I've decided that when it comes to some things, I'm a little bit complicated.
In many sets of circumstances, I can easily put on a front of "I don't care". Not because I'm being difficult, but because some things are just how they are and even if someone else doesn't accept those things being as they are, it doesn't make it anyone's fault. So if I'm doing something I'm supposed to be doing and someone gets angry because I'm doing it, my thoughts are just "It is what it is" and if someone else can't deal with it, that isn't my problem.
Not that I'm callus. It isn't that. There are just some things that need to change or that are supposed to change regardless of how someone else feels about it.
I like people to like me for the most part and don't like having people angry with me, unless they are people I don't particularly care for. I give everyone a fair shake, I think, but some people are just disagreeable, or vindictive and those kinds of people, I really don't care if they like me or not. God says I have to love them, but I don't have to like them. There is a difference and not everyone is likable.
So when someone I either like or don't dislike is angry with me, it bothers me, especially when their anger is misplaced.
Today, someone accused me of something being "my fault" when I was just following the instruction of those who give me instruction in my job. This person though, apparently feels that the changes are of my doing and they aren't really. I support the changes because they should have changed a long time ago and this one person is the sole reason the changes didn't happen years before. People have fought for this in the past, and didn't win out against one individual, who surprisingly enough, is not an employee, but a volunteer. An elderly, do not change anything because I don't want anything to change ever, volunteer.
Because of the changes taking place, I have spent time walking on eggshells around this person because I don't dislike her and I don't want to butt heads with her. And though I empathize with her situation regarding this change, I still support the change as the right thing to do, but she is never going to see it as the right thing to do.
Today, when she blantantly accused me of this being my fault, I came back at her (calmly, of course) in order to defend myself. The changes were not my fault just because I supported them. Yet, I hate to see someone upset and she was upset; tearful even. I know when you have been doing something for forty years, it must be hard to give it up, but yet, the only thing constant in this life, other than God, is change. People grow older, technology advances, situations mold and evolve. You can't stop it. Yes, you can dig your heels in and declare you aren't going, but then life is just going to pass you by while you stubbornly remain right where you are.
So, how do you handle someone like this? If I empathize too much, she will think I agree with her, which I don't. I know she is hurt but she is taking this personally and it is not personal. Yes, I tried to tell her that today, so maybe there is nothing else that can be done. I don't want her to be upset, but I don't want to be her scapegoat either just because she needs someone to be angry with because life changes. Get angry with a clock...that would make just as much sense as getting angry with me.
Hopefully, and this too shall pass.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A little conversation from this morning:
JJ: I hope my bus is early because we get to pick our seats today and I want to sit in the back.
Me: In the back? Why in the back?
JJ: Because that's where all the cool kids sit.
Me: And you're a cool kid?
How on earth is he growing up so fast?
Monday, August 27, 2007
We started a new prayer group at church tonight that I'm pretty excited about. There are only a handful of us so far, but it was still amazing for me. We talked, raised concerns for people, and we'll be doing a study using a book for prayerful healing. At the end, when we prayed aloud, it was awesome. That spontaneous feeling of praying as I felt led to pray aloud was just new and incredible. I'm so looking forward to seeing what God has in store for this group!
As some of you may recall, last year I participated in NaNoPoBloMo, which was National Blog Writing Month. NaNoPoBloMo is actually a spin off of NaNoWriMo, which is National Novel Writing Month and also takes place during the month of November. A few excerpts from their website:
National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.
Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.
Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down.
For someone who has always hungered to write, this could be an incredible thing. I have had a title for my first Christian fiction book forever and I have a rough plot. I'm trying to work out a few issues with characters and plot in the next two months before insanity starts. I'll also need to figure out how many words per day and per week I'll need to type in order to make the goal. The only major thing, other than Thanksgiving and JJ's birthday, that occurs in November is kid's Christmas shopping, so I think if I'm going to do NaNoWriMo, I will need to slate toy store shopping for the end of October, because the beginning of December in a toy store??? Nu uh! I will keep you all updated on if I am going to do this thing and then if I am, know that there may be few blog entries that have more than a word or two of desperation and insane musings.
Yes, people, school started last week. After a day of happy dancing, I set to work reclaiming my house, ie cleaning up summer and am still at it. I start out the summer trying to keep up with the "breadcrumbs" the kids leave throughout the house (legos on the floors, models on every table in sight, stuffed cats everywhere, sticky counters, floors, tables, you get the picture) and eventually run myself ragged and finally decided "To hell with this! It never ends!" So, by mid-July, I have given up until the day they board the buses once more.
