Saturday, February 28, 2009

Love it when I'm right

So yes, I definitely turned the corner today and am feeling much better.  Still taking my pain meds on schedule, especially due to the pain of yesterday without them, but starting Monday morning, I have to go without them during the day anyway.  But by then, I should be pretty good and only need them at night to help me sleep comfortably.  I miss sleeping on my side (Tried again this afternoon, but still way not comfortable even with the meds), but the pain pills allow me to sleep on my back.

Along with my turning the corner today, I have had the worst case of spring fever ever.  I am longing to get outside to bike ride, garden, clean out my shed, keep a chair in the back of my car to stop at the park on my way home from work to read, etc.   I would also love to try my hand at hiking and there are still those horseback riding lessons to consider.

We are also planning our vacation for this summer to be to California, which excites me to no end.  We are talking about flying into San Francisco, and I have never been there, and then driving the coast to San Diego, where my brother and his family lives.  I have not been home in so long and I am just really excited about this trip.  It would also be a long vacation for us; probably two weeks. It would also include plenty of ocean, which is one of my favorite things and lots of great stuff to photograph.

I just think this summer is going to be one of the best in my life.  Last summer, I was just beginning to lose weight after my surgery, but now I am a completely different person physically and a bit mentally as well (just ask my mom ).  I am able to do more and my confidence is so much better.  Summertime is also puts me in my element; warmth, so I'm just really looking forward to doing and feeling some things I never have before.

Does that make any sense?

Friday, February 27, 2009

Big Plans for Tomorrow

When I had my RNY surgery, I mentioned that I stayed in the hospital for four nights.  When we were driving home after that surgery, I remarked to The Brit that were it not for being in Baltimore, I would have never known I'd had surgery four days ago, because I felt so good.

Tomorrow will be the magical four days since surgery, so I'm hoping the same formula works this time too.  I'm ready to start feeling more like myself.  I did have two little outings today; the first one was stopping in at the church to copy some stuff to my flash drive to work a bit from home.  So, my driving meant no pain meds this morning.  At least I got a real solid idea of how my body was really feeling while it wasn't being disguised by percocet.  Ouch.  Not unbearable, but getting in and out of the car pretty much sucked.

Late this afternoon, we did the whole Walmart ordeal and as The Brit went too, pain meds were included thankfully.  He's been very sweet and very protective.  Would not even let me carry in any groceries, not even the light bags.  Hey, I'll take it while it's being offered!  

My belly is still a bit distended on the left side but there is noticeable improvement since coming home.  I still look really swollen all through my belly, which sucks, but I know it will go away soon.  I am actually missing the YMCA and am eager to get back!  I have a goal of getting down below 200 pounds before the mission trip!

My pee problem is fairly squared away and tonight is my last dosage of the two medicines, so hopefully by tomorrow night, I won't be seeing bright orange.

Thank you all for the encouraging comments.  They mean so much.  And Leisl, thank you for the card; that was very sweet! 

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Crawling My Way Back

Recovery is a slow process.

I feel better today; still some pain and soreness, but the percocet is keeping it in check, though it makes me loopy as hell.  The urinary tract infection is also better, though the one pill that keeps me from feeling that horrible pressure to go, makes things turn bright orange, if you know what I mean.  A bit disconcerting.

I nested today.  Vacuumed ( as if you had to ask) and slow cooked dinner in the crock pot.  Took a nap, watched television and read.  And somehow I am now exhausted but have to wait until 11:00 to be able to take my pain meds.  I could try to sleep without them but I am not a back sleeper; I always fall asleep on my right side and that is out of the question right now.  So in order to assure sleep, drugs are in order to keep things comfortable.

Bloggy friends, I have not really been at the computer today other than now and to check email earlier.  I will get caught up on my reading soon.

We were going to go to Lancaster tomorrow for wine (my favorite wine comes from there and I'm out) but we're going to put it off a week.  I need to do some walking around Walmart tomorrow for some groceries and I'm pretty sure that is going to kick my butt.  I would enjoy the trip much more in a week, I think.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Glad to be home but still not happy

My hospital time this time was awful.  Apparenty either being in the hospital or being under anethesia makes me have major meltdowns.

Got out of surgery and didn't feel too bad.  Sore, but still pretty much out of it.  The Brit stayed till 8:00, then I watched TBL and after that, I decided to go walk.  Apparently, I had till midnight to pee and no peeing had been happening.  I had a cathetar for my surgery which was removed immediately after at 4:30.  If I didn't pee by midnight, they would have to put a cathetar in while I was awake and of course, the thought of it freaked me out. 

I walked and walked and drank and drank and though the pressure was there to go, I just couldn't.  At 11:45 I had a total meltdown out of fear, exhaustion and hunger.  Earlier, my dinner consisted of chicken broth, full sugar jello and full sugar ice cream.  Yeah.  I drank the broth and left the rest.  So, one of the very kind nurses, sonogramed my bladder as I bordered on hysterics and she was able to talk the doctor into giving me to 1:30am to pee.  So more walking and walking and drinking and drinking and I was so damn tired, I was almost ready to just tell them to do the cathater so I could sleep.  But finally at 1:15 I produced and was able to go to bed. 

I slept off and on from 1:30am till 4:00am and then was up.  A nurse came into to tend to my roomate and decided that switching on all the lights at 4:00 was a jolly good idea.  No more sleeping for me though my roomie had no problems going back to sleep.

From 4:00 on, all I wanted was breakfast.  I had explained to my night nurse that the full sugar stuff I couldn't have and she promised to sort it out for me.  When breakfast finally came at 8:30, I had another meltdown, this one I blame on lack of sleep.  Really, I am not a cry baby; I hardly ever cry, but something about hospitals bring out the big ole baby in me.  They had brought me vanilla yogurt (I love every single other kind but vanilla.  Cannot hack vanilla) and a freaking protein mix and milk and ya'll know how I feel about protein drinks.  I didn't touch any of it.

The discharge nurse came to see me around 9:30 and was alarmed that I hadn't eaten, so I explained to her what had happened last night and what had happened this morning.  She was completely annoyed because my night nurse had put me in for a meal equivilent for a brand new RNY patient.  No, no, no.  So she got me some cereal and a lemon yogurt and I felt much better.

However, on the hour and a half drive home, I had to make The Brit stop three times for me to pee, as the pressure on my bladder was unbearable.  I was actually getting alarmed and it didn't improve at home either.  I took a three hour nap and had to get up twice to pee and when I'm awake, the pressure builds about every twenty minutes.  I called the resident on call and she believes I have a urinary infection caused by the cathater, so she has called me in two more meds to go with my percocet.  Ugh!

My stomach looks awful and creepy.  Five incisions, and the left side of my tummy is oddly distended, which they said was normal but it creeps me out to look at it.

I'm in pain and I have to pee.  This feels worse than the RNY for me but I think that is because I was in the hospital for four nights with my RNY, so by the time I came home, I felt pretty good.  Not feeling so swift this time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

All is well

Staying the night at hopkins but surgery went well. A little sore and
very sleepy. Would give my right arm for coffee but they won't let me
have any. Thanks for the prayers and more tomorrow once I'm home

Musical Theater in the Blood!

