes they bring some clarity.  But they brought clarity in the way of part of the reason this has affected me so deeply, and there is more than one reason.  

John was 47 years old and he died of a heart attack, and was apparently alone when he died.  This bothers me a lot but beside that, I have friends and family that are 47 and 48 and 49, some in good health, some not.  If someone can drop dead of a heart attack at 47, and I know they can and people younger than that have too, then how long before something like this hits really close to home and if I am having trouble handling this one I cannot imagine it really hitting me close to home. This is why I worry about people's health so much.  Being 47 or 48 or 49, you have a lot of life left to live or you should.  But people have to take care of themselves to make the most of the time they have.  Negligence with health can make all the difference in the world.  And you know what?  Maybe it is selfish on my part, but I don't want to lose the ones I love before their time because of things that could be avoided.

Here's the other part that is bothering me.  I have been thinking about this actor and thinking about what he accomplished before he died.  I don't consider him just an actor.  There are a lot of actors who make contributions to film and screen by their talent alone.  But being a part of show that spreads the message of God's love to millions of viewers every week?  For a Christian, that is huge.  Read comments on articles about him since he died.  People are saying how the show changed their lives, how they turned it on the first time during the darkest moment of their lives, how the show, and his character Andrew, especially, helped them to not be afraid to die.  Was it based on fact?  Who knows, but if it helps in life, who cares?  It was important.  He also worked with AIDS charities and the Make a Wish Foundation.  He accomplished so much.

So, here I am, 44 years old and what is my contribution to society?  The problem is that I have always wanted to be someone who made a difference.  I want to do something greater than myself or something.  Okay, so I adopted two kids.  I believe I am a mediocre mother.  Yes, I try to teach them values and I try to introduce them to new things and places that they may otherwise not have known if we had not adopted them.  But I don't feel I have enough patience.  I can be overly critical.  I breath a giant sigh of relief when they have an overnight at grandma's over the weekend.  A lot of people tell me all parents feel that way from time to time and I'm sure they are right, but it doesn't make me sit back and think"I am a good mom."

I'm an okay wife.  Probably not as affectionate as I could be and I don't know why that is.  I get caught up in what I am doing and sometimes don't want to stop to do something different. I don't contribute much financially to the household.  I never finished college because God did not give me scholastic ambition.  So  I currently work at a place where people hate me because I wanted things to be different and am looking for another two bit job that is not going to make an impact on society in any way.  

I just wanted life to be different in some way.  I would not trade my family for anything so no one think it has anything to do with that.  I just want to be good at something that matters.  It is what I have a heart for but have no idea where to begin or what to do.  John's death reminded me that the clock is ticking on my own life too.  Who am I inspiring?  Whose life am I helping to change?  What am I doing to make a positive impact on the world? 

Maybe I just need another good cry.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Highs and Lows

I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions lately.  Just many different emotions at many different times, whether it be anger, joy, sadness, etc.  Got 'em all!

The Highs:
I lost four pounds on my first week on Weight Watchers.  That was a good thing.  I am also total PMSing so it could have even been better were I not retaining the world right now.  But I can't dwell there as such is life.  The program is really easy to use and beings I would rather eat poo than count calories, it totally works for least for the moment.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Church is still rocking.  E and I went to the women's Bible study last night and had a great time.  The group is small, there were only five of us, but the ladies are friendly and honest and a little off kilter like E and I are.  I think it will be a good fit.  The whole new church experience has been a good fit.  

I won a book today.  WaterBrook Multnomah, a Division of Random House had a contest last week where they were giving away copies of books.  There were about ten new books and if you were one of the first ten to request a particular copy, and you told them why you wanted to read it, you won a copy of the book.  Today, they told me I won a copy. I was thrilled as I rarely win anything.

I have a job interview tomorrow at the spa/salon that Strat told me about.  Think lots of good thoughts and prayers please.  I am longing to get out of the church.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Zumba tonight was awesome.  There is a  young latino guy in our class, probably in his twenties who may be training to be a Zumba instructor.  He got to lead the last song and it was wicked fun.  The thing about this kid is the sheer joy that radiates from his face all the time.  So cute and so happy and it was just an awesome way to end the evening.

