I have written in this blog before about my closet desire to become a published author. I have also written about my deep-rooted fear of rejection in doing so. I have no idea why it scares me so much, but it does. After all, there is that whole "nothing ventured, nothing gained" quote and all.
The fact is, I love to write. I write all the time and have been doing so since middle school, most of it some kind of fan fiction, but the stories are original, even if the characters are not. I have probably spent enough hours, days and years writing things that can never be published to equal a couple of full length novels.
I kind of feel like I have been coming into my own ever since my surgery, a sort of stepping into the ring instead of watching it from the sidelines. Are all my insecurities gone? Of course not. Are anyone's insecurities ever all gone? Probably not and if you are one who has none, please tell me your secret. But nonetheless, this has been a coming out period for me. There are days I feel downright daring and full of life as if I am completely unstoppable. It isn't always easy, but I no longer feel that there is a barrier holding me back from things that I want.
One of the things I want is to be published and I am slowly convincing myself that 2009 is the year for me to begin writing seriously. I have about a million story ideas floating around in my head and they sometimes make me feel like screaming as I can't seem to pick one, but I'm working on controlling that bit of insanity.
So, here is my little secret. I entered a small writing contest that is put out by a Christian organization. They give you the story title and you have 750 words or less to write a little story. I sent mine off last night. I don't expect to win as I really don't think short stories are my specialty; too hard to find emotion and intent in so few words and especially difficult to develop characters in a handful of paragraphs. I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I'm coming out after all.
I think the fear lies in finding out that I'm not good enough. I've always felt that I am a halfway decent writer, but what if I'm not? That is not a statement to solicit kind remarks or validation, but simply a factual question. What if publishing companies tell me "You're crap."?
That's the scary part, but I'm going to try to put the fear aside and just write, without concern for consequences; just for the pure love of it.
We'll see what happens.