Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Have Got to Escape!

I need to find a job.  I have to find a job.  Anything.  I hate the fact that as soon as we got home late this afternoon, I started to feel sick knowing that tomorrow was Monday.  That I have to go back there where I was betrayed and so incredibly hurt.  Hurt in the church is the worst.  It is supposed to be safe.  My blog was supposed to be my safe place to vent.  The church was a place I should have been allowed to feel confused about whether to stay or go.  It should not have been a place where an attack was launched against me.  Do they really think that what they did was right?  Do they really feel so righteous?  Was I wrong?  I don't feel like I was.  Why were they allowed to do this?

I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling like I need to double my medication to get through this.  I hate the fact that my happiness has been taken from me.  I hate feeling like I have to constantly look over my shoulder, wondering who is there waiting to hurt me again.  I hate being alone when I walk in there five days a week.  Hate it.  I hate this dread and this depression and this stress. 

There are moments where I feel really strong and then moments like now where I feel so weak that I may not survive it.  I can see no end in sight yet.  I have no interviews scheduled yet though my resumes are out there.  I know if I can just find something and get out it will all be better.  But this stress and dread will continue for as long as I have to work there.  I don't foresee it getting better until then.  I have stepped as far back as I can.  I have given up things that felt impossible to give up, just because someone decided it was okay to exploit my hand out what was anonymous and put my name on it for all of them to see and twist.  It was just a post about my confusion about staying at the church or leaving it.  Shame on them for making it so easy a decision for me.

I am trying to forgive them if for no other reason than to take the power they have over me right now away but it is so hard when the hurt is so fresh.  The anger has faded but my hurt is so raw.  When I think of how hard I worked with so many of them to keep things running, to grow the church; when I think of all the things I took on so that there would be no gaps in the church and then this is what they do?  It hurts more than anything has in a very long time.  I just want to cry and only stop when it is all over but right now it feels as if it will never be over.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Almost Friday

This week has been almost as long as last week.  I am going to the end of the praise band rehearsal to rehearse two songs Paula, Dave and I are supposed to sing at a UCT (United Commercial Travelers something or other) Saturday night and I don't even want to do that.  Ruth asked us to sing and I have done it every year for  the last few years for her but a few of the people who have been so angry with me are going to be there.  Though not a church event, some of them are members of this organization and with my very real trust issues at the moment I am afraid someone might try to start something.  I almost can't imagine it, but then again, I could not have imagined any of this stuff happening.

I think another part of what has them so much in an uproar is that in my blog post, I had been talking about trying to find a Bible study, when all our church was offering was a study on Lutheranism.  I have been a Lutheran my whole life so I have that down.  I blogged that I "didn't get hung up on denomination" when discussing my desire for a Bible study and I think some of the people got upset thinking I wanted to change our church to a non-denominational church.  Maybe that was the cryptic message I didn't know about.  Like I am so powerful?  I have no desire to change the denomination of the church; I just wasn't interested in a Lutheran study and before I am a Lutheran, I am a Christian.  Period.

I forgot to tell you all in yesterday's post that someone also anonymously called the Bishop's office about the council blowup and maybe the blog post too, I have no idea.  Am I the only one who thinks this thing is being blown up into unbelievable proportions?  Seriously? 

And no, Margaret, though all of this, no one, including the pastor, has offered to pray with me.  That is what you have been doing with me.  No one has offered to sit down to talk to me to try to understand why I do not feel spiritually fulfilled.  No one had any concern for my feelings.  Their only concern is that my feelings did not match theirs. 

The Brit is going to go on Monday night and make nice with the council.  And then resign.  The VP will be delighted to be president, though I no longer see her as any kind of leader.  Leaders don't betray the rest of the council by discussing what they had agreed not to discuss and leaders would not be trash talking a member in a supposed Bible study. 

I am looking at non-denomination churches though I don't want any of the people at my current (or rather ex-) church to know because that would only cause them to "Read between the lines" that I didn't want to be Lutheran.  I am not against being Lutheran, but I would like to worship in a larger congregation.  My experience with a small congregation of late has been less than stellar. 

I did talk to the pastor again today and told him I was taking a break on Sundays.  He is hoping it will not be forever, but I explained that I was not comfortable, no longer trusted a lot of people, and thought that church was a place you were allowed to be confused or broken.  Not a place for people to try to break you.  Huge difference.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Okay, here is the deal

Some serious shit hit the fan a week and a half ago over my blog.  Many of you already know the story, but the fact is that when it comes to my job or the church right now, I can't post there because I don't want anymore crap stirred up (and I will explain all that crap in a moment).  I have another option and that is to pay the extra money (like $122.00 extra over what we already pay for that domain name) to make my godaddy account private.  I don't know if I want to do that.  So you all have received an invitation to this blog and you are the only ones who are permitted to read here.  It is an invitation only blog so none of the freaking trouble makers at the church can see anything I write here.

Here's what happened.  I had a venting post back on September 27th.  I had gone to the church council in August of 2009 to voice my concerns about our pastor and his lack of sermon prep and the fact that he had started a new job with no guidance.  Nothing happened and 14 months later, nothing had still happened.  I was swamped with extra work at the church that was not within my job description because other people no longer wanted to do anything, I was getting nothing spiritually and my frustration had grown for 14 months, so I vented on a blog I pay for.  I did not mention the name of the church or any one's name.  Well, apparently someone at the church saw it, who had been reading there for some time though she never left a comment.  I think I know who it was, but am not sure but I don't have many enemies in there and only one or two people don't like me and let's face it, not everyone is always going to like us.  Anyway, I believe this person put her friend's husband up to presenting a hard copy of that post in the council meeting where The Brit is the president of the council. 

So you can imagine how it all went down.  The VP of the council is, in my opinion, a woman who wants to run everything and doesn't really have a clue as to how to go about it.  But The Brit and the VP cannot stand one another so there were apparently loud voices.  People were threatening to quit and The Brit was told that maybe he should just leave the church.  Yeah, nice.

When he came home and told me all this, I was devastated.  My blog is my diary and for, people I trusted and had known since high school, to use it as some kind of ammunition against me made me beyond angry and hurt.  Had I plastered the church's name all over the blog or post, that would have been one thing, but the only way people would know the church is 1) if they knew me personally and 2) knew I was writing the blog.  The average Joe Schmo would have no idea.