The Lows:

There are moments being at the old church working really bums me out.  Only moments.  But the moments are heavy ones.  Today a guy I have known for a really long time, who attended the second service, came into the office.  They needed something out of the shed.  Now, let me say that I have not broadcast to anyone what happened there or even that I am no longer there.   I assume my absence is now common knowledge however.  So this guy and his wife came into my office and he said to me "I need a hug from you."

So I  hugged him and he went on to tell me how upset he was that I was no longer there. He said that I was the one person he knew for a fact loved that church and would do anything for it.  I explained a little of what happened, not implicating anyone.  He wished me well and hoped that things changed one day.  So there was a great testimony sort of to the things I did there and then on the other side of that spectrum is the evil VP who refuses to even acknowledge my work in 2010 in her letter to the congregation.  

There is another bit of sadness that lingers with me that only one person in the entire world understands and that is my Brazilian friend, Deyse.  We share different things with different friends and even if I attempted to explain it here, no one would truly understand.  Only Deyse.  So we struggle together with this one in ways that sometimes we don't even understand, but it is still nice to have someone to share it with.  

On a good note with Deyse, she may be coming to the USA at the end of this year and DC is one of her destinations and if it happens I am there!  For like eight years now,  I have had an adopted Brazilian sister and one of these days I am going to meet her.  And then one day, I plan on going to Rio to see her as Brazil is on my bucket list anyway!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

From One Extreme to Another

Yeah, it's another church discussion so you non-church people can tune out if you want. 

This morning, the evil VP came in with her letter that will go into the annual meeting program that everyone in the congregation gets next Sunday.  Though she is no longer on council, because The Brit resigned, she was acting president until last Monday.  So, she gives me this letter and leaves and I read it.  I am immediately concerned about her first sentence which basically says that someone in the congregation recently told her that the council had not done anything all of last year and that they were wrong.  Okay, maybe that person was wrong, but do you really want to start out your letter with an "in your face" comeback to the person who apparently ticked you off?  I have no idea who told her that but it obviously annoyed her.  However, using that information in a letter that the whole congregation is getting?  Totally unprofessional and immature, IMHO.  Thoughts?

Anyway, read on and she goes onto name all the things that were accomplished in 2010, making sure to give everything she was directly involved in plenty of props.  Then she talks about what a fabulous job the music director( and she does) and the pastor have done for the church in 2010.  I guess it should not surprise me that she gave me nothing.  It was like the church only has two employees.  I fumed for awhile.  I know I do not need her praise or approval, but I still worked my butt off for that place last year...and she ignores me as if I never existed there. 

I did call a few wise council people with my concerns about her first sentence however and they agreed it was not a good idea.  So it has now been passed onto the president of council who is my wonderful Papa D.  We'll see what happens.

Then tonight, my new pastor made a home call here.  My mother came over as well and he stayed and chatted and answered all our questions for an hour and a half.  Truly a delightful visit.  At the end of it, he PRAYED with us (remember my last pastor could not even mention God in a conversation!).  Just a great night.  It made the Evil VP crap, and that is precisely what it is, from this morning melt away. 

I  made three weight watchers dishes today.  Whew!  I spent a lot of time in the kitchen!  I did chicken and used a rub under the skin made up of olive oil, cumin, fresh parsley and garlic.  Total yum and only 4 points.  Then I did sweet potato fries from scratch instead of out of a bag.  And lastly, for the pastor's visit, homemade WW's lemon squares.  Totally wonderful and I had to refrain from eating more than one.  But as of this morning, I am down three pounds.  Four more to go to lose all of the ten I gained since October. 

I am working on losing those pounds along with the church that started me gaining them.....

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just Wow

I know that some of you anti-God folks will say this is just a coincidence but I am a firm believer of that quote that said, "Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous." 

