Trying to Find My Happy Place

I promise we will get back to our regularly scheduled program here as soon as I get myself sorted out.� I have changed my doctor's appointment to today because I cannot handle feeling this way much longer.� I am pretty convinced that my zoloft is just no longer working for me and the doc is going to have to switch me to something else.� I am forcing myself to do things that I generally jump to do, would prefer to just stay in bed all day, have a short fuse and little excitement about anything.� Ya'll know me.� I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky, energetic gal.� Well, all that feels like it got up and left.�



I hate it.



I feel nothing like myself at the moment and that is really hard and anyone who has never been where I am right now, cannot understand it.� A few people have suggested other drugs, but I'm just going to see what the doc says and recommends.� It is just really, really hard to feel like this.� Even here at my desk I would prefer to just lay my head down and sleep. I am so hoping that the end of the day will find me a new medication and the beginning of a return to normal.



It has to.� Nothing else is good enough.



I have stuff I want to achieve and I can't do it feeling this way, with no desire to do the most basic of tasks.



My children are probably wondering who the bitch is who has taken over the house.



Hate it.

The Crazy? I Gots It

Sometimes things happen that I am not sure I really want to share in my blog.� I argue with myself about it and either decide not to post about it, or decide that maybe if I can manage to tell the story, it might help someone else and maybe even me in the process.� Those of you who were around me Friday night know the story as after a lot of wine, I felt brave enough to tell it.� You have the details which I will not rehash here, but will give the condensed version.



I have a lot of issues with my oldest adopted son, which I have mentioned in the past.� He is now a teenager and has gone, at times, from worse to horrendous.� I'm not sure he was ever as minor as "bad" when it came to certain things, like lying.� Lying for me is a huge ordeal.� I hate it worse than anything.� Lying means I can't trust you, don't want to leave you alone in my house, and I don't believe anything you say.� This kid has been lying to my face for six years now; stupid lies, things he does not need to lie about.� For me, lying is the ultimate betrayal.�



You all know, I was having a rough week last week emotionally.� I was on edge, much of it brought on by this kid, who was playing up for me a lot.� Friday, before he walked into his therapy, he lied to me.� So while he was in therapy and I went to the grocery store (because his therapist, in my opinion, missed an opportunity as he could see there was an issue.� Had he acted on that, the things that happened after therapy might not have happened).� The whole time at the store, I fumed, so that by the time the kid was out of therapy, I was really angry.�



We got into the car and I questioned him again on the issue at hand, and he lied again...a new lie, which zeroed out any chance the first lie ever had as they conflicted with each other.� Then he added lie upon lie in order to make the second lie work.� When I cornered him, he finally confessed the truth...a truth which would NOT HAVE GOTTEN HIM INTO TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.�



I lost it.� I yelled like a banshee in my car the whole way home.� I swear to you, I saw RED.� I said some things I should not have said.� I cursed...a lot.� My frustration was at an all time high.� At one point as I was driving down the street, I imagined what would happen if I took the corner at full speed and wrecked the car.� Yeah.� This is where I was and I have never really been there before.� It was not pretty and I am not proud of it.



We got home and he pretty much got the hell out of dodge.� I walked around to the passenger's side of the car to get the groceries from the back and I completely melted down into sobs.� I felt at a complete loss, didn't know what to do or who to call or where to go from here.� I felt on the brink of losing my freakin' mind in those minutes.� I stood there crying for maybe ten minutes before my younger son came around the corner (he gets home from school right before we get home from therapy), asking me if I was okay.� I held it together as best I could so as not to scare him and gathered up the groceries.



That was when I realized that my oldest son was locked out of the house and had witnessed my whole meltdown at the car.� Through all of it, my rant, my tears, he never said one word...not one emotion crossed his face.� But then, it rarely does.



Once I had calmed and talked to Tod, I went up to the oldest son's room and apologized for some of the things I said, but told him�I was not sorry for getting angry.� I told him how his lies affected all those around him.� I don't think anything registered with him at all and he never did apologize for lying.



Some people don't understand why his lies affect me the way they do...but they need to remember that I deal with this kid about 80% of the time on my own.� I am the parent who gets them up in the morning and who is here when they get home from school.� I get the majority of the drama...and when he is really acting out, it gets to me.� Lying is such a major deal breaker for me.



So I am seeing my doctor on Friday.� Instead of going off the zoloft, I am looking for something stronger.� I have a feeling either the zoloft is no longer working as affectively after six years or I am entering into pre-menopause and a helluva hormone imbalance.� Friday afternoon was not me and I have not been totally me since.� Still a bit short tempered and a bit of a lack of interest in most things at the moment.