The next day, Tuesday, the Bible study met at the church.  Now, the Bible study consists of some older folks who don't understand blog or change for that matter.  The pastor had been on vacation, so he was not present and when I was going to the bathroom, I could hear their loud voices trash talking me from the study room.  This is a church for crying out loud! The council VP was the one I heard the loudest, talking about "That crap she wrote..." and I could not bear it.  I am not a confrontational person; in fact I avoid conflict at all costs, but I walked into that room and confronted all of them.  What that basically boiled down to was them making it very clear that not only was I wrong about his sermons not being good, but that if I thought they were bad or that they didn't reach me, was a character flaw on my part. There was reference made to how mad The Brit had been at the meeting and I told them that I don't know what transpired but if he had felt his wife being attacked....the VP interrupted me and said "He reacted exactly the way he should have."  Remember that point, it will come up later.

I left that meeting upset and still angry.  The council had elected to allow a cooling off period after Monday night's meeting and they would reconvene in a week, but no one was to discuss it until then and that was exactly what these six were doing in that "Bible study".  And three of them were not even on the council!  Granted, two of them had told their spouses and I do not fault them for that, but the other woman was no one's spouse and she was one of the nastiest ones to me that day in that room.

Wednesday was uneventful but Thursday the VP came in to see me.  She was actually nice. She said she wanted me to attend the council meeting Monday night to present my position (on my personal blog where I mentioned no names) and that though she did not agree with me about the pastor, she could sort of see my side.  She felt my blog post was a "cry for help" and she was going to try to help me.  Honey, it was a venting post, period.  Let's stop reading so much into it, shall we? 

At the end of our conversation, she told me she was also going to invite the pastor on Monday and that floored me.  I told her that would not be uncomfortable AT ALL and that if the purpose of the newly forming Mutual Ministry committee was NOT to have someone with complaints or concerns sitting face to face with the pastor, why on earth would she put me in that position on Monday?  She said she would have to pray about it and think about it.

Friday, the man who threw me under the bus came in and sort of apologized, saying he probably just should have spoken to me to begin with.  His concern was that it seemed I had blogged on church time (Both The Brit and I tried to explain the timestamp to him but he is old and doesn't get it.  Of course, I asked him point blank that if that were really his issue, he would have chosen a different post to bring into the council.

Went to church on Sunday and I was tense.  The VP and her kid were the only two of the trash talkers at my service, but the only reason I had gone at all was because Pastor Phil was there filling in for our pastor.  So at the very least, I got a great sermon and a wonderful potential last memory of this church.

Monday, the council met again and though things were more civil, it was still tense.  The pastor was not there but I knew he was at the prison ministry so I had no idea if the VP had told him or not.  Two people resigned from the council, one being the throwing me under the bus guy.  The VP had a go at The Brit, saying that his loss of composure the previous Monday made her feel unsafe (but remember, he acted just as he should have given the situation).  The Brit felt she expected him to resign after her tirade but it didn't happen. 

Tuesday of this week was the infamous Bible study and it was very quiet down the hall and I knew damn well The Brit and I were again the topic.  Again, the VP had stated in the meeting the night before, that this would  not be discussed with the pastor until after the Mutual Ministry committee had met on Thursday and again, she lied.  The Bible study was still there when I left and they are usually gone long before me.

Today, after a sleepless night, I went to work and the pastor asked to speak to me.  Actually, it was the best conversation I'd had about this since it started.  He wasn't upset with me; said he wished I had come to talk to him about my discontent with the church.  I explained it felt awkward because I was an employee.  He is holding a meeting on Monday with the council to try to right things.

So, here is where I am.  I am church and job hunting.  Minimally, I need a cooling off period from this church.  I feel they treated me badly and unfairly.  The VP, as far as I am concerned is corrupt or at the very least, two-faced as hell.  Some of the others will never let this go as they have not let go of the church split five years ago.  So I highly doubt they will let go of this one anytime soon.  Giving up the youth and the praise band feels next to impossible, but again, I have done a lot for this church and for them to pull this crap is beyond hurtful to me.  We have freedom of speech in this country.  Had I plastered the church name all over the blog, it would have been different,but I didn't do that. 

The other problem with the job is that we are so far over budget that the only thing left to cut is salaries and my job could be done by a volunteer.  I think unless things pick up, a volunteer secretary is only a matter of time.  So, anyone hiring?

I feel as if I have been on the worst roller coaster of my life.  About the time I felt better after talking to the pastor today, The Brit got upset about the two-faced VP talking to the pastor and is threatening not to go to the meeting on Monday and resigning from council.  I don't care if he resigns from council, but I want him to end it peacefully, if for no other reason, that I have to continue to walk in those doors until a new job opportunity presents itself.

So, there you have it.  I could not think of anything worthwhile to post on the other blog while all this was stewing around in my mind and I had to come up with a solution to vent it.  This works.  Once I am no longer working there, I can write what I please on the other blog and not have to worry about it.  Until then, I have to speak of this subject here.

Churches are not supposed to act this way.  I have felt as if I am being led to slaughter for having a different opinion than the Forces that Be.  Maybe I shouldn't have written it but honestly, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this.  If anything, I would think if there was concern, it should have been for me and how I was feeling.  Instead it was a stealth attack by people I trusted and have for years.  But no more.  I doubt I will ever trust them again.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My email daily devotional

Governed by His Providence

"But He saith unto them, It is I; be not afraid." John 6:20

When storms come into your life, I want you to remember this truth: "I am governed by His providence."

The storm did not take the wave walker, the Lord Jesus, by surprise. As a matter of fact, the Bible says He's the one that "commandeth and raiseth stormy seas." (Psalm 107:25)

Perhaps you're in the eye of a storm right now. It looks like your boat is sinking. Maybe it's so dark you can't see your hand before your face. I want you to know there is nothing that comes to you that He does not either cause or allow. Whether I can see it or not, whether I can understand it or not, it is a fact that God has not relinquished His rule upon His universe.

Read Matthew 8:23-27. Does Jesus see the storm in your life? Bow before the One, the only One, who can calm your storm. Trust His ways. He's in control.

Monday, October 25, 2010


There are times when we are in the midst of situations that God gives us amazing gifts.�

Way back when I was in my early twenties, I was running around with a bunch of theater friends, two of my closest being Ray and Dawn.� We were all theater fanatics and did shows together, took trips to NYC together and hung out at each other's homes together.�

Our favorite musical was "Les Miserables" and we all shared a passion for our favorite character, Eponine. I remember cruising the Dual with these two, as we belted out show tunes (I mean, seriously, how cool were we?).� We talked of our dreams and desires, our families and friends.� Dawn had lost her mother at a very early age and was raised by her dad and her grandfather and she in turn helped to raise her younger sister.