So you all know my nightmare that started back in October with being attacked for not conforming to the Pastor fan club.  Then the second church we walked into once we started church shopping almost immediately felt like home.  So we in the process of joining officially; our membership has already been transferred and our new pastor is coming to the house tomorrow night to meet with us and answer any questions before we make it official in front of the congregation.  I told you on Sunday, I was asked to write a lenten devotional, right?  So given everything that happened from my tears and depression over people turning on me for not agreeing and attacking my husband for preferring to work with the kids in the nursery instead of listening to non-planned sermons, guess what verse was assigned to me? 

"He has redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and my life shall see the light." Job 33:28

And if that doesn't give you little goosebumps, tonight's sermon had to do with not staying in the past; that it is fun to visit sometimes or to grieve after something bad happens, but that God wants us to "Let go" so he can give us a new spirit  Isn't that what I have needed to do?  I have been working on letting go of what happened at the old place and am really doing well with it.  The bitterness is gone and I don't dread going in there anymore.  Sure,  I am still job searching but working there is not unbearable; it would just be nice to cut that tie and only keep ties with the ones who seem interested in keeping ties with me.  With working to put all that behind me, my life has seen new light at my new church.  It is exciting and the pastor is full of  JOY.  I have known a lot of miserable, stagnant Christians in my life and I never wanted to be one of them.  I have never understood the Christians who feel they always have to be serious and reverent all the time because knowing God and Jesus is a joyous thing!  The other interesting thing is that my seemingly new spirit that has come with being in a place that feels right, is now a part of their praise band and their praise band has a name.


I just think it is all way cool.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

All Work and No Play

Makes me pretty tired!  It was gogogo today!  We got snow and ice last night so this morning before I could leave for work, the walks had to be shoveled and yes when the kids aren't here that is my job.  Then when I got to work, I shoveled there.  I didn't have to, but one of my friends there is who would have to shovel and he is in his late sixties.  So, though I didn't finish it all, I did a pretty good chunk of it for him. He was pleasantly surprised when he came in to find most of it done.  Then it was to Walmart and then to two more stores looking for liver and sugar free rice pudding, which I finally found in the last store.  Home to unload groceries, change for kickboxing, cook two meals (one for tonight and tomorrow's in the crock pot as I have church and rehearsal tomorrow night), vacuum, search for a receipt and just make it out the door in time to go to the Y.  Did my kickboxing class with my GBC and then came home to finally eat and clean up dinner.  Now I am finally finished for the day!

I am so far liking Weight Watchers Points Plus. It's easy and with the calculator, I can actually stand in the grocery store and do calculations to find out how many points any given food is just by inputting a few numbers.  I even found WW single serving ice cream cups in several different flavors for $1 each.  Not too bad and it takes the guess or calculator work out of it, plus when my sweet tooth is acting up, I have something I can grab.  I have not gone over my daily points at all yet but even if I do I get an extra 49 points a week to use if I need them.  Plus my workouts give me extra points which is awesome but I haven't had to use any of those either.  I even come up with solutions for my sandwich today as I like to do turkey ( 1 point for three slices tho I only used two) with the WW cream cheese (2 pts) but I like cranberry sauce with it but did not want to use three points or a 1/4 cup for it, so I just took a tablespoon of the cranberry sauce and mixed it with the cream cheese.  Now, I charged myself a point for that so hopefully that is okay.  I used way less cranberry sauce than I usually would have and got the same yummy flavor.  So thus far, the program is working well.  Sundays will be my weigh in day so stay tuned.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Saga of the Rollin' Stones

So after four hours at the hospital today, we are hopeful that the stones on the left side are broken and we are waiting for them to pass.  The new hospital is really nice though!  I was very impressed.