Last night, JJ was up in his room doing homework and he has to write his spelling words ten times each.  He has been up there forever, but sometimes he is slower and sometimes faster about getting it done.

Finally at about 8:15, he comes downstairs in tears.

Me:  What's wrong, dude?

JJ: (sniffling) I have five more words to do but *sob* I can't get them done because I can't stop singing!

I'm telling ya'll, he and I will one day do a show together.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I need to learn that I cannot be responsible for what anyone else does.  I don't have to like it, it might make me feel about half sick when I fear old habits are resurfacing, but I have to accept that it is not my issue. 

Sometimes opening one's mouth to say something can be worse than just letting things go as they are.  It sucks and I hate it but sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves.  Keep reminding me of this, ok?  I'm praying every day that things will turn around soon and I'll see improvement.  Yeah, I know this is cryptic, but it needs to be.

I have to be in Baltimore tomorrow morning at 11:10 and my surgery is scheduled between 2:10-4:15.  I'll post a note on Facebook for Friends only with The Brit's cell number for anyone who wants to check in, but wait until at least 5:30 to call, I'd say.  One of us will also be updating the blog.  I don't foresee any issues, but ya'll know that going under anesthesia is always a risk.

Say a little prayer for me if you will!  I'll see you on the other side of Tuesday!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

One Day More

We're down to the wire now and the gall bladder will soon be gone.  I so cannot wait!  I am looking for this to be an easy surgery and am planning on being back to work on Thursday.  Hope I am not overshooting but I don't think I am.  I just want to wake up from surgery and try to burp and not be able to!  That would be awesome!

Went to see "The Reader" today.  Great movie.  So much better than "Revolutionary Road" which in my opinion lacked in story, though it was very well acted.  I just think the book was probably very weak in substance and I don't think it made a very good film.

That's actually it for today.  I have a houseful of kids as each kid has a friend over, so things are kind of hopping here.  I'm planning to watch the Oscars tonight, so I wanted to get the blogging finished.  I also need to remember to ask The Brit to blog for me Tuesday night or if he is going to bring his laptop to the hospital so I can do it!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Passion

I have been rediscovering my love of books lately.

I'm not a deep reader.  I have kids, so anything too complicated is out of the question.  If a book is complex enough that I need to take notes in order to not lose track of what is going on while being interrupted fifty-eleven times by kids, then it is of no use to me.  I don't want to have to overly concentrate; I want to be taken away for awhile.  Kind of like Calgon without having to get wet.

I also hate historical anything. A story has to take place pretty darn close to my here and now, or at least in a time period within my lifetime.  If the heroines are wearing dresses and talking weird, you lose my interest.  I just can't relate.  I know many a reader loves to be transported back in time, I'm just not one of them.

So a week ago, I finished this:

I read the first book a year or so ago which was simply titled "The Friday Night Knitting Club" and I love how Kate Jacobs evolves her characters.  You don't have to be a knitter to enjoy these books; they are more about relationships among women; with each other and with themselves.

My next most recent obssession almost makes me laugh.  Books that are popular among the teenage female and apparently, many adult females.  My friend, Mandy, was raving about these books to me several weeks ago, but I kind of smiled politely and went on my way.  Then PK, in my youth group, was also singing their praises, but as I had heard the books were more for teenage girls, I was just pleased, as I always am, when young folks are enjoying reading.  I mean, I'll take a good book over a movie any day of the week. 

Then last week, I kind of sat up and took interest when my friend Shelley told me she was reading this series.  I told her I had it on hold at the library (curiosity was getting the best of me) and she informed me I would not be able to put it down.

She was right.

I checked it out of the library a week ago and read the first chapter.  I was slightly intrigued but not impressed.  I did not pick it up again until Thursday night and then I had trouble prying myself out of it to even go to bed that night.  Friday, all I could think of was getting off work and being able to go home and devour more of "Twilight" and that's what happened, until I finished it about 1:30 Saturday morning.  Great read.  Probably more for females than guys, but if you are a romantic, you'll love them.  I admit to having had vampire fetishes in the past.  I was a huge fan of Anne Rice's Vampire series, so Stephenie Meyer is right up my alley.  A chivalrous vampire.  Perfect.

I had to go purchase book two today when I found myself mourning the loss of finishing the first book.  I've already started "New Moon" though I don't want to read it so fast as I want to be able to take it to the hospital with me Tuesday. 

Only two more days until my burper is removed.  So very excited!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Info and Q&A

We met with Aaron's new therapist yesterday afternoon and I have to say we were pretty doggone impressed.  He was very open, very interested and offered thoughts and ideas on how we could start trying to draw him out a bit more with just normal day to day stuff.  I think that sometimes we are just so frustrated with him that our minds cease to stop thinking about being creative with this kid. 

Obviously, Aaron's background has a lot to do with how he is, but we, or at least I, also learned more about how is ADHD impacts him.  I used to describe him to his previous therapist as an "in the moment" kid.  What I learned yesterday is that this is true of ADHD kids in general, not just Aaron.  With an ADHD child, there is no moment more important to them than the one they are in RIGHT NOW.  They don't want to be interrupted from that moment for anything they need to do, such as showering, or chores or picking up after themselves.  You have no idea how helpful this was to know.  It all has to do with how the ADHD brain functions.  As he is always "in the moment" he is not thinking of the consequences of what he might be doing, which is where the challenge really comes into play.  I think I will be doing a bit more research on this little tidbit later.

Aaron meets with him next Friday and the challenge there will be to see if the doc can bond with him.  I don't think this is going to be a problem and this man is very engaging.  I'll keep you posted.

Only one question this week, from Susan, who had RNY a couple of months ago and is doing GREAT!  At my last update from her, she is down 53 pounds and that was at her three month follow up!

She asked: Where would you be now if you had not had bypass surgery a year ago?

My guess would be that I would be at 315 pounds, maybe more or maybe a little less.  I would be dealing with the same struggles I dealt with for 41 years.  I would be constantly beginning yet another diet/exercise program in the hopes that this one would succeed, only to have it fail once more.  I almost shudder to think of still being at that weight.  Only now, knowing what I do now, knowing how I feel now, do I realize how unhappy I was prior to last April.  Not that life in general was bad; I have a wonderful husband, incredible friends, good kids (usually ) and a fairly comfortable life.  But my opinion of myself, my limitation, the way strangers perceived me; it was all horrible.  Seems that only once you are able to do certain things do you truly realize what it was you missed.

There are times when I know I could easily get caught up in sadness for not doing the surgery sooner, but I have always tried to live my life with my motto of "no regrets".  Who I was then has helped to make me who I am now.  I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am so much happier in my own skin.  Comfortable.  Not where I want to be yet, but not giving up on getting there.  Just delayed a little bit due to the gall bladder thing and this week, the foot thing (which is getting better.  Finally, it looks worse than it feels.  Deep bruising along the side of my foot and still near my toes.  Looks wicked, but I'm walking in much less pain now).  Once my surgery is finished, my foot should be healed and then it is time to climb back on the wagon and get down to business once again. 

