I have been in a terrible funk. I am going to do my best to be as honest as I can without sounding like a complete freak show.
It all started with this post. JD's death hit me really hard; some of the reasons I understood and some of the reasons I didn't start to realize until today. John was to me what Kevin Spacey is to Strat. He seemed like an all round nice southern guy. I have read chat transcripts where he took the time to log on and chat with members of an on-line website dedicated to him, and he was gracious, a bit shy, extremely humble and almost embarrassed by the praise people gave him and the show. He genuinely was thankful for being part of something as important as a show where the message each week was "God loves you."
So I have mourned terribly for him the last two weeks, almost to the point of it being incomprehensible to me. Today, I broke down into tears after reading a discussion where he said his two favorite Broadway shows were "Rent and Les Mis." They are also my favorites. I think had we ever met we would have been fast friends and I am determined we will be BFFs in Heaven. I just felt some kind of connection to him; can't explain it. Just did.
But they say tears are cathartic and sometimes they bring some clarity. But they brought clarity in the way of part of the reason this has affected me so deeply, and there is more than one reason.
John was 47 years old and he died of a heart attack, and was apparently alone when he died. This bothers me a lot but beside that, I have friends and family that are 47 and 48 and 49, some in good health, some not. If someone can drop dead of a heart attack at 47, and I know they can and people younger than that have too, then how long before something like this hits really close to home and if I am having trouble handling this one I cannot imagine it really hitting me close to home. This is why I worry about people's health so much. Being 47 or 48 or 49, you have a lot of life left to live or you should. But people have to take care of themselves to make the most of the time they have. Negligence with health can make all the difference in the world. And you know what? Maybe it is selfish on my part, but I don't want to lose the ones I love before their time because of things that could be avoided.
Here's the other part that is bothering me. I have been thinking about this actor and thinking about what he accomplished before he died. I don't consider him just an actor. There are a lot of actors who make contributions to film and screen by their talent alone. But being a part of show that spreads the message of God's love to millions of viewers every week? For a Christian, that is huge. Read comments on articles about him since he died. People are saying how the show changed their lives, how they turned it on the first time during the darkest moment of their lives, how the show, and his character Andrew, especially, helped them to not be afraid to die. Was it based on fact? Who knows, but if it helps in life, who cares? It was important. He also worked with AIDS charities and the Make a Wish Foundation. He accomplished so much.
So, here I am, 44 years old and what is my contribution to society? The problem is that I have always wanted to be someone who made a difference. I want to do something greater than myself or something. Okay, so I adopted two kids. I believe I am a mediocre mother. Yes, I try to teach them values and I try to introduce them to new things and places that they may otherwise not have known if we had not adopted them. But I don't feel I have enough patience. I can be overly critical. I breath a giant sigh of relief when they have an overnight at grandma's over the weekend. A lot of people tell me all parents feel that way from time to time and I'm sure they are right, but it doesn't make me sit back and think"I am a good mom."
I'm an okay wife. Probably not as affectionate as I could be and I don't know why that is. I get caught up in what I am doing and sometimes don't want to stop to do something different. I don't contribute much financially to the household. I never finished college because God did not give me scholastic ambition. So I currently work at a place where people hate me because I wanted things to be different and am looking for another two bit job that is not going to make an impact on society in any way.
I just wanted life to be different in some way. I would not trade my family for anything so no one think it has anything to do with that. I just want to be good at something that matters. It is what I have a heart for but have no idea where to begin or what to do. John's death reminded me that the clock is ticking on my own life too. Who am I inspiring? Whose life am I helping to change? What am I doing to make a positive impact on the world?
Maybe I just need another good cry.