What bothered me a lot today though was the number of morbidly obese women who came through there.  It just kind of breaks my heart.  I've been one of them (tho not to the extent of most I saw today thankfully) and I just wish I had a way to help them.  One woman, relatively young, maybe early twenties, sat next to my mother.  Her skinny husband/boyfriend came in a bit later and sat across from her.  While I was back with The Brit, the hubby-boyfriend was eating peanut butter cups and offered the wife-girlfriend a pack which she declined.  I found it frustrating.  Here is this young woman with food issues and skinny hubby is offering her crap.  I once had a friend (have not seen her in several years for numerous reasons) and her husband wanted her big...and she was.  Now she has everything from rheumatoid arthritis at 43 years old to fibromyalgia and diabetes. And her husband supports her size (which is fine in a way) and even encourages her to be larger.  Like the fight to be healthy isn't hard enough?  I know you can have any of those diseases without being of a larger stature but I do think that weight complicates things.  I know weight is a battle and I am not judging by any means.  I just feel for these people...I have been these people and according to the medical books, I am probably still these people.  But I do know how much better I feel for exercise.   I cannot advocate for exercise enough.  Do I love going to the gym, working up a sweat, killing one or two hours of my day and then going home and having my knees, which I have abused for years, hurt like the dickens the rest of today?  No, not so much.  Do I love the way I feel on a daily basis because of exercise?  You betcha.  I love not feeling exhausted all day long or having to fight to get myself out of bed in the morning.  I love having energy that lasts all day.  I just wish I was in a position to help people make those first, painful steps.  I say painful because at 315 pounds, it was painful.  Working out was not comfortable in anyway (honestly, it still isn't nor should it be but it is different) but it is about doing what you can do in the moment.  When I started moving after my surgery, it was halfway down a block and back.  And when that got easy, it was another half block and I built on that until I felt competent enough to go to the gym.  It is a process.  I promise you that if you try to jump into exercise with both feet and go at it full force the first time, you are going to fail.  You are going to hurt something or decide it is just too hard. You start where you are and build on that.  One step at a time.  Find one exercise you like.  You like to dance, find a Zumba class.  You like to walk then start doing it.  Most group exercise classes, if the instructors are GOOD will show you different levels of the moves, from beginner to not settle for an instructor who does not do that because it will leave you feeling incompetent and stupid.  Do your homework, find what works for you.  Do not be afraid to meet with an instructor ahead of time to discuss any concerns you may have.  They draw a paycheck and you are part of their job.  Take control of your situation and start where you are.  We make time for everything and everyone else in our lives but ourselves when it come to taking care.  Sure we make time to watch television or read a book but what about doing something for our physical health? 

Isn't it time you made time?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Can I Just Tell You... amazing it is to LOVE going to church?  I have not had this feeling in so long and I am still enjoying it immensely.  This morning I sang with the praise band and loved it.  As the last song, we did the same song they ended with Wednesday night where the pastor marched around with the mentally disabled woman and today, he just started a conga line for the song!  So much fun and my friend, E said to my mother "This is the first time I have ever done the conga in church!  I loved it!"  His sermons are also wonderful and I find that 15 minutes is often not enough for me to listen to him.  It is so nice to listen to a prepared sermon!  And a well done sermon!  It is just so nice to be excited about church!  Oh and the church puts out a devotional book for Lent each year and each of the 40 devotions are written by members.  This morning, the music director asked me if I would write one.  Now how does she know I love to write?

The blog is now public again, which is the reason for the name change.  I would prefer certain people not find me, not that they can do anything if they do, so I wanted to make it harder to find.  So we are live again,so you can add it to your Google readers, etc. I was tired of my readers being inconvenienced (having to log on, not being able to add the blog to feeds, not being able to comment, etc).

The Brit goes in for his outpatient stone blasting surgery in the morning so I am not working tomorrow.  Hopefully all will go well and the stones will break!  Say a prayer for success!

Tomorrow I am also starting Weight Watchers.  Not going to the meetings but Strat got me the books and the calculator so I am all set to go.  I just hate counting calories so hopefully this will make life easier and I can finally hit that magic number!  I know I am going to fight with weight the rest of my life; the secret is finding what works the best!

