I'm DONE

Sometimes I just don't explain things well.  I think between the situation I was in and Jils' insight from her own experiences my thoughts did not come out well enough.

I do not think W is mad at me because I had surgery.  She has been nothing short of supportive and happy for me.  However, her reaction to A's remark, in the moment, was so intense (a side of her I don't think I've ever seen) that it had me thinking that somehow I had contributed to how she was feeling.  I tend to over analyze things anyway; trying to figure out dynamics in relationships, etc. and I think I really did that with this situation.  She reacted strongly enough that I felt for certain that she had to be upset about more than a remark and I was not taking into consideration her reaction at actually having to say something about how she was feeling (she is in my club of "no confrontation is generally the way to go.").  I just hate conflict and contention as they both freak me out to no end.  Ask The Brit how I can get by arguing with him.  I just lose it and cry.  It probably comes from being a bottler with my emotions and when suddenly something frees them, they pour out in ways that to normal people seems excessive.  If I cried or released my emotions more often, we probably would not have these semi-annual freak out sessions.

Anyway, I'm done with this situation.  I think it's okay.  I hope it's okay.  It's the time of year where we are all stressed out and trying to get stuff done and frazzled and my emotions were in overdrive for two days for a few different reasons.  A double shot of zoloft last night and things are close to being right again in my world.  I can only but hope it stays that way.

In the meantime, I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.  I hope you are surrounded by those you most love and that you recount all the blessings you have been given all year. 

I heard a song today that I think was a gift from God directly to me based upon how I have been feeling about this holiday and I leave you with the lyrics:

I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove

Children are crying while mothers are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?

Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will toward men?

Every shepherd's out in the field
Keeping watch over their clock by night
And the glory of the Lord shone around them
And they were so afraid

And the angels said fear not for behold
I bring you good news of a great joy that shall be for all people
For unto you is born this day a Savior, who is Christ the Lord
And his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
To end this crazy day with a silent night