So though where I came from isn't all bad, it certainly wasn't as good as it is now.  I like the person I am becoming; one who doesn't feel like just because she is fat that she has to be a doormat for others.  I used to constantly think that every time someone treated me badly it was because of my weight.  Now I can see that sometimes someone may have a point or on the other hand, maybe the issue is theirs and not mine.  Before, in my mind, it was always my fault, because I was obese.  I just learned to accept it; that maybe I wasn't worthy of good things because of my extra pounds.  When WLS finally allows you to really start taking care of yourself (I mean, if you've never tried working out at 315 pounds, then trust me when I say, it is something easier avoided.  There is a greater fear of injury, heart attack, and we won't even discuss ridicule.  Then at 315 pounds, the energy is just not there.  A small amount of time working out feels like you have just run a marathon), you realize how great it feels to do it.  Working out makes my body and my mind feel good, so it made me realize that it was so worth it for me to do it.  That *I* was worth doing it. 

That's it for this week.  Send in the questions, kids!  It gives me something to write about on Fridays and it makes me feel like I am giving back for the nosiness I give to all of you on your blogs.  Or am I just the nosiest person I know?

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Tomorrow is Q&A Friday, ya'll and so far, I got nuttin'!  Be nosy.  Ask anything.  There is nothing shy about me.

Total Addict

I have apparently become addicted to all shows, articles, news briefs, etc on weight loss. 

Can't seem to stop watching The Biggest Loser, even the old ones on FLN (I think that is the channel.  F something anyway).  I watch these things and I cry and get angry at the people who are more interested in playing the game than getting healthy.  I know it's a game, but the health part of it is so much more important and despite it being a game, they are teaching these contestants how to eat better and exercise.  As Jillian Michaels (my girl crush. I love her.  I'll take her over Bob any day of the week, though I do like him too.  I just love the way she works to get the heart of each person's issues with food, weight, etc) said on an episode, TBL is like the Olympics of weight loss.  How fast they can do it so someone can win.  But they also have contestants work at home, to show that it can be done without being on the ranch. 

Dr. Phil was finally back yesterday with his Ultimate Weight Loss Solution/Race and we got to check in with those folks.  The game is much like TBL, even with eliminations, but I am just cheering on all these people, so wanting them to succeed.

On the flip side of that, and I wish I had the article with me, I got my new issue of "Health" magazine yesterday and one reader wrote in about how she had been considering gastric bypass surgery and then she read an article in the magazine about how some woman lost over 100 pounds by diet and exercise, so now the writer was going to focus on losing weight "the right way" instead of the "quick fix".  Nice. 

I just don't get people like that.  Is there only one "right" way to quit smoking, or drinking?  I am all for someone being able to lose weight by diet and exercise alone, but does that work for every single person?  If there was only one "right" way to do anything, then the world would be monotonous and many more people would be out of jobs.

It's like telling an anorexic or bulimic to "just eat" or "don't barf". Ah, if only it were that simple for those people!  But each individual is as complex as each disorder or addiction and what might work for one will not work for another.  If diets and exercise alone worked for many of us, I would not have spent half my life at the size I was!  Believe me, I dieted and exercised my way to 315 pounds.  Of course, the judgers would simply say I was doing it wrong, because they are unable to see past what works for them. 

I get so angry and frustrated with intolerance over anything.  As an obese person, I was faced with daily intolerance because of my size.  I could go to a gym and hear snide remarks being made behind my back, though there I was trying to do something about my size and still to those that judge, that wasn't good enough.  Then when we take control of our lives, doing what works for us, we are faced with a whole 'nother level of judgment.  We didn't do it "right".  What gives any other human being the right to decide that for anyone else?  Have they walked in my shoes or led my life?  Have they made my attempts for me?  Do they know that I cheated or gave up or didn't give it my all?  Of course they don't because they don't know me.  They just read that we had RNY and they immediately turn their noses up and condemn us for not doing things the "right way". 

They don't have that right.  They think they do, but they don't.  I have no shame for what I did.  People battling weight issues at 25, 50, 100 or 400 pounds overweight should hold no shame.  Obesity is a disease and in my opinion it is the only disease that still has zero tolerance in the public eye.  The obese population are targets to so many people; to make fun of, to scoff, to whisper about.  How do those things motivate anyone?  How do those things show compassion or even sympathy? 

The problem is that obese people are easily spotted in public.  If you are a drug addict, or an alcoholic, you can hide that to an extent, but obesity you cannot disguise.  It is there for all the world to see and to apparently comment upon as there are people who feel it is their right.  Problem is, when the walking obese hear the comments and the intolerance, so many of them turn back to their constant friend, the one who doesn't judge them.  Food.  So those doing the mocking are contributing to the disease in my opinion.  Even many people who don't have weight issues, turn to food for comfort, so why would it be any different for those struggling with their weight?

Wake up, people!  Yes, there is an obesity problem in this country, but stop contributing to it by your constant judgments.  When you are the one battling something do you want people to condemn you?  Of course you don't; no one does.  It's completely inhumane.

So though TBL may indeed by the "olympics of weight loss" it works for some people (see me trying to tie these thoughts in together?  I went off on a tangent and now am trying to work out how I got from point A to point B!).  Isn't that what really matters?  That each individual takes control and does what works best for them?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Damages

Please ignore my skanky big toe, as pedicures in Maryland in winter are just pointless.  But note the swelling and the lovely bruising around the toes.  Someone please teach me how to walk!

My Apologies

I know, I know, I have been doing a buttload of complaining on this blog of late.  I don't mean to; things have just been so freakin' weird! 

I decided today that nothing makes me feel more like my inner obese girl than limping around because I have managed, once again, to be a klutz.  My foot is a bit better today; swelling down some, still black and blue around my toes, but not quite as painful as yesterday.  But I am still walking slow and with a limp.  I also have to go down stairs one at a time which really bothers me now.  102 pounds ago, I used to do that because of my horrible knees as they protested about having to carry 315 pounds down steps, but now, I pretty much dash down them, unless of course, I decide to be a klutz.  I like being able to happily trot down steps like a normal person.

It's just amazing how something so minor can make me feel like that 315 pound girl again.  No matter how I try to forget her, some things just bring her back to the forefront of my mind.

So, I really need to get off the computer and go ice my foot some more.  The steps are calling my name!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


It has not been a good day.

Day began with Eldest Child going to school, walking right into the nurses office, do not pass class, do not collect $200, to say he wanted to go home.  The purpose of the bus ride in?  No idea in hell.  So, after speaking with him and explaining to him that I could not leave him home alone and I could not NOT go to work with an impending surgery next week, I got ready for work and to go pick him up.  While I was doing my hair, The Brit's cat decided to piss on the bath mat right in front of me.  This cat rarely ever does this, but sometimes he just gets a wild hair or something.  So, up comes the mat and down to the wash it goes.

Went and picked up Eldest Child (who I had already scheduled a 11:15 doctor's appt for btw) and went to the church with him.  On going outside to throw a box in the dumpster, I forgot how to walk and twisted my foot in my clog and went down.  So right knee, very sore, but left foot on the top?  Totally swollen and black and blue, but I can walk on it and move my toes pain free, (walking is NOT pain free, it hurts like hell) so I don't think it is broken.