I think that is all I wanted to tell you.  I gave you a Sunday bonus because I didn't blog Friday.  I was still pretty bummed about the death of John Dye; I still shake my head when I think about it.  Actors for me where pretty much him and Rob Lowe.  Sure, there are a few more I like but those two were/are my favorites.  And he was just so young!  Plus on Friday we went to dinner with Strat and her hubby and had a great time.  Really enjoy their company!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Feeling Very Sad

I am proud to say that I was a major fan of "Touched by an Angel". Part of the reason was because of this very cute actor who died today.

John Dye, best known as the angel of death Andrew on Touched By an Angel, has died. He was 47.

The actor died Monday from a heart attack in San Francisco, his brother, Jerre Dye, told The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal.

Born in Mississippi, Dye majored in theater at the University of Memphis. He made his film debut in 1984's Making the Grade, which filmed in the Memphis area, before moving to Los Angeles.

In 1995, he landed the role of Andrew on CBS' Touched By an Angel. Originally a recurring role, Dye was promoted to regular by the third season. He remained on the series until its end in 2003.

"Dear, sweet John Dye, rest in peace," Angel co-star Valerie Bertinelli tweeted.

Dye's other credits include guest spots on Murder, She Wrote and Promised Land, and the films Modern Girls, The Perfect Weapon and Sioux City. His last role was in 2007's Fist of the Warrior.

I am more upset about this than I even want to admit.  He was only three years older than I am!  So, I am rather shocked and a bit grieving over this celebrity I never knew but who came into my home once a week and often times made me cry. 

Okay, in other news, there is still crap going on at the old church as I got the scoop from a very good friend today.  Apparently on Sunday, Pastor Extraordinaire decided to not give the council any notice about installing them during the second service.  He sprung this on the young man who beat out the evil VP at the end of the contemporary service.  When the kids (aka, teens) asked him when during the service he was going to do this, he told them it would be after the sermon.  Now, that is over halfway through the service and these kids had already sat through their normally attended service.  My friend argued with him, as the kids were planning to go to lunch together before several of them had to go to work,but the pastor did not want to budge.  They tried to get him to move the installation to the beginning of the service but he didn't want to do that.  My friend said, "Pastor, we've already been to our church service."  He replied, "It won't kill you to sit through another one and some people don't consider the first service a real service."

Hello?  So the contemporary service is not a real service.  Now, the people who have the opinion that it is not a real service are the majority of the "Bible Study", but that isn't even the problem.  He never should have said that!  My friend is writing a letter to the council addressing this.  Beings The Puppet Master is still on council, he will certainly carry what is said in the letter back to the "Bible Study".  I warned my friend that he was going to have people upset with him and he told me, "Kim, they can bring it.  I don't care.  I am so over this pastor."  So stay tuned....

I went to the praise band rehearsal last night and got there right about the time they were doing communion (There is a Wednesday night contemporary service at 7:00 and the praise band rehearses when it is over.).  I slipped in the back and took a chair up against the wall.  Not many people were there, but as I looked up, I saw my pastor beckoning to me.  Getting up, I walked to the front and he gave me communion saying, "You're never too late, Kim."  My heart warmed. 

Going back to my seat, a lady who is severely mentally disabled motioned for me to come to her and not wanting her to cause a scene, I went to her.  She hugged me and kissed my cheek and I took a seat behind her.  As the praise band played the last song which had to do with marching, this lady really wanted to march!  Her caregiver was trying to keep her in the aisle and the pastor came up and took the woman's hand, assuring her caregiver that it was okay.  He then marched with her once around the sanctuary.

This is the difference between a pastor who is present in the moment and in the lives of his parishioners and one who is just going through the motions. 

Praise Band rehearsal went well and at the end of it, Kim, the music director approached me and asked me what my schedule was like as she would like to do lunch and get to know me and find out a little about my faith journey.  Really?  No one at the old church gave a rat's ass about my faith journey or lack of it at the time all the crap went down.  The differences between these two churches is amazing and I am so glad God led me to this one.