A few moms I have spoken to since Friday have told me they have had similar moments, so I don't feel quite so bad....still not good, but not as bad as Friday.�

Calcium, Never Mind

So I posted an article from that site who contacted me and I was not impressed for the following reasons:



All the articles I wanted to use were apparently already being used by someone else.� If that was the� case, I think the articles should have�been removed.� It was time consuming to keep clicking only to find out I could not use the article.



The article I settled for, for those of you who did not see it, was on calcium, but I found no new information in the article.� I didn't even find it interesting.� The articles that I might have found interesting were already taken.� Oh, and you don't get to read the whole article prior to picking it. You get to read two sentences and hope for the best.



Once you post an article, you have to go back to their site to "Verify" it.� Basically, this is putting in the permalink to the blog post.� Their site supplies me with http://knitten-kittens.com/ so I filled in the rest.� Wouldn't take it.� Told me the URL was wrong.� So, I put in the whole thing.� Still told me it was wrong.



The article supplied two links, apparently linking the post back to the author.� Neither link worked.� Again, as you can't preview the whole article prior to selecting it as yours (and apparently, once you do that, there is no changing your mind), so only once it was posted could I try the links.� Nada.



In theory, I think the idea of this website in question is good, but there seems to be a lot of bugs.� I have emailed them with all my concerns and in the meantime, I took the article down.� I was not happy with the content (not my style, not a topic I really wanted either) or the broken links, so I failed to see how it would benefit me (didn't like it) or the author (broken links).�



So this morning I went to the doctor for my thumb pain, which is exactly like my thumb pain from three years ago when they did a tendon release in my wrist that remedied the problem.� The Nurse Practitioner (NP) ordered x-rays and when she came back in with them, she said my doctor said it was highly unlikely that the problem would reoccur and she wanted me to see a hand specialist.� I asked the NE if my xrays had shown any problem and she said, "No, but as soon as we don't take an xray, that's when someone has bone cancer." As she is saying this, she is studying a darker line across my wrist on the xray, and she immediately says, "I need to check with the doctor on this."



Okay, so she mentions the C word and then hightails it out of my room with a concern about my wrist and is gone like FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES!� For these FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES my heart is pounding out of my chest and my palms are sweating and I am contemplating how I will handle a cancer diagnosis.� I am thinking to myself, "But I am so healthy now...can't be cancer surely."



When the NE came back, she explained the doctor thought the dark line was a growth palate or something from when I was child.� I then informed her that she had scared the living shit out of me.� She was very apologetic, but sheesh woman!� Think before you speak and don't throw that C word around lightly!� If the doc doesn't see evidence of cancer on MY xray, shut the hell up about it!�



So I have to see a hand specialist.� The pain has been better today and my appointment isn't until May 25th, so I am hoping for a complete recovery before that so I can cancel.



I am feeling a bit better emotionally today.� Praise band helped...being out of the house, with some folks who make me laugh and who I could vent to.� Being without my kids for two hours, being able to just be me as opposed to a mom or a cook or a homemaker, was nice.� I'm not quite 100% yet, but better than I was yesterday.



Tonight, there will be wine.

And An Island Never Cries

�I think that in life, we get used to things being a certain way and certain people being our sounding boards and when that changes, we experience an intense feeling of isolation.



That's the way I have been feeling this week.� Alone, no sounding board, against the world and it is closing in on me.� I'd say I'm depressed but that is not really something I am accustomed to feeling so I'm not sure.� Maybe I am just having a few down days.



The two people�I talk to the most when my heart is heavy have not been�available.� One is working two jobs and I never see her anymore and the other is currently in rehearsals for a show.� Neither of these people are responsible for me, but they were/are still the people I talk to and I have not yet adjusted to things being different.� They won't be different forever, but right now, I have a feeling of drowning with no one there to pull me back.



I am nearing the time of year when things get complicated; school will soon be out, golfing weather is upon us and I start trying to figure out how to juggle all of it and still find my own time for the exercise that helps to keep me sane (though this week, not even that is helping).� Leaving my kids at home alone for four hours a day is scary enough during the summer, especially with my oldest, so any longer than that, is not possible.� Yes, I have the treadmill, which will help once I get a fan down there, but my goals right now are running and increasing my stamina outside.� I can do the inside thing once or twice a week but any more than that and I lose the ground I have gained outside.



