Monday, December 22, 2008

Who's Insecure?


So there was this whole big issue today between two people I am very close to and somehow I got placed in the middle and it was very awkward and horrible.  It was one of those situations where one person said something in a joking way, not knowing the other person's insecurities.  I mean, you can tell a beautiful model she is ugly and if she has a self image already of "ugly" she will believe what the person said because it reinforces what she already believes about herself. 

This situation had to do with weight and though I won't go into great detail, a general joke was made that someone else took personally.  The second it happened, I knew that that one person would not take the comment the way it was intended because I know both parties better than they know each other.  I knew the tease was meant as a general tease, not directed at anyone.  I also knew that the other person would feel it was directed at them in a malicious manner because of self image issues.  I was right on both accounts, but trying to get both people to see things both ways as I could was almost impossible.  I was not even directly involved in the situation and I was the one who spent the afternoon crying because two people I loved were upset. 

Of course, it also brought up all of my old insecurities as well.  I have been feeling relatively comfortable with myself the last couple of months, but I knew today that a year ago, had someone made the same innocent remark, it would have hurt me, no matter how unintentional the remark was meant to be.

It also scares me because I don't want to become obnoxious in my joy over losing weight.  It's really hard for me to not be happy about it and when I'm happy, I tend to want to share.  I don't want to become annoying.  So many people have struggles with weight; for one person, five extra pounds is every bit as big a deal as 100 pounds is to someone else (despite the fact that some who are 100 or more pounds overweight have trouble wrapping their minds around the five pound person).  I'm saying that one person may be busting their tail to lose twenty pounds and here I have dropped 100.  I don't want my success with my surgery and lifestyle changes to frustrate the person battling twenty pounds, because I get that.  100 pounds ago, I could be so frustrated with people who could seemingly eat anything they wanted and never gain a pound, so I don't want to be the one causing the frustration.  It almost scares me now that when receiving a compliment on my weight loss, instead of shrugging it off like I would have a few months ago with "I still have a long way to go." I am now comfortable enough to just say, "Thank you.  I feel great."  Why do I feel guilty about that? Why is self affirmation of a positive light inducing guilt in me?  Is it because for so many years, I conditioned myself to have great difficulty accepting any kinds of compliments because with being morbidly obese, I didn't feel I deserved them for anything else I achieved? 

I feel like today has caught me in a place where I'm not sure of how to feel or what to do.  Apologies have been made between the two parties involved, but I am still feeling completely spent and not quite myself after the events of the day.  I feel exhausted right now and I feel like I'm trying to celebrate a holiday I can't even feel at the moment.  I'm hoping the feeling will pass with morning's light, but yet I'm not sure.

And JJ's hermit crab apparently died tonight as he left me a note after he went up to bed and I'm feeling really sad that she died, especially after not being a real attentive mom tonight with all the inner and outer drama from today.

It can only get better tomorrow, right?



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