Finally hit the gym today and ran three mile increments (walk a minute, run a minute, constantly increasing the run speed).  It was rough after the two weeks of the sinus infection but I did it.  Go me.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So I Suck

I show myself no mercy when I wimp out on the gym, despite the fact that I am still feeling a bit like dog poo and that was the reason for my bailing today. I went to work, dressed to hit the Y afterward, but as the morning dragged (and dragged and dragged) on, I just started feeling very lethargic and exhausted.  By the time I left work late due to helping someone out with a report, I knew I just wanted to go home and of all things, take a nap.  I so rarely do this, but my body seemed to be begging for it.  So I went to get gas, and then came home and curled up under the blankets with a cat and slept solidly for an hour and twenty minutes. Still felt a little draggy but definitely improved from earlier.

Strat and her hubby have been awesome when it comes to me finding a job!  Not only did Strat speak to her hair stylist about me last week as they are hiring a part time receptionist (interview probably next week) but a lady from the Humane Society came into Mr. Strat's business the other day and he spoke to her about me.  They could not find my application, so I sent it to them again today with interests in three positions.  I have concerns about the latter job of course.  I love animals and I know the shelter has to put animals down that they cannot adopt out and that part would be difficult.  The flip side is getting to work on their behalf. I definitely want to work on finding out more about what the three positions offer. One is a Customer Service Supervisor, one is a Customer Service rep and the last is basically an office admin, which is what I am doing now.  So, huge thanks to the Strats for their support and what tickles me so much is Strat is the daughter of one of the church people who is so upset with me.

Tonight I start with the praise band at the new church so I am both excited and nervous.  The praise band at the old place was one of the highlights of my week. Not only because of my love of singing but also because the people were so much fun.  Not sure about this group yet. I can tell on Sundays they are not the fun-loving group I am used to but maybe that is good or maybe God will use me to lighten them up a bit as it is hard for me to be serious for too long!

The Brit is still hanging in there with his stones. Monday is the day to try to break a few of them up!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Pretty Please?

I think I really need a week alone in a cabin in the woods to do some of the reading and writing I want to accomplish.  I am having trouble getting it finished here because there are so many distractions.  Just one example is that I was sitting here reading a book on writing Christian fiction when I remembered that I had to blog, so stop the reading to get the blogging accomplished.  And now it is snowing outside so that means no down time at all tomorrow as the kids will undoubtedly be home from school.  Now, they will be gone all weekend including Monday and Tuesday so maybe there is hope.

Waffled tonight about going to kickboxing as it was supposed to snow and it iced briefly and then turned to lots of snow, but I decided to go and am glad I did.  Got it done, got some GBC time and had a good time with Ray and Donna.  Really wish I had someone to do regular Y workouts with as it makes it so much more enjoyable, but it is apparently not in the cards.

I struggle a bit with no wanting to make people feel self conscious.  We had a gal in kickboxing tonight who was as short as she was wide, but she was there and doing it, modified to her level. I so wanted to say something to her after class but she was gone by the time I got out the door, but again, I wasn't too sure of what to say.  I just wanted to encourage her without making her feel singled out.  Is it better to not say anything? 

Okay, back to the book and soon to the next distraction of "The Biggest Loser."  Maybe I just need more hours in the day.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I Need a Few Deep Breaths

Only Monday and it was so insane and I have all this stuff rifling around in my head that I haven't had time to focus on and AUGH! And it's only MONDAY.

I worked this morning; no big deal.  After work, I ran to the rescue mission with some donations, to UPS to return boxes I never used and were taking up too much space in the basement, which I swear I am going to get around to cleaning soon, and then to the veterinary hospital to drop off towels I no longer wanted and they can always use.  Then home to finish off getting dinner ready before bolting back out to go the eye doctor. Left there to go to the grocery store that doubles my coupons to pick up the things I had coupons for, then to the high school for a meeting with The Genius' carpentry teacher, which led to the two of us going to speak to an old friend of mine from high school who teaches there.  Did not leave there till 4:30, came home, put away groceries, cooked potatoes for dinner, changed clothes for Zumba and got dinner on the table for the three boys before heading out the door to the YMCA.  Am now finally home, have cleaned up remaining dishes, eaten my own dinner, and printed out coupons.  Now I have a headache and I am not sure if it is from the sinus infection from hell or not. All out of the pred, so I hope the face throbbing does not return as I still feel like I have sludge down the back of my throat all the time.  TMI.  Sorry.

