Turning the Corner, Maybe?

I did not wake up in a better mood this morning and actually more things happened today; different kinds of attacks that would not have been a big deal were I not already feeling so raw.

I poured out yesterday's entire situation to my Cut and Paste girls (those bloggy friends who have had RNY) because the idea would not leave me that my friend's insecurities were being further flamed by my surgery.  It's the kind of stuff you only read about when you are preparing for WLS but you don't think you will truly find yourself in the situation...and then suddenly there you are. 

Jil had some amazing insight and I hope she doesn't mind if I post it here with changing a few things to protect the privacy of the people involved.  The comment yesterday had to do with weight and someone took it as being aimed at them which it was not.  It was just supposed to be a funny comment that was taken personally and I could indeed see both sides.  But Jil had this to offer and it might be a good thing for gals like Susan, who are just beginning their journey and if nothing else, I  have always wanted my blog and my posts about my journey through this surgery to help others going through the same things.  If words can help someone else, I'm all for it.  Other bloggers have helped me on my way through this uncharted by me territory so I want to pay it forward.  I am using the letters "W" and "A" to differentiate the two parties involved.

I have no doubt you have been on W's end before receiving an innocently intended comment that came across as hurtful and very personal.  To that end I am sure you have been on A's end as well as the one who made the comment intended innocuously enough but ill received.  The truth is W, although overly so, reacted in a way that her emotions and insecurities dictated to her.  They are neither right nor wrong.  They are simply the by-products of long held personal insecurities, being that A comes from a place of obesity W probably reacted more intensely because she would not have seen it coming and she trusts A as a friend.  I know that A meant no fowl.  Obese people tend to be brutal in their humor about obesity.  We do and don't even second guess ourselves.  If I was A, and made such a comment which I very well could have, I would have ultimately been thinking about myself and how such a comment once would have been directed at me can't really be said anymore.  I would not have given a second thought to W's feelings because it would never have occurred to me that she might think she was fat.  Her idea of fat and mine would be very different, BUT I cannot say that W is not entitled to her unhappiness about her weight.  I used to scoff at those who would bitch about the 5 or 10 lbs they needed to lose and how miserable and ugly they felt.  After all they didn't know the real meaning of fat, misery or ugly, I owned that category and felt their complaining about those vanity pounds were unfounded and ridiculous and even spiteful.  As I have lost weight I have begun to learn that I don't have the market on those feelings and their misery is very real.  
 
Just be aware that your reactions although equally founded are just that.  Reactions.  I am sure to W if she knew about your feelings on the subject, she would feel you are over-reacting just as you feel she has over-reacted.  It will be hard on her and indeed all of your friends who want for you such happiness and success but at that same time your success will open their own insecurities for deeper scrutiny.  Everyone wants personal improvement and everyone can see yours.  Your success is tangible.  That is hard for a lot of people to take.  I have dealt with it as well, mostly with friends.  We all have the roles we play and when the rules for one change, the rules for everyone change.  The old dynamic that was so comfortable to everyone no longer fits.  You made the move.  You are adjusting to your role.  It is much more difficult for everyone else because you are the one that chose to change.  It wasn't their choice.  Now new roles have to be figured out and not everyone is going to be on the same page as you.  I have been the fat girl for the last 15 years.  That was my role.  The fat, funny side-kick...I no longer fit that role...it has been an adjustment for me but I came through it.  There have been some in my life that meant a great deal to me that could not handle my new role in their life.  Hopefully you will fair better in this resepct.  Don't coddle W but don't pay her lip service either.  Tell her your feelings as she told you hers.  There is no room in viable friendships to harbor ill will or negativity.  At some point it will rear it's head...best not let it fester.  You are valuable to one another.  Don't let a well placed arrow find the chink in your armor.  Your friendship deserves honesty as do you.   

I'm still stuck at a crossroads with how to handle things.  I do think that my weight loss in some way may have aggrevated the reaction yesterday and though I cannot change what I did with surgery,nor would I ever want to, it's very hard for me to feel like I have helped contribute to someone else's insecurity about themselves.  I didn't change me for anyone else other than me.  The choice was by me, for me and as Jaime pointed out to me, I have WORKED for it; it wasn't handed to me.  There are people out there who have failed at this surgery so everyday when I leave the gym soaking wet with sweat, that is me working to make sure that I succeed.  The idea that anyone else may be upset or put out or even uncomfortable with my redefining role within my circle doesn't sit well with me.  It distresses me greatly but on the same token, I know I can't be responsible for how anyone else feels.  I know that in my head, but my heart wants to hope I can fix it, yet I am so bad at any type of confrontation, even if it is sitting down and talking to W and try and find out if I have upset her in some way or if she is struggling with me.  What if she says yes?  How do I fix that?  Are there other people in my life that are feeling that way? 

This was one of my fears.  How can I not be excited over losing 100 pounds or over how good I feel now physically and emotionally?  I did 42 years of obesity; I feel like I did my time.  I was not a slim teenager or a sexy twenty-something.  I feel like I deserve this and deserve to be happy over it,but the happiness diminishes alot at the thought that my happiness may be a hard thing for someone else.