Grouchy

So the highlight of the weekend was Saturday night dinner.  The rest of it bombed.  Can't be helped; The Brit's job called, but it still doesn't keep me from being cranky about it as what was supposed to be one all nighter, turned into an all nighter and an all weekender too.  Oh well, only five more days till Friday.

It's one of those days where there is nothing to blog as nothing happened.  My day consisted of church, Sunday school, a nap, a Lifetime movie and there ya go. 

So tomorrow is work, gym, grocery store. 

I'm just so annoyed right now.

Boring Saturday

The Brit has had some big implementation at work the last few days, which translates into he isn't home much.  He went in today and took Aaron with him at around 9:00 and by 3:00, I was climbing the walls out of boredom.

Hanna hit here, which essentially means we had lots of rain today and that cauesd interference with our satellite.  Rain also meant that JJ could not go out to play and that Lilah across the road would not be coming out to play.  So, for six hours, I had a Q&A with an eight year old that about made me insane.  If he was a super hero, he would be Question Boy and he would save the world by making all the bad guys want to jump off cliffs just to hear some silence.

I have no problem amusing myself as I love to read or write or knit, but all these things require concentration and it is hard to concentrate during a Q&A.  So, we finally drove into The Brit's place of business so we could hang out there with his team while they...implemented until after 6:00 and then we went to dinner.

So not a real eventful day.  Rather dull.  I did manage to color my hair this morning, oh and guess what?  I bought this little sweater thing at Lane Bryant this week in a size 18-20 (Pre-op, I was a size 28 in everything) and I tried it on today to amuse myself and the damn thing fit.  Awesome.

Shelf Life

So are there any exercises that are good for the ass shelf?

You know what I'm talking about. 

This:



That fat that sits right above my rear end that I could sit a drink on.  It so needs to go!  So annoying.

I actually did the gym twice today.  Went for my regular workout and then went back tonight with the family and swam some laps.  I should sleep like a baby.

Hard to believe it is already September, which makes me think about Blog 365.  Do I do it again next year?  Most of the time, it was not too much of a hardship, however, I just don't have quality stuff every day.  Some days are dull and boring, but before the end of it, I still have to blog. 

On the same token, as a blog reader, I like it when someone updates daily.  I miss my blogging friends who are sporadic.

So, what do you think?

I Just Wish...

...that people would sometimes think before they say things.  That they would consider how their words might sound to someone else. 

I just wish...

...that people would remember that we all don't always agree all the time.  And that's ok.

I just wish...

...that people would keep in mind that being kind is never wrong.

I just wish....

....that sometimes people could make their skin tougher when the above things are forgotten.

I just wish...

....that people would remember that disagreeing does not have to entail being mean in word and action.

I just wish...

...that decisions made in hurt were never made quickly nor rashly.

I just wish...

....that we could all treat each other the way Jesus treated those He met.  Never with cruelty or bitter words.  It's okay to be angry with someone or to think that things were not handled in a better way. But saying those words out loud?  To that person?  That's forever.

It's all in the delivery.  When we approach problems with a sense of family and unity, then no one gets hurt and we solve the problems together.  But when we draw an invisible line in the sand, the waves might wash away the evidence eventually, but the imprint on the heart remains.

I hold my tongue a lot because saying the words I may be thinking in the moment is just not worth the repercussions.

I wish...

...Everyone would remember that.

Accountability

When I first started blogging about WLS one of my goals was to present a very true to life picture of the process, both before and after surgery.  I know I have at least two ladies who read here who are pre-ops and I just think it is so important to know some of the challenges that lie ahead.

Today, I got an email from one of my on-line WLS buddies, that was addressed to our small group of WLS buddies.  I wanted to share the email exchange so that people can see that this surgery is truly a TOOL and it is what we make of it.  Sometimes we need to re-evaluate and switch things up a bit.  This also enforces the need for some kind of support, be it in internet friends or a hospital support group.  You don't want to go this alone.

So, the email conversation:

From L:

hello sweet ladies.  I've missed correspondance with you lately.  I've been aloof, but it hasn't been because I'm not always and ever thinking of you each and loving you from afar.  It's just a different season.  Maybe a more quiet season.

Welp, here I am to admit...I'm sucking it up.  I haven't been doing super well, and it's showed in my stalled weight loss!  Defeated?  Course not!  Discouraged?  Not even very much.  Ready to get moving again?  You know it! 