Trying to focus on trying to write, but it is so hard to narrow down a plot.  I am not at a loss for ideas, as my past experiences give me plenty, so why the hesitation to begin?  Is it fear?  Laziness?  Lack of time to truly focus?

Loved church yesterday.  Love this church. Love the sermons. Love this pastor.  He just knows how to be a pastor as opposed to going through the motions, which is what the other guy seems to do.  His heart never seemed to be in it.  Nice guy, but not spiritual at all in my opinion.  I'm just so happy that God led us to where we needed to be.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Turned a Corner

Sorry about the lack of blogging yesterday but the pounding in my face kept me from sleeping on Thursday night.  Then it was up early to get The Brit to the urologist by 8:00.  He has an appointment at the new hospital on the 17th so they can try to break up the stones with a laser or something.  In the meantime, he has more pain killers, though he is not in pain so much as discomfort now thankfully. 

While he was getting x-rays yesterday,  I called my doctor's office about my pounding face and head to find out my doc, who is really the nurse practitioner, was out due to an emergency. I gave the nurse my details and my self-diagnosis and she said she would talk to the doctor to see if he would call anything in for me.  He called in an anti-biotic (which will give me a different kind of infection by the time that is over but what can a girl do?) and a steroid.  I was very confused by the steroid until about a half hour after I took the first one.  Turns out it serves as an anti-inflammatory and my pounding head and face became much more comfortable, thank God!

After picked up the drugs, The Brit went to work and I curled up in his chair to nap for an hour and a half before leaving to cheat on my hair girl with my new hair girl.  Then back home for an hour before picking up The Genius for his therapy appointment.  While The Genius was back with his therapist, The Lawyer's school called to tell me he missed the bus and could I come get him.  I told her it wouldn't be till 4:15 as I was in an appointment with my other son.  She asked where we were and I told her the street we were on and that I could be there no later than 4:15.  She then suddenly wanted to confirm my address even though I told her nothing had changed.  When I confirmed it she said "But you said you were on ____ Street. "Yes", I explained again, "For an appointment."  No one listens anymore.

The rest of the day was quiet thankfully, mostly spent on the couch with my Kindle and a book that is freaking me out a bit called "Last Light." The thought that something like this could happen is what is scary because people would react the same way the people in the book react.  People in the best of times are borderline nuts, so take away all their modern conveniences and look out!

Okay, there is your Saturday bonus to make for no blog yesterday!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Shoot Me Now

I have discovered that my headaches are due to a possible sinus infection.  I have no green goo or anything but congestion, headaches and today, horrible pain and pressure in the left side of my face.  My upper left teeth are killing me.  Fun times!  Apparently I need to call the doctor tomorrow as sinus infections can be deadly.  Who knew? 

In other news, I went to the eye doctor today for a lens check up and because I have been having issues with my right eyes when wearing my lenses.  Yup, have some redness and little tears in my cornea from it so I had to have a prescription filled...a tiny bottle for $30.  Between my head problems and The Brit's groin problems it has been a great start to the new year!

So no gym today which pissed me off.  But I just felt too lousy and I could not imagine running with my face killing me.  Tomorrow it is Brit to the doctor, hopefully me to the doctor and a haircut at 12:45.  That's all for tonight.  Need to go die a slow and painful death.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Headaches and zumba and stents, o my!

So The Brit did fine in the surgery and the stents are only causing him discomfort as opposed to pain, thankfully.  Looking forward to him getting home so I can be in his health loop again!

The last few days I have been having horrible sinus headaches that arrived around midday and leave when I go to bed.  I am fairly sure they are sinus related as they are right across my forehead.  I'm contemplating a nettie pot.  Anyone ever used one?  Would it help?