Summer is also complicated because I have to spend more time with my kids, which I love them, do not misunderstand, but I am the opposite sex parent and it is a known fact that kids respond more to the same sex parent, which is not me.� I deal fairly well with this most of the time; the fact that they bicker more for me, act up more for me, feel that they can get away with more with me; but sometimes, like this week, it just gets to me.� And on the rare occasion when asking for help results in annoyance at me, my frustration is all the greater.� I accept the fact that I am the primary care giver with them; the mother usually is and that is fine.� I have the part time job so it only makes sense, but there are occasions when I need help.� Those days when there doesn't seem to be a moment when there is not an issue going on, someone mad at someone, hitting someone, tattling on someone, arguing with someone and they come at me one right after the other with barely a breath in between.� It gets to me some days.� Most days, I can take it all in stride, but this week has been tough for some reason.� I�can't question why.� It just is.



And the people I lament to are not around currently.� The ones willing to listen to me and to help me put things into perspective.� I know I am strong and it is only when alone that I feel tears pushing forward this week.� This isn't about anyone else or making anyone feel bad; this post is me feeling bad and trying to get the emotions out in some safe way.



The majority of my days during the week are either spent completely alone or with kids.� Not much going on at work right now and more days than not, it is just me.� Then I go and work out alone.� Then I go home alone for awhile until the kids come home so again, no adult conversation.� It's getting to me right now.�



Still don't even know if my mother is pissed off at me about the Mother's Day thing and I am not in a place to call her today because if any attitude is going on, I am not feeling strong enough to deal with it.� I am not going to put myself in a place to be made to feel bad or guilty about my decision.� See, my sister was here last week and when any other sibling is here, I don't hear from my mother but rarely.� But now, I am sure I am in the wrong for not calling, but I'm just not in that place right now.� I am not feeling strong enough to guard my words.�



I'm sure this will pass.� I don't often get this way.� Lonely.� Feeling isolated.� Alone time is often something I crave but when my demons are knocking at my door being alone is not where I want to be.�

Never too Old to Start

There are times I think "Man, I wish I had started this health thing earlier in my life!"� Mostly those thoughts come into play when I am looking at my bat wing arms which will probably never go away without a knife and I'm not going there.� So for me it is a kind of vanity I guess, that I wished parts of me had not been abused by my weight for most of my life.� No, I shouldn't be vain, but sometimes it is hard when I see what I don't think I can improve on just due to age.�



But no one should allow their age to stop them from beginning to think about getting healthy.� I am hoping to spend my "golden years" traveling and experiencing new things and in order to do that, I need to be mobile and fairly fit.� In younger years, health might be about impressing people in order to find that significant other of our dreams (and for some of us, it could still be that in part, which is fine!) but as we get older, we start to think about the second half of our lives, which is way different than thinking about the first half.� When we are in the first half, we aren't even thinking about the second half, but once we get there and realize there is no reverse on this vehicle we call our body, it is time to start thinking about major maintenance!�



Just like as your car, washing machine, or fridge get older things are more likely to go wrong with them, the same is true of our bodies.� Me, I want to ensure, as well as I possibly can, that I keep this vehicle in�prime working order for as long as I can.� I want to enjoy those golden years where I am hopefully not working and my kids are grown.� We only get to do those things twice in life really.� Once from the time we are born until we hit school age and then again at retirement.�



As children, we exercised without realizing it; we ran from place to place, biked to our friend's house, ran around the playground at school or attending a swim party.� We never gave our bodies or our activity level a second thought.� When we get older, it's all we think about, because so often, something within our bodies hurts!� A pulled muscle, still hip, aching foot or ankle; our bodies at times seem to be protesting our need or want to be active.� Yes, there are times we need to nurture an injury to avoid further injury.� But those smaller aches and pains that come with growing older should not be side-lining us from working our bodies.� They need to last us until we breathe our last on this earth and bed-ridden is not anything I want to be unless my health deteriorates so drastically one day it is physically impossible to do anything else.� But I want to do my best to make sure that never happens.� We only have so much control of our health.� Seems cancer pops up for people who have never smoked as we consume more and more processed foods and chemicals (which I believe is part of the cancer problem but that is just my opinion).� But eating well and exercising at the very least, gives us a little bit of an upper hand against life threatening disease. In all honesty, and I am not bragging, but just stating�a fact because the reality of this still floors me, I have been sick a total of two days in over two years.� When I started exercising and quit smoking, I stopped with the 2-3 times a year colds,�bronchitis, etc.� It amazes me, how something I once hated completely (exercise) and now make myself do and love not hate it as much make myself tolerate is helping me in so many other facets of my life.



So if you think you are too old and set in your ways to start, you're not.� You just need to form new habits.� Better habits.� Habits for life.� And if you still think health has an age limit, check out this amazing lady.