Also spoke to TN about this thing with the Eldest Child and the wife told me that she thought Eldest Child had pnemonia (thus explaining for me anyway why he thought he was dying today).  I explained that though I was not upset that he had stayed with them, I was upset that no one called us to let us know.  She stated "Well, we assumed you were going to call the grandmother to check on the kids and you would have found out then."  Excuse me?  We were gone one night and when the kids are with the grandparents, we don't worry about them.  So now she is trying to make us look like bad parents.  Unbelievable.  I told Eldest Child that I don't want him up there again, which means we need a different plan for the day of my surgery in case I have to stay the night.  The Brit was talking about getting a hotel down there and Shell was going to intercept the kids for us after school and then TN were going to take them for the night, but hell, if TN take them for the night, who knows where the kids could end up!

Then took the Eldest Child to the doctor and basically, he has a cold; no pnemonia, no strept throat.  Just a cold.  I know he doesn't feel good but what it is about the male of the species and illness (sorry, Brit, stop reading now)?  I had the same cold and went to DC for the day.  This kid has been wandering around looking like the walking dead.  Then again, I am also totally frustrated with him right now.

Tomorrow, I am praying he is going to go to school and stay there.  I have my pre-op testing doc appt at 9:20 and one of the cats has shots at 1:00 (which I may cancel as I really need to limp to the grocery store on my bad foot).  Of course, until I can walk, the gym is out.

It has just been a red letter day all the way around!

Monday, February 16, 2009


The Background....

Last week, the oldest child went up out to supposedly sell stuff for a school fundraiser.  He is currently not permitted to be at The Neighbors (TN) house until his grades come up because he goes up there and spends hours playing video games.  So, when he went out to "sell stuff" he not only went to TN, but also went with TN to the carwash to have his car washed and never called to ask me if he could.  I found out because when Little Brother came home, I asked him where his brother was and he told me.

So when Oldest Child came home, I was upset and explained to him why he had to ask me such things, ie, if there was an emergency and I needed to reach him, I needed to know where he was.  He admitted that he didn't call me because he was afraid I'd of said that he couldn't go.

So now....

We left for Atlantic City on Sunday.  TH offered to let the boys hang with them until the kid's grandma got here at 1:30 (we left about 11:45), so we could hit the road. 

We got home tonight, and The Brit had to go to a church council meeting.  The kids were not due back from grandma's until about 8:30, but at 8:00, I got a text message from the Oldest Child (he doesn't have a cell phone so I was very confused) and a few minutes later the phone rang and it was the TN asking if we were home.

So it seems the Oldest Child never went to grandma's but stayed with TN while we were away.  According to grandma, TN talked to her and told her the Oldest Child had a cold and wasn't feeling well (he did have a cold) and he would bring the Oldest Child to her house when he felt better, but they never showed up.

So what....

Now I'm not sure of what to do.  The Brit and I were furious with the Oldest Child for not calling us to ask if this was okay, as both kids were supposed to be at grandma's and we come to find out that is not what happened.  Oldest Child should have calle us, especially in light of the similar situation last week.  TN should have some responsibility as well, but maybe they thought they were doing a good thing.  Yes, the Oldest Child was perfectly safe with TN; we just should have been informed of what was going on.  Our thought is that the kid didn't call us as he thought we would say no, that he couldn't stay with TN.  Yet it was TN who talked to grandma and not the kid.

So what do we do?  Is the Oldest Child totally at fault?  He's such a master manipulator and as Dr. Phil would say, you know he is lying if his lips are moving.  Is this normal teenage stuff or is it just the crazy magic we've been dealing with regarding this kid for 5 years?  How should we handle it?  Right now he is grounded for the unforseeable future, but long term, that is not going to work.

We meet with the therapist on Thursday, thank God!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Silver Lining on a Grey Day

Every have one of those days that though it is not actually bad, it just stinks?  Like it's a weekend and you're bored out of your tree and there is nothing to do, and you have a sick kid, so you are stuck at home doing laundry and waiting on people?  Or is that just me today?

Anyway, Saturday was one of those days.  Ugly outside, people sick or cranky inside.  I was bored and just kind of pacing from one room to another looking for something to occupy myself so I wouldn't boredom eat.  Hard to clean with people home in front of a television and all.  So, I grabbed a jacket and my ipod and headed out the door for the mile walk around the park...and dang it was cold!  And it started snowing when I was halfway around the park which is even more depressing considering it was nearly 70 degrees last Monday (Have I mentioned how I hate this time of you?  Have I mentioned that I have spring fever in the worst way and it is only mid-February?  I swear when warm weather hits, I am never staying inside again!).  But I finished my walk, came home, started defrosting soup for dinner and started a pot of coffee before checking my email.

Now ya'll know I have a facebook addiction, so when I checked my email, I had a new message from Gina, one of my friends I grew up with in California.  Gina has a way better memory than I do and she recalled something from the 4th grade.  In 4th grade, we had a teacher that I remember being rather afraid of most of the time, though she never did anything to me personally.  It was the seventies and private Lutheran school, so kids who didn't do homework, got the ruler across their tail end by Miss W.  She was probably the most strict teacher I've ever had.  Anyway, Gina's message said the following:

"Okay, major flashback. I saw Miss W smile once. She told a fable about a woman who could choose between two gifts.  One was a big box and it was beautifully wrapped and the other was a tiny box. She chose the big box and it was a vacuum or something lame like that and missed out on the little diamond ring in the little box. So, she was VERY disappointed with the gift. Miss W. asked the class what's the moral of the story?  Good things come in small packages, right? No, you raised your hand and said, "Don't give a woman work!"  It was very funny, even in 4th grade."

So far (it is Saturday now though you all won't read this till Sunday because we are going on a mini overnight adventure tomorrow and I wanted to get my blogging done) it has been the highlight of Valentine's Day.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

14 Reasons Why I Love The Brit

1. I love that after ten and a half years of marriage he still walks in the door with flowers often.

2. I love that he isn't afraid to be silly and he can make me laugh like anything.

3. I love that he supports me in anything I want to do, from schooling to theater to WLS.

4. I love that he loves to try to make my dreams come true.

5. I love that he isn't afraid to be vulnerable.

6. I love it when I wake him up on Sunday morning by using my hand as a "spider" walking up his arm, he sleepily waves it off again and again until he startles awake.  I laugh every time...and he has the same reaction every time.

7. I love that sometimes he calls me during the day just to see how my day is going.

8. He gives fabulous back scratches.

9. I love the way he always tells me how sexy I am...even when I don't feel sexy in the least.

10. I love that everyone in my family thinks he is the smartest person they know.

11. I love the way he holds my hand when we are walking together, or when he wakes up in the morning and I am still sleeping.  It's so sweet and always makes me feel cherished.

12. I love that he tolerates and secretly enjoys my obsession with pets, especially cats.

13. I love that he came 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to meet me...and then stayed.

14.  I love that I can totally see myself growing old with him.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ya'll!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Q&A Friday

First bit of information is that my gall bladder surgery is finally scheduled for February 24th!  I am insanely happy about this surgery because I am so incredibly sick of the whole burping thing which has been progressively getting worse!