In sadder school news, one of my favorite teenagers in the world has set off to college, two hours away. This kid has been singing next to me in the praise band since he was ten and I have always referred to him as "an old soul". As he pointed out to me on the mission trip, I have never treated him like a child, but as an equal, because, well, he just was! We had similar interests and similar opinions and I'm already missing the living daylights out of him. He's just always been one of my favorite people and I wish him every success.
Now, how about a pic or two from Amish country to end the night?
Friday, August 24, 2007
I was just reading Beth Moore's blog and found what she talked about at the Atlanta Women of Faith conference. I liked it, so I thought I'd share.
My Dear Sister,
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Has His hand on you.
Don't trade what He has for you
For the comforts of this world.
Let the love of Christ compel you
And infuse you with courage.
God, even God, who created the heavens
Is the One who comforts you.
Whatever you do,
Don't refuse it!
His grace will guard you from bitterness
And Christ will turn your pain
Into Holy Passion.
Pour your life lavishly into others.
Humble yourself and share your hardships
That others may also share your comfort.
Live till you die!
Then live like there's no tomorrow!
For the King enthroned in Heaven
Is worthy of your all.
Now, go, Girl!
For the Father of Mercies
And the God of all comfort
Goes with you.
Bless be God
And bless be you!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
So the day after we returned from Lancaster, I came down with some sort of creeping crud that lasted about three days. Congestion, fever, chills, the works and it was horrible and then I started to feel better until today. Today, I am again feeling a little under the weather and am actually hoping that maybe it is a relapse that will last until Saturday night in order to avoid any and all contention about Saturday. If I'm sick, I can't go anywhere and people can't be mad at me for being sick, right?
I have also come to the realization that no matter what way Saturday goes (other than the sick possibility) I will be in the middle of something. Not going, people will be mad at me. Going, person will be mad at me. Well, ain't life just grand? Maybe if I don't relapse, I can just split myself in two for a day so I can make everyone happy but me. Perhaps that would at least be the way of least contention.
Stay tuned for Nanowrimo, long awaited vacation pictures and the happy dance because school started yesterday!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I don't generally like to blog when I'm angry or in this case, frustrated, but there are times when this blog is therapy when I don't feel like people are hearing me or understanding me.
There are certain things that even though they are "not right" are simply necessary. Not because it is life and death or anything like that, but sometimes you just have to decide what is the lesser of two evils. This is not always an easy thing for me to do and apparently it is an even more difficult thing for someone else to understand.
Being the female, I put up with a good bit of flack from the mothers in this family. If the Brit and I decide to do something or not do something that my mother doesn't like, I get the flack from it. If his mother is not happy about something, I get the flack for it (such as not sending a birthday card because I didn't get it out in the mail on time for it to arrive overseas in a reasonable time frame). The mothers do not go to him, they go to me, and I do my best to pick and chose my battles and there is a certain element of respect that one has to apply when dealing with older parents as well. The fact is that often the Brit is not aware of the flack that I deal with. I just do my best to take it in stride, smooth it over and allow life to go on as pleasantly and stress-free as possible.
So there is this "thing" coming up that we were invited to that we really don't want to attend, however, not attending is going to cause lots of that flack I mentioned earlier that I will be the one to receive. Now, one might say "Who cares? The other people just need to deal with it." Yes, there is that option, but I am not one to cut off my nose to spite my face. Pissing off my mother makes my life difficult in many ways. She is the one I call if I need someone to be here for the kids if I need to go somewhere or do something. She is the one who will go shopping with me if I don't want to go alone. If I have to take the kids out during the day for some reason, she is the one who will go along and help me field them. She is the one who when she stays for Sunday School, will bring my kids home afterward so I don't have to hang about an extra hour waiting for them. Do we always get along or see eye to eye? No. It's a relationship, so there is give and take. This is, unfortunately, one of those times I have to give despite the fact that there is nothing I'd rather do than to selfishly do exactly what I want to do.
When parents get older, one has to be careful about how they leave things as well because I do not want to go through some "We're not speaking" thing and then have something happen to one of them during that time (this goes for my mother as well as for in laws). There is also that factor of when they get older, they tend to become at times a little more one way and I can either enter into many pissing matches with them or I can just accept this about them and move on. I chose to accept and move on because I prefer to not have the contention or the stress in my life of having a family member pissed off at me.