During the years of our friendship, Dawn went to DC to audition for the touring company of "Les Miserables" and was cast as Eponine.� I had the amazing experience of getting to see her perform the role not only on tour but on Broadway.� While we visited her in NYC, she and I went to see "Rent" and because Dawn knew they held seats for family and friends of the performers that they released at the last minute if they were not accounted for, we�would up second row center.

As far as I can remember that was the last time I saw her.� She continued touring, and through Ray, I heard she met a man and got married.� They moved to Toronto and were working for Disney on tour with "The Lion King".� I have thought about her often and the great times we shared.� She is one of those people I knew I would never forget but life takes people in different directions all the time and this was one of those times.

Today, I had to run out to Big Lots for cat litter.� I was not in the mood to go and even thought about putting it off until tomorrow, but talked myself into going.� As I got out of my car, I saw a woman walking ahead of me and I thought "Wow, she looks a lot like Dawn." but I immediately dismissed it as Dawn lived in Canada.� But when I followed her inside and she stopped to look at a furniture item, she was more facing me and I was unable to help myself.


"Kim!� Oh my God!"

We hugged for forever!� And then stood and talked for an hour.� Her father had passed away in July and she had been here since as executor of his estate.� We planned a tentative lunch date before she leaves in three weeks to join her husband and "The Lion�King".

I have prayed for Dawn for years; one of those special people that always remained on my heart.� God always knows what we need when we need it.� Today was truly a gift, but then every day is.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Holiday's Schmoliday's: Guest Blogger Jimnotmike

I've been think a lot about your post concerning the upcoming Holiday Season. I agree (I know...imagine that!) with pretty much all of it. I hate what the Christmas Season has become. I hate that expectations have become so high in terms of gift giving. I hate that people suddenly go crazy in stores over a stuffed animal. I hate that kids who used to be happy with a doll or action figure now require $100 sneakers or a $300 iPod. I hate having to get lists from people of what they want, and simply can't live without.

So I've made a decision. This year I vow to buy nothing as a gift that is packaged or complete in any way, shape, or form. This is going to be my year of the "created" present. I've done bits and pieces of this in the past, but never in it's entirety. No one will receive a gift from me in a blister pack, nothing that I had to fight tooth and nail over in a toy store. I am determined to not even step foot into a mall or shopping center. I'm a creative person with skills. Certainly I can come up with something to satisfy the folks on my gift list. If not, if they aren't satisfied I don't care. The way I see it, giving a gift isn't about satisfying the recipients needs, wants and desires. It's about satisfying my desire to give. If people don't like what I've given, they can smile, say "thank you" and trash it if they want. Heck, they can turn around and regift it if it offends them so much. I believe, and have been given enough sucky presents to know that it is the thought that counts.

I know the first thing everyone is going to say is, "But I have children!" Well, that's great and all...but what message does it send to our youth, and how can one expect the Holiday to ever mean something if we don't start with the children to change it. Otherwise it becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy that the Christmas Season will always be the horribly commercialized piece of crap that it's become.

So, I dare everyone who is reading this to follow me. Throw out the wish lists and the shopping lists. Corral your talents. Find what it is you do well and find a way to turn that into a gift. Food, crafts, chore coupons, I don't know a mother on this planet that wouldn't love to get a chore coupon book to redeem from her children whenever the mood strikes her. I don't know a single person who can't bake, or cook or isn't crafty in some way. (Ok, my friend Scott...but even he has skills of some kind, I'm sure). Your children won't hate you, your relatives won't think less of you, you aren't going to be stoned in the town square. In fact, you might find a few people who are quite envious of what you have managed to accomplish. That is my hope. I hope that if I can do this, if I can pull this off, that more and more people will make the effort. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid enough to think that my decision and challenge is going to change the world. All I can hope is that it changes my world...for the better. Or at the very least, for the not so holiday crappy.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thursday 13: My Personal Trainer Routine

Due to recent confusion, I have completely taken the time feature from my posts.� I can still set them up to post whenever I want, but the time is not going to show up at all.� I am not sure people really understand how it works and it has caused problems it never needed to cause.� So going forward, it will no longer show up.� I wish I had realized I could have changed it as I never had it there for any reason; it was the default and I never gave it a second thought.� So it is Wednesday night and I am doing my TT for Thursday because tomorrow is going to be busy and I won't have time to blog.

So, I am going to attempt to outline the stuff Sonia has me doing and there may be more than 13.� Just not sure so we will see how it goes.

1. Arrive and warm up on either the elliptical or the treadmill.� I do intervals, so if I am on the elliptical, I do two minutes at an 8 resistance keeping my strides between 165-175 for the two minutes.� Then for one minute, I recover and go slower, before doing another fast two minutes.� It really gets my heart rate up!

2. From there it is grab a 6 pound medicine ball and holding it in front of me, I thrust it forward each time I do 12 squats on the right.� Then 12 more on the left.� Then 12 more alternating right and left.� Not sure what hurts more; my thighs or my shoulders when I am finished.

3. Elliptical again.� Same as #1

4. Using stretchy bands, which are attached to the wall, I take one into my right hand and back away with it until the band is taut.� The hand holding the band is extended and then as I pull the band to me, another squat...12 of them with the band in my right hand, 12 with it in my left, and then 12 holding two bands, one in each hand.

5. Treadmill intervals for 5 minutes.� Run on a 1% incline at a 4.0 for two minutes.� Recover for one minute at a 3.0, repeat the 4.0.

6. Chest press with 12.5 pound weights.� Lying on a weight bench, palms holding the weight pointed to the ceiling...lift weights up to touch in the middle...repeat 12 times.

7. Scissors.� Sitting on the end of the weight bench, arms holding the bench behind me, do scissor kicks for a count of 12...4 kicks per set.

8. Repeat both 6 and 7.

9. Pushups on a medicine ball 12 times.� I suck at these but they are starting to get a tiny bit easier.

10. I actually forgot one and don't want to renumber.� Number one should be using the leg extender in the circuit training set for 50 pounds.� Lift 12 times.� I also have realized there will be more than 13�things.

11. Again with the 12.5 weights, arm curls.� Sitting on a weight bench, drop left arm so elbow is resting against the inside of left thigh.� Weight starts with arm fully extended down and then for 12 curl weight up.� Repeat on right side and then repeat both sides again.

12. Rowing machine for 5 minutes...again, two minutes fast, one minute recover, repeat.

13. With ten pound weights, stand with weights at shoulder length, palms forward.� As I do a right step squat, extend right hand holding weight up towards ceiling.� Do this for 12 and repeat on left side.

14.� Again with ten pound weights, hands at sides, right and left squats with arm curls for 12 each side, total of 24.