Anyway, onto questions.  Jil asked about one of my favorite things, so I'll do those first as the answers are way easier! LOL!

She asked:  "You haven't mentioned the theater in awhile...are you going anywhere with that?"

I love theater and have been away from it for close to six years now, since we decided to pursue adopting kids.  When the kids were smaller, cutting out a couple of nights a week for rehearsals would have just been insanity.  But theater is something that is in my blood and few things give me the rush that performing on stage gives me.  I am actually going to be auditioning for "Grease" at the end of March at the Apollo Theater in Martinsburg, WV, which is only about 30 minutes away.  A dear friend of mine, Mandy, is directing the show and several of my long time theater friends are also auditioning.  The hope is that most of the auditioners will be adults, so Mandy can cast the show as adults.  But if more young people show up to auditions, then the main roles will have to be cast that way, so everything is kind of up in the air.  As the fat girl, I always wanted to play Jan, the Twinkie eating Pink Lady who falls in love with Rump and though I am not quite that girl anymore (still fat, but so much better than before!) I still think that is the part I will be singing for.  I think Twinkie-like cakes come in those 100 calorie packs, so if I am careful, totally doable!

Jil also asked: "What is your favorite musical and why?"

I love, love, love musical theater and have so many favorites that it is hard for to pick just one, though I narrowed it down to two.  "Les Miserables" has been a long time favorite of mine and I've seen the show somewhere in the neighborhood of seven times; most of the performances on tour but twice in Broadway.  A friend of mine, Dawn Younker, auditioned for the touring company back in the early 90s and was cast as Eponine, which was both her and my favorite role, so while Dawn was with the touring company, I caught the show several times to see her perform (and she was amazing, btw).  During her run with the company, the Les Miz head honchos came to NYC and fired what they considered to be many members of a "tired" cast.  Dawn's touring company was the one selected to perform in NYC while that cast was being replaced, so I got to see my friend perform on Broadway as well, which was awesome.

My other favorite is "Rent".  The music is amazing and the story so raw and real at times.  I saw the original cast on Broadway right after it opened, which was when Dawn was performing on Broadway.  The tickets to the show were sold out, but Dawn insisted we should wait in line anyway for any cancellations while our friends elected to go see another show.  What Dawn knew but I didn't know, was that the theaters held seats for any friends of the cast until about 10 minutes before curtain.  If no friends showed up, the seats are sold to those waiting in line.  Many of the people ahead of us in line gave up and left, leaving Dawn and I with center, two rows from the stage seats.  They were spitting on us and I loved it. 

When The Brit and I got married, our first year together, he took me to England and we were able to see the London cast of "Rent" as well.  So it is the show I have seen in two major theater districts.  The movie version is also very good and has most of the cast in it that was spitting on me the first time I saw the show.  They have also just released the final performance of the NY cast on DVD which I just got and watched last weekend.  Also very much worth the watch.  The show does have strong language, sexual implications and homosexual themes in it.  It is also one of the best shows I have ever seen.  The saddest part is that Jonathon Larson, who wrote it, never lived to see it open on Broadway, which makes me incredibly sad.

I guess I need to mention one other show from a performing standpoint.  When it comes to musical theater, the best time I have ever had on stage was playing the Rev. Mother in "Nunsense" twice.  Both times, I was able to do the show with some very good friends and it is one of the funniest shows out there, IMHO.  If you ever get a chance to see this gem, go for it.  I would eagerly do the show a third time if the opportunity ever presented itself.

Okay, on with the next topic!

Susan asked: "Please describe what you eat on any given day? I hope this isn't too personal but I 'm just curious."

Susan, this differs a lot depending on what I have in the fridge!  My day though almost always starts out with Special K Protein Plus cereal, 1% milk and a banana.  A serving packs 10 grams of protein, so I am all over that, and with a little Splenda, it's good. 

Lunch can be anything from soup, to half a turkey wrap, to a Kashi Pumpkin Spice bar (another ten gram snack) and a yogurt with some blueberries mixed in.  Dinner has been experimental of late because I got sick and tired of cooking the same things.  I hate to cook, so switching it up is important to me not only from an eating standpoint but from a boredom standpoint as well.  I love to slow cook (not much work and quick and easy cleanup) and in the colder months I will do beef stew and have recently tried beef stroganof though I try to go easy on the noodles in my own serving, but the kids love the noodles.  Also did a cranberry pork this week in the slow cooker and it was really good but next time I think I need to make my own Splenda cranberry sauce to cut down on the sugar. 

Other than slow cooking, I will do tilapia in the broiler, chicken, chicken tacos, shrimp quesadillas, etc.  I recently purchased "The Biggest Loser Family Cookbook" and have been trying some of these recipes from there.  Almost all of them have been good and the family likes them too.  Soup is my favorite Friday night easy meal and I have just learned to make it this winter!  42 years old and didn't know how to make soup!  Go figure!

Snacks are where I get into trouble, but if I'm keeping it real, the things I nibble on range from good days to bad days.  Thank God for the gym on the bad days!  Kashi Pumpkin Bars, Sugar Free Jello with a dollop of Light Cool Whip, grapes, cheese (a huge downfall of mine!  I love the stuff!) and on a really bad day when it must be chocolate, I've been reaching for 100 calorie Swiss Rolls, which must stop.  I buy them for the kid's lunch, but I think I am going to have to find a different alternative because having them in the house poses a problem for me.  Basically, I know they are there! 

Susan, this is actually a question I'd like to pose to my other C&P girls; not so much what they eat for meals, but what they snack on, on this is where I struggle.

Okay, Kim asked: "Have the boys said anything about the difference in you guys now that you've lost so much weight?"

My oldest is kind of oblivious most of the time, but he was a little shocked at the realization that The Brit and I were actually going to go tubing with them and not just watch from the sidelines.  The younger one, he's my vocal kid and is constantly informing me that something I'm wearing or thinking of wearing is too big.  So yeah, in one way or another, they notice.

And finally, Kim also asked: "How did you come to adopt the boys?"

We went through all the infertility stuff to a certain point where I just could not emotionally take it any longer.  Everytime I wasn't pregnant devestated me, so we finally spoke to someone in church that told us if we wanted kids, social services was the way to go.  We had looked at adoption agencies but the expense was insane (and why is that?  If so many kids needs homes why not make it affordable to the average person?).  So we signed up to foster and went through a six week class that honestly, in no way prepares you for the challenges you truly face with some of these kids.  These are not your "normal" run of the mill children; these are kids who have been through the wringer because of their parents.  The two boys were our first placement as we were signed up that we wanted to "foster to adopt".  I didn't want a revolving door at my house.  I did struggle a bit at first on if I wanted them and only because they were boys and there were two.  I had always imagined a girl and two boys at ages 7 and 3, with problems felt like a like to take on at once.