Something Old, Something New

So back in 2006, I developed intense pain in my right thumb...excruciating.� Wound up being some kind of tendon that needed to be released, which required an out patient surgery and a couple of stitches.� Friday night, the problem began to reoccur; same thumb, same pain.� Pisses me off.� I have been wearing my brace that was given to me last night before the surgery and it was helping.� In fact, the thumb felt really good today...until I squeezed a plastic container of jelly while packing the kid's lunches for tomorrow and it felt as if the nerve or something moved or snapped or something but omg, the pain was incredible.� I think all the color drained from my face.� So I wore the brace to kickboxing and got on fairly well.�



My YMCA has been taking pics for their Facebook page and tonight they hit my class:



� Me in the black and white, getting my butt kicked by this guy:



� Kickboxing instructor extraordinaire and all around nice guy.



Anyway, I got a blog comment by a website called "My Fitness Content".� Basically they supply articles that I can use as blog content in an effort to link back to them and direct more traffic here.� They approved me, so I am going to give it a go and you all have to tell me what you think.� Once upon a time, I did a "Healthy Dose" Friday post, so I am going to resume it to give this site a shot, so Friday will be the first time you will see something like this.� Would love feedback on it and who knows, maybe we will all learn something from the content.



Tomorrow is a run day followed by meeting my friend at radiation to watch her adorable little girl.�� My friend will soon be finished with her treatments.� Keep her in your prayers that all goes well.



Okay, that is it for tonight...Idol, Glee and The Biggest Loser are calling my name!� Thank heavens for DVRs!



Oh and my eating so far this week?� Has been amazing.� Now I just need to keep it up!

Why Compare?

� Apparently it doesn't matter how big or small we are, how tall or short, how blonde or brunette, we will always compare ourselves to others.� I do it all the time and when I sit back and think about how insane it is, it totally annoys me.� Even watching "The Biggest Loser" weigh ins, I compare.



"She weighs 198?� How is that possible?� She looks bigger than me!"



In those moments, I forget that we all carry it differently.� No one believed that I weighed 315 pounds when I did (tho looking�at the pictures I have to wonder how anyone could not have believed it, but we are always harder on ourselves), because either they just could not believe someone they knew weighed that much or because I carried it so it didn't look like a 315.� Again, cannot imagine it being the latter.



We also use comparison to keep ourselves in check, or at least I did.� You know the drill; you pass someone on the street who is obviously a larger size and you think "At least I am not that big."� I did that all the time, trying to reassure myself I was okay in at least some perspective.� I think for me, it was a way of fooling myself, a way of denying the bigger (pardon the pun) problem that was my own health.�



Comparing our bodies can also be detrimental to the young.� TV and magazines fill young minds with images of what they are supposed to look like but no one thinks to explain airbrushing to them.� I heard a parent recently tell her ten year old the morning before a gymnastics event that "No, you cannot have a Peppermint Patty.� Tomorrow you can have anything you want but not today."� Is it just me, or is that not a healthy mentality to put on a young girl?� Ironically, my son saw the girl rebel and swipe one of the mini patties when mom wasn't looking.� So denying her, which in my opinion would neither make�nor break a tournament for this child, but it did in some odd way tell her to steal the coveted candy.�



So where am I going?� I'm not always exactly sure when these thoughts fill my head and I try to rationalize them.� But isn't it really all about health and teaching our kids and ourselves how to look at food in a healthy way?� From a young age when I was a child, kids�were rewarded for good behavior with special treats, so they learned if they were good, they deserve candy.� So these kids can grow into adults who continue to reward themselves for tough days or doing well, with food.� Food should fuel our bodies, not reward them.� Should we on occasion have those special treats we love?� Of course.� It is only when the unhealthy treats become our norm that we really get into trouble.�



And it isn't about comparing ourselves to others.� At 209 pounds, I am healthier than I have probably ever been in my life.� Satisfied with the number?� No, but is anyone truly satisfied with their numbers on the scale?� Is there really anyone out there who doesn't look at someone else and think "If only I could weigh what she does."?� Yet these exercises are fruitless.� Yes, a scale can help keep someone at an ideal weight in check, but we can also become a slave to it.�� My weight can fluctuate on a daily basis, but I am learning not to send myself into a tizzy about it.



I'm learning not to compare and not to get hung up on numbers.� I'm trying to teach myself to care about how I feel and not what someone else looks like.� If I lose more, great.� If not, I feel great despite the fact.



Now if you aren't feeling great where your health is concerned, that is when it is time to take some action.� If you are feeling void of energy, sick all the time, whatever, then it is time to evaluate what you can start to change to improve how you feel.� But stop looking at everyone else.� Our bodies are all made differently and chances are that no matter what you do, you are not going to have the body of "that girl."� Find your happiness within yourself, try to fix what doesn't make you happy, but accept where you are in your journey.� Today is all we are certain of, so lets not waste it wishing we are living someone else's life.



I hope this made some semblance of sense!