I am finding myself beyond frustrated. Most days (not today) I love my job and I don't mind working full time, BUT everything else is so much more complicated. Part of it is my control freak ways. My house needs vacuumed desperately and it BOTHERS ME. I am putting on some weight and it BOTHERS ME. Basically, it makes me feel like shit. I don't feel as good as I did when I was working out regularly. My kids are at asshat ages and it BOTHERS ME. I hate that they are here alone so much because The Genius cannot be trusted. I feel helpless in my own life and I have little to no idea what to do about any of it.
Getting to the gym means the possibility of pissing off people. But the fact is, if I get a handle on my exercise again, I may feel better in all the other aspects of my life. Once a week kickboxing and walking the dog are not cutting it for me. I felt strong in almost every aspect of my life when my workouts were regular. My patience level was better. I was not freaking exhausted ALL THE TIME. I accept the fact that I am getting older and maybe being more tired is normal, but not this desire to nap half the freaking afternoon.
I love my dog, but at times it is hard to have him at work everyday especially now in the hotter months. I could otherwise get a few things accomplished on my lunch hour. Granted, when the kids are out of school, he will be staying home at least part of the time with them. They need to learn the responsibility.
So I need a PLAN. I cannot keep going this way. It is making me crazy. There are days when I feel like I am on the verge of tears all day long just because I hate the helpless feeling of not being in control of my life.
So there are options for the gym.
I love my Wednesday night service at church but I am considering giving it up to go workout and then going back to the church for 8:00 rehearsal. I can either get to the Y on a Sunday or I need to switch my grocery day so I can workout on Monday. I have stuff here at home to work out but every time I attempt it, I am inundated with children and questions and mocking about what I am doing. Plus, my resources are limited here and with it being the onset of summer, we don't have central air and I am not about working out in a sauna.
I don't care if I go to the gym before or after dinner. Either works. I just need to get there...though it is harder to leave to do it once I am home, but I will just make myself do it. I think my eating took a nose dive when the church blew up (and incidentally, more people are leaving) and I have not regained control. I am still a size 18 but things are not as roomy as they once were and if I do not intervene, I will not stay an 18.
If this plan doesn't work (and when The Brit travels I am not sure at all of how it can work) something has to give. The way I feel right now this moment cannot continue.