15. Stability ball thing...using a large stability ball, lie on back on the floor.� Holding the ball in hands, extend hands back behind head and then lift it to pass it through to my legs.� Lower legs to floor, holding ball, and then bring legs and ball back up to pass ball back to hands.�Again, 12 times.� This does not look difficult.� Try it.� It kicks my butt.

16. Repeat steps 2-16 again.� Seriously.


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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Strength and Peace

My sister in law sent me a quote the other night that is great opening for this post and my thoughts today.

"Every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side. ~ "

Barbara Kingsolver

We all get thrown into things in life we not only do not expect but do not deserve.� It has happened to all of us at one time or another and the only thing we can control is how we handle ourselves.� We cannot be responsible for anyone else.

Through life, I have learned a few things and often with each challenge that I find myself in during my journey, these things come to light once more.� The older I get, the more ingrained they become and the quicker I can recognize them as truth. I am left in awe about how some things God gives us directly and how other things, He simply gives us the ability to do it for ourselves.

Last night at kickboxing, I relieved some stress and it was amazing.� I say that because I felt incredibly stronger as the hour progressed.� My body was strong and sure, my combination by the end was 100% accurate.� My kicks were strong and my punches tight and controlled.� What I realized is that when I feel strong of body, I feel strong in other aspects of my life as well.

Today, I did my new personal trainer workout and last night's strength of body continued.� I was drenched in sweat but felt amazing and I found myself connecting with several songs blasting through my headphones.

"What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

Everything.� I try to approach all aspects of my life by giving my all.� Whether it be at work, at home, at the gym,�working with my kids on homework.� I try very hard not to do things halfway, to be thorough and to depart from whatever my task is with a clear conscience knowing it was a job well done.� There is no point in doing anything if you are not willing to do it well.

"When you're soarin' through the air, I'll be your solid ground"

I am constantly reminded of my amazing friends, family and extended family.� Those who truly know me, my ethics, my dreams, my goals.� Your support in words and prayers are something I am forever thankful for.� Every year you are all in my life, I appreciate you more.

Last night as I pulled up to the Y for kickboxing, I heard a song on Sirius "The Message", my station of choice all the time, that I had not heard in a year or so.� But it was a song I loved that always seems to turn up for when life is hard.� You can say it is a coincidence but I don't believe in those.

Well, sometimes my life

Just don�t make sense at all

When the mountains look so big

And my faith just seems so small


So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark

It�s so hot inside my soul

I swear there must be blisters on my heart


So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don�t come natural to me

I�d rather fight You for something

I don�t really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I�ve beat my head against so many walls

Now I�m falling down, I�m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band

Is playing this hymn

And Your grace rings out so deep

It makes my resistance seem so thin


So hold me Jesus, �cause I�m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory

Won�t you be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory

Won�t You be my Prince of Peace

Thank you for that one, God.� And to sum up that last thought, when I left the Y today, I had a text from my sister in law that said "Praying God's blessing upon you today.� May you feel the peace of God and His love surround you."

My sister in law, my sister in Christ, who so understands my heart...He has given me His peace.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Clearing the Air

Today has been an eye opener for me and that's all I'm going to say about that.

I do want to point out one thing to all my readers, those that comment and those that don't.� My blog posts are not always up to date.� Godaddy has this really cool thing called "Timestamp".� Basically what this means is that when I write a blog post, I can timestamp to be posted at whatever time I chose.� You are not always getting to the minute information. Often, on the eve of a busy day, once kid's lunches are packed, homework is complete and dishes are done, I will blog my post for the following day.� But as I post Monday through Friday, if I already have a blog up for the current day, I will timestamp my new post to go live at whatever time the next day.� Often when I do this, I simply change the P in PM to A for AM.� So if I am blogging at 10:06 PM, I will change the timestamp to 10:06 AM.� Just easier to do as my only desire is it post the next day.

For example, I am hurriedly writing this right now at 5:20 PM and I have to leave for kickboxing soon.� I am going to timestamp this to post at 7:01 PM, when I will be walking out of class, dripping wet and feeling stronger.�

So that's how things work around here.� Just so we are all clear.� When I go on the mission trips, if you are a regular reader, you will note that most days there is a post.� On the mission trips, I have no access to internet or even a computer.� So before I leave for the trip, I set up my posts, whether they be mine or a guest blogger, one to post each day of the week.� I love this feature.

So, finishing up now at 5:22, set to post at 7:01.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why Do I Do These Things?

So I have again, stretched myself really thin for today with too much to do and not enough hours to get it all done without rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off.� I have a workout with Sonia after work and then I have to run to the store to get a few things for dinner tonight as it is my mother's birthday and she is coming for dinner.� The Brit can't be there due to council meeting and my house is a small disaster at the moment and I have till 5:00 to get it all done.� I am thinking a shower after my workout is not in the stars...Whoo Hooo!

The weekend was a little busy for my tastes lately.� Saturday was fun as we went to a Make a Wish event, but then it was all crazy with The Genius going to homecoming; there was dressing, corsage, pictures at the park, and then picking them up after the dance.� Sunday we had to go do some stuff with the boat, so between that and church it was an all day affair.� The fall colors were beautiful up at the lake however and worth the trip.

My weekend eating continues to be a little nuts and I really need to work that out.� Ya know, I would be fine not going to dinner�every Saturday night if someone else would cook at home.� I just like the night off from having to decide what to fix, fixing it, serving it and cleaning it up.� It would save money and still make me happy.�

Jimnotmike, thank you for your article for this Friday.� Jim�has taken my Christmas rant to heart and has some suggestions for all of us, so tune in on Friday for that.

Okay, i know this is short and I promise to one day get back to real blogging...though actually lately, this is about as real as it gets; insanity reigns supreme apparently!� I leave you with a Homecoming photo.� When did he get this old?

Friday, October 15, 2010

One More Workout Between Me and the Weekend

Tod, I totally win.� When I wrote "Horrible Food Day" on the 12th, the last thing I wrote was that if you had not joined the Y, I win.� You did not post you joined the Y until the 14th.� I actually wrote two pages on the 9th...but haven't gone any further yet.� Not sure I like it.� Anyway, congrats on joining!

My out of state siblings are on their way to the airport to go home.� It was a lovely visit and I enjoy spending time with them.� Plus I will see my brother again the beginning of December!

This weekend holds mixed feelings for me.� Not in a bad way, but there are things that need to be taken care of with the boat and though I love the boat, it stresses me out terribly.� Seems that everytime we go near the thing something bad happens.� How fun is that?� We have put a hole in the bottom of it, flattened a tire on the trailer and had it not start due to a dead sparkplug (but we had no idea that was the problem and it took around 4-5 hours to find out what it was and fix it).� Then there is the whole me driving it that stresses me...especially getting it on and off the trailer and the only alternative to that would be to learn to back up the trailer and I am not sure I can do that either.� I love being out on the water with it, but everything in between that?� Not so much.