This is the way I generally chose to handle all parents in my life, because one day I'm going to be the elderly mother who may want my children to do certain things at certain times, and not necessarily because I have a right to do that but because I am old and sometimes cantankerous and want my own way because I may not have that many days left on this earth.
So for now, I chose the path of least resistance because I am going with what I feel like dealing with as it will ultimately fall on me. So, I'd rather have the parental party happy than to endure days or weeks of being snubbed. Does it always make sense? No. But sometimes it is just the way it is.
Friday, August 17, 2007
So, we're back home and I'm loving on my cats and rejoicing over having my old, normal size computer back.
New Hope was okay. Peddler's Village would have been wonderful without kids and with a few girlfriends (I'm planning a girl's day out shopping for early November. Some of you may be receiving an email shortly). It was nice to get away, and at the same time good to be back home. There will be pictures soon.
I love to see new places; love observing new people and their ways of life. I can't begin to express how taken I was with the Amish way of life: Live simply, work hard and have a firm foundation in God. As we drove deeper into PA close to Philly, I was saddened to see the scenery change, to see the traffic increase and to no longer see horse pulled buggies as a way of transportation.
I was expecting to notice people being colder once we drew nearer to the city, but surprisingly enough, this morning, I was very much proven wrong. We were having breakfast at our Marriott in Trenton, NJ and a man was walking around talking to the kids with this bag full of beanie babies, asking the kids if they would take care of one of them for him. I have no idea how many of these he had, but there was not a child in sight who did not have one. I stopped one of the servers and explaining that I love to know the stories, asked her who the man was with the beanie babies. She explained that he was the general manager of the hotel and he often had little gifts for the children. It was something new, sadly out of context in today's world and heart warming.
Likewise, last night at dinner, an older gentleman stopped to chat with us and with the boys a couple of times and then gave the kids each a dollar for being so well behaved. Again, amazing. We wound up chatting about Lancaster and Sight and Sound and it was just nice to find people being so friendly.
I do think it's sad that it really isn't the norm anymore. I was reading an article in USA Today about a British guywho was making his way across America on $5 a day, so he had to rely on the kindness of strangers. He talked about where in the US people were the nicest and where they wouldn't give him the time of day. I'd like to see the show when it premiers.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
So, I haven't been blogging because I have actually been on vacation since Sunday. We spent almost three days in Amish Country, Lancaster, PA, taking in the local scenery, taking a bus tour, a pretzel factory tour, a buggy tour and some general sight seeing. The Amish countryside is lovely and peaceful and I'm not sure that the novelty of seeing horses and carriages would ever wear off for me.
Our hotel was not so nice. We stayed at a Howard Johnson's with an indoor waterpark. We were to have a queen bed and a pull out sofa for the kids. The kids actually had a pullout mini loveseat, which scarcely had enough room for them and our queen bed should have been called a queen bed of bricks. I was generally awake before dawn with my back killing me.
The waterpark was nice, but $10 a day per person, and it didn't matter if you swam or not. Though there were places to sit and even tables upstairs, you had to pay to enter. Stupid.
The kids have actually been pretty good albeit a little high strung. Overall though, it has been nice to get away. We left Lancaster this morning and are currently just inside New Jersey and tomorrow we explore New Hope, PA. It looked interesting on the internet and we were able to get reservations for two nights at a Marriott. Much nicer room, double the size of the last one, with two queen beds that actually give a bit when you sit down. Oh and free coffee in the lobby...mocha, yum.
Our Marriott stay began with a fire alarm going off while we were in the lobby having some warm drinks, when suddenly all the lights went out and this high pitched annoying alarm began to sound...it sounded for about ten minutes in total, but what was really interesting is that for the first five minutes of it, no one told us to do anything. Not get out, or stay calm or run for our lives. So we just sat there until some guy who just looked like a hotel guest (nothing setting him apart as a hotel employee). Apparently, it was just a power outage, though no one shared that information with us for about ten minutes. Glad it wasn't a bomb scare as there was no sense of urgency on the part of any employee.
What has really been interesting here in NJ is how different it feels after a couple of days in Lancaster. I miss the animals (sheep, goats, horses, cats...dang, I miss my cats!), and the rolling fields and the buggies and all the amish furniture stores. With kids, you don't get to shop much, but I did shop in passing as we drove by stores. Not quite the same, but you do get part of the local flavor.
I'll let you know how New Hope is! Hope everyone is well! We'll be home before the weekend!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Sometimes, I get caught between who I am and who I want to be in ways that people close to me are probably not aware of. Sure, I want to be slimmer, healthier, more patient, etc, but this has more to do with spirituality.