We had to foster them for six months and during that time, we grew to love them and went through with the adoptions.  I'm not going to say it has always been fun.  Our youngest had no language nor was he potty trained at three years old.  No one had ever enforced the latter for him, so it was really hard work to potty train a kid that old and we didn't manage with 100% success until he was nearly five.  He just wanted no part of it.  He would go in his pull ups and then to inform us he went he would bring us a clean pull up.  He had the brains, but not the drive.  His language was slow in coming and we had him assessed at Kennedy Keager at Hopkins after his Head Start speech therapist informed us that we needed to explore alternative means of communication but it couldn't be sign language as he has no digits on his left hand.  I informed her that the child could make cat sounds, cow sounds etc, so he would talk.  Sure enough, after talking to Hopkins we got him in with a real speech therapist and he took off.  Has not shut up since.

My oldest has ongoing issues, as you all well know, but we are in the process of getting him in with a highly recommended therapist.  The Brit and I meet with him next Thursday and I'm anxious to get a feel for the guy.  I liked what I heard in our brief phone conversation though so I have good vibes thus far.  I will keep you all informed.

Well, that's all the questions I have so far, so bring them on if you want more answers next Friday!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

They are Trying to Kill Me (Ode to my children)

In the last two days, I have dealt with the following:

1. Talking to two of the youngest child's teachers because he has decided to develope an "I don't care" kind of nine-year-old tude that is also getting frequent sightings at home.

2. Constant lies from the older child.

3. An email from the oldest child's teacher because he called another kid a bastard this front of the teacher.  (Now I know kids are going to call other kids names, but for crying out loud, step away from the teacher to do it, dude!  I'm not condoning, but the name thing, in 8th grade and beyond?  Pretty much a fact.)

4. Discovering that the oldest child nearly failed gym last marking period because he "couldn't find his gym clothes" so he wasn't changing.  Please note that he puts away his own clothing.

5. Youngest child taking practice test tonight and when he missed like 6 words, informed me that he "doesn't care."  He is currently in his room and will be accompanying me to praise band rehearsal where he will be writing the missed words twenty times each; ten times for missing them and ten times for not caring.

Insanity, I tell you! Whoever said boys were easier than girls just landed here from another planet, I swear.

I had a nice exercise post planned to encourage Kelly and Jil, but tomorrow is another day.  Today has been full of the slightly shorter people I live with and trying to keep them alive....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What I Can't Do

After talking about my achievements in weight loss yesterday, I think it is only fair and educational to discuss what I can't do. 

There are habits that are way too easy to fall back into and my danger zone is nighttime snacking.  Oh, I can have A snack, but if I make it plural, I can pretty much count on seeing the results on the scale.  The hard part of this is that in the evenings my activity for the day stops or at least slows.  I bust my butt all day; work, gym, house stuff, kid stuff, dinner stuff.  But come 8:00 at night, it is time to wind down and if you put me in front of a screen, the urge to nibble comes about fairly easily. 

I'm remedying this by picking up a book or doing something with my hands to distract me.  It is imperative that I stay away from grazing and multiple munching.  I've worked too hard to throw it away on food that isn't necessarily bad for me, but not good for me either.  The scale keeps me honest and in check.  Bad food habits are part of the reason I weighed 315 pounds a year ago. I have no desire to revisit that time of my life when I feel so good now, and nighttime munching is not a need; it's a habit.  Habits can be broken.

The gym is also a MUST.  I don't always get there five days a week, though I try, but I get there as many days as is humanely possible given the limitations of appointments for kids or myself.  The other important thing is switching it up at the gym.  Repetitively doing the same old thing over and over again throws my body into a rut and it no longer wants to cooperate with my efforts.  I've been doing cross training on the elliptical, which has me again sweating bullets.  I've been doing 100 crunches with the exercise ball.  I change it up now and again with the treadmill or the bike.  When I was in there yesterday, I saw a guy, who I know was every bit as big as The Brit was before surgery, on the front row of elliptical machines.  These machines are different from the one I now use, but they are the machines I started out on because I found them easier as a beginner.  He did just fine, so pretty much anyone can.  I found myself silently rooting for him because of his size and how hard he was working.  And yes, it is work.  I don't go to the gym because it is a piece of cake; I go to push myself out of my comfort level.  I personally, find the elliptical to be an amazing piece of equipment, easier on my knees than the treadmill actually and it has really built up my cardio endurance.

I can't get lazy about this, ever.  All I have to do is think of the simple things I can do now that I couldn't do a year ago and it is a powerful reminder of why I can't get lazy.  Yesterday, there was nothing in my being that wanted to go workout.  I had a headache and was sitting back in the music room talking to Paula after my shift here at work ended.  I told her I didn't feel like going.  I sat there for a half an hour talking to her, then got in my car, planning on going home...and then went to the gym. 

I have to be a priority in my own life now.  I have to be here and be on top of my game to continue being who I am to the people in my life.  I didn't see how impacted I was by my weight a year ago, but I see it now...and I never want to forget about how it was a year ago.  Watching life instead of participating in it, feeling fat and ugly and unhappy with myself.  Oh, I was a great actress on the outside; smiling and laughing, but inside I was disgusted that I had let things go so far.  I was frustrated by nothing working for me in my attempts to lose weight.  Now, I revel in the things I can do!  I WENT SNOW TUBING, for heaven's sake!  Snow tubing!  Me! 

And snow tubing is just the beginning.

I am never going back.



And don't forget Q&A Friday is coming up!  Ask and I will answer!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What I Love about Losing 102 Pounds


  • Energy

  • Being able to try daring new hairstyles without having to worry about how fat my face looks

  • Being able to curl up in a chair

  • Being able to cross my legs

  • Being able to do 100 crunches

  • Being able to cross my legs when sitting

  • New confidence I never thought to have (Some people may not like it, but it makes me feel happier and more self assured.)

  • Being able to run upstairs, even from my basement carrying a basket of laundry to the top floor without being winded.

  • Snow tubing

  • Baths

  • Feeling at home in my own body for the first time ever

  • Buying clothes in a normal store

  • Sitting in booths at restaurants and not being afraid I won't fit

  • Not spilling food down the front of me

  • Only having one chin

  • No more lower back pain in the mornings

  • To no longer feel as if people are staring at me because of my size

  • Having a much less limited wardrobe

  • Feeling as if I can do anything I set my mind to

  • Feeling great after a two hour workout instead of feeling like a three hour nap after walking for 30 minutes

  • Living my life instead of watching it from the sidelines

  • Finally loving myself to know that I am worth the work

  • Understanding what it is like for those who are obese who struggle with the answers.  Dear Lord, never let me forget nor lose my compassion.  If I could, I'd be the female Richard Simmons.

  • Knowing that I still have tons of things I want to try (horseback riding, parasailing, just to name a few) and that I can, indeed, try them successfully.

  • Sharing the journey with my beloved C&P girls and The Brit

  • Feeling utterly and completely happy

Monday, February 9, 2009

Gotta Vent

I have mentioned before that I am a bottler, meaning I bottle my emotions instead of letting them flow freely in a healthy way.  I do this because I hate confrontation and bickering, so my blog has become my venting post and you all my ventees and if the person I am venting about just so happens to read this, well, be happy I hold my tongue when I'm angry/annoyed etc and let it out here instead.  Keeps a much happier household that way.