The Genius is going to another school's Homecoming tomorrow night so we have that going on.��� Maybe dinner with Kelly tomorrow night after Homecoming pics at the park and my BFFF, Kirk, will be home this weekend so YAY!� So there are some non-stressful things happening.

I am going to leave you with�this short, but interesting�bit of reading material� for the weekend.� It always amazes me to read this kind of stuff because it is not something we often think about.� I mean, who can remember how big a slice of pizza was twenty years ago?� So not only are we assaulted by junk food, we have restaurants fattening us up without our often realizing just how different portion sizes are today.� Check it out along with the calorie count.� We need to always be aware!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Thursday 13: The I Dislike Edition

A handful of things lately have seriously been getting on my nerves so what better way to vent than a Thursday 13!

1) People who contradict my love of animals with referring to things like skunks and squirrels as not being cute.� Yes, they can have their own opinions but it doesn't mean I agree.� I am a TRUE animal lover.� If it has hair or fins and is not a tarantula, I care deeply for it.

2) Lies.� I hate being lied to.� Period.

3) When I am polite and ask if someone�minds if I do something and get about a half smart answer.� Especially when that person has told me something they are going to do.� Morale of the story: don't ask.� Just tell.

4) People who try to take over.

5) People who treat volunteer things like a "I can turn up when I feel like it."� If we all did that, we would be in trouble in many aspects of life.

6) Always having to decide what we are eating for dinner.� I decide 6 days a week as that is how many days I cook.� Why do I have to decide the one other day too?

7) Empty containers being put back in the fridge.� Seriously?

8) Dirty dishes in the sink.� Is washing a dish really that difficult?

9) When kids give me forms that need to be signed about 2.5 seconds before they have to leave for school.� Um, how about the night before, dude?

10)� On Facebook when I remark about being cold that people comment and talk about how much they love this weather.� I wish all their weather love made me warmer, but guess what? It doesn't.

11) People who block the whole isle in the store with their carts...or the people riding their electronic carts who act like they own the store.� I heard one of these folks threaten to run someone over once.�

12) Drivers who lack common pretty much everyone in my town.� They do still put turn signals in cars, right?

13) When people at the gym use a weight bench as a place to chat with their husband/wife/friend.� That's not a sofa, hobag.

I will still do the dishes, decided on where we are going for dinner and deal with the empty containers in the fridge.� But I don't have to like it.


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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's Coming....

So I may have found a Bible study at another Lutheran Church.� I was looking at the non-denominational churches but they only have things in the evenings and that gets�complicated.�� My other option would be an on-line Bible study and I may have to research that next.� I would still think that there are some small groups that meet in my town during the week (I even called Borders Books as they have groups meet in their cafe) but so far I have come up empty handed.� One would have never thought that trying to get a little God in my life on a weekly basis would be so difficult but it is.� The really sad part is that it should be really easy.�


I honestly have nothing else to write about today!� I am coming up blank and my mind is so full of stuff I am trying to get accomplished that it is hard to narrow in on a topic.� Then I start fretting about the fact that Christmas is coming and didn't we JUST do Christmas?� Hate that holiday!� Yeah, yeah, yeah, the girl who is looking for a Bible study hates Christmas.� See, if Christmas wasn't all about children and expensive electronics, I would love it.� I love the decorating and the baking.� I love the TRUE spirit of Christmas, which nowadays is very well hidden underneathe all the commercialism.� My ultimate Christmas would be a candlelight service somewhere they have a for real sermon, then Christmas Day, a big meal with my mother, close family that I love spending time with�and a few close friends who have nowhere else to go on Christmas Day (if this is you, hit me up.� You can have dinner with us!), followed by a fire in the fireplace, wine and a whole lot of talking and exchanging stories.� THAT would be Christmas for me.� Not a bunch of stress about "Why do my kids want such expensive gifts and by the time I get them one or two things they want there is next to nothing under the tree?"� That is often what Christmas is at my house. Then after all the gift opening, the husband gets grouchy and I get stressed trying to get a meal on the table to suit everyone's schedule and after dinner, the kids go to grandma's and I curl up on the sofa exhausted with the TV droning out all possibility of conversations�and already dreading next year.� If only I could work out a way to make it my first scenario and still have everyone be happy, I could probably love the holiday again.

So apparently when I have nothing to write about, I write about dreading upcoming holidays.� You all can be Thankful that Christmas is the only one I hate.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Horrible Food Day!

I know that some days are simply destined to be terrible and today was one of them.� It didn't start out badly.� The usual oatmeal with a banana.� Then a cup and a half of macaroni salad with whole wheat pasta for my mid-morning snack.� Then I spent the afternoon with my mother, brother and sister and it went downhill from there.� Crabs (not bad) followed by a spoonful of broccoli salad (again not bad as it was made with low calorie dressing), a spoonful of egg salad (probably bad for the mayo), and some egg custard (terrible bad).� We then went to dinner and I had a ribeye sandwich on whole wheat which I ate half of, some sweet potato fries and a few corn fritters.� Then freaking non-fat frozen yogurt which probably has a major sugar count, though it did not make me sick.� I need to look that up. And no kickboxing to boot!

Anyway, the rest of the week must be wonderful.� Tomorrow is my two hour workout at the gym.� Thursday night, Michael is teaching kickboxing so I can make up my class.�

I am up to my ears in things on my To Do List.� Nothing major but still STUFF!� I have near me right now two books I am anxious to read:

The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

I am Googling to try to find a Bible study in Hagerstown in the afternoon...not a Lutheran study which is the only thing being offered at my church and I don't give a monkey's chuff (British saying.� No idea what a chuff is) about being Lutheran.� Honestly.� My parents joined a Lutheran church when I was a kid and it was not because they had a strong desire to be Lutherans.� I do not get hung up on denomination.� I don't care.� I want to learn more about the Bible.� My sister can pull up scriptures from memory, knows what book of the Bible they are in and that is important to me.� So I need to find something to fill that need.

I have finally bought a full length mirror so I need to do some furniture rearranging here at home.� So much to do, so little time.� Thus the short blog posts this week.� Too much to do!

Peace out!

Oh and Tod, if you have not joined the Y yet....I win.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Still Have Issues being Inspiring

My older brother and sister are here from California and Texas.� We all gathered at my mother's yesterday for crabs and family time and my brother, who has lost 30 pounds since June, told me I was the one who had inspired him.� Yet I struggle with this.� Maybe it is because of the opinions of people like Cathy at the Y and the feeling that somehow I cheated.� Do I work really hard now and have I worked really hard in the past?� Yes.� Yet I do not see myself as inspiring, which is odd because isn't part of the purpose of my blog to inspire people to get out there and get moving?� Why does it have to be so complicated for me?