Took Zumba again tonight and I am still having fun.  I would like to try to escape the house a second night a week to be able to take it at least once each week and not give up kickboxing.  I have got to see about new shoes soon though as now my right ankle is bothering me when I am wearing my year old ones! 

One more thing I am bothered about today and you all can tell me if I am being far too sensitive about this issue.  One of the local churches is collecting donations for a backpack thing.  Basically there is concern that kids that get the free lunch at school are not getting proper nutrition at home on the weekends so there are backpacks being assembled to feed these kids over the weekends.  Some of the items they are asking for are candy bars, peanut butter or cheese crackers, spaghetti-o's, chips, etc.  Okay, here is what  I think is a fact: these kids are being fed on weekends and my guess is that they are being fed this kind of crap because it is not expensive.  With the obesity epidemic in this country affecting kids so much now, is this really a good answer?  These foods are horrible for kids. On the flip side, a few of the items are oatmeal packs, canned fruit and veggies, which is better but why not just keep it on the better side?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

And the Stress Continues

Tomorrow morning, The Brit is having a stent put up his doo dad.  This is to ensure that his kidneys are not jeopardized through this ordeal.  He is following up with a urologist here in town on Friday where hopefully, they are going to blast the stones to break them up. So that is where we are with that.

Then today was the Lutheran Study and the only one who came in to talk to me was Mrs Puppet Master.  Then tonight, I went to kickboxing to find no Michael as he had an emergency at work, which meant one Jennifer....ugh!  I was there, the regular gym was packed so I sucked it up to try to deal with that, but damn, she annoys me!  She is so fast and frenzied that there is no way to focus on form or strength and because of that  I don't feel like I get the workout  I am looking for. Sure, I could have left, but again, I was there.  It just wound up feeling like a waste of time.  Instead of working off stress, I felt even more agitated when it was over. I'll make up for it tomorrow in the gym and if Sharee is teaching Zumba tomorrow night, I may even hit the Y twice.

Jimnotmike, I am not for a minute asking The Brit to not travel or not work so hard.  He loves what he does and he loves the travel.  I just want him to take a little time out of his day to do something for himself that is healthy.  If that means a half hour of less television in the evening and taking a walk instead, I will gladly go with him.  That's all I want.  I want him to not give up on his health.

Had a really nice lunch with Leisl today; always good to have an ear in person to vent to, especially this week with all this going on with The Brit and him being so far away.  Be glad when he gets home...even if he is grouchy.

Monday, January 3, 2011

So Stubborn

All week last week, The Brit was dealing with at least one kidney stone.  He has had bouts with these off and on over the years when he elects to allow himself to drink soda and he has been soda drinking the last few weeks, so thus, the stones.  He would feel bad, then better, then bad, then better and yesterday he was fairly sure he had passed it and this morning he boarded a plane to Atlanta.  So of course, now he is in a hospital in Atlanta with not one but two 10mm stones that are not going to pass on their own.  His white blood cell count is through the roof so they are keeping him overnight and pumping him full of antibiotics. Not sure what will happen from there and I hate that he is so far away and in the hospital.

I wish more than anything that I could get him to take better care of himself. I have hinted at it here and the last thing I want to do is nag because let's be honest, nagging someone about something doesn't do any good.  The person has to want to do better and I just wish I could get him to want to do better.  He takes care of us, he takes care of things and work and somehow he is at the bottom of the priority list for himself.  It wouldn't take much; just a small altering here and there, a half hour a day put aside to do something healthy.  I would hate to see a life or death situation be what makes him want to do better.

I don't want him angry at me for writing this.  Lord knows, I'm not perfect and I've gained ten pounds over the last few months.  But I am working on getting it off.  I am saying this because I love him and because I really don't want to face life without him because he didn't take the time to take care of himself.  Though I know I am not promised tomorrow, I would still prefer that I not die from something tomorrow that I could have prevented.

So anyway, pray for him; that they are able to dissolve the stones and that maybe he would start to take better care of himself.

I took Zumba tonight and for the first time I actually enjoyed it!