I really, really, really try to make things convenient for people.  When someone says they wishes they had time to do something, say like, going to the gym, I try to find a way to make that happen for the person.  All I ask for is a schedule so that I can make something for dinner that doesn't require being on a timer.  I can slow cook and then it is ready whenever said someone gets home and it isn't burnt or overcooked or dry.  So yes, what nights someone is going to be later does matter.  If I use all my slow cooker stuff on non-gym nights, it kind of defeats the purpose of pre-planning meals to work around certain things.

So when I ask if someone is going to the gym tomorrow and I get growled at that the person doesn't know, yes, it annoys me.  If someone is going to the gym, then I need to get something defrosted TONIGHT so I can have it in the crockpot and cooking by the time I leave for work in the morning.  Unfortunately, that whole waving the magic wand thing doesn't really work in real life; some preparation is required on my part.  All I am asking someone else to do is to let me know their plans and if they haven't decided yet, to please make a decision as I would rather not ask a second time later and risk being growled at again.  That's just simple self-preservation, gang.

Okay, venting over and I feel better now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Okay, I'm over it now

I'm now totally bored with the sick thing.  It's really time to move on now; tired of coughing and snotting and feeling just relatively lousy.  It's just the pits and tomorrow is Monday and the week starts all over again.  Ugh!  Plus no gym until this gets a bit better as I am coughing so much.  HATE IT!  So they will probably call to schedule my surgery tomorrow now that I am ill and probably unable to schedule until I'm well!

So this is going to be short tonight.  My brain is all foggy and I'm having trouble putting two thoughts together.  I still have some photos to download from DC yesterday; just haven't felt like doing it yet.  Today was church, annual church meeting, then Walmart for groceries, then "Rent" the final performance on DVD, then dinner.  Now, I am actually already starting to consider sleeping and it is only 8:52, but that is what sick does to me.  I keep hoping if I get plenty of rest, drink lots of tea and fluids that I will kick this thing but we are now on day 4 since it started.  UGH!  This stinks!

So, tomorrow we will continue with regular posting.  I hope.  I think. 

Saturday, February 7, 2009

In a Nutshell

Spent the day in Washington DC today, had a great time, my cold is moving to my chest which I freakin' hate, I was just upstairs, meds taken, Breathe Right strip on my nose so I can breathe, Vicks rubbed on my chest, lying down on the brink of sleep and I realized I HAD. NOT. BLOGGED.

Not only am I sick, but I have a sickness.

More tomorrow....*cough* *sneeze*

Friday, February 6, 2009

Friday Q&A

So both Jil and Kim have asked me several questions, so for the reason that they are the only two so far and because I am worried they asked all their questions at one time, I'm going to answer six of them today and save the rest for next week and by then we'll know if any others are trickling in.

First question from Kim:

Have you gotten to the point where you are addicted to exercise?

This one I've been thinking about all afternoon and I'm still not sure of the answer.  Here is what I know; I do not look forward to working out and I count the minutes until I am done.  With that being said, when I don't work out, not only do I feel guilty now, but my body responds negatively.  I feel sluggish, irritable, out of sorts in general.  I will also work out for nothing less than an hour and sometimes more and sometimes more than once a day. I will often go the gym after work and put in an hour cardio and then at home that night while watching television, I will get out my exercise ball (we're friends now) and my weights and do a ball workout. 

When I think of the word "addiction" I think of something that is bad for me that I love doing.  I loved smoking (and still miss it), I loved eating (and still miss it). Exercise is not bad for me so I think I have trouble thinking of it as an addition.  However, it does make me feel good and I am addicted to the results I get from exercise.  It just makes me feel better over all and that in itself is amazing.  But I'm also not certain I will ever be one of those people who "loves" to workout.

Jil asked:

Would you consider moving to like warm weather and baby have we got warm

I kind of go where life and God lead me, so Texas is not out of the question

 Kim asked: Have you had any WOW moments lately?

Small ones.  I had bought a pair of LL Bean flannel lined jeans off ebay awhile back and when they arrived they didn't fit.  I kind of forgot about them and then two weeks ago, on a whim, I tried them on and wala!  They fit perfectly and aren't even tight.  Also, going tubing last weekend was a WOW moment for me as I would have never done that a year ago.  My energy level and stamina are also constant WOWs for me every day.  Even with coming down with a cold yesterday, 24 hours later, I am already feeling better and I think that has to do with my new life.

Jil asked: Did you have any problems with your mom while you were a teenager?

I don't think we had any problems that were necessarily out of the ordinary for a mother and daughter.  I went through the phase of shutting her out as a teen, which she hated, but is still pretty normal.  I don't get along with anyone more than her and no one can hurt me more deeply either.

Kim asked:  How is The Brit doing with his weight loss?

Very well as far as I know.  We both hit 100 pounds lost right before Christmas and I know he gained a pound or two in Australia.  I'll have to ask him if he has lost those two pounds and where he is.  He has trouble finding time to work out because he works very long hours, but I am planning on sitting down with him this weekend and working out a plan for him to make it happen in the evenings.  If it means a night or two of slow cooker dinners, that will work out fine.  I want to help him make it a priority.  Mentally, I think it is a priority for him, but in reality when he is trying to balance a demanding job and trying to make it home when I have dinner ready, it just isn't happening as often as it should.  We're going to try to start making it happen.

And lastly, Jil asked: How does the brit feel about your having short hair? Does it matter one way or the other to him?

In regards to my hair and most things actually, he tends to say "Whatever makes you happy."  He has never tried to control how I wear my hair or anything else for that matter.   I changed the style yet again yesterday and I think he enjoys the surprise element!

This was fun!  Let's do it again next Friday.  So ask away, anything you want to know; about me or what I think about any given issue. 




Thursday, February 5, 2009


I think the post I have been working on (don't get excited ya'll because it is so not a big deal.  I don't wanna be like the movie everyone talks about that you have to see and then you are way let down when you do see it because the film did not add up to the hype) for the weekend when I have some time.

Today, I worked and then put in almost two hours at the gym because I had a 3:00 hair appointment that was very close to the gym so there was no sense in my going home in between, so I kicked my own butt today at the Y.  But hey, it's all good. 

Other than the fact that I think I am getting a cold so I am Zycaming myself to try to cure it before it gets started.  With trying to work out and a surgery one day on the horizon (maybe) I don't have time for sick. 

In amazing news, head on over to visit Jil and give her some love.  She had full body views taken of herself by a work friend and she looks incredible!  Jil has lost 187 pounds in the ten months since her surgery.  I love this C&P gal (and all my C&P girls) and we have a standing date to drink wine and eat cheese one day.

I am also going to steal an idea from the other Kim for this here blog (but it's okay, I asked her if she minded and she said no ).  Fridays are going to be Q&A day.  All week long, you can ask me anything you want to know and I will pick questions and answer them on Fridays; probably all of them as I don't really look to be assaulted with questions.  I'm pretty much an open book and not easily offended, so if you are curious about something, ask.  I always find it fascinating to learn more about people and have enjoyed Kim's Q&As so I thought with blog content somewhat hard to come by some days, this would be a good thing for me to do.  Just post your question in the comments and we'll see how it goes!  If I get any questions between now and tomorrow evening, we'll start tomorrow, otherwise, next week.

