Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I have needed to come clean for quite some time now. Like many people, I often hope that not talking about something will either make it go away or an even better scenario is that I can not talk about, fix it without even mentioning it and then it is like it never happened. But what I am quickly learning is that neither of these options are recipes for success.  

So here it is; raw and real.
I have gained 30 pounds.

You have no idea how horrible and ashamed I feel to write those words.  With people I see day to day I can't hide it.  Weight is always there for all the world to see.  Some of you may have sensed my struggles on Facebook as I hinted at it; at not having time to get to the gym or at eating things I should not be eating.
I can trace it back a year when the problems started for me.  Food has always been a coping mechanism for me as it is for most people who battle it.  When my church life turned upside down, I found myself slowly starting to return to food as a means of dealing with the pain and betrayal.  Then there was the new job and not just the stress that comes with a new job, but going from twenty hours a week to forty.  Suddenly, I was no longer getting off work at 12:30 and heading to the gym before any of the men in my family were even home to know I was missing.  Now it is get off work at 5:00, go home and cook and can we talk about being tired after being at work for nine hours?  I often find that once I am home, it is so hard to find the will to go back out and hit the gym.  Honestly, it barely happens and most evenings, I simply opt for a walk instead.

Now, a walk would probably be fine were I being super careful of my food intake but most days, I am not.  Sitting at a desk all day, I find myself nibbling.  I am trying to do better but it is a daily battle.
After my surgery, I documented everything here, got support and advice and I know it helped me.  I shared what I learned and read about what others were doing.  Now, here I am, barely blogging so probably not many readers still remaining.  The fresh new post-op me, was replaced by just "me" and I have gotten lost somewhere along the way.  Somewhere along the way, I have put aside the things I know are the right things to do.  I have gone back to making excuses and if I don't get my act together, I am going to reach the point of no return where I will be so far off track that getting back on track will be overwhelming.

So, here I am.  Honest.  Scared.  Worried.  Unhappy. Feeling alone in this and trying to turn this ship around.  I don't want to wind up back where I was.  That would make everything I went through; surgery, preparing for it, recovering from it, working so hard to lose 109 pounds, in vain.  I cannot bear the thought of it.  
I hope some of you are still here to share this with me. 


  1. I'm here...and I'm sharing it with you

  2. I'm here too. You're not alone and you are loved - unconditionally.

  3. Oh honey don't be so distressed. Remember that I made Lifetime at WW back in August? Well....I'm back to paying now; about 5 lbs. have come back on due to my lack of sticking to the program like I know I should. And that 5 lbs. doesn't seem to want to go away.
    You've had a lot of change in the past year which messed up your routine. The good news is that you recognize that and can now start working on a new routine to get back on track. As for snacking at work - keep a fruit bowl in your office; I also keep instant oatmeal, WW smoothie packs, Campbell's Soup At Hand Tomato Soup, and a jar of peanut butter. I also have measuring cup and spoons there as well. If you really want snacky things - read the label and measure out the portion side and take that with you. It's a lot of work, but it does work.

  4. I feel your pain Kim. I've gained 30 pounds back too! I love you girlie. I am here for you! Remember that you are worthy of true happiness! You will find your way-- God has faith in you, as do I. Call me soon.