God is so incredibly important in my life, more so than I probably often talk about. The majority of things I read are either Christian fiction or Christian non-fiction as I am always working on trying to deepen that relationship between God and myself. At first glance, one would think that this is not a difficult thing to do, but in reality, in can be, because one first has to get past their own negative ability to be too self-conscious.
I never want to be known as fanatical in a negative way. Yes, I am crazy about Jesus, but I have also seen what can happen when people interpret things negatively or read into something, things that really aren't there. What I would prefer to possess is a quieter faith and a gentler way of sharing. There have been so many instances when I am with a friend who just needs help that only God can give her, when I have passed up the opportunity to say "Pray with me." or "Can I pray with you?"
I want to be the person who is comfortable saying those words and why is there even a reason to feel self conscious about saying them? Most of my friends are Christian, so to be prayed with, I think, would be something special, both for myself and the other person. I wouldn't think that those words would tag me as being fanatical in a bad way, but yet something always holds me back. I have walked away from hospital situations thinking, "I wish I had prayed with her/him." Yes, I can pray for that person or even tell that person that I'll be praying for them, but isn't it something spiritually special and reaffirming to pray together for that person? I don't think there should be any greater honor for me to pray aloud for someone who needs to feel God's presence. I just think it would be such a humbling experience.
The other connection I would love to one day become comfortable with is praying with the Brit. We don't pray together, other than at dinner time when one of the kids pray or in church with the rest of the congregation. Yet, individually as well as together, we are building things and should be praying together for what we are hoping to accomplish. Raising children, growing as a couple and as a family...we are all still learning in that one and we still have a ways to go. Though I pray for us, it's not the same as doing it together. Where two or more are gathered in His name...
Once the kids go back to school (less than two weeks now! Wheeee!) I plan on getting more into the Word. It's time and it's something I've been wanting to do. I often feel the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart and I'm going to start responding. I'm hoping that through that, I will come to find my courage and my voice in living that quiet faith that isn't afraid of judgment.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I have a very on again, off again relationship with the auction website of the internet. Basically, I'm either on ebay or not on ebay and it comes and goes in waves. I won't go near it for months and then a quest for something I would like to have, but at a way cheaper price, leads me back to its addictive pages once more. It's kind of like yard-sale shopping from the comfort of home.
Today, I spent about three hours looking at clothing and at purses...oh and at shoes and now I have about 11 items in my "watch this item" section. (I can see the Brit shuddering from here ) Now, I have no intention of purchasing or even trying to purchase all 11 items. There will be like one item in a category I like, and then there are three back up items in case I don't win the top contender. And I will only bid on the top contender if the price is not ridiculously high and the shipping is within reason. If I'm on ebay, I want a deal.
In the past, I have purchased clothing, X-Box games, angels, yarn and knitting needles, a leather backpack, books, cds, toys, and I'm not even sure what else and I can honestly say that I have never had a bad experience and the sellers have never had a bad experience with me (100% feedback average). I have no issue with used items in good condition, in fact, sometimes, I prefer it that way!
My wrist issue is a ganglion cyst and there is nothing that can be done about it right now. It will either go away or it will get bigger so the doctor can drain it with a needle. I vote for it going away, thank you.
My depression/mood issue, Paula believe is PMDD. We did a little internet research today and found this list of symptoms:
- over the course of a year, during most menstrual cycles, five or more of the following symptoms must be present:
- depressed mood ....Check
- anger or irritability ...Check
- difficulty in concentrating ....Check
- lack of interest in activities once enjoyed ...Yup
- moodiness ...just ask the Brit
- increased appetite ....not sure, but is is nice to have an excuse...
- insomnia or hypersomnia ....yes
- feeling overwhelmed or out of control ...overwhelmed, check
- other physical symptoms
symptoms that disturb social, occupational, or physical functioning
symptoms that are not related to, or exaggerated by, another medical condition
Basically, it's a hormonal thing that I plan on discussing with the doctor when I next visit...but it's nice to put a name to it.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Saturday, we had a birthday party for my youngest son, Aaron, who has just turned twelve and for a girl who likes to try to pull her hair out around children, I found that I had very little to fear from the little people. It was the parents that need to be avoided.