As I haven't been tracking my intake, I couldn't be sure of what my calories in/out are, but I'm fairly certain that my snacking tendencies have pushed my calories consumed range up above what they should be.  I'm also not really pushing the protein AND I'm not drinking water as much.  I've let those very important guidelines fall to the wayside, and now the scale is bouncing in between the same 7 pounds!  GRRR.  Some days I'm almost down as much as 90, and somedays it's back up in the 80's.  It's been this way for over a month! (I think...like I said, my record keeping has sucked!)

I'm SO over this!  Since I'm not blogging much right now, I had to get this outta my system to my best support group...*smiles*

So, I've gotten my booty back over to fitday to record my intake.  I'm realizing that sitting on my butt doesn't count as exercise (yes, I promptly quit my C25K as soon as I stopped having that accountability.  embarrassed?  quite.) 

So, yeah.  there it is.  I suck.  a lot.  but, I'm over it, and ready to start pressing on towards the goal to win the prize to which God has called me...!!!!

I'm wondering what you girls need accountability with, because if I'm asking for your help, I'm sure as heck ready to offer you my love, support and encouragement as well. 

Most of us are headed quickly towards a year out.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?

I was looking at pictures from January of this year...and wowzers.  I had no idea how unhealthy I was.  I think I've started to forget that once upon a very short time ago, I was sick.  I was dying.  I was nowhere near living.  And here I am, many pounds, and smiles later.  So grateful, and so ready to keep moving.

K responded with this:

Oh L, I can soooooo relate!! I'm bouncing around in the same spot too - and I need the accountability as well... especially with the craziness that is going on job wise - and starting a new job... I'm going to need people pushing me to get off the couch when I get home from work these first few weeks and get a workout in. So lets figure something out - if it's a daily email... I'm in... whatever you think will help... sign me up! I've missed hearing from you too!

I then chimed in with:

Hey ladies!
 
Yeah, I hear you!  Though I finally moved past my stall last week and now I am making myself only weigh in once a week on Fridays.  The everyday thing was making me insane. 
 
Moving?  I am getting that one down, for now at least.  I'm working out at the Y minimally three times a week and striving for 4-5 days a week though that is not always happening.  I dare say, there are moments when I actually enjoy it.  Never thought I'd hear those words coming out of my mouth.  Carbs?  I still struggle and I find that when I am indulging in them too much, that is when my weight stalls.  I can have them here and there and do just fine, but when I turn it into "what can I grab to eat that is quick?" and reach for the pretzels or baked scoops and salsa too often, the scale reflects that. 
 
I want to be the girl (I can cannot call myself a woman, even at 42 years old...don't wanna be one, it sounds far too grown up for how I feel now, which is lighter and freer than I was when I was a teenager!) that loves being healthy, loves working out and respects her body.  But becoming that is hard work.  L, I posted new After pics on Sunday if you haven't seen.  I keep looking at my Before and then my most recent After and just marvel at the changes while at the same time am so embarrassed at just how bad I let it get in the Before pic.  I don't look anything else like the girl I see in the mirror today and that is such a good thing and such a powerful reminder of the things I need to do.  Will the reminder always be that powerful?  Oh, I hope so, but as everyone else, I can let my guard down for too long and get into trouble.  I so don't want to do that.
 
I'm up for it, girls!  Whatever you all need.  Emails, accountability; it's every bit as beneficial to me.  After all, no one understands the challenges of WLS like another WLS patient!

Then back to L:

First of all, thanks for your support!  I so needed it!  Second of all, thanks for forwarding that on to J.  I guess I had her email down wrong.

K,  congrats on your new job, and things moving forward.  I am so pleased for you!

Kimberlyyyyy.  I'm checking out your before and after and isn't it just AMAZING?!?  Sometimes, I'm shocked by the pictures I see of the "old me!"  I visited my sister in law this weekend and saw some older pics of myself and was stunned!! 

Your hair is DARLING.  I LOOOOVE it!  The color, the cut, the EVERYTHING.  and look at that brit of yours.  He's a stunna!  Watch out!  You two are coming out!

Right now, I'm trying to figure out my nutrition goals all over again according to my "new" weight of 245 @ 5'9.  My goal has been set to weigh 175 by my birthday 4/28.  I think I can, I think I can!  Anyone know how to calculate caloric daily needs to lose 2.07 pounds a month? *laughs*

M arrived a little late to the party, but was in the same boat as we all had been before:

Hey ladies,

I've been away all day so I'm just catching up.