After a weekend away from the gym, I was finally not sore at all yesterday, but then today happened and now my legs are killing me again.� Will a kabillion squats ever not make me sore?

Today was insane.� I got up early to clean the house as this was the one night everyone was free to come over for dinner.� So I finished that, got the kids out the door for school, and went to work.� Worked my four hours, and went to do my almost one hour and 45 minute workout.� Raced out of there to the grocery store and got home about 3:30.� Unpacked groceries and flew into the shower.� After dressing, it was de-skin chicken, cut up potatoes and make veggie skewers.� Got potatoes and chicken in the oven and by this time, I was running out of energy, especially given the fact that my freakin' period started this morning.� But about that time, my knight in shining armour of a husband showed up to do the grilling.� I was very happy to see him having been on my feet for a few hours.� So dinner was a sucess.� We cleaned up and then all congregated to the living room for chatter and television.

I'll get to see them again tomorrow for some running around.� Love it when they are here!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Figuring Out What Works for Me

So Jimnotmike left me a comment a few days ago when I was discussing the carb thing and I want to make a few comments on his comment because I am starting to figure out a few things, thank goodness!

Anyway, he said:

Ok, you talked about carbs, so you know I have to comment. Maybe it's me, and obviously it is...but the low carb thing is the easiest thing on the planet! Regardless of whether you do the first 2 weeks of it or not...that's just a kick start and totally unneeded. It's as simple as changing your mind. I know...I say that a lot. But it's less bread, less sugar, less pasta, less potatoes. Heck it isn't even less pasta and potatoes if what you keep in mind is that it isn't really about what you eat, BUT how fast what you eats takes to digest. Ok, so thought 1 - Fats are not metabolized as fat in the body. Fat pretty much glides through you system and out your poop hole. This is why the South Beach and Atkins plans are so effective. This is mainly because your body doesn't digest fats very easily. Your body takes the carbs you eat and first uses them for energy and THEN stores them as fat to use later while all that fat just passes right on by because it's complicated. So here is how I think about it. That sandwich I'm going to eat? I'm going to have it open-face, or one of those great new "Bread Rounds" AND I'm going to put Mayo on it (Full power Real Mayo---Fat) because that is going to slow down the digestion. AND THEN, I'm going to put some lettuce or spinach on it for roughage, cause your stomach can chew on that for hours. That pasta I'm going to's going to be whole wheat(much harder to digest) and it's probably going have an Alfredo sauce or if tomato it's going to be smothered in parmesan cheese, also harder to digest. That chocolate sauce that I am going to drizzle on my ice cream is going to be sugar free and the ice cream is going to have no sugar added. And I might even put a big ol dab of REAL peanut butter on that ice cream. Everything I can possibly do to make that food harder to digest. Because all the energy my body expends digesting that food is burning calories. I haven't exercised in months...not since the beach trip, cause well, ya gotta be hot for the beach! And even without a bit of exercise I am still UNDER 200 lbs, the same weight I was when I went to the beach. Low Carb is not rocket science and it isn't eggs everyday for's as simple as changing your mind. Choose, choose wisely and you will be rewarded.

Much of this makes sense, but as a whole, I don't think South Beach is for me.� Some of the choices he mentioned, I already do; Such as,�I exclusively use whole wheat pasta and bread and have been for a long time, though I don't eat much bread.� I don't often eat white potatoes as I prefer sweet potatoes.� But here was the thing....when I was totally low carbing it, my energy tanked.� I am much more than a mile long walk a day girl.� I put all I have into my gym workouts and I am still pretty convinced that a lot of my plateau problems existed due to needing to do free weight work and not having a freaking clue where to start with that, combined with being too lazy to try to figure it out myself.�

Along with my energy tanking, my other problem is at night the last few weeks, I have been ravenous!� Keep in mind that my surgery usually (there are times when I can eat way more than I think I should be able to, but those times are rare) prohibits me from eating much volume in one sitting.� I think this is why so many RNYers fall into that routine of "grazing" because we nibble over the course of a few hours.� Watch me at fire pit; I have never fixed a big ole plate of anything.� When I get up to do something, I will usually nibble a bit at what is on the table and then sit back down.� I graze.� But most nights are not fire pit so grazing those other nights is a huge problem.� Yet I have been constantly hungry.� I am burning all sorts of calories at the gym, coming home, not eating till dinner where I don't consume much food and try not to consume much at all in the way of carbs, and wonder why the hell I am starving two hours later?�

Part of it clicked for me when Jim said "And even without a bit of exercise I am still UNDER 200 lbs, the same weight I was when I went to the beach."� My energy would tank when I tried to exercise; I had nothing in me to sustain the activities I was trying to do.� The Genius runs cross country and guess what the team does the night before a meet?� They have a big ole spaghetti dinner because they need the carbs to run the next day.� If I am going to exercise, I need to have fuel to do it.

The other problem for me is that full fat items make me sick.� Literally.� My stomach and intestinal rerouting does not allow for me to feel good off this kind of stuff.� I also have to be careful with sugar free items because many of them are insanely high in sugar alcohols.� Sickest I ever got since my surgery was off sugar free ice cream.� I barfed my head off.� My system can no longer handle it.� Ice cream in general is a struggle for me, which is a good thing.� I have been sick off the full sugar version to, especially when I paired with..was it a fire pit one night....maybe it was cobbler.� I forget, but the point is, I was sick.

So I have some limitations that "normal" people don't have.� Things I have to be careful of.� Yes, I also sometimes eat other things that I know are going to make me feel bad.� It's my struggle and I am dealing with that.

I had a conversation with Ashley (formerly known on this blog as Amanda.� I figured out her real name.� At least I had the A right) at the Y today. As she has lost a lot of weight and has gained some serious muscle and she is close to my age, I asked her for advice on snacks, explaining how hungry I had been at night and we got in a big conversation about carbs and exercise.�

So yes, I have to be careful with my amount of carbs and what kind of carbs I eat, but I am going to have a carb, a good carb with my dinner.� I can not always pair a carb with a full power mayo unless I would want the possibility of inviting puking or severe discomfort into my immediate future.� I am no longer watching the carbs in my yogurt, but the sugars.� I am going to be drinking an 8 ounce glass of lowfat chocolate milk within 45 minutes of my weight training workouts.� I am going to strive for 4 servings a day of fruits and veggies to help sustain my body to keep me from feeling hungry in the evenings.� I am going to let Sonia kick my ass at the Y and we are going to see how it goes.