The day started out busy as I had a house to clean, a cake to pick up, food to get ready etc before everyone arrived at 4:00. Remember those neighbors that I've had bad feelings about? Well, I still had those bad feelings, especially after hearing that for some reason, he is going to jail for three months once his medical problems are sorted out, but anyway, I digress. About 9:30, Mr. Neighbor calls and asks if his five year old daughter, A, could come down and "help get ready for the party." Okay...she wasn't actually invited as Aaron is twelve and A is five, but whatever. I'll continue to be a good neighbor. Absolutely. Send her down.
The other thing about these people is that they call...often. So about six phone calls later, they are going out of town and can A stay with us and they will be back to pick her up around six. Sure. Whatever. If nothing else, she gave JJ something to do as they went outside to swim (the child is a fish....amazing in water).
The children began arriving...Mandy and her clan and my mother, and Robyn and Aaron's friend from school, Jonathan. Now, Aaron had also invited two children he had met that week in Good News Club camp, who were the last to arrive...with their mother.....who planned on staying the whole three hours. She reminded me of a mennonite woman without the little hat as she had on a long dress and her blond hair was pulled back in a bun. I had no issue with that...until she proceeded to police her children...and eventually, the rest of the children.
This mom was big on what she called "first time obedience", meaning if you tell a child something once, that should be the only time you have to tell them. Yeah, okay. She obviously doesn't live in my world of "Fifth time begrudging acceptance or be grounded." She was constantly hollering out the back door at her two children for one thing or another (usually, they were just being kids), putting them in time out, etc (for not living by that first time obedience rule). She also had a fascination of taking pictures of Aaron, wanting him to pose different ways with his cake....she had never met him before that day, I don't think. She was very overbearing.
By the time we were gathering all the children to sing Happy Birthday, poor Jonathan was standing in the kitchen playing Aaron's new Play station Portable while waiting for everyone to arrive for the blowing of the candles. This mom looked at him and said, "You're playing a game in front of guests?" Unable to take anymore, I looked at her and said, "He doesn't live here." Big time relief when she went home. I should have ordered her home sooner, thus testing the theory of does first time obedience being at the top of the family food chain.
Now, part two of this story, was little A. The six 'o clock pick up time, turned into about 8:30 and I was more than ready for her to go. She's cute and all, but wants to tattle on my kids for every little thing she doesn't deem as right, like she lives here or something. But finally, Mr. Neighbor came down to get her, chatted for a few minutes and took her home. There was no "thank you" that I can recall, but I really didn't care.
About fifteen minutes later, Mandy was getting ready to leave with her crew, when the phone rang. Rolling my eyes, I saw that it was Mr. Neighbor, calling for the seventh time today. Answering it, he asked if he could talk to JJ for a moment and I didn't think anything of it as the man is always losing things and wanting to know if my kids have seen the missing items, which they never have as it is usually a situation where little A has walked off with it. I handed JJ the phone as I chatted with Mandy, and then we heard JJ saying "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...."
When he hung up, he was in tears and he explained that he had dunked A and apparently, Mr. Neighbor called up here to give him the dickens about it. Now, please remember a similar story at Christmas and how I feel about such things. Dang it, you do not bypass the parent to scold someone else's child! JJ did admit to dunking her....at like 3:00 that afternoon and Miss Tattletale, who tells me everything didn't think enough of it to tell me, but she did tell her parents SIX HOURS LATER.
Let me state my views on this very plainly, so no one is confused. If you are watching my child and he does something wrong, I expect you to handle it. However, if someone else is watching your child and you were not even in the near vicinity of that child, you do not go out of your way to scold my child for something your child told you! You come to me and let me handle it. Why do people not get this? It's not exactly rocket science. It's common sense!
So, the Brit called up to the neighbors and had a few words with them and it looks like maybe they won't be calling me quite so much anymore. Heh. Doesn't really bother me as I'm not crazy about talking on the phone to people I barely know anyway.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Paula told me a year ago that once you hit 40, stuff started to go wrong. Well, my 40th year was no big deal...no major injuries or any surgeries. In fact nothing really went wrong at all, so I figured that maybe Paula just had a pinch of bad luck and that not every 40 year old was destined to have stuff fall apart.
Enter age 41.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended the Women of Faith conference as I mentioned in a previous post. Something you should probably know about me....I am a bit of klutz...well, a lot of a klutz. If there is a way for me to trip over my own feet, I will find a way to do it...I can probably even manage it while lying down, that is how good I am.
Robyn and I elected to go swimming in the hotel indoor pool the Friday night in DC after the conference. So, I donned a swimsuit and a towel and as I am so not about the shoes, I headed to the elevator to go to the 4th floor where the pool was located. We arrived there at 10:00 and were informed that the pool closes at 10:30, but hey, we had thirty minutes and we enjoyed our swim.