Okay, off to pick up youngest child from school!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Holy crap...

...When did this freaking week get so busy???  I still have a post planned but need to finish doing my homework on it.  Not that it is a big deal; mostly just of interest to me, but I hate to half ass it.

Still no word on when my surgery will be and I only hope it is scheduled by the end of the week as I have my H&P set up for Monday and my doctor will need the paperwork of what tests they need to do!  I explained all this over the phone today, but we'll see what happens.  *sigh*

My mother went to dinner with us tonight and it felt very strained at least on my part.  She paid, which she never does, which is fine as we know her income is limited, so we usually get the check.  Not sure if paying is her feeling guilty, just being nice, or a way of saying "I'm sorry." though I would prefer to hear the words.  Still not too sure of what to make of it.  I have never wanted any regrets with my parents, so I figure I can still spend time with her, but I am not going to confide in her about things that can be flung back at me later.  What's that old saying?  Shit on you once, shame on them.  Shit on you twice, shame on you.  Got it.  Done.  It's not so much that I can hold a grudge, but more that I prefer to guard my heart.  I'm sure that all of my siblings have been on the tail end of one of her tongue lashings and I'm sure that this will not be the last time for me, as I'm no safer than anyone else.  Besides, my not confiding in her about the big stuff will probably cause her to tell me once more just how much I've changed since I've lost weight. 

I really don't want to dwell on that situation anymore, so unless there is some really important development, consider the subject now off limits by me.  As my BFFF would say "It is so bad news bears."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I'm gathering some info for a post I want to do because it interests me and I had every intention of posting it tonight, but honestly, the day has gotten away from me and tonight is The Biggest Loser and American Idol, so hopefully tomorrow night!

  • I hate how it is either feast or famine with television programs I like.  Either there is nothing on or I am spending more time in front of the tv than I would like, but honestly, I haven't picked up any new shows other than TBL and that one I consider a learning thing, because Jillian Michaels rocks my socks off, not to mention that I have gotten some incredible recipes from TBL Families Cookbook!

  • I haven't heard anything yet from the surgeons office.  Hopefully tomorrow.

  • My mother, who royally pissed me off last week is now acting like nothing ever happened and I'm not sure of how to handle this.  I am still hurt and honestly, am through confiding in her about my kids.  She was out of line last week; you don't tell someone else how to parent their kids; it's like an unspoken rule.  When you've walked a mile in my shoes, then maybe you can have an opinion, but she has not walked that mile.  I am a damn good parent, despite the conflicts with my eldest.  I have exibited more patience than I would have ever thought possible towards a child who has more often than not, treated me like the dirt beneathe his feet.  'nuff said.

  • Short hair seems to be in need of a haircut way more often than long hair.  I love my short doo, (or is it do?) but I can't quite go six weeks without a trim or it gets crazy.

  • I am still hopelessly addicted to Facebook.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Gall Bladder Update

The update is really that I don't have much of one yet.  Yes, saw my surgeon today who went over the risk (something about scar tissue being it the way and if they screw something up they have to add something, blah, blah, blah.  Only happens in .05% of people so I'm not really concerned).  So now I am waiting for the surgery center to call and schedule me which should happen by Wednesday.  I did already go ahead and book my H&P with my PCP for Monday morning so we can get that out of the way.

I just want this thing out like yesterday so I can quit sounding like a drunken sailor!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Fun Sunday!

So despite all the unwanted drama this week, today I did something I would never have done a year ago.

We all went snow tubing!

I had never been to Whitetail before though it is probably only thirty minutes from our home.  But today on a whim, the Brit and I decided to take the kids and go.  The boys were rather amazed that their mom and dad were actually going to tube with them!  We all had a great time for two hours, going down the slopes separately and also by hooking our tubes together to go down at the same time. It was amazing and exciting and great fun! 

The weather was even slightly warmer today; close to sixty degrees this afternoon which for me is both good and bad.  Good because it is indeed warmer and it has been melting the ice from last week.  Bad because it puts me into definite spring fever mode!  The days are already getting longer and that makes me happy.

Tonight, I am going to have to have a word with that groundhog about tomorrow.

The lock in at the church Friday night was wonderful and so needed on my part.  The kids make me laugh until my sides ache and I only hope that when Aaron joins them after Easter (that is his confirmation date) that he fits into the group well.  They are a lively bunch who take great pleasure in ribbing each other (and their adult leaders!) constantly, yet love each other (and their adult leaders) with a fierce protection.  They all have amazing senses of humor and are just so much fun to be around.  Lack of sleep was a small price to pay Friday night for the joy that it gave me after a not very good day.

Tomorrow, finally is the consult with my surgeon! I am so anxious to ditch this gallbladder and this constant burping.

Also, I want to thank my C&P girls and my friend, Kelly for their reinforcement over my situation from Friday.  Also Shelley and the youth group and leaders who have assured me that I have not changed.  That I am still me.  That all parents enjoy a break from their kids and that doesn't make them bad people or bad parents.

Meg said "I happen to have an excellent mother, and we have a great relationship. But I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she needed a break from us kids every now and then! There's a reason why we would go spend the weekend at grandma's a couple times a year! It wasn't that she didn't love us, it wasn't that she didn't like spending time with us, she just needed a break from the "mom" role and she wanted to spend time alone with our dad. I got that then. I get it now. There's nothing wrong with needing a break from your kids!"

And Kim said "I want to start first - because I can't fully respond... by saying that EVERY parent I know needs some time away from their kids to refresh... every mother in my life needs that - so it IS normal for you to need them to spend time away once in a while."

So thank you, girls, for getting it, for understanding, and for understanding the challenges in parenting The Brit and I have faced.  None of it has been easy, but at least now I don't feel as if I need to feel GUILTY for enjoying a break when the kids go to grandma's house for a few days.  It's a win-win situation: the kids get to see their grandparents, the grandparents get to spend time with their grandkids and The Brit and I have some adult time to just be who we are without kids for a few days.  The kids aren't really gone long enough for me to miss them, as I know where they are, that they are safe and generally when they are away, I am insanely busy getting some things done that I generally can't do when they are around.  I guess if someone wants to use that against me, that is that person's problem and not mine.  I take care of my kids.  I love my kids.  Yes, the oldest and I struggle and maybe we always will.  I don't know, but it hasn't been for lack of trying on my part.  The Brit seems to think that our eldest has issues with having a lack of respect for women, because of his bio-mom.  The Brit has seen this time and again and not just with me and I haven't been overly aware of it because of my own struggles with him.  But it makes sense to him and to a few other people.  So two different people have recommended the same therapist to me; a male therapist.  He had a female therapist before and nothing was working or making an impact and he just wouldn't open up.  But this kid takes to men instantly.  That I have noticed.  Whether it be his trainer at the gym (a guy) or the youth group members he prefers (guys), or The Brit, he seeks them out.   Never a female.  Oh, he likes girls well enough, but The Brit says he lacks respect for them.  Maybe if I can get him in with this new therapist we might get somewhere eventually.