Maybe in a few months, I will find out I was wrong.� Only time will tell.

Have a great weekend, peeps!

Peace out!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thursday Thirteen: The "I Heart" Edition

I haven't done TT for the last few weeks so I decided it was time to get back to it.� Oh and I am sore as hell today.� Yes, it is in a good, but I am sore in places I didn't know could get sore!

Anyway, for today's TT, I am going to attempt to come up with things I love that make me, me.� You will find nothing here that will change the world or even shatter it a little bit; just a handful of things that for some odd reason, make me happy.

1. Socks.� I love them.� Athletic socks, the no show version in white or multi-colored.� Regular socks to wear with jeans and clogs in brown or black or that have cute designs on them.� I love them all.

2. Office stores and supplies.� The Brit tries to steer me clear of these places, because surround me with organizational stuff and pens, calendars, etc and I am in heaven.

3. Inspirational jewelry.� You know, the necklaces and bracelets that say things like "Live, dream, believe" or whatever.� I love wearing my mantras on my sleeve or neck.

4. While we are on jewelry, I cannot leave out dangly earrings.� Now that my hair is short, if I leave the house and forget earrings I feel as if I have forgotten to wear pants.� While I wear studs in my top two holes, none of that for the bottom ones.� Dangly is where it's at for me.

5. Water bottles.� I love them and am always looking at them in the stores.� Don't ask me why.� I don't get it either.

6. Shoes.� Yeah, this is a girl thing.� I love sandals, boots (I need to find a black pair), clogs, athletic shoes.� And they don't have to be new.� You know this girl loves Goodwill.

7. And speaking of Goodwill, I love thrift stores.� I can now find clothing in my size a bit more easily and have discovered a newfound clothing addiction.� Thrift stores keep my addiction affordable and are full of name brands.

8. Hoodies.� If I could I would have one from every single place I visit or anyone in my family visited.� Zip up or pullover; doesn't matter.

9. Farmer's markets.� I adore these places.� Love browsing, love buying my produce locally.� I wish we lived in a climate where I could do this all year round but I don't.

10. Airports.� There is something about being in an airport that is great fun for me.� I love the stores and watching all the people and wondering where they are going and being excited about where I am going.� Two months till Calfornia, baby!

11. A fire in the fireplace.� Something about that signifies home and being able to put my feet up and relax...despite all that jumping up and down to add wood.

12. Books.� Despite having limited time to read due to all the other things I either have to do or want to do, I love curling up with a good story or if time is especially short, a magazine.�It symbolizes down time for me and often inspires me...though not enough yet.

13. Alto singers.� You can have the screetchy sopranos as I can't hit those notes anyway and to me, nothing sounds better on a girl than a rich, alto voice.

There ya go!� What did you write about today?


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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hurts to Type

So I met with Sonia today, my new BFF and personal trainer.� I think I got a slight idea of what contestants on The Biggest Loser go through in the gym.� OMG.� It was brutal in the way that weight lifting and we are talking hand weights are kind of new to me and she combines with them other the same time.� We did interval training...five minutes weight work, five minutes took about 45 minutes the first time around...and then we did it ALL.� OVER.� AGAIN.� When I left, driving was painful.

I took a hot bath when I got home which helped a little bit and then managed to resist a nap despite feeling like I could use one.� Sonia is meeting with me again next week to go through it again to make sure I have it all down so that leaves me doing it alone twice to see if I have it down.� Now, just keep me away from bad foods.

This Saturday is fall clean up day at the church and it makes me want to puke.� It puts me there 7 days this week and I hate that.� I don't think we'll be staying too long as The Genius has a run at Smithsburg, so depending what time his run is, we are leaving to see him.� Sure, I could not go to the clean up on Saturday, but with The Brit being the president of the council we really need to go.� I've just been having enough trouble simply being there Monday through Friday in my current frame of mind right now where that place is concerned.� If I were being filled spiritually, it would improve my desire to be there, but instead I find myself getting burned out trying to do too much and getting nothing in return.� I know that if something doesn't turn around soon, I may come to a crossroads where I will need to make a decision...actually more than one as it is also my job.

Once that annoyance is out of the way, the rest of the weekend is looking up.� After The Genius' run, the kids, myself, and two of my youth kids are going to see "Legend of the Guardians" (I love owls) and on Sunday, my brother and sister will be here from California and Vegas-now-Texas and we are all gathering at my mother's place for crabs.� The Chosen Ones will be there but I can deal with them for as little as I see them.

So just get me through Saturday morning and all will be well for a bit...till Monday anyway.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

There is still hope!

So if you have been reading here for awhile, you may remember me mentioning my friend, Celia, who had her RNY a good ten years before I did.� I had not talked to her in awhile and then out of the blue, she contacted me this week to ask how I was doing and I told her the following:

I am doing pretty well. Stopped losing about a year ago and am not yet where I want to be. Still working out 4-5 days a week but I do struggle with those evil, evil carbs! So I have been maintaining my still newish size 18. But not ready to give up yet. I am meeting with a trainer this week at the YMCA to see what I need to change up to hopefully kickstart my body again. I know I need to get off some of my food choices and it is so weird! My weaknesses are no longer chocolate or cake etc, but chewy sugary crap, like twizzler and orange slices! Strange! But I will kick them; I am determined!

Celia responded with this:

Your losing plateau sounds just like mine! The orange slices sugar covered yummy was my challenge for a while as well. If you remember I told you I was a size 18 for 5 or 6 years then i decided I wanted to be in the under 200 club. So I kicked the carb diet back in gear & lost another 60 some lbs and now weigh 165lbs TA DA!!!!�Recipe is as always work out more then you take in. �SOUNDS EASY... But of course it is not!

So I have hope!� I have wondered a few times if maybe my body was just refusing to go any lower...probably because that was the easy explanation as opposed to the "I need to re-evaluate my food choices and exercise routine" explanation.

I got home yesterday after the gym and the grocery store and then spent the next few hours in the kitchen.� I worked on last night's dinner, as well as a pot of soup from Sunday's chicken leftovers, a crock pot of turkey chili for tonight, and made a few batches of baked cheese crisps.� Jimnotmike introduced me to these a while ago as a low carb snack, and I elected to make a few of my own.� I did parmesan cheese with garlic and then a small experimental batch of cheddar with cinnamon (they are actually pretty good) and a batch of cheddar with onion flavoring.� If anyone is interested in these, you can find the recipe here .� They are super easy to make.� Essentially, a baking tray, an oven, shredded cheese and whatever spices you have and want to use.� I think next I will try something with some hotness to it.