We dried off as best we could and headed back to the elevator at 10:30, hit the button for the 12th floor and chatted on our way up.
Did I mention the elevator floors were marble?
Did I mention we were both dripping water?
The elevator stopped on our floor (thankfully we were the only people in the elevator!) and as I went to move...well, remember those cartoons from your childhood when someone is slipping on something and the sound effects dude makes that sound of feet struggling to get their footing on a slippery surface? Yeah, well, that's what happened.
I ended up on the floor, slamming my not so good knee on the marble floor, where I proceeded to mumble some rather un-christian like words fitting for a girl at a Women of Faith conference. As I put my hand on the floor to get back up, my hand ended up in another puddle of water and again, my hand slipped, jamming my thumb back in a way that did not feel natural.
But I survived and though a bit sore the next day, especially my thumb, the rest of the weekend was uneventful.
Now, let me digress a moment.
A week later, I was in a little accident that threw me forward into the steering wheel where I sustained some pretty colorful bruises along my cleavage line. We're talking purple and they seemed to worsten a little each day. A few days after the incident, I found a lump in my breast right near the bruising and it was rather large. I felt/feel certain that this is a result of my injury and in doing a little internet research I found this:
Injury -- sometimes if your breast is badly bruised, there will be a collection of blood that feels like a lump. These tend to resolve on their own in a matter of days or weeks. If not, the blood may have to be drained by your doctor.
So, I have that going on still. Then yesterday, the Brit grabbed hold of my wrist in the car and it hurt. Reaching over to rub it, I noticed what felt to be a piece of bone beneath the skin that is not supposed to be there. It's like a hard bump on the side of my wrist and it is definately tender. Did I splinter something in DC that I didn't know about? I'd like to think that this bump has not been there the last three weeks since we've come home or I'd of noticed it sooner as it's one of those things where once you know it is there, you don't forget it is there. I'm feeling the stupid thing every couple of minutes (which is way better than feeling the other lump every couple of minutes as people might start to talk.). So, I see the doctor on Monday about my wrist but as this is not my normal female doctor, I don't know if I want to address the other lump too. It just makes sense right? I mean, I bruised things up, and then this thing appears and it's big. I would think a lump of great concern would start out small.
Ugh. Do not turn 41.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I'm trying to get my groove back.
It's been a long two and a half weeks but the mood as finally passed once Aunt Flo visited. So apparently, my issues have been strictly hormonal, which is both good and bad. Good in the fact that I know what was causing it and bad because I need to find a way to not go through this every month. Getting older is so much fun.
But with the passing of the mood, I'm working at finding my place again. It was terrible to go for so long just not caring...about much of anything. I didn't internet surf, write, blog (obviously) or get together much with friends and when I did, I was forcing myself to be cheerful and it was taking every bit of energy I had. The only thing I really did was read and sleep because they both served as an escape from all the wackiness I was feeling. But now I'm trying to get over my writer's block, trying to catch up on some house stuff that I let slide when I couldn't deal with anything and just overall working on functioning again.
God and I talked a lot during those two and a half weeks and he always let me know he was at my side. As Shell told me one night when I talked to her, "You're supposed to be going through this right now for some reason." and I always believe that. I always know that God knows right where I am and that I am right where I am supposed to be, even if I cannot begin to understand the reason. But even when despair and misery seems to be surrounding me, it's nice to be reminded that I am so not alone and that even though I don't get what is wrong with me, God knows.
The Brit is also on his hopefully last leg of travel for awhile...at least without the rest of us. In a matter of about five weeks, he has spent three weeks in Canada and half a week in New York and I have discovered that I miss him when this happens. What I mean by that, is that I am the girl who was single until I was in my early thirties and very much independent. Way independent. I never figured I'd ever need anyone. Apparently, I was wrong.
We're waffling about what to do for vacation the week after next. We've changed our minds so many times now. We're thinking maybe Lancaster, PA for a few days with the kids for a visit to Amish country. Lancaster has lots to offer, both in fun and in educational value. I'd also love to see the ocean, but I don't know if we can fit that into our schedule. I haven't seen it in two years and it is my single most favorite of all of God's creation. It touches every one of my senses and I could just sit and watch it for hours. I'm not sure of how anyone can look out at the beauty and vastness of the ocean and think that it was always there or that there is a big bang theory. It's simply too breathtaking, too amazing and too peaceful. There is no way that the ocean was anything less than part of a plan.