L, if a pound = 3500 calories, then you need a calorie deficit of 7,245 calories per week or 1,035 calories per day. I don't know how many calories you're burning... if you were lightly active at 245, you'd need 2,470 calories per day to maintain your weight according to this, so you could supposedly eat 1435 calories per day to lose 2.07 pounds per week (though the calculation changes as your weight gets lower). But who knows if this stuff is really accurate. All I know is our bodies seem to be MASTERS at survival, managing to live on very little food without losing!

Me? My problems now include (1) sticking to any kind of workout schedule being back in school, (2) eating carbs like it's no big deal, and (3) trying things that should be off limits... part of a cookie today, the top of a muffin earlier this week, a few french fries from chick-fil-a... it's a slippery slope.

And I'm stalled too. I once weighed 203. Now I'm 206.something, where I've been hovering for THREE WEEKS. Very annoying.

But we can all get back on the wagon by following the rules: protein first, 62 oz water, exercise. We're not done yet!


So, the surgery does not correct bad habits.  It does not make us automatically want to go to the gym.  If these were not habits before surgery, they are not going to automatically be habits after surgery.  For any pre-ops reading here, heed me, because I did not heed the advice from others when I was a pre-op, if you can start an exercise program now, before surgery, do it.  Start getting into the habit now.  If you do not already consume 64 ounces of water a day, start now.  I'm four months out and I still struggle with this.  I wish I had started it as a pre-op. 

After surgery, you are trying so hard to re-learn your body.  You are struggling with "OMG, what can I eat that is the consistancy of cottage cheese?" and "Wow, when is my energy going to return?"  Exercising prior to surgery can help with this and if your body is already in the habit of getting in plenty of water a day, it will surely be easier for you after surgery.  These little favors that you do for yourself can make a huge difference in your early post-op life.

Reality

I have to tell you.  I cannot stop looking at this:



I mean, it just blows my ever-lovin' mind.  I really looked like that!  How on earth was I ever comfortable?  How did I do anything?  It looks as if I can barely breathe!

It's like a roadside accident where I can't stop looking no matter how much I want to.  OMG!  How did I function yet alone live?

The answer is that I barely did.  Yeah, I got stuff done.  I cleaned my house.  I even did yard work.  It all kicked my ass (though you wouldn't know it by looking at the size of my ass in those before photos).  I could spend a day cleaning, with taking many breaks because standing for too long would hurt my back or my knees and that night I would crash really hard and then have so much trouble getting up in the morning.

Now, I can get finished double or even triple what I used to do in a day, sleep like a baby that night and wake up before the alarm goes off in the morning.  I look forward to working out.  I have a list of things I want to do that is a mile long and I know I'll get it done.

I just can't stop looking at it.  But then, I look at this:



And though I can see how much work still needs to be done, I also see someone happy and someone who is growing comfortable with her body and how it functions.  This surgery has been such a gift; nothing short of a small miracle for someone like me who has been obese almost all of her life. 

I wouldn't trade my decision to have this surgery for anything.  It gave me my life back.   Because though I lived before, I'm not sure I was actually living. 

There is definitely a difference.

Laboring on Labor Day

Though working was not my intention when I woke up this morning, I can say that with the work week started, I am way ahead of the game.

The Brit and I went for my weekly horror at Walmart.  It was nice to have the company as he is generally at work when I go.  We also bought a small bike rack for my car for when I want to go riding at the park after work, I no longer have to cram my bike into my car, ie. putting the seats down, etc.  This makes it nice and easy thankfully!

Then during the course of the day, I vacuumed, did two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, cooked dinner, and cleaned the front porch.  Not too shabby for a day of rest.

The bummer is that tomorrow, my eldest son has two doctor's appointments.  One at 1:45 and one at 7:00.  So, I either drop him off from the doc's and then go workout, or go in the evening with the eldest who is working out with the middle school program.  The problem with going with him (unless The Brit is able to go, but he is scheduled for a hectic week at work) is that to do my normal stuff, I am going to take way longer than Aaron.  I haven't been since Friday, so I am due to work with the weights as well as get in my cardio.  I could also drop him after his first appointment and then go and do my weight work and take him in the evening and do my cardio then.  I guess I'll see what The Brit winds up doing.

Okay, I'm actually going to go relax now for the remainder of the evening!  Hope y'all are doing the same.  Maybe I'll knit as I have two baby blankets to make (one is already started).  Andie is having twins.