So I am not officially South Beaching....or maybe I am.� I can't do eggs for breakfast every morning.� I get bored with them and for years we have heard about eggs and cholesterol and that thought won't leave my mind.� My other issue is that my energy gets really zapped on Phase One South Beach, so I am not going to start over.� It's almost like substituting no carbs for no exercise and as I am an avid exerciser, it just didn't work well for me in Phase One.� Energy-wise, it was a really hard two weeks.� In fact my two runs on Phase One were so terrible, I have not run since and I need to remedy that soon.� Don't get me wrong; the coming off all the carbs helped me get things back to being manageable, but the exerciser in me was struggling and the runner in me started dying a slow and painful death.

So tomorrow I meet with my trainer.� I'll let you know how it goes!

Monday, October 4, 2010

What Matters Most?

I am not upset with anyone, but I have to put something out there to hopefully have some folks see things from my perspective.� I write a lot of stuff on here that I don't want certain people to view and I feel safe writing it there because I know these people either don't read my blog or don't do the internet at all (yes there are non-internet folks out there still!).� There are some people in my life who don't read here and I am glad because some of the situations I write about, those people are close to them...and sometimes those people can be loose canons with little to no filtering skills.� While these folks might make my "side" of things, what I don't want is them shooting off at the mouth about anything I have said in reference to my unhappiness with certain things in my life right now, to anyone who may be making that part of my life unhappy.� Not everyone has the capacity to filter or to be quiet and I like that I can vent here without some people, who would be most vocal on my behalf, knowing my thoughts.� If I wanted them to know, I would tell them, but with some things, in order to keep the peace, it is better they not know so that I don't have to live in constant paranoia (like I am now) of them saying something to someone.� I hope this makes some sense.� Just understand that some people close to me are too close to some of the situations I speak of, so it makes me much more comfortable that they don't know anything.

Moving on....

I am not a huge fan of The Anti-Jared , mostly because at times he seems a little impressed with himself and I see this mostly on Facebook.� When he posts a question like "how many times have you worked out this week?" his very next sentence is "Me?� 7 times." I find it annoying.� Almost as if his status was not about how everyone else is doing but more about how well he is doing.� Might just be my perspective.� Anyway, he did�post something yesterday that I liked and related to on several levels; as an individual struggling with weight issues for the rest of her life, as a blogger, as a wife.� You should read it.

With that being read...or said, or whatever, today begins my tightening the reins on my life again.� Am I strong?� Sometimes.� And then there are days at a time I struggle with food.� I have been working out to support my food habits lately and I need to gain control of it again.� I am maintaining my weight loss, bouncing the same pounds up and down again and again.� Though not all bad, it is far from good.� I still have a number in my head and I'm not there yet.� But here's a new's flash:� I AM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING THAT NUMBER.� Yes, it is hard.� You will never, ever, ever hear me say that losing weight is easy.� NEVER.� Keeping it off?� HARD!� Every single day brings with it new challenges and new emotions.� There are always things I have to be so careful of, because they will cause me to eat when I am either not hungry or for me to�make bad choices.� These kinds of things are as follows but are not limited to just those things:




hurt feelings

Television (don't we all want to snack there?)



But you know what?� None of these things are GOOD reasons to eat.� They are just reasons...most of them are emotions and we cannot eat those.� One of my favorite things Jared said in his article was "Being a food addict does not mean you are a failure. It does not make you weak. It does not make you less of a person. It means the relationship with food is different."

We have all have had relationships in our lives that we have had to navigate in special ways, because the way someone else managed it would not work for us.� We are not a "one size fits all" world, so there is no one answer for everyone.� But we still have to work out how to navigate our relationship with food so the relationship is healthy.� Any and all relationships can become unhealthy; abuse, neglect, apathy.� Food is right in there with people relationships!� We can abuse it, we can neglect our bodies or we can not care in that moment what we doing to our health.� But don't let the day come where you lay dying and thinking "Why didn't I do something while I was able to do it?"� Don't let that day come!

Sometimes doors can close on weight loss that we had hoped would be open for us.� But I have to believe that the reason is closed is because God knew it would not be a good thing.� Maybe you planned to run a marathon and broke your ankle...maybe God knew if you ran the marathon something else, much worse would have happened and he didn't want you in that place at that time.� Maybe you were denied for surgery because God knew you would not have survived it, due to health or doctor error.� We don't know the reasons things happen as they do, but our health still needs us to take control of it.

So I am taking my control back, one bite at a time.� And it isn't going to be easy.� I love food.� I love to snack. But do�I love it more than I would love being around for my family and friends for many years to come and to be able to interact with them physically and not from a bed completely immobile?�

I hope not.


Friday, October 1, 2010

So is it a Heavenly Brick I Am Being Hit with?

I firmly believe that God tries to get our attention with things He may want for us to do.� When I was jumping through all the hoops before my RNY surgery, I was terrified, but from the beginning, I told God that if He brought me to surgery, I trusted He would get me through it.� I figured He could put the brakes on it at any time and He didn't, so when I went into surgery, I knew I would emerge on the other side of surgery safely.

I also believe that God places certain things on our hearts.� I mean, if someone always wanted to be a doctor for as long as they could remember, I think God places that on the heart and then makes a way for it to happen.� Now, I know you all are sick of hearing about my little dream of being a writer.� I have it, and am terrified to pursue it seriously, yet the desire never goes away.� I dabble in writing, but nothing I would or could publish.� I already know if I were to write a story, it would be in the Christian fiction genre and I already know the story I would tell.�

When I was at Women of Faith in August, in the program they give you, there was a WOF fiction writing contest.� There it is again...that whole writing thing that I believe God is trying to lead me to, though I resist kicking and screaming out of fear of failure.� And yes, I know all the cliches about "The only failure is the failure to try" blah, blah, blah.� Got it.� Have told myself that a kabillion and a half times.� Anyway, I sat right there in the arena and logged onto the website through my phone and entered.� Sitting in an arena, full of women who face the same daily struggles as I do and who love God as much as I do, I felt confident.

Once I got home?� Not so much confidence.� Back into avoidance mode.� Actually forgot all about the contest...till yesterday when I got an email from the publishing company thanking me again for entering and again giving me the list of rules and regulations.� I rolled my eyes, "Yeah God, I know.� I know.� But I don't think I can do it!"

Today my cell phone rang and it was the publishing company!� They were offering their support, thanking me for entering and urging me to call with any questions.

So really, is it God trying to hit me with a brick again?� Or just coincidence?� Coincidences are way easier for me as it helps avoidance reign.